AjahnOfSelf

Greetings All,

I don't know how much more of this my father & I can take. As of yesterday, he really can't hold his bladder anymore (he had 4 accidents yesterday I think...I'm so ******* tired anymore I don't even know). So, I'm feeling scared, angry/enraged, utterly exhausted...NOT at my father however. I'm just feeling what I'm feeling and I don't like it. My sister calls this morning to see how Dad is doing, I tell her, I also tell her that my Dad & I talked and I told him I was scared.

She didn't agree with that. Little does she know how close my Dad and I have gotten. Even though he is dying, we can finally really talk- as human beings, as father & son, and as friends.

Funny thing about this Addict, when I feel feelings intensely sometimes, why is it that I want to hurt myself? This has baffled me all my life. I'm in sooo much pain right now I'm practically numb. I don't have the urge to use, but, I just don't want to be ****** with, bothered, talked to....nothing. I just want to be left alone.

I really like this forum however, I can interact with people and vent my frustrations with the hopes of being accepted at face value- intense feelings...if you're an Addict you know the ones I mean. Most Addicts I've met are pretty intense people to begin with in their own way.

Kind regards,

AOS

Impurrfect

(((AOS))) - I've gone through periods when life has just overwhelmed me, and I want to isolate - don't want to talk to anyone. Unfortunately, I took it to the extremes, in early recovery, and just shut down. I felt like I was drowning, but did make myself sign on here, and that helped a lot.

I still have days like that, but I try to limit them to just one day. You're going through an extremely hard time, right now. I'm glad you came here. No matter what I've been through, in recovery, someone has always been here to "talk", give me a reality check, or just listen.

You and your family remain in my prayers.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

AjahnOfSelf

Thank you Impurrfect,

This forum is my only easy Recovery tool right now. Yeah, I talked to my sponsor, sometimes I'm just over The Basic f*cking Text & The 12 & 12. I need a release. EVERYTHING I do at this moment is work. I'm sitting down to type this after being on watch for my Dad after a really hard day. He's sleeping in the bed, I'm typing sitting in the chair next to him.

Thanks,

AOS

Impurrfect

(((AOS))) - before my addiction ruined my career, I was a nurse and felt like the "ultimate caregiver". Yes, you do need a release (not drugs), but it's physically and emotionally draining when you're doing what you're doing. I hope you get a break.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Scolova

I watched over and helped my dad up until he died in '05, I was deep in the hell of alcoholism. I'm glad to have spent time with him back then, I often felt like you do, just wish I wasn't so strung out\ drunk. Hope things get better and stay sober.

mllaw323

Even recovering addicts dont have a lot of patience I have bad days but I do have good days to. My wifes father stays with us and we take care of him he used to be alcoholic till he started having trouble with his blood pressure and had 2 Minne strokes we put him in a rest home but he shut his self down and was dyeing so we took him out and he lives with us now and is doing pretty good yea it can drag you down but we have a 15 yr old daughter who helps us with him.

Dee74

I think that would be a problem for anybody.

I know in my country there are community organisations that will send people to come in and give you a break - I remember you said you had something like that going on - can you perhaps access that a little more?

D

northbelle

Wow...it takes alot of courage to do what you are doing. I believe there is something very special you get from being with people when they are passing. Not everyone can hack it! My hat is off to you! Watched both my parents die but never really took care of them physically...it must be SO comforting for him to have YOU there! Thank you for making his life a blessing!!!

If I every had to be with anyone with mass pain meds for any prolonged period I believe I would succumb to the addiction. I have worked around drugs and alcohol for two years now and have been surrounded by them just in the work enviroment. Please believe my addict was right there waiting patiently till the time I gave in. I am working hard to stay clean one day at a time right now.
Glad you feel good posting here..Yup there is no judgement from me. I don't care what you DID..I do how ever care how you feel!
Take care and keep posting!

love norty

Pandie

Hugs AOS! I've been trying to help with a friend who is dying of cancer. I worked with her, she's a paramedic. She has been fighting this damn cancer for three years and just recently went into hospice. She's doing home hospice now and her son, who turns 18 today has been coordinating a schedule of people to come over and help. They live about 90mins from me, but I went last week and it was rough. I didn't have any drugs, or I'm sure I would have used.

My other DOC is food, and I found myself obsessing over this stupid baguette I had in the car, I couldn't wait to get to get out of there, drive home and eat the baguette. Same, same, same. It doesn't matter what we use to numb out.

I'm going back next week to stay for two nights/two days with her. I'm trying to plan ahead on how to deal with my feelings before I go back to the place where I want to numb out. I lost my dad to cancer when I was 15 and it brings back a lot of those memories . It is also incredibly hard to see someone you love so weak, and constantly vomitting, needing help to go to the bathroom on a bedside toilet, etc. Her pain meds are infused through a machine, I think she's on dilaudid. And the only stuff she takes by mouth is stuff for nausea.

It is so difficult to care for a sick friend or parent, and my heart goes out to you. Is there anyone else that could help you with your dad? Your city may have a respite program, that will arrange for someone to care for your dad while you get a break for a few hours. Praying for you and your dad.