chronsweet

Are you freakin' kidding me????????? I was kind of shocked when I saw ABF walk in with roses tonight. Especially since this is the FIRST time in almost five years that he has bought me anything. Was I surprised to find out the REAL reason behind them, not really. Apparently the jack-hole broke my computer by getting a nasty virus on it that could not be fixed. Rendered my entire computer useless. This is after he has already made it so the wireless router didn't work on it and left it open so the bird pecked out probably 20 keys on the thing and I could barely use it anyways.

What made it all the more worse is that he decided NOT to tell me until tonight knowing I use my computer for my online classes I pay TONS of money to take. And wouldn't you know it, I have an assignment due at midnight tonight. Had to go buy a new computer just to be able to complete my assignments and keep taking classes. Mind you, he could have at least told me when he broke it last night so I could have at least finished my homework at work on my breaks/lunch and not have had to stay up until midnight tonight to complete my assignments. I am waiting for Office 2010 to finish downloading now so I can complete my homework.

And you know what, he actually perceived that I am an a-hole or a bitc* for NOT appreciating the flowers he bought me. BOO freaking HOO. I told him tonight, it's alcohol or this relationship. I know what his choice will be but my main point was if he doesn't start addressing this he is going to have to leave sooner than I thought I could deal with it. I can't deal with this anymore. Just can't. I give up, alcohol gets to claim another victim, HIM! Bye Bye ABF is what I say. So be it, it is what it is. I even told him that I am sorry that I tried to change him and he has a right to choose what he wants and I should have never expected anything else from him.

When I asked him to name ONE thing I had ever done that was disrespectful, irresponsible, to name one time I was unreliable or unsupportive or had done basically anything that was undesirable from a relationship standpoint, his reply was, "I don't keep tabs." HA f'ing HA. He couldn't even think of ONE freaking thing that I have done. The ONLY harm I have done to anyone in this relationship is to ME and to my son for having him witness me be so stressed and such a wreck at times for no reason other than my own stupidity.

Sorry, had to vent. Thanks to all of you for any comments or support you can give me. I appreciate it and thank God for this site everyday. I feel life pumping through my veins once again. Although there is a lot of hurt and anger and bitterness toward the ABF at least I am not feeling like a shell shocked turd anymore.

XOXOXO to all my SR friends.

Peace & Love,
A.

Pelican

I'm sorry about the late night rush to download and complete assignments. I am a full-time, on-line college student as well.

I have an understanding with anyone who uses my laptop, you break it - you replace it. You replace it within 5 hours as I need that laptop daily.

Who paid for the new computer at your house?

If it was you, I'd throw those roses in the trash so fast it would look like a streak of red across the room! The next streak of red would be his belongings hitting the curb.

He does not respect your personal property or your finances. He does not respect you.

You deserve to be treated with respect and support from your partner.

PurpleWilder

Ahhhh, roses. Grown in s**t and covered in thorns.

CagedBird

My husband did a similar thing.

Spilled wine on the keyboard of my $2000 MacBook. (Which neither of us could afford to replace) I used it for graphic design and photography to make money on the side.

Promised up and down to pay for a new one or to have it fixed. (He was unemployed. So DUH, that didn't happen.)

I paid to have it fixed, and then when it finally gave up a few weeks later, I paid for a new computer so we could have internet. (a cheapo refurb)

Didn't get roses either.


When I'm out on my own and finally get out of debt I plan to buy a badass computer. One I can use for my art and photography and know that it will be okay when I get home from work EVERYDAY!



So, I feel your pain.

GettingBy

(((Chronsweet))),

I rely on my laptop and computers to function properly so I can do my work (and get paid!)... so I know how frustrating it is not have them working properly. I had a similiar incident with my AH - he got a virus on my work laptop that locked it up for a few days. Because I depend on them so much - I have chosen to not share them with anyone anymore. Period. Not even my children (or especially not my children!)

One thing that did jump out at me is that you seem to be placing the "blame" on alcohol. One thing I've come to understand is that my husband is an inconsiderate alcoholic jerk. Take away the alcohol... and I'm left with an inconsiderate jerk. It's not the alcohol that's the problem - it's the "isms" in my husband that need recovery.

Getting in a tit-for-tat with my AH never got me a "win"... it only left us both frustrated and angry with each other.

I hope you are having a better day today - and hope you were able to successfully complete your homework on time!

Hugs,
Shannon

needopinions

chronsweet: today must have beenone of those days! Because we had a rough night too. but he hasn't kissed tail yet though. Just blew me out over money situation I posted about yesterday...and then this morning he wakes up acts like nothing happened. I asked him about getting the account switched back to single account, he didn't even respond or look at me!!!


it's a rollercoaster ride!

