FML

I am one who believes that withholding the truth is the same as lying.

Well I have been on this site a lot since I decided to stop drinking. I find myself sneaking on here and I use InPrivate browsing. Part of it is because if any familiy/friends use our computer, I don't want them to be worried or ask questions. But my husband does not know I am on here either.

I'm feeling guilty about it. I don't like to hide things, but I also like being able to come on here and talk about things and not worry about him reading it. I say stuff on here that I would not say out loud to anyone. I like being able to express myself and still have privacy. It reminds me of an interactive diary that we all share.

I would rather not tell him at all, but I know that I'm going to because even though I'm not doing anything bad I feel guilty keeping anything from him. I'd also like to be able to come on here when he is in the same room and not have to worry about it. I might even like to share some of the things I read with him.

I am wondering if there is a way I can tell him about it, and tell him I'm not comfortable with him reading my posts without hurting his feelings or making him feel exempt. Or maybe I SHOULD give him the go ahead to look at it? I just want to be able to say whatever I want to say without censorship. I'm afraid I won't be able to do that as openly if I know I will actually have to come face to face with one of the people reading it. But then again he IS my husband.

What to do what to do.

SamanthaIam

I'm using SR privately, too. I think of it as 'SR Anonymous' -- what happens here stays here works best for me.

I have good reasons for this choice, and maybe you do, too. Don't feel guilty about being private with something that helps you be a non-drinker.

onlythetruth

I quit drinking before there were places like this where people could pour out their hearts in writing. So I kept a journal, in which I poured out my heart in writing. I passworded it and kept it extremely private. I view what you're doing as similar, except that you've got the benefit of other eyes looking at it and providing feedback. I don't see it as lying or leading a double life, it's just a way of working through your early recovery.

cuyootoo

This forum is not anonymous. Even with private browsing your husband could easily get a print out of all the sites that have visited through the isp, unless the internet service is in your name only. Even then, chances are he suspects you are doing something privately on the internet but overlooking it because he probably doesn't share everything he does with you on the internet either! Just saying... And in my opinion, you aren't hiding anything just because you don't want to share what you are doing here on SR. But I would encourage you to encourage him to register here and support you! At the very least, your HUSBAND should be able to support your recovery on a very public forum. Just my opinion. Hope it helps.

Betterlife1

Hi FML, I'm the same way. Although my wife knows about and supports my newfound sobriety, I do somewhat "hide" the fact that I go on this site. I love this forum and find it extremely helpful. However, for right now, I'd rather not mention it to her. I feel even married couples need some degree of privacy. I know going on this site will do absolutely nothing to negatively affect our marriage. Actually, it has been having a positive effect by supporting my sobriety and allowing me to be a better husband. I will certainly tell her when I feel comfortable doing so. You may even want to equate it to how one would hide the fact that they are throwing someone a surprise party! No reason to stress or lose sleep over it....Just my opinion! Good luck!

michelle01

I think it's your personal business. I tell stuff to my therapist that I wouldn't tell anyone else. She's met some of my family but of course I would not have them there all the time in our sessions, otherwise I would likely be censoring what I say, whether consciously or not - there's a lot of deep stuff to go through, it's great to have the safety to do that in a confidential and objective setting. Often our closest friends and family are just too close or too emotionally involved in the situation, or is it difficult for them to understand (even though they may try their best) all the issues involved because they are not inside our heads. There are appropriate support resources for partners/family of alcoholics/addicts. I don't see it as hiding anything.

1undone

Why do you feel like it has to be a secret? It sounds like he knows what's going on with you anyway..... Just curious. Don't be ashamed, you are just dealing with alcohol and no one can do it alone.

I tell my hubby that I do online meetings sometimes and I talk to my friends here. He just smiles and says okay in a kind way. He's probably like, whatever it takes babe. LOL

Bikeguy

Your recovery, your choice is my opinion, as long as it's working for you keep doing what your doing.

Mark75

Absolutely this is my private business... I don't share it with my wife... And if she registered here and began posting and reading mine... I would close my account.

However...

Everything I say on here, I could say to her without consequence... I really prefer to keep my own recovery activities separate from our relationship. She knows about SR in general way and doesn't always approve, but that's mostly when I spend too much time....

wellnowwhat

I keep this secret and clear my history, always, to keep SR for me.

I wouldn't expect my husband to detail to me his conversations with his friends or from his recovery group or show me his diary (if he had one).

For me, SR is the same. It's for my private thoughts.

He can access SR if he stumbles across it and hopefully won't figure out who I am by my posts, but he probably could if he read them altogether.

There's lots out there for him to access for help, if he chooses. I don't need to help him access SR.

At first, I felt guilty. That's also my issue to deal with. Whether we like to admit it or not, there is always something we keep to ourselves and in doing so, we are not necessarily lying by omission.

If we purposely do something wrong, and keep it to ourselves, I think that would be lying by omission. If we omit to mention something that normally would be revealed (e.g. a prior marriage, etc.) that would be wrong. I don't believe that thinking "out loud" on SR and keeping it to ourselves falls into that category.

I think the absolute honestly we can use here would be diminished, and the value we get from SR would likewise be diminished, by sharing the Site. I know I would post differently if I knew he was in the audience.

Snarf

I definitely share things here that I wouldn't tell my fiancee outright, but it's also with the knowledge that this is a public forum, and anything I post can be accessed by any individual with a computer or smart phone.

When I go to an AA meeting, I have every confidence that what I share in that room will only be heard by the people in that room. There's no camera that can be viewed from the outside, there's no meeting notes or stenographer documenting everything that is said.

