halfwife

Hi again!

So! My A started drinking again openly, but only at Thanksgiving dinner... I KNOW he got drunk last night when I was out. I am wanting to confront him...but too afraid. Will it help? I feel like it would help me, but does it matter? *sigh*

suki44883

You have the right to tell him how you feel about it, but don't expect it to make much, if any, difference. Don't make ultimatums unless you are willing to back them up. I highly suggest that you get to al-anon and learn how to detach from his actions. You can't change him, but you certainly can change how you choose to deal with it.

halfwife

Hey there, thanks. I go to alanon when I can find sitters. I don't really have any interest in ultimatums, I'm done with that. I'm trying to divorce myself from his behavior...and doing so by leaving. I just feel like I have a right to say how I feel, even though he's my hardware store and I'm starving. :P This is dumb behavior isn't it? I can see it as I type, but still am dying to say it! GRRRR

BlueMoon

Well – here’s my 2 cents worth of experience –
In situations where I want to confront my AH, I ask myself “Yeah, and THEN what?”

If I say to my AH “I know you were drinking last night.”, he’s got a choice of 2 replies:
1) “Yeah, what if I was? I’ve got a right to have a pint of whiskey . . . blah blah blah”
2) “Why Honey, why would you say that? You know I wouldn’t do that to you.” (all wide-eyed and innocent)

And THEN what?
I get to have a fight about how he PROMISED he wouldn’t or I get to walk around doubting myself and feeling crazy for thinking he was drinking when obviously he wasn’t (cuz he said he wasn’t).

I know he’s been drinking – HE knows he’s been drinking.
I try to connect with someone in Al-anon and get to a meeting.
I try really hard (and it IS hard!) to take care of ME.

Take it One Day at a Time + Keep Coming Back!

Blue

Eight Ball

When my AH first relapsed and I found the evidence, I left an empty bottle on the counter top, just to let him know that I knew. When I got home from work I was expecting him to say how sorry he was and he wouldnt do it again. What I got was a verbal backlash that lasted a very long time, all about how bad I was. I wouldnt do that again.

I personally think you will make more of an impact on your AH by not saying anything at all and letting it go.

I think your AH probably knows that he has let you down and also let himself down by drinking again and will be giving himself a hard enough time on his own and your silence will be deafening to him!

halfwife

I couldn't let it go...the tension was killing me. So I did it...I don't know that it was helpful, but it was cathartic. Sure he's still denying the sneak drinking that I found PROOF for...and that was annoying, but telling him know that I'm hurt and feeling betrayed felt good.

Plus hearing his old tired lines, I never promised total abstinence, I just started with a few, but I don't want to go back to that old lifestyle. This isn't really about my drinking...
I'm glad he went back to all that. It is reassuring me that I'm making the right decision in removing me and the kids from his toxicity. I know that one drunk leads to more...he's probably downstairs downing a few right now.
So, not helpful, but worthwhile. Thanks all for just being here.

BlueMoon

(((big hugs for you!)))

Hang in there + keep comin' back!!!
Blue

m1k3

Halfwife, I found that when I really looked at it I was angry not because of what my AW did but rather she wasn't living up to my expectations on what I thought she should be doing. I expected her to stop drinking, stop taking the pills, to care, to be someone she wasn't. Once I accepted the reality of what she was and dropped the expectations my anger began to fade away. It allowed me to begin working on me and focus on my side of the street which really improved my life.

Your friend,

.