seek

My family is in crisis at the moment around an 18 year old who seems to have alcohol issues (not sure of the extent but some bad things have happened) . . .we are trying to cope ourselves and assist him in formulating a plan of action . . . i know a lot of people will think we should do nothing, but we are trying to do a minimum to set up a base, inform him of resources and then see what happens.

The family has been very alienated - there is another alcoholic who has done a lot of damage and she has a lot of influence over him - and there are people who have never talked to people so all of his lies and secrecy has never before been known to the degree it is known now, because people are talking to each other. My question is about this - because I am the person who is disseminating information - I was told by the alcoholic female that I was "not to talk to anyone." Well, I am not going to let her make the rules about what I can or cannot do and I told her that. I have a fear of getting scapegoated when it is discovered that everyone is on the same page, which means that I would have told several people different things . . .

Any advice on this (besides just keep your mouth shut and mind your own business)? The family is in crisis and is trying to figure out what to do.

dollydo

He is 18, thus an adult, you will not accomplish anything by trying to force him into recovery.

Does he work? Where does he live and does he pay room and board?

The Salvation Army is free, they have a good recovery program, he can go there IF he wants to recover.

You are all in a tizzy, why not turn him over to the HP and let the chips fall where they may.

Learn2Live

I'm not sure I understand what you are asking but I cannot control how others react to me and therefore could never prevent or stop an alcoholic or anyone else for that matter, from using me as their scapegoat. Other than disassociating with those people completely. And even in my absence I'm sure they're still blaming me all these years later.

You seem to have a lot of questions aimed at how to continue to be codependent and involved with some pretty sick people. Are you qualified to help such people? Have you given any thought to attending Al-Anon? Because you need to, no doubt in my mind. (((hugs))) Can't save the world hon.

seek

This is my grandson and I just found out - so I believe I am entitled to "process" and try to figure out what I will do. I am working on it - everyone does not do things "by the book" and everyone does not subscribe to the same "program."

I have my own spirituality, which I have been calling on, and I am working on figuring out what kind, if any, relationship I want or can have with him.

I disagree that it is "unnatural" to have feelings and confusion when something like this has to be dealt with - I had no idea! I thought he was a "normal teenager" - had no clue. So it is kind of shocking and upsetting. I think it's ok to have feelings, right? Or when you come to this board are you expected to be the perfect paragon of a certain demeanor and "program?" I am tired of being put in a box - I am doing the best I can . . .it is not "your way," but it is what I need to do for myself. Thank you.

seek

As far as the scapegoat comment is concerned, it was just me processing - part of "my issue" is that I don't want him to be mad at me or not love me - I know, that is SICK, right? It is my grandson and he means a lot to me, so I do care - can't really help it and that is what I was kind of asking about and I know that he gets to have his own feelings, including how he feels about me and if he wants to scapegoat me and make me the bad guy. It just triggers my "abandonment issues" of a person I dearly love hurting me . . . not really that unusual, I would not think. But then most people probably don't admit being so weak that they want to be loved by the family members that they love.

Learn2Live

Oh my gosh, your grandson! THAT has got to be horrible to be finding all this out. It is so very difficult when they are so close to our hearts yet so far away. Especially at 18! Teenagers don't like people telling them what to do, but it's so hard when you see them doing all the wrong things!

Sorry, didn't mean to say you needed to do anything my way, or that you weren't entitled to feel your feelings. Lord knows I have had more than my fair share of feelings and expressing them LOL! I haven't been here in a while so I didn't know your story; was just making an observation and offering up my perspective. When I first found myself deeply entrenched in an alcoholic addict's mess, their mother told me, "You need to go to Al-Anon." And I listened. I went and it CHANGED MY ENTIRE LIFE (not yelling, just emphasizing). I am literally a DIFFERENT person now than I was then, because of Al-Anon. I hope you think about going. In the meantime, feel free to keep posting all your questions here. There's a saying in Al-Anon, Seek, that I love: Take what you like and leave the rest. It is perfectly OK for you to pick and choose the words, phrases, sentences, and responses you like and totally ignore what you don't like. But whatever you do, take good care of YOU while you figure things out.

seek

Thank you for understanding and giving me space to vent. I love him so much - this is just breaking my heart. I never had a clue it would be an issue because he has lots of good role models (and some bad ones!) - but somehow I thought the moral and spiritual teachings would protect him.

Learn2Live

Try to learn as much as you can about alcoholism. I've forgotten the author's name but there is one particularly good book on the disease, maybe someone will chime in the name. Do you like to read? That is one of the best ways I have found to calm my fears and anxieties about my loved ones. First thing you need to know is, alcoholism is a disease. And it runs in families. IMO, despite what some religions say, morality and spirituality do not cure medical illnesses. Though alcoholism and addiction in general ARE spiritual diseases. Strange, huh? So, it seems, morality and spirituality can help bring a person back out of the disease but it cannot cure or prevent it. Does that make sense to you? If not, sorry I may not be explaining it correctly.

Also, listen, he is 18. That is very young. Just because he is drinking does not mean he is an alcoholic. You may want to Google teenage drinking and look for scientific web sites, such as the US Substance Abuse government web site. There is lots of good info there!

theuncertainty

Under the Influence by Milam and Ketcham is a really good book with a lot of info on alcoholism. Is that the one you're thinking of, L2L? Seek, there are excerpts from the book in the Stickies and it's one I highly recommend.

Learn2Live

Yep Uncertainty, that's the one. Thank you