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Back from Surgery and off my DOC

Old 12-02-2011, 06:26 AM
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Back from Surgery and off my DOC

Been gone for a while having major back surgery.
Had surgery a few weeks back and was forced to go back on DOCs.
For those who do not know my story, I was diagnosed with some big time back issues a fews years back and was ultimately refered to a pain mgm doc who began prescribing meds. Over a three year period, I went from vics to Opana (oxymorphone). I quit those meds off and on for a while because the meds had taken over my life. I finally realized that the physical pain was less than the pain of the addiction.
Despite having major back surgery a few weeks ago, I'm off the meds completely now. Been off for 7 days now and feel like a new person.
Prior to surgery, I had been clean for over a month because I wanted to dictate the terms of my meds instead of the other way around.

I stopped my pain mgm meds last Friday and went through major W/D for a few days. Not a huge deal though because I was setting myself free.

Over the last few days I've had some time to look back at my experiences and wanted to share some observations with everyone.

Many of us started out innocently enough with our DOC. FOr me, it was prescribed for Chronic pain.
As we first begin this process, we all think that the DOC is a "miracle"! No more pain, no more depression, life is good!
As time rolls on though, that prescribed med just doesn't work anymore so we have to moved up to a new and better DOC?
Then life is good again... for a little while though... THen, that prescribed amount just doesn't do the trick anymore...
So, you mind tells you, "let's take just one more today and one less tomorrow". Tomorrow rolls around and your mind says the same thing.
You are no longer in control - the DOC is now you new master! DOC now begins to run your time schedule... DOC tells you what's fun and what's not.
DOC tells you when to wake up and when to go to sleep.
DOC tells you that you no longer need sex because it provides you with the feelings of intimacy!
DOC tells you your not hungry.
DOC tells you what and when to eat.

DOC tells you... NEED MORE OF ME!

DOC tells you, "I'm all you need now, it's just us now. As long as you have me (and PLENTY of me), nothing can go wrong".

But one day you realize that you ran short and DOC is waiting for you.
And then your entire life crashes around you and you panic! It's as if DOC has a gun pointed to your head and it says, "FIND ME NOW".

Does this story sound familiar to you?
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Old 12-02-2011, 06:30 AM
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BTW,
For those of you who are on the fence about quitting... Believe me and so many of us when we say that IT CAN BE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!
You're life is gonna suck really bad for a week, then it's good kinda suck for the next couple of weeks, but then after week three, life doesn't suck that bad. By six weeks life is not too bad!
In 8 weeks, life is pretty darned good!
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Old 12-02-2011, 07:24 AM
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Thanks for your post Ivan... OMG, that is so true and brought tears to my eyes. You totally nailed it.

Praying for a speedy recovery!!!
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Old 12-02-2011, 08:41 AM
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Two weeks ago I was incredibly fortunate to be able to convalesce from surgery at the beach. A dear friend told me to use his BEAUTIFUL beach house to unwind (my wife desperately needed the downtime too). I spent 9 days overlooking the surf 50 yards from my balcony. When I first arrived, all was good because I was still on my DOC. After all, there was NO FRIGGIN WAY I was going to drive 4 hours to the coast without pain meds that soon after surgery.
When I got there, I was in heaven! Beautiful weather, view, comfortable settings, great food, wonderful wife, cable TV, Internet, etc.

Thing is, I knew that despite how comfortable I was, it was time to let go of my old friend and nemesis. Half way through me visit, I stopped taking my pain meds.
I wanted to give everyone a brief account of my experience, mind you I went 100% CT!
I stopped my meds on Friday.

Day 1 - Hot flashes then chills... Sneezing, felt like dirt! Mind racing, etc. Felt like horrible flu! Could not stand the smell of food but forced myself to eat some soup twice. Drank nearly two galons of Gatorade. That night, panic hit me... Was I going to sleep? Took me an hour but I managed 7 hours of interrupted sleep.

Day 2 - Slightly better than day one. Managed to force myself to walk 1 mile on the beach - MAJOR accomplishment. Got back and collapsed into the recliner. Drank another gallon of fluids before bed time. W/D was still a bitch but I fought it tooth and nail.

