jessiec

Now that I realize I'm co-dependent, I've been thinking a lot about when/how it started. Prior to knowing my ABF, I never had dealt with alcoholism/addiction - nobody in my immediate family dealt with that.

Over Thanksgiving while I was around my parents, I started seeing some parallels however. My father, while a good provider and a loving person in his own way, has a terrible temper. He gets ridiculously upset about the smallest things (traffic, the dishes not being lined up in the dishwasher *his* way). He has a huge chip on his shoulder (why, I'm not sure - he's had blessed life), he's loud, he's negative, he critiques everyone, he takes everything personally, expects everyone to live up to his exceedingly high expectations (and no one ever could). And while my mother recognizes these issues with him, she always has defended him for being a good provider and a good man (just as I just did!).

I now see how some of my putting my needs last stems from walking on eggshells around him.

LostinLV777

interesting topic. i was also not raised in an alcoholic environment however, learned many codependent behaviors from my codependent mother. Why , though does she appear codependent? Well, first of all, her father was an alcoholic and so was her brother. Both of them died early and I really never knew them.

Next, she married a man who was a perfectionist. He was present, but at the same time, not present for most of our family life. i remember him being very critical of her. he never outright insulted her but you could read his dissatisfaction was always all over him. she could never do anything right. and she just stayed.... until he started cheating on her and after years and years she finally left him. codependency develops and just keeps getting passed down generation to generation.

LifeRecovery

I don't mean this statement to sound like my ex is replaceable. Also this is just for me, myself and I.

The codependency was there a long time before I met my exAH or I even realized that he was an A. I read Melody about 12 years ago for the first time and really resonated with it.

No A is my immediate family but I think both parents had A in their lives without any recovery.

I suspect if I had not met my ex I would have found an A in my life to attach to until I needed to learn what I needed to learn.

I do feel grateful though that I am learning from these lessons....cause it sure beats the alternatives of doing this again.

Bobbiejo7500

Coming from an alcoholic and addictive background started me on my path to codependency. I learned from an early age to accept things the way they are because I had no power to change them. The only power I had was to behave myself and hope that helped to keep peace in the house. I had no idea I was doing anything wrong until recently. I have spent my entire life doing anything I can to please people around me to make them stay with me. I have always been afraid to say "that makes me uncomfortable" or to do anything that may cause "trouble" with in our home. As long as I was giving in things were happy. Then I realized I'm not happy. I have forgotten about myself. I'm only now scratching the surface of how deep my codependency goes

MsPINKAcres

I remember the event that started mine long trip down the road of co-dependency. . .

I was 7 or 8 yrs old; my parents slip-up for the upteenth time and my mom asked me who did I want to live with my Mom or my Dad ~ I remember thinking in my mind "I need to live with my Dad, someone has to make sure he doesn't drink too much"

I'm sure it was there before then - but that's when I first remember it! I've spent the last 7 yrs learning to balance out my life and to learn to be healthier -

ODAT it's always getting better!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

MsGrace

Great question!

My dad (alcoholic) just drove out of the driveway one day, never looking back abandoning my mom, my brother and I. I never really knew him. We struggled for years, and finally my mom married a man for some stability and financial security. Then the chaos really began....fighting in the home every day, and although it wasn't addiction...it was two unhealthy people who wanted things the other could not provide causing a perpetually unsafe environment for us. Interestingly enough...my AH drove out one day without ever looking back as well. Recently. 55 years later! Connection you think?

The core of my codie: I've never felt safe a day in my life. I either isolate, or cling, hoping somewhere, somehow to find safety. My entire life has felt unsafe. Through the grace of Al Anon and a good therapist, I'm beginning to seriously unravel this deeply held impression, and have hope I'll see a day when I'm better.

LucyA

I don't know where mine came from, I'm still trying to figure it out.
My mum is a raging codependant people pleaser, she has to do what's 'seen to be right' and keep the family in order.
I've only recently discovered that her dad, my grandad was probably alcoholic, he lived till I was 30+ and I never saw him drink at all and never heard any stories of him drinking until after my brother died. His wife, my gran, was also a people pleasing mousey type of woman.
Until my brother I never knew of any alcoholism in my family, but looking back on the maternal side all the women seem to be codependant, I always sort of rebelled against this without actually knowing what I was doing.

MyGirlGracie

What a great topic for discussion! I have been codependent my entire life and have struggled through the cobwebs at every milestone along life's path. I didn't have active alcoholism in my household as a child, but my father was extremely controlling and manipulative... he sexually abused my sister and I for years and we kept the secret from Mom as he demanded. I got out of that situation at 12 and entered the foster care system... lots of therapy later I have dealt with the abuse the best I could. The lasting toll has been in the relationship department. I spent so many years making sure that I never entered into/or stayed in a physically abusive relationship that I didn't recognize other ways that a relationship can decline. I didn't know how to listen to my gut about alcoholism. I was hypervigilant about physical boundaries and totally missed the boat on the emotional ones...

