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Thanksgiving weekend/ vacation

Old 11-28-2011, 02:00 PM
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Thanksgiving weekend/ vacation

Hi everyone. I wanted to thank you for the encouragment and support while I was on vacation over the Thanksgiving weekend. I didn't have much time/opportunity to post, but whenever I did, you guys were always there to help me, and everyone's comments helped me stay sober.

The long weekend was full of a lot of excitement/newness. My boyfriend and I drove up to a "neighboring" city (a rather long drive) to meet up with my sister, who flew in from the East Coast, and her best friend, who lives in that city. It was the first time my boyfriend and sister met each other, and the first time he met her friends and my friends who live in that city, as well as my first time meeting some of his relatives that live in that city.

Every single day, people were drinking. I found myself noticing who was and wasn't drinking, and how much, and wondering why, etc. It was like I was obsessed with other people's drinking. I told them I wasn't drinking because I am trying to improve my anxiety-related sleep disorder, which is true, but I kept wondering if they all thought I was some kind of alcoholic freak. :-/ My sister couldn't believe I wasn't drinking... she kept alternating between saying "I'm so proud of you" and "WHY are you not drinking? Are you pregnant??!" She told me she had never seen me not drinking, and also that she had never seen me so "calm." I took these things as compliments.

Most of the time I didn't want to drink, but on Friday night, while everyone was hanging out and drinking, I did want to drink, and came and posted here. Then we all started playing a funny board game and I forgot about not drinking! I was having a good time sober. On Saturday night we went out to dinner and a comedy show, and then everyone else wanted to go to a bar. I hesitated because I didn't want to be around that, but I also didn't want to be a spoilsport. I went and for most of the time I felt okay/good about not drinking, although periodically I would want a drink. On both Friday and Saturday nights, once my sister got tipsy/drunk, she would say "Aww I shouldn't be drinking, to support you in not drinking." I would just laugh and say "Thanks for the sentiment, now that you're drunk." I realized that I have to stay sober no matter what anyone else does or doesn't do, but, I must admit it is hard to be the only one not drinking, and I was wishing there were a couple more abstainers so I wouldn't feel so weird. My sister's best friend wasn't very drunk and asked me how I put up with everyone sober, and said she could never do it. I said it's sometimes hard!! Ha. My boyfriend got very drunk on Saturday night and I got rather annoyed, feeling like I am always the responsible one, who remembers where we parked and drives us home etc. and I just wanted to go home and go to bed, but I was driving us, so we stayed until the bar closed.

Yesterday we met up for brunch with a friend of mine from college who lives there, and they had mimosas and bloody marys and I had coffee. Then we were supposed to be getting on our way back home and I just hit some kind of emotional wall. My boyfriend and I had been talking about my friend from college who is a huge partier... she goes to Burning Man every year and attends "burner events" every weekend... I was telling him how I am amazed at how many drugs she always does yet she holds down a good job and seems "normal," whereas all the burner friends she introduces me to seem more like slackers who don't have jobs, and none of them have families... and my boyfriend made some comments like "Maybe they don't want families, maybe they are happy going out all the time, what's so great about having a good job and a family anyway?" and I just lost it.

I just started crying and saying I'm afraid that we want different things, because when I met him I was a big party girl, although I had been trying/was trying to change things, and now I am really serious about changing things, but I fear that he wants the girl he met (he had even made a comment that I don't sound like I did when he first met me, and I said, "I'm not! The problem is that I don't want to be that girl any more, but I don't know who I am, or who I'll become, or if you'll still want me, or if we'll just be too different to be together...") I was really honest with him (which I am always am... that is a great thing I love about our relationship) and told him about discussions I'd had with my sister and her friend about not drinking... her friend had said she likes the first warm moment when she drinks a rum and coke and feels happy and warm inside... and I told my boyfriend, I wish I could be like that, but once I get that feeling it just makes me want even more, and more and more and more... and my boyfriend said he doesn't even get that feeling, until he gets really drunk and then he just keeps drinking to try to get more of the feeling... I said, I wish I could drink normally, but I can't. And I feel like alcohol was my best friend who would help me cope with everything, and now I don't have that, so I feel completely lost, and unsure how to deal with things, although I'm really trying.

