FML

I'm very disappointed in myself. This past weekend I visited my hometown. I didn't try not to drink, but I planned NOT to get drunk. The first night I was there I had just one glass of wine from a big bottle of merlot my mom got because I was coming (obviously she doesn't think I drink too much). So I felt like yeah, I got this..I can do moderation.
Well the next day I began drinking that bottle around noon, walked to my friends house, and we finished it off. Then my husband and I went to the bar and drank beer (still haven't told my husband I'm thinking about quitting. I know it will make this decision more real and I guess I'm putting that off)
As the night went on I began playing air guitar and headbanging. That turned into headstands. Not exactly how a 30 year old woman should be behaving at a bar..in fact NO ONE should put their heads on the floor of a bar.
This happened on Saturday. My head still hurts and I still feel like crap. I'm feeling very discouraged, anxious, tired but unable to sleep well. I have been very unproductive.
I'm not confident that I can quit drinking right now with the holidays. I have come up with the idea of giving myself until New Years. My New Years resolution 2012 to give up alcohol. But then I wonder why wait. I'm not doing myself any favors by dragging this out.
I didn't have cold feet when I got married, but the concept is very much how I feel when I think about not drinking again. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time commiting to this.

Anna

Don't put it off. Honestly, there is never a good time to stop drinking. Life is life, and there will always be something that comes along to shake you up. The whole point is to learn healthy ways to deal with stuff.

It's really hard to admit that we're alcoholics, but it's the greatest gift you can give to yourself.

least

The sooner you quit drinking, the sooner you eliminate all the risk that comes from drinking. Quit now before something awful happens.

EmeraldRose

As alcoholics, putting ourselves in tricky positions make for guilty outcomes. No doubt about it. The alternative is to stop now while you still have some integrity left...before it goes too far.
Tomorrow is a brand new day!

Dee74

It took me years to learn I don't get a choice - once I take that first drink it's out of my hands whether I get drunk or not. Alcohol takes the driver's seat.

As you found out, that loss of control may not be right away - but it is inevitable.

Anna's right - there's no good time to quit. Don't put it off.
Sobriety really is a great gift - don't deny yourself

D

Bimm

If you don't want to be disappointed in yourself then make the decision to get sober and then make it happen..

DarrenW

Great post, Dee. Especially that loss of control is inevitable. Your earlier comment about the person being in control---and not the alcohol---is very powerful.

I am struggling today, but I am not going to lose control. 12 days....and counting.

Good luck FML- I have done things far worse than that. Today is a new day- and I am not going to drink again.

slomehe

I felt the same on Thanksgiving, but I actual started thinking I need to quit, during my drinking. I thought about waiting until New Years, but then I realized, there are holidays for drinking all throughout the year, so might as well quit today. So my last day drinking was officially Last thursday. Don't put it off. You can do it. We can do it. I am scared to death too, but it can be done.

DarrenW

Good post. My "holidays" were the following:

Thursday Night- hey- why not get a headstart on the weekend
Friday Night- Reward myself for working hard all week
Saturday Night- this goes without saying
Sunday- Its Football or Nascar time
Monday- Monday night football baby
Tues, Wed- Well I usually laid off those nights.

Gerbosko

I'll compare this to smoking, because this is what smokers tell themselves too "I'll set a date and I'll quit then" (except you used the word "give up"). When you set a date on quitting something that you've done for so long, it does not work. Very, very, very rarely will you ever succeed if you set a date because when the date gets closer and closer, you'll start drinking more and more because you have issues with putting the bottle down. When smokers get closer to their quit date, they do the exact same thing, they'll smoke as much as possible (oh, I'll finish off this pack so I won't any left for tomorrow, my quit date). I went through that with smoking, where I set a quit date, and I was right back where I started 5 hours later.

The day you need to quit is now, not tomorrow, not next week.. It's now or never. When you give yourself time to "prepare" for quitting, it just doesn't work. When you say "I quit", that's it, you're done. You're not losing nothing, you're GAINING back your life. Don't keep fooling yourself that it's going to work if you set a date, it's so vital that you understand this.

When you say "I'm giving up drinking", you're admitting that alcohol has defeated you and that you are giving up something. What are you giving up? Please list me reasons about what alcohol has given you that sobriety has not? I'll wait on that list . Exactly, you're losing nothing! so that means you're quitting and not giving up! You have a full life in front of you, are you going to be dragged behind the bottle or are you going to get your act together and come out on top?

CaiHong

FML

I am not convinced and by the sound of your post I don't think you are either, that you want to give up.

The important thing is that you see that you have a problem, this is a good beginning.

I am coming up to 6 months sober. It has taken years for me to realize that I am an alcoholic and that alcohol was THE problem in my life.
I can't moderate my drinking, I don't want to, I want to get drunk.

Start to think about your drinking don't put any pressure on yourself, you are the only one that can start the process to sobriety and I hope that realiztion comes sooner than later.