Learn2Live

You can't have anything nice with one of them around. Then when you speak up, to them, that is you treating them like $h-t. One of my XBFs used to throw food at the dinner table. I was aghast. Seriously. I laugh now but I just could not BELIEVE how he acted. At one point he would even just drop his trash on the floor, like he lived in a dump or something.

My mother has been living with one for over 50 years. She has NEVER had anything nice in the house. What possessions she still has that he did not ruin with his neglect and abuse, he now throws away piece by piece. She calls me and cries. It's so sad.

If the roses bothered me, I'd give the roses to an elderly woman who is alone. It'd feel good to bring someone cheer. IDK, Just an idea.

Bull$hit. He just says this because to answer would be to prove YOUR point.

chronsweet

Thanks to everyone! YES, I did go buy a new computer last night. YES, I got my assignment turned in on time, with a whopping 15 minutes to spare and had to stay up until almost midnight. Whatever on that, because I am responsible and do what I have to do.

He offered to give me $100.00 which I will take. I got a rather cheap computer, but it does what I need it to, and he WILL NOT be using this one at all. He has ruined every computer with viruses I have ever had (porn??? not sure how). I have repeatedly asked him to NOT use my computer and even though he has his own, he repeatedly uses mine. It is ridiculous.

I did throw the roses in the trash and he took them out. Of course, I was an inconsiderate bitc* for doing so. I just said, fine, if you want your roses have them. They are laying in the kitchen sink and I won't remove them from there unless I have to do dishes.

He has always used all my things in an inconsiderate way. Pelican, you are so right, he does not respect my personal property or ME in any way, shape or form. His concerns are about HIM.

GettingBy, I realize that this isn't just an alcohol related incident. He really is just an inconsiderate jerk. The part that made me the most angry is he KNEW the night before what he had done and instead of telling me and working on a resolution, he waited until I found out myself. I could have at least finished the assignment at work quickly, turned it in and had some time to decide what to do.

Mind you, the guy just got paid more than he ever has in his life because he worked prevailing wage for a full week ($40/hr). He actually HAS the money to have replaced the whole thing, but I can't FORCE him to give me all the money. I don't steal and so I can't just take his card either. I just don't believe in that, dumb, maybe? Anyhow, I did tell him last night I am just sick of him, his drinking, his selfishness and that I want him out next month. I can get a roomie and me and my son can share a room for awhile. He is only 2 and he sleeps with me anyways!

Thanks again for everyone's words! They help, ooooo, so much!

xoxo

Peace and Love
A

needopinions

that's right....can't have nothing nice with them around....their stuff is GODS gift,a nd anything we seem to like is trash or stupid!!! been there hearing that too!!!!

it's so sad!

Shining~Again

wow
just wow
It's really easy to put a password on your computer. Since you said you've repeatedly asked him not to use your computer when he has one (so this isn't the 1st time) go ahead and take the 2 minutes of time to put a password on the new one.

Take the money he offered. Were it me, I'd of asked him for the entire amount to buy the new computer. You said he makes more $$ than ever before and if he can afford roses (he should give them to someone at work/whoever he sees on the way to work) he can afford to compensate you for the computer.

Honestly, he never had a chance in this. Roses might as well of been a brand new top-of-the line computer. It doesn't change the fact he was on yours, which you said not to do.

chronsweet

Yeah, I would have used his to finish at least the school work, but his doesn't work right either. He is too lazy to go take it to have it looked at since he bought an extended warranty, but you know, he usually has 'drinkin'' to do.

I do have a password on the new one. I had one on the old one too, but he would pester me about it, and so to my own fault, the laptop eventually just got ruined. I asked him why he couldn't pay the $400.00 to replace this and his response was, "What you don't want the $100.00" Un-freaking-believable. I just give up on this relationship. I had already given up, but this whole incident just cements the fact that he cares more about HIM than he will even consider thinking about me. It is, what it is. I just have to get myself out and the sooner the better. I will be fine on my own, better I am sure.

I am over being shocked and in awe about how someone can apparently be so narcissistic and concerned with nothing but himself. He made the comment that he is going to a concert this Saturday. Geez, how much money does THAT cost??? If it were me, I'd forego the effing concert, and give my loved one as much money as I could to replace the computer they need for SCHOOL! But, alas, he is not me. He will never be who I expect a loved one to be. He is a lazy, self-centered alcoholic. I hope he goes to that concert and gets arrested for drunk driving and loses his job. THEN, I won't work with him anymore since it was I who got him his job after being out of work for 3.5 years. I can't believe my own stupidity at times, especially in helping someone over and over and over, ad infinitum.

The one thing I am glad for is SR. I finally have my eyes WIDE-OPEN and I know who this a-hole is. I am sad he is the father of my child!

Love everyone's comments. I feel better already and more concrete in my future convictions.

Peace & Love
A.