I said I know for sure I don't want my old life of partying all the time, because it was empty, and I'm beginning to see why "normal" people, who I used to think were "boring," are happier than I am, because they value connections with family and friends and can do little things I can't do, like go to bed on time and get a good night's sleep and keep their house clean etc... I feel like an elementary schooler trying to learn everything for the first time, and I get frustrated when he says things I may want in the future are boring or "no fun," because I'm learning that life is not just about fun, and that you can't really be happy if you're only looking for the next thrill. He said he doesn't know why he says those things, he does want lasting relationships and a family etc., but he's just afraid to go after what he really wants, and it's easier to stay the way he always has been. On the drive home I talked to him about AA and what I'm learning and how it's helped me, and it was nice to be able to talk to him about this stuff and kind of remind myself out loud why I'm staying sober. He said he thinks he needs to cut back down on his drinking or maybe stop altogether, and that he needs to change his thinking so it's more positive.

I just thought it was weird that all weekend I was thinking it was pretty "easy" to stay sober... I was even worried that once I got home it would be harder since I wasn't on vacation or with my sister etc... and then at the end of the weekend I just start crying and saying how hard it is. It's really weird! But anyway that was my weekend and I am rather happy to be back so that I can work on improving the little things in my daily life and going to meetings etc. I am being patient with myself and trying to change little things at a time instead of having these huge expectations/goals that feel overwhelming. Thanks again for everyone's support.
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Old 11-28-2011, 02:14 PM
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I'm glad you enjoyed your Thanksgiving weekend.

It's not unusual that your boyfriend is reacting to the changes you're trying to make. People don't generally like change and he is probably wondering how this will work out. When I stopped drinking, I knew for certain that I had to focus on myself and my needs and give up trying to be what others wanted me to be. It was scary and hard but I needed to do it to save my life.

I think you found that there's a lot more to recovery than just stopping drinking. You didn't drink during the weekend and that wasn't too hard for you, but all the emotional fallout is more difficult to deal with. But you're doing great!

I also felt like a child when I began recovery. I had no idea that the small things in life could be so fulfilling and wonderful. I love getting up first in the morning, grinding the coffee beans and making breakfast. It's my favourite time of the day.
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Old 11-28-2011, 02:47 PM
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Way to go pigtails!! I really commend you for staying strong thru all those difficult situations. I agree w what Anna said..change can be hard for people to accept because it is human nature to get used to routines and familiarity. As long as you keep the focus on your happiness everything else should fall into place
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Old 11-28-2011, 02:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I'm glad you enjoyed your Thanksgiving weekend.

It's not unusual that your boyfriend is reacting to the changes you're trying to make. People don't generally like change and he is probably wondering how this will work out. When I stopped drinking, I knew for certain that I had to focus on myself and my needs and give up trying to be what others wanted me to be. It was scary and hard but I needed to do it to save my life.

I think you found that there's a lot more to recovery than just stopping drinking. You didn't drink during the weekend and that wasn't too hard for you, but all the emotional fallout is more difficult to deal with. But you're doing great!

I also felt like a child when I began recovery. I had no idea that the small things in life could be so fulfilling and wonderful. I love getting up first in the morning, grinding the coffee beans and making breakfast. It's my favourite time of the day.
Thanks Anna. He did say that he's glad I'm not drinking if it makes me happier, which it seems to, and that he wouldn't want a girlfriend who is always out partying so he doesn't know why he says certain things. I understand that he's baffled by such sudden change and worried about how it might affect us.

Like you, I'm enjoying the simple things in life and I hope to continue to change for the better.
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Old 11-28-2011, 03:03 PM
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Thanks for sharing- very encouraging. I have stayed sober know for 12 days. It isnt easy, and I dont think I could have held off with your holiday schedule. Great job.
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Old 11-28-2011, 03:05 PM
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Well done. Glad you made it through the holidays. If all the recent posts about relapses are any indication, Thanksgiving was fraught with danger for those seeking sobriety.
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Old 11-28-2011, 03:36 PM
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change is always difficult in a relationship, especially if only one partner is committed to change....

it's early days though and you two sound like you have great communication between you, which is pretty much the best thing you can have, I think.

