new to this...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: West Indes
Posts: 25
new to this...
Hi all,
I'm a 22 year old vet student who has been struggling with a cocaine addiction for about a year now. I had never even seen cocaine in my undergraduate days, but down here (where my school is) it is everywhere and it is WAY too easy for me to get. All of my friends use and the school is a pretty small community, so its hard to avoid them OR it all-together. I didn't want to admit to myself that I was addicted until I started buying grams, staying home from school, doing them all day alone and avoiding my friends and boyfriend. I'm in a long distance relationship and I wouldn't call him for 5 days at a time and would compulsively lie about what I had been doing. Finally on 11/22 I told him everything. He was angry but stayed with me and has been very committed to helping me get better. I was doing a lot better - I used to smoke pot every day and drink pretty much every other day (way overdoing these things and OTC sleeping meds when I was high) and for 7 days I didn't do anything, and although I had constant cravings, I didn't give in - it probably helped that I was videoing with him pretty much 24/7 since he had Thanksgiving break off. My friends haven't talked to me in days and that has NOT helped my recovery. My best friend here and also my housemate literally hasn't said a word to me since last tuesday. I feel very alone and depressed sometimes and I know that can contribute to wanting to use just to feel numb.
Last night, I failed. I broke down and called my dealer for two grams and ended up doing both. I felt horribly guilty even while doing them, but for some reason couldn't stop. There was no one event to trigger my wanting to use - I didn't face any confrontation or anything, but in a sick way I felt that a week of sobriety was worth "rewarding" myself. I even talked to an ex-addict friend who told me to throw them in the toilet, which I did... then picked them back out. I'm disgusted and ashamed of myself for a lot of things like that. I told my boyfriend when I woke up today and he left me, although is still "there to talk to." He also told my mom who messaged me a little earlier tonight, but I told her I didn't want to talk until I saw someone professional (we aren't very close especially when it comes to emotional issues). I plan to go see the school counselor tomorrow and see what I can do to take a medical leave of absence to go back home and get cleaned up. I guess I don't really know what to say here, I just see now that obviously his help wasn't enough and am trying to find more ways to help myself.
I'm a 22 year old vet student who has been struggling with a cocaine addiction for about a year now. I had never even seen cocaine in my undergraduate days, but down here (where my school is) it is everywhere and it is WAY too easy for me to get. All of my friends use and the school is a pretty small community, so its hard to avoid them OR it all-together. I didn't want to admit to myself that I was addicted until I started buying grams, staying home from school, doing them all day alone and avoiding my friends and boyfriend. I'm in a long distance relationship and I wouldn't call him for 5 days at a time and would compulsively lie about what I had been doing. Finally on 11/22 I told him everything. He was angry but stayed with me and has been very committed to helping me get better. I was doing a lot better - I used to smoke pot every day and drink pretty much every other day (way overdoing these things and OTC sleeping meds when I was high) and for 7 days I didn't do anything, and although I had constant cravings, I didn't give in - it probably helped that I was videoing with him pretty much 24/7 since he had Thanksgiving break off. My friends haven't talked to me in days and that has NOT helped my recovery. My best friend here and also my housemate literally hasn't said a word to me since last tuesday. I feel very alone and depressed sometimes and I know that can contribute to wanting to use just to feel numb.
Last night, I failed. I broke down and called my dealer for two grams and ended up doing both. I felt horribly guilty even while doing them, but for some reason couldn't stop. There was no one event to trigger my wanting to use - I didn't face any confrontation or anything, but in a sick way I felt that a week of sobriety was worth "rewarding" myself. I even talked to an ex-addict friend who told me to throw them in the toilet, which I did... then picked them back out. I'm disgusted and ashamed of myself for a lot of things like that. I told my boyfriend when I woke up today and he left me, although is still "there to talk to." He also told my mom who messaged me a little earlier tonight, but I told her I didn't want to talk until I saw someone professional (we aren't very close especially when it comes to emotional issues). I plan to go see the school counselor tomorrow and see what I can do to take a medical leave of absence to go back home and get cleaned up. I guess I don't really know what to say here, I just see now that obviously his help wasn't enough and am trying to find more ways to help myself.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad you found us.
It's good that you have decided to live a sober life. I think you have learned a valuable lesson during the past week - stopping using/drinking is just the beginning. It takes a lot of changes and hard work to recover.
It sounds like you have a good plan in place, and please know that we do understand how hard this is, and we're here to offer support.
I'm glad you found us.
It's good that you have decided to live a sober life. I think you have learned a valuable lesson during the past week - stopping using/drinking is just the beginning. It takes a lot of changes and hard work to recover.
It sounds like you have a good plan in place, and please know that we do understand how hard this is, and we're here to offer support.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome to the family.
You'll find a lot of support and understanding here. Glad you found us and joined us.
Take a look at our substance abuse forum for more help from people who have been there.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/substance-abuse/
when you say 'vet student' do you mean 'veterinary medicine'? Just curious...
You'll find a lot of support and understanding here. Glad you found us and joined us.Take a look at our substance abuse forum for more help from people who have been there.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/substance-abuse/
when you say 'vet student' do you mean 'veterinary medicine'? Just curious...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
Welcome to SR. Good to see your looking for help. Never use cocaine but i know how addiction feel. Have you thought about a rehab? Clean your up and know how to beat it. If you can't do that then see your doctor, he knows what to do. Just do a google search for cocaine addiction treatment.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, newmoon (and wishin!)
Glad you're going to talk to someone tomorrow, newmoon. It's not easy to do that, but the sooner we get the help we need, the sooner we can find health and freedom. I needed pretty constant reminders/support the first couple weeks and this place is great for that.
The good news is that it gets better (and easier) as you go along.
Glad you're going to talk to someone tomorrow, newmoon. It's not easy to do that, but the sooner we get the help we need, the sooner we can find health and freedom. I needed pretty constant reminders/support the first couple weeks and this place is great for that.
The good news is that it gets better (and easier) as you go along.
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