Day 3 Time to go home. Got up, ate some eggs and forced myself to get up and pack. Loaded my vehicle despite the massive urge to lay down.
W/D was easing up a bit but still there big time!
Drove me and my wife 4 hours home despite the physical and mental pain.
Stopped a couple of times to get out and stretch. Got home and forced myself to slowly unpack. Spent the rest of the day on the recliner. I was miserable but improving. I did take a clonidine before bed and slept an entire 9 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mind you, I did wake up 4-5 times.
W/D

Day 4 Called my Doctor to let him know how I was doing. He returned my call later and could not believe how well I was doing. Made me feel great about myself! During the day, I forced myself to walk another mile and actually get out to run some errands.

Day 5 Appetite has returned with a vengeance! Forced myself off the couch and took my dogs for a walk. W/D was still there but not insane like day one and two! Slept another 8 hours. Back pain woke me up a few times but I slept darn it!

Day 6 Ran errands in the morning, ate like a KING for lunch, and went to my bible study class in the evening. I was wiped out when I got home but dang it, I made it. Slept fairly good.

Day 7 Woke up today tired but slightly refreshed. MINIMAL W/D today - looking forward to the rest of the day!
Today I actually see the light at the end of the tunnel. Free from my DOC?
I still have physical pain from my surgery but it is not crippling like it was before.

I do want to make something crystal clear with you, but most of all myself. I am having to deal with the fact that I may have pain for the rest of my life. I'm not kidding myself when I say I'll never use ever again. Never say never.... My back is still somewhat F'ed up with other stuff.
But for now, I know I'll never use until the day comes a doctor tells me has to administer it if I'm back in the hospital.
I'm being real and honest about this. I do know that I'm far enough away from my DOC to think clearly about this whole thing.
For now though, life is good but most importantly, I know I have the rest of my life in front of me.

Yesterday, I spent alot of time thinking about the past few years of taking my DOC. To me, my DOC was like an old friend that was good at times, but terribly abusive at most others.
When my DOC was around and being good to me, I sailed through my days enjoying life. I was funny, and always in a good mood.

But those days were so limited looking back. I realized that I was a living breathing Jeckle and Hyde. Dr Jeckle was around for a few weeks but Mr Hyde ALWAYS reared his UGLY HEAD! When Hyde came around, I lied about small things, told people I wasn't feeling too good (because I ran short on my meds and was going through W/D). Above that, lied to my wife that I had a cold and couldn't get off the couch for two days... That is until I got my script refilled the next day...

So here I am today telling myself that I have to part ways from that old friend saying goodbye...
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Old 12-02-2011, 08:45 AM
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Ivan, that was PERFECT!

You nailed it so well!

That progression, that sequence of events and emotions, is EXACTLY what happened to me.

Sometimes we tend to think we are the ONLY ones who experience the drug this way. Then, we come to places like SR, and we are amazed to find that isn't true.

THAT is empowering. Especially the part about coming to the realization that the DOC is a BIG FAT LIE. I just wish more people would see it for what it is BEFORE they have to suffer through what you so rightly identified as the "pain of addiction" being worse than any kind of physical pain I've ever been in.

Right on IVAN!

Congratulations on your success through this most recent journey!

FT
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Old 12-02-2011, 08:53 AM
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FT,
Going through this process has been a life changing experience. Being former law enforcement, and thinking back 20 years. I always knew what DOC abuse resulted in with others. I never TRUELY understood how it got from point A to B.
I'm the guy who who started out because I actually needed some relief. Never did I realize how it would turn out to be.

There were times in my life that I actually thought my life was not worth living.
I actually thought that if I died somehow, my pain would end.
It was through my faith, family, and my furry little children did I realize that "Mr Hyde" was the one telling me that.
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Old 12-02-2011, 10:46 AM
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Ivan you explained things so perfectly, I thought you were talking about me! Thank you for your amazingly insightful post. I'm sure I'll be reading it over and over in my early stages of recovery. Day 6 for me!
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Old 12-02-2011, 11:14 AM
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Cassandra,
Congrads to you on day 6! I'm proud of you!
I will guarantee you that in the next couple of days, physical W/D will be a thing of the past!!!!!!!

I have a couple of suggestions for you that will make your life soooooooooo much better in your mental transition time (I'm speaking from experience)

Watch as many funny movies as you possibly can. The more you laugh, the faster your brain will start making it's own feel good chemicals.
Take two hot showers a day!
Drink as much fluids as you can stand. This will force all the latent chemicals out of your system.

FORCE YOURSELF to get exercise - Seriously *FORCE YOURSELF*! Exercise is the greatest thing you can do for yourself as it will help prevent your upcoming depression. Yes - you ARE going to have feelings of depression. It's part of the healing process until your brain starts producing it's own Dopamine, Seratonin, etc. Exercise will speed up your brain in this regard.