I never wanted to be the kind of woman who "blames" her current relationship issues on her past child abuse, and I don't... I blame myself for not knowing how to navigate the healing process even after all of these years. Apparently, I am still a work in progress and God isn't finished with me yet...

StarCat

While there was no alcoholism or addiction in my family growing up that I can see (aside from an aunt who married an alcoholic and had my two cousins - all I remember of that ex-uncle is his name and the fact that I was hiding under a coffee table for a reason I no longer remember the only time I met him).

That said, I was always walking on eggshells at home because it was only a matter of time before my mother blew up. We were expected to read her mind and know what she expected of us, and if she didn't get what she wanted there was a hours-long screaming match with my father agreeing with my mother in his passive manner. We would defend my father a lot, too, when we knew that he was right and my mother was wrong, and he would tell us that no, our mother was right, and that he was wrong.

So the person who was right was the loudest and scariest, and that is what I learned growing up, coupled with the reinforcement that I couldn't succeed at anything on my own because I was book smart but had no common sense (and I wasn't even as book smart as I was supposed to be, either). I graduated eighth in my class at High School and was convinced I'd never amount to anything on my own.

Then, of course, there was the expectation to drop everything we were interested in because my mother wanted something done, and any complaints were met with "Offer it up" - while she played the eternal victim to whatever audience she could find. So my needs were secondary to hers.

It's no wonder I ended up where I ended up, really.

But now that I know these things, I can work to become the stronger person I know I am inside, and undo the emotional brainwashing. I am a perfectly imperfect person, and I can accomplish whatever I want to accomplish as long as I believe in myself. I'm working on it.

m1k3

My father was an alcoholic and my mother a codie whose father was an alcoholic. No doubts where my codie background came from.

Your friend,

cslaurie

I love this question!

My first time saying this out loud-my Mother kept her & myself extremely isolated when i was growing up-my Dad left us when i was about 5, & she had some of mental issues (unbeknownst to me until i got much older & could understand more, after seeking Therapy myself). "I was all she lived for" & i felt a lot of responsibility from that. I was mentally trapped by her until i managed to have the courage to break free from her at 27 (i am 44 now). I still cannot have a relationship with her, even tho she is now 83-i had tried through the years, but it always fell back into the same old patterns, & i could feel all my hard work in Therapy slip away.

There was no alcohol around me growing up, BUT, my husband, who was the one that helped me 'find myself' & break from her is an alcoholic...

Laurie

cdbf7891

This is actually the one single thing about my codependency that I've had figured out for a long time. My dad was an ACOA and MAJOR narcissist. Mom is a MAJOR codependent. They were who I learned all my life lessons and habits from. I try my best to never use that as an excuse though. Since I'm aware of it now, there's no one to blame but myself.

skippernlilg

My mom is Queen Codie, and I am Princess Codie. I live in the Land of ACOA Lala and am recovering every single day!

lillamy

My parents were both the caretakers of their families. They were the sibling that cared for their parents; they were raised to put themselves last, and they did that first with their parents and then with me and my sister (who has a chronic disease). So I was taught at an early age that a) when you have God-given good health and resources, it's your duty to help those who are worse off and b) other people need you to do things that may go against what you need, and because you're strong and capable, it's OK for you to put your own needs last.

Great if you're a Carmelite nun, not so great if you're a 4-year-old.

I'm not placing any blame on my parents, though -- they worked their tails off their entire life and they did the best they could with what they had and knew.

I never felt neglected -- I always knew I was the 8th wonder of the world to them. But I was required to help when other people needed help -- whether it was the kid in a wheelchair that I brought lunch to at church every Sunday or helping clean out grandma's attic when I really wanted to go to the beach with my friends in high school.

In itself -- that wasn't bad. But I didn't learn boundaries. I didn't learn that there are people who will take advantage of someone who is always willing to help.

And then my serious relationships were with a drug addict, a man suffering from chronic depression, and two alcoholics. Go figure.

MeredithD1

back in the mid 80's, a psychologist came to my workplace to talk about this concept none of us had heard of called codependency. I liked what she said so much that I ended up seeing her in therapy for a while. She was one of the best therapists I had.

fedup3

I was bullied from kindergarten to 6th grade by boys who were so mean they actually threw stones at me when I walked home from school. My dad was an alcoholic but functioning he managed to run his business well but my mom was anything but codependent! This woman who knew that I was being bullied for years did not one single thing to stop it, so I grew up with a meek alcoholic dad and an aggressive mother who was totally self centered. I thought to be loved you had to please people, I was sexually abused as a kid and to this day with God's help I'm breaking away from living in fear. I'm finally accepting myself just the way I am and not trying to be something I am not. I have a long way to go but at least I'm finally moving in the right direction.