I'm glad you're staying committed to recovery pigtails

D

Last edited by Dee74; 11-28-2011 at 03:58 PM.
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Old 11-28-2011, 03:54 PM
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Hi Pigtails,

I really enjoyed reading your post. Quite agree Anna it is the small things that have become enjoyable.

All the best
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Old 11-28-2011, 05:11 PM
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Originally Posted by DarrenW View Post
Thanks for sharing- very encouraging. I have stayed sober know for 12 days. It isnt easy, and I dont think I could have held off with your holiday schedule. Great job.
Thanks. Today is 22 days for me. Congrats on your 12 days.
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Old 11-28-2011, 05:12 PM
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl View Post
Well done. Glad you made it through the holidays. If all the recent posts about relapses are any indication, Thanksgiving was fraught with danger for those seeking sobriety.
I relapsed over Halloween and was determined not to let the holidays get the best of me this time around. I realize I could have a bazillion "occassions"/reasons to drink. But I have an overall big reason not to drink, which is that I want a better life! So I'm not sure what "clicked" with me but this time I'm really serious, and I thank all of you for the support, because it's really been helpful.
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Old 11-28-2011, 05:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
change is always difficult in a relationship, especially if only one partner is committed to change....

it's early days though and you two sound like you have great communication between you, which is pretty much the best thing you can have, I think.

I'm glad you're staying committed to recovery pigtails

D
I am very grateful for our good communication and openness/honesty. I think/hope we will be okay because of that. Even if he doesn't always agree with me or I with him, we always say what's on our mind and listen/try to understand each other, and that's important to me.
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Old 11-28-2011, 05:24 PM
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Pigtails, I commend you for staying sober amidst a familiar scene with friends and family, at parties and at bars. My drinking began in those types of situations, but when I moved away from all my friends (most of whom I drank with often) and basically didn't have a social life, I began to drink at home alone. So while it's hard for me not to drink now, I can imagine how hard it will be when I go home for a visit and I'm in those situations. That really shows your commitment and determination.
As far as your boyfriend is concerned, I agree with the others that change is just hard. It sounds like you have good communication and hopefully that will help you understand each other better as time goes on.
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Old 11-29-2011, 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted by timetochange View Post
Pigtails, I commend you for staying sober amidst a familiar scene with friends and family, at parties and at bars. My drinking began in those types of situations, but when I moved away from all my friends (most of whom I drank with often) and basically didn't have a social life, I began to drink at home alone. So while it's hard for me not to drink now, I can imagine how hard it will be when I go home for a visit and I'm in those situations. That really shows your commitment and determination.
As far as your boyfriend is concerned, I agree with the others that change is just hard. It sounds like you have good communication and hopefully that will help you understand each other better as time goes on.
Yeah sometimes it seems so hard to not drink because literally everyone I know/hang out with drinks. I've cut off my big-time drinking buddies and I try hard to stay away from bars, clubs, etc. but I can't just not see my sister for Thanksgiving, or leave the house when everyone else is drinking, or go home when everyone else wants to go to a bar. I mean, I guess I could do all of those things, and if I felt that my sobriety depended on it, I would, but at this point I'm realizing I cannot isolate myself from everyone who drinks, and I have to just tought it up and get through some of those times.

A friend just invited me out for dinner and dancing on Friday night, and that is exactly the kind of thing I used to love. I can't see that it will be much fun if I'm the only one not drinking, and I don't want to tempt or frustrate myself, so I'm going to tell her no. But the situations I was in all over the long weekend were different... it is easier when I'm with my sister and/or boyfriend because I always have fun with them regardless and know they care about me, but it's a different thing to go out with people who know me as a big drinker and whose sole purpose for going out is to "socialize" with alcohol.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to avoid "trigger" situations and things forever or temporarily, or if I need to adjust my attitude so that I enjoy doing them sober. For instance yesterday I was driving home from work and there was this awesome pop/techno dance music on the radio that I used to love, and I had a flashback at being at a club, drinking and doing coke and just losing myself in the music/moment, and I felt a sort of nostalgia. I was wondering if I will ever be able to enjoy dancing without drinking, or if it would just tempt and frustrate me. But then today I went to the gym and there was some of the same music on my iPod and I realized I can still use it to pump me up during a run, to energize me while I clean my apartment, or to dance at home by myself, ha ha.

Thanks for the post and I hope you're having a good week.
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