Taking5

This is a very good point. There is a saying in the rooms of AA: Q: What do you get when you sober up a horse thief? A: A sober horse thief.

The point being, that putting the "plug in the jug" is not enough. AA has 12 steps that are designed to get you out of your bad way of thinking and bad habits, evaluate everything you have ever done wrong, make amends wherever possible, and finally to constantly evaluate your present behavior to make sure the old ways don't pop up again.

Is your husband in AA? Does he understand this? Does he want to change?

chronsweet

Nope, he isn't in AA, because he isn't an alcoholic and he can 'stop anytime'. He does not consider anything he does as being something other than what he does. LOL. And clarification: He isn't my husband, thank goodness.

I have mentioned AA, even went to one meeting with him to show him support. At this point, I need to support myself and get to an Al-Anon meeting. I wash my hands of him and just really can't stand the kind of person he is. I can't change him and just want out. It is just a timing issue. I have told him this as well. I don't put up the facade I am in love with him anymore. Was I once, yep. BUT he has never showed me anything but chaos, confusion, pain, deceit, and selfishness. I am not that kind of a human being and I can't really wrap my head around it, nor do I have any more time to waste. I am 36, not exactly old, not exactly young, but a good age to at least start in a better direction for me and my 2 year old.

Thanks again for your words. I am really just upset, but in a good way, if that's possible.

nodaybut2day

so, um, I don't know the entire story of your life, but when are you going to be able to kick him out (or move)?

chronsweet

lol, he is on the lease. I also can't really afford my own rent AND $600.00/month child care. I am just going to have to take the plunge and be super broke/rely on him to help me with money for the care of our son.

I DID love him once and this is painful because when my son was born I thought he could be a good dad if only, if only, if only. You get it, right?

It has taken me a while to get my head straight and I am finally coming to terms with the situation, which are all good things. I have asked him to leave, but he doesn't take me seriously. I try to talk, he ignores, deflects, etc.

nodaybut2day

Ok, so, I'm assuming that you want to leave when I write this.

I was in the same situation as you. Two people on the lease. We were legally married. We shared a child. Daycare cost me 750$ a month, please organic food contribution.

At the time, I called the Tenants' Right association and found out that I had a right to break my lease if I had someone take over who agreed to sign off to that effect. The landlord could not refuse the new tenant unless there was a serious reason (criminal record, lack of employment, etc). Also, once I had the landlord served with the papers, if she didn't answer within 3 weeks, she was considered to have accepted. At the time, XAH agreed to take over the lease and utilities, and willingly signed off on the document. I made a good copy certified by a commissioner of oaths and kept it in my records, in case XAH defaulted on his obligation to pay...in that case, I could be held liable for up to 3 years after the end of the lease if I didn't have proof that he AGREED to pay the lease.

FYI, in the end, XAH *did* default on the lease. He pulled a midnight move about 4 months after I left, but I was fully protected because of the document I had.

In your situation, I would find out what organism acts in defense of tenant rights in your area and call them. There will be laws in place regarding breaking a lease. You will have to find someone to take over who will agree to take on the rest of your lease since your ABF is basically useless. Once you move, he won't have a choice to start dealing with his life, instead of living off you.

I'd recommend start looking for a small apartment for you and the little one. Perhaps you can find a place where you can share with another single mama.

There ARE ways out of this. You don't have to live this way.

Thumper

Yes! Excellent post. I shared a mortgage and four daycare aged kids.

You can also check into subsidized apartments. Some are quite nice but income limits are low so I had to find something else.

I have never been on public assistance in my life but took advantage when needed to get a better life started. WIC, state health insurance, and child care assistance made it possible. In my state you can access all those at social services. There is also SNAP for those that qualify. Also child support which I pursue but don't depend on. I'm not receiving any of those any more but if I wouldn't have used them when needed i would still be trapped

chronsweet

I have tried getting childcare assistance. Unfortunately, I make too much money. I am not by any stretch of the imagination well off, I get by paycheck to paycheck. I have figured out the numbers and as long as I am very tight with EVERYTHING, I could make it. I gave myself until my birthday, May 15th, to save and prepare. Just not sure I can make it that long.

chronsweet

You guys are all great. Thanks for the replies and letting me vent. I can take a lot but sometimes I just break, you know. I have learned so much through this forum and I appreciate the wisdom. It took me too long to realize that people are just who they are. I can't wish them into being someone they aren't. SR has helped me to face the things I already knew were true, but was for some reason, I couldn't face it. I figured ABF made choices because he needed help and support, blah blah blah. I get it now, he is just who he is, and that is positive. I have never been in a relationship like this before and so I was thrown off-guard for quite some time. My mind IS heading back to a place where ME reigns supreme, where my needs matter!

Thanks again!

TakingCharge999

If he has recognized the son then he HAS to give money for his care right? it is not up to him, it is the right of the kid.