CamilleBelle

Had and appointment with my counselor yesterday, and let in all out, even though I had planned on going in and talking about how everything was great and I'm doing so well... even though I'm not really. He said it seems like I have some mild depression (not expected) going on and should see a Dr. to get a prescription so that when I do quit drinking that will help keep me from relapsing... (hopefully). Need to make that appointment...

Left the therapist feeling relieved... happy actually to have it all out. He even said I was making progress. Said that it seemed like the "Joy" of drinking was dying for me. I feel I am getting to that point as well... It's just not fun anymore, exhausting really.

BUT THEN... We had company over last night to thank them for watching our house during the holidays and they brought wine! Good wine! We drank and laughed and had a wonderful time! And I probably was drunk when we went to bed, but so was everyone else!! (excuses excuses) I woke up this morning early, felt great and thought to myself, "Why on earth would I ever stop drinking!?" It is too much fun!

But sitting on my couch today, a episode of intervention came on about an alcoholic mother... and man, I balled my eyeballs out. THAT is why I want to stop! I do not want to be that!! and if alcoholism is progressive... that's where I'm headed!! It's a funny process... you know you have a problem, you ADMIT (which I do) have a problem, But when do you LEAP and fix the problem??? I know you'll all say TODAY!! and that's not possible for multiple reasons... so please dont lecture

I've been anti AA this whole time, but after advice from my therapist, finally looked up the meeting times... maybe I'll go tomorrow... check it out...

This is crazy. This whole freaking thing is crazy. I just really cant believe how utterly conniving that alcohol can be... it's running my life, and I'm losing control. The 1st of the year may be too far away to make a change after all... we'll see I guess.

least

Not lecturing, just asking: why is today not possible? Today is all we have, there's no guarantee there will be a tomorrow...

overthis

Some people say that admitting that you have a problem is the hardest part of recovery. However, I believe that admitting that you can quit NOW is more difficult. Every one of us has been at the stage you are at. I don't know your situation on why you think it isn't possible for you to quit now but I can guarantee that it IS possible. Our alcoholic minds can come up with a million reasons on why we can't quit now but ultimately they are all just excuses. It takes courage to cut the excuses out and just quit, I hope you can find that courage soon.

Please don't think I'm disagreeing with anything you have said I am just seeing a lot of where I was at a few weeks ago in your post and know that you can do this!

sissy07

Hi CamilleBelle,

Most of us know how conniving alcohol is. Most of us are intelligent, nice and I have found unusually creative....but it all gets trumped by alcohol. I have been through hell and back with it. Relapsed once after 8 years, once after 9 years, and now I have almost four months. I am not weak, but if you are an alcoholic, alcohol is like Kryptonite. Keep reading.....this is really serious stuff - it really plays with your head. Take care.

Jay1980

Did your company know that you struggle w/alcohol? I really hope not 'cause bringing wine would just be a completely disrespectful, rude, unkind and asinine thing to do. I'm very open about my alcoholism. All my family and friends know. I find it easier that way. I may not be invited to a club or a certain cookout but that's only 'cause they're looking out for my best interest. I'm still REALLY early into sobriety. Some day I'll be able to hit a club or go to a cookout and not have to worry about picking up. But for now I'm playing it safe and not putting myself in those situations.

CamilleBelle

I agree with you, overthis, admitting I had a problem took a lot of courage, but changing things has been a lot harder. admittedly, I have not tried that hard yet... It will be tough. And why not today... you can read my past post about lots of family coming these next few weeks, two of which have already told me their bringing gifts alcohol related... I feel really bad about one because it is a VERY expensive wine fridge, and I already told my husband we'll have to sell it when we move... but it's gotta go. And no, my company did not know... I have only told my parents, husband and a few close friends. Funny thing is...NOT one of them thinks I'm serious... I am not an obvious alcoholic... I keep it together pretty well. One of the most difficult parts of quitting will be getting my family and friends to stop giving me "excuses" Not to quit.

Pigtails

You have to put yourself first and not worry about other people or excuses. That is the only way you will get better... there are ALWAYS excuses to drink and people who want you to keep drinking. It has to be about you, in the here and now, every day/moment from here on out, or nothing will change. Take control of your destiny instead of leaving it in other peoples' hands. Good luck.

Threshold

When I read this my brain translates it into "one of the most difficult parts of quitting will be standing up for myself"

If your dog, husband, kid, best friend had an allergy, and someone gave them a really nice gift that they were allergic to, would you tell them to use it just to be polite?

Our lives are on the line here. Are you getting sober for you, or for "them"?

For some of us it is extremely difficult to put ourselves first, and in recovery we learn to do that. Not in a self indulgent, ego stroking way, but in an honest and purposeful way. I put my oxygen mask on first before assisting the person next to me, because I am not good for anyone or anything once I pass out.

Pigtails

I can so relate. I have always been a people pleaser, and someone who is easily swayed by what someone else wants to do/ wants me to do. I'm tired of that. Recovery is honestly the first thing I have ever done that feels like it's just for me. A gift to myself. If people love me, they will understand. If not, I have to push them out of my way. I don't feel that it's selfish because I won't be able to be a good friend, daughter, sister, employee/co-worker, human being if I'm not sober. I was no good to anyone when I had no self, no voice, when I allowed others to dictate my decisions and sway my values. Drinking is not good for me and I know that, and I am sticking to not drinking, no matter what I have to tell other people or what they think. It makes me want to cheer for myself, which is a feeling I've never had before. Standing up for own best interest, standing firm in what I believe in and want for myself... what amazing feelings. I never would have found them if I hadn't stopped drinking.

overthis

I can so relate to the position you are currently in. My best friend just got married this past weekend. The weekend before that I hosted her bachelorette party with a party bus with kegs. I decided to become sober the week before all of these festivities started. I was so scared that I had picked an impossible time to stop. I am also a functioning alcoholic. My friends and family expect me to drink and I have only told my husband and parents about my quitting.

