A note from my FIL

Old 12-01-2011, 10:04 AM
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A note from my FIL

"When I was 33 we were living in cheap apartments in Houston and raisng DS1. I worked at the UH library for minimum wage and your mom worked for an engineering firm. Our idea of a special night out was a hamburger and baked potato at Wendy's maybe twice a year. We hated Houston and recognized that we were in a dead-end situation. Mimi and Grandma helped us out with food. Within a year we bolted from Houston, went to Austin where we struggled on a scholarship and Mom's job and then after I got my MLS we moved to Kentucky, where we acquired DD1 and where you were born (in other words, we had two kids [one teenager and one baby] on top of the one we already had in all in one year). Lexington was great socially, but we were failing economically and had to make some very tough economic decisions in order to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. They included selling a car we loved and downgrading to something we could afford. It was very rough, but we did what we had to do and didn't rely on family for gifts. Mom's mother lent us some money to get our house there, but we paid her back religiously. After that experience, we never asked family for help again. Finally, indesperation, we sold everything we could and moved back to Austin without any jobs or prospects waiting for us. It took us a year and a half to regain out footing after that.

I've thought about this and your Mom and I have discussed your current situation for a long time. You and CagedBird are adults and responsible for yourselves. After a certain point in life you are on your own and depending on parents is no longer an option. There are four things y'all could do to improve your situation. I'm not telling anyone what to do, but just throwing some ideas out there that may be helpful. The results would not appear immediately, but they would start showing up in a few months. Here they are:

1. Sell the gas hog vehicles and replace them with something more afforable to drive (I would spring for a windsield replacment on the truck to help sell it. You could probably sell it for 13-14K and find a Matrix or Vibe for <10K, pocketing 2-3K to eliminate some debt.) I don't know what CagedBird's Ford wold fetch, but you could research that on Craigs List. Between the two vehicles you could probably replace them with a couple of Matrixes or Corollas. Gas prices are cheap just now and this is the time to unload your gas hogs.
2. Move to a location more convenient for your work and DS visitation.
3. Get your Journeyman license, even if you have to test several times. Just start doing it and keep after it until you get it. Detach your ego. (It's not a Ph.D. after all) It's the only thing you're going to be able to use to improve your income and to have mobility in the electrical field. If Boss won't pay J'man's wages some one else will (I vote for commercial).
4. Cut your booze consumption in half. Nobody expects abstinence, but a man can exercise control. I have calculated your St. G. wine (~$7/bottle) for 7 days @ $49. We've been giving you $50 a week for gas to pick up James, but I really think it's gone for wine. That has been a constant source or guilt and concern for me. I'm good with it if it's going for DS, but I know how manipulative addicition make otherwise good people be, and I've been feeling really had here lately. If you were to cut your consumption in half it would result in $100/month additional money for family needs and it would also probably make things better with your wife and kids.

None of this stuff would happen overnight, but it would allow you and CagedBird to start making tangible steps toward more control over your economic lives and maybe toward recovering some happiness, which we all could use.

Anyway, for what it's worth....

The Old One "
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Old 12-01-2011, 10:10 AM
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Obviously, they are (slowly) reaching their bottom with my AH.

They still don't understand what they are dealing with though. (As evidenced by the paragraph on drinking.)

I feel like shaking them! It's like telling a crack addict to cut down so he can pay his bills. How Ridiculous!


You would think after so many years of addiction with him that they would react differently. (He kicked a Meth addiction several years ago)

I don't know what to do say in response.

The enabling is still going on, and I expect it will continue for a long time after I'm gone.
They will still be giving him money, and groceries, etc. years from now I suspect. That is, if he's not living with them.


Our lease is up in March and I am looking for an apartment for my DS and I.
It is the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't wait.
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Old 12-01-2011, 10:14 AM
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Apartment sounds like a great idea!
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Old 12-01-2011, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
was the letter to YOU or to your AH? i personally thought it was very well put relying upon his own ES&H and simply sharing suggestions. I don't see where a reply from you is required.

I believe that it's intended for both of us, or he may have just been keeping me in the loop. He emailed it to both of us at our separate accounts.

Actually, this is all stuff that has been said/suggested before. Part of the cycle I guess.

I don't think I'll reply unless they ask me about it.
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Old 12-01-2011, 11:16 AM
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Yeah, no need to reply.

It's a bit annoying how it's addressed to both of you, but then outlines how much he's spending on drinking. Also sort of sad that he feels like pointing out the amount spent on booze will suddenly make you husband smack his head and say, "What was I thinking?!"

Hope you're okay.
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Old 12-01-2011, 11:32 AM
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Originally Posted by akrasia View Post
Yeah, no need to reply.

It's a bit annoying how it's addressed to both of you, but then outlines how much he's spending on drinking. Also sort of sad that he feels like pointing out the amount spent on booze will suddenly make you husband smack his head and say, "What was I thinking?!"

Hope you're okay.

I'm also fighting the urge to correct him... it's actually double that. He's drinking 2+ bottles a night.



I'm okay. I'm just trying to focus on what's real. My head is what I need to follow. I love my husband, and I am so sad for what could have been. But that's not going to change what is. I want to get my life together before it's too late. For me and my son.
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