platinum1221

Ok, so my RAH got a speeding ticket a couple months ago. I received the court date notice in the mail & gave it to him a few weeks ago. Its due on friday. I'm torn on this, is it my place to "gently remind" him of this, or is that "rescuing"?
Thanks

Chino

I would remind my husband because we share our finances. If either of us defaults on a debt, the other ends up paying the added fees and fines, too.

MsPINKAcres

hmm
this is a tough one . . .
Because for me - i can see a future resentment coming and this is JUST FOR ME okay?? - because if I remind him then I have to make sure I don't get the expectation that he will take care of it.

It's probably not your "place" but then there is also nothing wrong with helping someone to remember events, without them becoming dependent on you for everything. . .

I guess like everything - it's about Balance and taking care of ourselves - can I do this without expecting, resenting or controlling. . .

Maybe he's doing so well in his recovery he has already taken care of it!
Really hope this is the case!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Justlizzyd

I struggle a little with that. I am trying to practice not doing for my AH that which he can do for himself. That being said, we have always helped each other out in stuff around the house. I have also helped him with some stuff with his business mainly because I enjoy it but also helping out. He really does not need my help but we do it together. So sometimes the lines get blurry. I don't want to enable. It's hard to explain.

Windblown

Jeez if that's your enabling you are doing fantastic! I'd remind him. I keep the calender for me and hubby...he does things for me that help me. To me, enabling has a certain sick feeling in my stomach and my breathing gets shallow...and I know and I feel terribly hurried to fix, react, solve, do...and it's like I justify what I'm doing and when this happens I know I'm caught in the web.

platinum1221

Well, I left it on the counter. He was at our house (he lives in a sober house at the moment)from about 2 pm today, and just saw it somewhere between 5 & 7pm. (I was gone at an al anon meeting So on my way home I called to ask if he'd like anything while I was still out, he said no, but then started being sarcastic about "just seeing" the notice for the first time. (I thought he took it weeks ago when I showed him, but he didn't take it & I happened to come across it this morning while cleaning up some papers)

He set me up (at least that's what it seemed like) to say "You have seen it" OMG, he was mad @ that, he was upset because he felt I was calling him a "dumba**". That was not my intention at all, but he kept telling me how everyone he tells, even his sponsor thinks I'm a b**** when I say something along those lines. I just told him, it was not my responsibility to deal with it, he has known @ it for a while. I didn't contribute! I told him I dont deserve to be treated bad. I kept calm. I love that!!!!!

I did think it over, & realized it may have come across like i was kicking him while he's down, bc things aren't looking so hot w/his job & in my opinion, it seems like the "pink cloud" is gone & reality is hitting, & he's probably feeling more angry with himself for putting it off, but someone else is always easier to blame lol So I apologized for my part & said I will remind myself if we're faced with a situation like this in the future. Even though I felt I was simply stating that he had seen it, I can also see how he took it.

Thanks for the replies!

eyeswideshut1

Did you feel like his reaction to seeing the ticket was reasonable? You did him a favor by putting it out--it wasn't your responsibility to keep track of it, it was his. I don't think that you strayed too far into codie behavior by putting it out, but to my ears, his reaction of blaming you and being hostile to you was out of line.

butterfligh

You are not the one who got the ticket! It seems like he's just using you for his punching bag. He is lashing out at you instead of taking responsibility for himself. Good for you for remaining calm. I agree with anvilhead - the appropriate response from him would have been "Thanks, I need to take care of that."

YearForMe

He was the one who got the ticket.....right?

So....he knew "at some future point in time" he would need to go to court....right?

I have a new motto that I started today......

I'm not in the business of raising adults.

platinum1221

I agree, his response wasn't ok. That's why I chose to react different than I would have, and not react, does that make sense?
But today, he's taking care of that ticket

eyeswideshut1

Platinum, I think it's great that you were able to remain calm when he assaulted you verbally after finding the ticket! It's great that you were able to maintain your serenity through that. I was more concerned that you rethought things later and decided to apologize to him. What I took away from the story was that he owed you an apology. Maybe I was just thinking of how I have felt when faced with similar situations. My ABF has called me a b*&( for unjustified reasons in the past, and it really hurt!