But on SR.com, it's all out there. Anyone who chooses can come here and view my posts, and they don't even have to register for an account to do so. It's wide open for all to see.

I reckon the only way to keep someone from reading your posts here is to tell them that it would be hurtful to you. I would hope that you husband would be supportive of your efforts to better your life, and of SR as an extension of that. Perhaps he would like to become a member and check out the Family and Friends forum, but that's a discussion you guys should have together. I agree that sneaking around kinda leaves you with a dirty feeling, and we shouldn't have to sneak around in our recovery!

Tigger41

I keep the secret and clear my history.

I'm doing this for me and not making a big deal out of my sobriety to my family and friends. I appreciate their support but I need to get myself out of this mess I've gotten myself into. I have to share so much of myself, so i feel like this site is for me where I can express what I'm feeling and don't have to try to explain it to non-alcoholics.

Voice in head stuff, fear of what people think etc.

You need to be comfortable with what you share and not with your SO. Hope these posts help.

You changed your avatar the other day. Threw me a bit but I like it.

FML

I do the private browsing so that when other people get on the computer it doesn't automatically pop up in the browser and show up in the history.
Believe me if he suspected I was doing something secretly on the internet, he'd call me out. We are very open and that is why I feel guilty, even though this is harmless.
In all realty, I just thought about it..if he read this thread he would laugh at me.

Thats one reason of why I don't want to share it, I'm scared he will make fun of me. Not to be mean, just to pick on me. But I don't want this to be a joke. No one takes my drinking problem seriously and that is part of why I haven't been as hell bent on stopping until now. He has jokingly called me an alcoholic, but he's never acted seriously concerned. Except when I get horrible hangovers. He doesn't get them, and has said I shouldn't drink if it makes me feel like that the next day. But he's the only one who at least believes that I have a problem. We've had lots of fun times that involved alcohol, and we won't be able to do that together anymore. But whether he says it or not, he knows it's better for the both of us if I quit. Even if that means giving up the wild and crazy drunken part of me that can be a lot of fun for him at times.
I think what I'll do is mention SR to him and not get into detail. If he has questions, I will answer them. If he asks to see my posts, I will explain why I'd rather he didn't...unless he wants to make his own profile and be a part of it too.

Deserto

FML, can you just tell him that you are using an "online support group" and leave it at that? That's what I've done with my wife, and it works well. The time I spend on the computer is "justified," there's no secrets -- but she doesn't know (and hasn't asked for) the url. If she did ask, I'd have to say I don't want to tell her because I need my recovery to be "mine" and to have the space to share my thoughts with others -- and I think she'd respect that. She doesn't expect to be nor wants to be my prime source of recovery support (that's been a disaster in the past), so she recognizes part of the recovery will be "private" from her.

I think you can be honest about visiting an "online support group" but draw the line about an SO visiting the site and reading your posts. It's inappropriate for them to do so, just as it would be inappropriate for them to go with you to a counseling session or AA meeting (unless you wanted them there).

Anna

I didn't tell my husband for the first few months I came here to SR either. Like you, I felt a bit guilty for hiding it though, so I finally brought it up. I didn't ask him to not read on here, but he has always considered that my recovery is mine and doesn't involve him. He does understand how important SR is to me though.

If you think that your husband will make light of your recovery, then maybe you should think about waiting a bit, until you feel like you strong enough to handle that.

Dee74

We all need to be free to say what we want here - it's in our best interests to trust we have that freedom - if you think you telling your husband might impact upon that, then maybe you need to weigh that up.

Your beliefs are your own, naturally, but I believe each of us deserves a private space.

D

Snarf

FML, I know where you're coming from regarding many of your fun times with your husband involving alcohol. It seemed like alcohol was a presence in everything my fiancee and I did together. Baseball games, football games, going out to dinner, spending hours in a bar...We always drank together. When I stopped drinking, I honestly didn't think I would be a fun person to hang out with, and I very much worried about how my fiancee and I would have fun together without alcohol.

Turns out, I'm a much cooler person to hang out with when I'm not drinking, and we have a lot more fun together than we used to. We can actually enjoy the things we are doing without focusing on getting another drink, or her worrying about me stumbling around, or having to take an expensive cab ride home. And I actually remember all the stuff we do together. I'm not saying all our time spent together is blissful and exciting; a lot of the time we just lay on the couch and watch TV or movies. But it's a lot better without me bumping into things and having to use the bathroom every 20 minutes and passing out on the couch with the TV blaring and my work clothes still on.

timetochange

In my opinion, this is a very private, very unique battle that many of us are going through. I know for a fact that there is not a live person I would share as openly with about this issue as I have on this site. Only because I know that people here can understand, relate, and not judge. I am not married nor am I in a relationship now, but years ago when I tried this I was, and I still kept it private. All marriages are different, but I think we are all individuals, and you are certainly not betraying him, just trying to better yourself, for the both of you. Tell him some day if you want, when you feel ready.

soberred

I do not tell anyone I am on SR. We are entitled to our private thoughts and feelings. Not telling anyone something that is wrong is dishonest. You don't tell your husband about every private conversation that you have with your girlfriends do you? You are entitled to be YOU. You shouldn't feel bad about that.

FML

You know Snarf, thats one of my favorite things to do..cuddle on the couch and watch movies with husband. No alcohol needed. Less money spent. more bonding had.

Although I won't be wild and crazy fun drunk wife for a couple of hours at a time, I will be a better wife full time. The house will be cleaner, the meals will be better. Yes, I am a little old fashioned in some ways and as a housewife I feel those things should be near the top of my priority list. Besided, the couple of hours of fun we have usually ends up with me being hungover an entire day and we can't even hang out because all I want to do is lay in bed.