At thanksgiving, my cousin brought me a martini set and all the fancy stuff to make fancy martinis and I felt so bad turning her down for making one at the time. I took the set home because I didn't want to make anyone feel bad by rejecting it altogether. I will probably end up regifting but it was my way to get around the situation.

At the bachelorette party, It was my idea to get the party bus and bar hop. I was scared I wouldn't be able to say no when we started to celebrate. My friends were curious at first why I wasn't drinking and some encouraged me to drink because I can get pretty roudy when I drink but I was able to just say no. The wedding came around and I had to say no thanks again quite a few times. In the end, we aren't hurting anyone's feelings by not drinking. It's a much bigger deal in our head than it is in theirs.

soberlicious

Truth!

LOL oh yes it is entirely possible. Not lecturing, just pointing out a beautiful lie that alcohol is telling you. She's a conniving little b***h, ya know

Pigtails

Ha, yeah it's funny how now we're turning down the things that were our ideas, which always involve booze! I can so relate. I don't really blame my friends or family for being shocked/confused that I don't drink anymore... I was always "the life of the party." I'm tired of being that girl! I want to be the real me. If that means forsaking parties, so be it.

A woman at AA shared that she didn't go to a friend's bar mitzvah in early sobriety b/c she knew she wasn't strong enough to be around all that free alcohol and everyone drinking. She later made amends and let them know it's b/c she was an alcoholic and had just started recovery at that inopportune time, and they understood. She said it helps her to think of her alcoholism like cancer-- if she had lung cancer, no one would blame her for refusing to be in a room full of smokers. If she had just learned she had diabetes, no one would offer her cake, or blame her for not going to a place where she'd be tempted by cake being shoved in her face so much. We have this condition we need to address by whatever way possible. Sometimes we tough it out for others, but other times we need to be protective of ourselves and our goals, and do whatever it takes for us to stay sober.

CamilleBelle

Reading your posts makes me very hopeful... but very sad at the same time. I am ALWAYS in control of everything... graduated college with honors, amazing wedding this year, nice family, amazing life in general... one of those spoiled kids that gets everything they want and more. So why can't I control this?? I feel a little hopeless tonight, just down-right down. Yuck

Dee74

I was a controller too - part of the reason I drank I think was to control my emotions by nuking them for example - drinking also took me into my own world where everything was mine to shape as I liked...at least in the beginning, anyway

so...I couldn't understand it either - I'm very stubborn, very driven. I've done a lot in my life others in my position have not - but I could not control my alcoholism...

because every time I drink alcohol (or get high) something happens to me and I lose control.

It's an inevitable reaction - it will never change - and it makes for a irreversibly toxic relationship.

The day I accepted that, I started to move forward Camille

D

Tigger41

About 6 weeks ago I mentioned that I was thinking of quitting to 2 friends that I drink with and both went on and on about how I didn't have an issue, never seem drunk, blah blah etc.

So when I stopped I hardly mentioned it to anyone (even my SO, I said I was going to stop for awhile, not making it any big deal) and it's been a struggle because there's no one I can turn to and talk to about this but it takes the stress of them trying to tell me otherwise when I know I have an issue. I've even said to one of the original folks I told "oh I'm just stopping until after Christmas" and then she left me alone... weird. After Christmas I'll say "I just sleep so much better and haven't had any stomach issues since I quit so I think I'm just not going to drink" - I mean what are they going to say - oh no you should drink and sleep poorly and get an upset stomach?

So I use this site a lot. I'm sure everyone is tired of seeing my avatar but it's working for me and I'm doing better. These people on this site have been very good to and for me and we can be there for you also.

Threshold

I felt that way too. Then I realized that "I am always in control" was a myth that I sought to protect by using things to numb my niggling fear that I was not as "in control" as I hoped, wanted or NEEDED to be.

It was only when my using became so obviously out of control that was able to admit that I was not truly in control of many areas of my life.

Yes, my choices make a huge and real difference in situations and outcomes, but that does not mean I CONTROL all factors. Learning to accept that is making a big difference in my life.

Letting go of the need to control, the need to know, the need to appear and be a specific way at all times is a freedom I never knew was possible.

CamilleBelle

Thank you for your post! I completely understand what you are saying. I feel like I'm losing more and more control over this problem. I actually wonder if I am getting worse and worse because I want to hit bottom so I have a reason to get better. Then I snap back and am like: are you insane?!? who WANTS to hit bottom! I need to get better now! While I still can! I need to realize I am not in control of this and need to make the decision to change. The guilt alone is killing me...

sissy07

Camille,

Yep, it would be very smart of you to quit while you are ahead, because it only gets worse, never better. I wish I would have quit before I did......
oh well, at least it hasn't killed me (well, almost). Stay strong

gaffo

Trying to fit into this life that I have created to be able to drink all day as a non drinker is a wild and wooly adventure. I've been sober over a month, the longest stretch (by one day!) of my drinking life. I feel strong in my sobriety. My wife and my pals are on my team. Then I got a call last night from my sister and as I spoke with her I had a brutal craving for a beer or twelve. I didn't have one sip, of course, but I hung up the phone feeling exhausted and glad that I don't go home for Christmas anymore. It's going to be a white knuckle holiday season for me.

Overthis! Your strength is freaking amazing. Your post is inspirational. Thanks and good luck.

Threshold

I hope you are pleasantly surprised to find that NOT drinking makes the holidays smoother, you may find out you are not white knuckling it at all. Don't expect everything to be harder, worse etc, allow for the better days that surely come with sobriety! This is the best Christmas gift you have ever given yourself or your loved ones.