CaiHong

TimFoot

Whatever feelings you have that say "I need alcohol to numb this" just say to yourself "The new me doesn't drink alcohol to push away these feelings. Millions of people in the world feel this way sometimes and don't even think that alcohol is the solution, so who am I to need to drink?"

mwstylee

I've finally come to realize I can't drink normal. I'm just not able to. I realize I should not partake in more experiments to see if my dangerous habits have changed....because year after year, I try to drink like a normal person, and fail. I think also as an alkie you can relate. Our brains are just wired different, huh?

FML

Gerbosko, your question may have been rhetorical about what I'm giving up by giving up alcohol. I immediately came up with answers in my head such as "the ability to overcome shyness", "confidence", "relaxation" etc. But then I saw that you said to list what alcohol has given me that sobriety has not, and I realize that all the things that I listed are things that I COULD get while being sober...I'm just going to have to work for them. Alcohol has been my cop out on working to improve these things that are hard for me. Thanks for inspiring that reflection!

TimFoot, what you say reminds me of the law of attraction. I think it will be useful for me to use that approach with this because it has helped for me with other things in my life like getting fit.

mwstylee, it's hard huh? To know we can't be like the normal people toasting champagne at New Years, or enjoying just a glass or two of egg nog or whatever without the possibility of getting hammered during the holidays. Sometimes I can handle it just fine but it's like Russian roulette..

OceanSize

Hi there,

I never thought i'd quote from the book Alcoholics Anonymous, but when i was trying to figure out if i was a "real" alcoholic, these two paragraphs stood out to me (page 31) and now i've been sober from booze, narcotics, pill popping for 104 days. I was in total denial. It wasn't until i stopped completely that i was able to realize how much of a problem i really have with controlled drinking. My "last drunk" was a horrid bottom and i'm glad it came up to hit me.

My social drinking almost always resulted in remorse, shame, blackout and sometimes even delirium, in which i would do stupid embarrassing things, have a ton of regret even over stuff that would seem otherwise "funny" and i would become extremely angry and start inane drunken blackout delirium filled arguments that i don't even remember, but i caused so much wreckage with a few people who are the people in the world who i love the most.

anyway, this helped me a lot:

mwstylee

This passage also impacted me. I just started reading this book...I walked into the library,shaking, cold sweats, and tracked it down today. I was withdrawing so badly and was trembling when it picked it up. Embarassingly checked it out. I realized I tried all the things mentioned in this section and I realized how bad off I really was. Currently ddrunk again to stave off the shakes but I hope to be able to quit for good some day. Thanks.

SSIL75

I put off quitting for years (literally years and years) because it felt like a loss to me. I really didn't understand all that I would gain in sobriety. And that everything about alcohol that I thought was so worthy of my time and energy was just ridiculous, alcoholic stuff.

How much it relaxed me! How much I laughed! How it brightened every situation! And now that I'm sober I see that it's all untrue. I am much, much more relaxed sober. I feel lighter/brighter... every day. And laughter... I still remember my first sober belly laugh with tears. My stomach HURT. That hadn't happened since I was a teenager.

Great times are ahead.

Gerbosko

Is it true relaxation when you are drinking? You're drinking away problems, how can you relax when you add a depressant on top of life issues?

You're giving yourself false confidence when you drink, you're not your true self. Gaining confidence is part of the growing experience, not part of the drinking experience. When you fake who you, you're giving everyone around you a false lead.

Granted, I'm naturally a shy person too but the bottle certainly never helped me at all. It gave me the false confidence that I was someone new with a desire to act out in public unlike I would if I was sober. When I quit drinking, I started to improve my life - going on walks, getting out and about, and just enjoying what I've became since I quit. I found that my shyness really is not that bad compared to what I always thought it was before I took a swig of alcohol.

Things come naturally, FML. When you cover up yourself with a poison and act like a fake, it will catch up to you.

ReadyAndAble

Hi, FML.

I said the same thing about New Year's 2007. And 2008. And 2009. I made birthday plans, too. And then I finally quit on a random day last December. I'm glad I stopped waiting for the right moment, and instead seized my own.

I remember being unable to imagine life without any alcohol. Now I can't understand why I waited so long. It's liberating to be in back control of my thoughts, my actions, and my reputation. I even stopped envying people who drink in moderation. I think the most enviable people are the ones who enjoy it all—parties, concerts, conversations, you name it—without a thing to drink. That may not be normal, but it's pretty badass.

wichitaks

I do the same thing as you mentioned FML I just turned 31... I start out by saying okay just a few to get a nice buzz and then Im done and before you know it you're hugging people and stumbling all over the place... For me there is no one or two.... It's all or nothing. I drink one day usually a Friday every two weeks but the problem is I get blackout drunk on that day... Even though my friends say "oh you were hilarious last night" and it seems fun at the time, the depression and self hate that alcohol leaves me with is way worse than 6 hours of fun that I wont remeber anyways... Plus alcohol has given me nothing in the 12 years that I have been a regular drinker but it has taken SO much that I will never get back..... I guess I am just afraid of what my life will be like if I couldnt drink at gatherings, weddings and such... Although I know consciously my life would be dramatically improved its just that I feel somehow I need alcohol to have a good time.....