Eat HEALTHY, skip any and all junk food. Sure, have a reward on occation but healthy eating will also help speed the process.

Get good sleep!

Again, LAUGH!

Engage yourself mentally. DO NOT pass all your time with the TV! TV is passive to your brain. The more you engage your brain, the better! Have conversations, laugh, think,read, cry... ENGAGE!

If you do these things, I will GUARANTEE you that you will shorten your recovery road by great lengths.

You have to remember that you did some serious damage to your brain. The road back to "normal" is a steep one but remember that your journey DOES have a destination.

I've posted this before and if you have never seen this, PLEASE WATCH THIS!!!!!!! You WILL BE INSPIRED!!!!!

Short Film | The Butterfly Circus




BTW ***SIDE NOTE****- For any of you readers out there I'm curious if anyone has ever noticed a particular smell your body produced when you were using? It's a rather unique sour chemical smell most apparent when you wake up in the morning. You can smell it on your body and your clothes. Then after detox about 5-6 days later, you no longer smell it?
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Old 12-02-2011, 12:21 PM
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Thanks for the advice Ivan. I will try and do all those things. I trust that you know what you're talking about. I feel stronger mentally today more than I did yesterday. Yesterday I was doubting my ability to stick to this. I had the exact feelings that you posted about earlier.......amazing. Thank you again. I don't think you even realize what a help you've been to me.
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Old 12-02-2011, 01:10 PM
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I'm so very glad that you feel this way. Just think, you've accomplished a major milestone so far! You should be very proud of yourself. You've just accomplished what few can. Use this accomplishment to reach your next one. Do not think of next week, next month, next year. For now, Just think about today. Tomorrow, just think of it.
Above all, remember to laugh! It is laughter that is one our most powerful tool right now.
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Old 12-02-2011, 03:01 PM
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I think my husband and kids were starting to worry about me. More often than not, I too would feign a cold until I could get more pills. I was "sick" much too often for a normal "healthy" adult. My husband told me to ask my dr about it when I had my physical. I didn't need to do that. I knew exactly why I was sick all the time. Finishing up with day 6 and hanging in there. Thank you for all your posts. They're really helping me stay strong!
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Old 12-02-2011, 03:07 PM
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Ivankatz, today is day 15 for me! And you asked about the smell? I know exactly what you are talking about. I smelled it all day yesterday! I just think about all those nasty chemicals coming out of my poors!! Ugh!! Thank you for posting about your experiences. It's insane how much our brain gets warped into thinking we can not function unless we have pills!! My entire well being was obsessed with pills. If I had them I was out doing things, having fun, being social. If I was close to the end of my stash I was spending endless time trying to get more. My drug dealer always would meet me after work at 4:30. I can't tell you how time would barely move until that time came, or how stupidly excited I would be on that drive!! Then I would celebrate that first night by taking more than I should, seeing I had 40 or so. 2 days later I was back to the seeker stage. I am so grateful to not be at that point!!!
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Old 12-02-2011, 03:19 PM
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Welcome back Ivan

D
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Old 12-02-2011, 05:19 PM
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Geeez Ivan you and I sound exactly alike! When I would first get my stash I would "reward" myself and take as many as I wanted. Often times I would actually get sick to my stomach because I took too many........some reward right? I would rationalize that tomorrow I'll take less and it'll even out. Problem was, I had no self control. Before I knew it, I was out again and scrambling to find more. If I was the one calling my dealer, he would tell me that he had to make some calls but of course he'd always find some but the price was always higher. I didn't care......name your price. I too am relieved not to have to live in panic mode all the time. I was blowing through the pills faster than I could get them, or afford them. I'm really nervous about Christmas this year. I have to go back home and spend the holidays with my mother. She and I never really gotten along, but that's a long story. For the past 12 years, I always made sure I had plenty of pills to make the trip back home and get through all of the "festivities" if you can call it that. I've actually come to hate Christmas. I've always mAde excuses why this is not a good time to quit. Holidays, birthdays, big job coming up, pretty much anything was a valid excuse. This time, even though Christmas is just around the corner, I've decided that there is NO excuse good enough to keep using. If I don't bring any with me, there's no chance I can get any. I'm leaving the country. No safety net. I know I'm rambling, my thoughts are scrambled. I apologize. Thanks for letting me vent.
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