Im not sure how to start this off but here it goes. I feel I have no one who can relate at least who wants to be clean. I know it’s my own doing I choice to shut the world out and keep bad company but I know I need help and am trying to get into treatment. Which I don’t know how to feel about that. I mean my support system has washed there hands of me but Im glad they did, I’ve always been the girl who doesn’t listen and pushes it as far as she can and has to learn things in my own hard headed stubborn way. I not proud of who I’ve let out and have the privilege to look at each morning. But for the moment I choice to let my addiction rule me. Yeah I have a lot of issues that I am fully aware of and not denying them one bit, I can see them trying to fight threw my wall everyday, I just don’t know how to make the next step. Well yea Im to everything to get into treatment but Im co-dependent, ocd mixed with meth perfectionist at my worst which isn’t a bad thing. I loving feeling and portraying that oh so perfect tweaked out women I’ve learned to love and hate in more ways then I’d like to share. Im in a relationship which has been unbelievable heart pounding heart wrenching good and bad. I admire him very much and whenever this journey takes us I just want him to be at peace with himself. And if we work out awesome and I hope we do but if not it is what is. All I know is I need to get clean. I know bits and parts of his on going addiction for close if not longer than 10 years. Im 21 and he’s 28 and I love that were Virgo’s but at the same time were the same and we clash. I have been in my off and on addiction for 4 or 5 years. I turned him in one night we were fighting, one of our famous never ending drunk fights. You cant fight with an alcoholic. So I chose to get high and ended up turning him in on his warrant’s and I had enough of the back a forth and he was beyond gone, so was I but that was the end result. He has 3 dui’s and has another pending in a different county and looking at least a 6 to a year if he doesn’t complete treatment he‘ll have to serve that time all over so maybe two at the worst. As much as I love him and want us to work Im just losing myself in my twisted tweeker non sense. But on the other hand Im making all the steps for myself and multitask getting his court/treatment figured out. But I snapped tonight when everyone but him will admit me blames everyone but himself for his actions, and I flat out told him he has to help himself, I cant do everything. Ive done everything I can think of and there's literally nothing more I can do. I do understand there’s only so much he can do when his in jail but enough is enough and I snapped. That’s were we differ I have no problem admitting when I was at fault I’ve been “wrong” all my life, it's nothing new and if something isnt right I'll say something and bring it to light. I dont like brushing things under a rub and acting like it's no big deal but that’s my biggest down fall I just turn evil when you just point out **** you shouldn’t and hurt my feelings. Im the sweetest girl,oh so innocent but no one believes it until it happens but under that is a girl who will tear you apart if you hurt her. By no means am I proud Im so ashamed of the things I’ve said and done but whenever I have ever shared anything I try to worn people. I know it doesnt make it right but, I learned from the best aka my father but I don’t need to explain him it’s written out already not to mention he’s also an alcoholic repeat offender of the dui’s and ending a 19 year old boys life so it speaks for it self. So Im at a loss. I know what’s right and what I need to do for myself and I desperately want to change my ways but I cant. I mean I told him up front I need to do this for me that’s the only way it will work, he was butt hurt but everyone knows damn well I’ve tried to stop for of everyone under the sun, it’s always been my famous excuse and I know how bad I’ve gotten and Im tired of hating myself. I want more than this, I deserve a happy productive life. Im just not sure who to trust or believe and understand what’s Im trying to stay but I thinks it will come off as that evil spiteful bitch I’ve always had a special place in my heart for. I hope theirs is understanding and support out there. I don’t know