cdbf7891

This might be a silly question, but I'm really not sure of the answer...

Does it still work to set up boundaries and detach from situations when the A doesn't understand why you're doing it? I don't want to have to explain myself because I'm terrible with confrontation, so instead I just find myself withdrawing altogether. I know my H doesn't understand why it's happening, but I don't want the blow up if he asks. Is it fair to not explain why and just let him figure it out, or does it just make me a wuss?

jessiec

Great question. I look forward to others' answers.

I only recently set a boundary with my ABF. And I told him Monday (after a drinking-related fight last week) what my boundary is: If he has been drinking, I will not be around him/talk to him (I will not engage; I will not not fight -- I will just take care of myself by leaving because I do not like him when he drinks). I told him because I thought he should know exactly what page I'm on -- I want to be open, honest, etc. I didn't want there to be confusion.

I have not yet had to act on this boundary, but I am prepared to. He has been dry-knuckling since our last fight. But I know until he seeks and sticks with some sort of recovery, it will happen again.

Learn2Live

Yes, it still works; it's your boundary, you can choose to enforce it or not. I never really got anything back from the other person when i communicated my boundaries. But, for me, communicating them was just as powerful as setting them. It felt like I regained control over my life by voicing them.

Cyranoak

He understands. He's just in denial about it. That said, it doesn't matter. The whole point is to do what you need to do for you, not him.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

dollydo

Bounderies are set for you, they do not have to be communicated at great length, however, I would recommend that you do not set a boundery unless you are sure that you will enforce it. Bounderies set to manipulate, or as an ulitimatum never provide positive results.

The benchmark to me, is say what you mean and mean what you say...no mind games.

Thumper

It worked for me. As a matter of fact it was really the only thing that worked for me.

It doesn't make you a wuss. Depending on who you are talking to - it makes you smart. I can talk a lot of circles in some situations but my xah was talented at twisting things and adding to my confusion and emotional anguish so I learned fast to just not go there. You know what else, when I did try and communicate - at his insistence - I might as well have been speaking a different language. If it wasn't the answer he wanted (which is "I take it all back. You are the most awesomest. Come live with me and do whatever it is you want while I pay for it and take care of your every need and want." ) it just doesn't register. When he isn't drunk he doesn't engage in the twisting and emotional viciousness but he just doesn't absorb it. He asks again and again, never satisfied with what he hears. He still sometimes asks and we've been divorced 2 years. I still ignore those questions. I've answered them before. It is POINTLESS and when he is drinking it is POINTLESS and PAINFUL. He is looking for an angle to work, to make me realize I am wrong with my perceptions and feelings, and I'm not going down that path ever ever again.

tabatha

I always thought that no matter what everyone deserved some type of explanation just cause it was the decent thing to do but once the manipulative excuses and circular insane discussion started I was sorry I even brought it up.
It never ended well because all I got was him trying to talk me out of it and me repeating the same tired old words over and over - "Come back when you're sober." I stopped trying to explain my boundaries, as it seemed to fall on deaf (or drunk) ears anyway.

Willybluedog

I think it depends on your situation, are you still married and sharing a home, are you trying to work things out or are you divorcing.

If you are separated, divorcing etc . let your lawyer handle all the communications.

If you are trying to work things out you need someone to mediate, preferably a marriage counselor.

If you don't know what you are going to do and you just need space and time then go NO CONTACT, put up the boundary and enforce it until you are ready to talk on your terms, whether that is, he has to be sober, in recovery, go to AA, whatever you decide.

Best of luck to you,

Bill