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My ABF is making me crazy

Old 11-30-2011, 07:02 PM
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My ABF is making me crazy

I am a divorced woman, three happy kids, I am 42 years old. Darn the luck, fell in love about 6 months ago with an alcoholic who was amazingly good at hiding his addiction. He admits he drinks too much, and has been doing so since he was about 17. (he is also 42) Very good looking, charming, charismatic, hilariously funny man, who I fell for instantly. He, after about 4 months, couldn't really hide it anymore. I thought it was strange how hard he fought to go to the bars alone, without me or anyone, 3-4 times a week. it was my first experience with anyone that chose the bar/alcohol over me. I have never really been a drinker. Don't really like it. He started needing more time away from me. I was suspicious about another woman. come to find out, yep... there was an ex- he was seeing again, AND to make things worst, also drinking more. He has broken up with me several times ( after yelling for about 3 hours and drinking about the same amount of time) He does a vanishing act, for about 2-3 days...HURTS like HELL. BTW... do nothing but worry and feel sorry for myself. FEEL quite abandoned. AND now, after he has done this vanishing act a few times, I have serious anxiety- I MEAN SERIOUS anxiety- he will abandon me again. We fight about 50% of our time spent together. He yells, I cry, I apologize, and admit I ****** it up again. BUT after he sobers, of course, he is sorry. after he vanishes, he, of course is sorry. I can't trust him, have found many messages from other women on his phone, and just recently found out about a secret TWTR account that has some porn ladies "following' him. Grosses me out. SO NOT my lifestyle, and I have to ask...? who am I? that I would date someone that behaves like this. I know I am addicted to his behavior, and it makes me sick. I want out. I love him, and have not found the strength to leave. WHAT is wrong with me. I have always been so so so so strong!!! Typing in tears, feeling crazy about admitting this to you all, and to self.
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Old 11-30-2011, 07:56 PM
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Ellensburg,

He obviously has some major pain in his life that since he was 17 has been trying to fill or not feel.... with alcohol, women, porn, etc. He is so worried about what others think of him cuz he is not satisfied in himself.

Unfortunately there is not a single thing you can do to save him. He is controlling and manipulative just like all addict alcoholics.

He may get sober soon and he may not, but you need more than sober, you need someone who is well, not self centered like we can be.

So, you have to ask yourself? Are you willing to stay with him exactly how he is, (cuz you cannot change him) or not?

I pray God would give you wisdom in making this choice.

Lily
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Old 11-30-2011, 08:09 PM
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Welcome Ellendsburg...The first thing that comes to mind is as you said the '3 happy kids'. I'm hoping either the kids are old enough to understand this man has a problem or too young and in bed by the time he's drunk and ranting.
It doesn't sound like this man has any future plans of changing. It may be in your best interest and of the kids to gather up enough strength to leave. Does he live with you or do you live at his place? Does he just stop over once in a while...Im not sure I understand the arrangement.
I ask because if you are afraid of him make sure you contact local authorites before planning to tell him -especially if he's been drinking and especially if he has weapons in the house. This could be a more serious situation.
He yells at you and you say you're sorry? It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship all around.
If I were you I'd muster up as much strength as I could to split from him. And if you feel the need to get a restraining order -then do so. I speak from experience.
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Old 11-30-2011, 08:37 PM
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Ellen, WOW.

Saying this gently but,..............

You are NOT in a relationship. You are in a toxic situation.........

He vanishes, hangs out with an ex, picks fights, yells, WTH????????

Men that want to be in relationships, don't go trolling bars alone.

You only have a very small amount of time invested here, cut the cord, and move on.

Pay close attention to his actions, his words are MEANINGLESS.

This is no way to live. Get you and your kids to a better place.

You are a strong woman, I can read it in your post, you have been kidnapped by the charismatic alkie. Instant connection= red flag........ It's happened to many of us here.

sorry, this guy is a loser, and i believe he would be a loser even if he did not have a drinking problem.

Take care of you, Wishing you all good things in life.
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Old 11-30-2011, 08:55 PM
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Look up information on codependency. Al anon may address this. Please take care of you & the kids!
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Old 11-30-2011, 09:30 PM
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I am very careful that my children have never heard anything, they are in bed when he is ranting, but I make him go home if he yells too much and they are home. Actually I have to say he has stopped coming over if he is at all mad at me, which happens a couple times a week. UGH. Also, he does not come at all two other nights because he is a writer. (I guess-I've never seen a finished article or screenplay.) He is always drinking when he is alone, so I imagine he doesn't really write much. (when he says he is) I am feeling resentful toward him. I feel the love endorphins draaaaaaaining out of me. WHICH is a GREAT sign!!! makes me happy. Moving on will be that much easier. I believe that someday I will meet someone who is kind and gentle, (more like me) and WHO doesn't go to the bar alone. (yuck) makes me sick.
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Old 11-30-2011, 09:55 PM
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LILY,
Thank-you... I agree with what you say. I feel like you know him. You must have known someone like him. I believe he is very unwell also. I am going to move forward without him. THANK you for your kind words.
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Old 11-30-2011, 11:02 PM
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Where do you see all this heading? It seems clear to me that this is only going to get worse.
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