MaybeCalifornia

Hello all! Before I begin my ramblings, I'd like to say that I just found this forum recently & have been reading many posts- I've already gotten some very interesting & useful info here, so thank you all very much.

Brief background: I've been married to my husband for almost 15 years. He was an "only rarely/social" drinker when we got together, but his drinking has escalated slowly but surely over the years. Things started to go downhill rapidly about 3 years ago when his father got sick (complications from his own alcoholism), then fell apart entirely about a year ago when his father passed away. In those 3 years, he's been arrested 3 times (2 DUI, 1 drunk & disorderly charge), lost his driver's license, been knocked down to part-time at work, alienated the majority of his friends & family, and has fallen into a profound depression. Aside from those few days a week he manages to get to work, he spends literally all of his time either drunk or in bed with the covers over his head.

Of course he has a laundry-list of reasons why he doesn't have a problem/need to get well, all the classic excuses. And a great many of those reasons basically come down to "It's your fault." The logical part of my mind knows that this is NOT true, but I'm still dealing with a whole load of guilt here.

Here's the thing: I am not completely sober. I come from an Italian-American family & a glass of wine with Sunday dinner is par for the course. No one in my family has ever had a drinking or addiction problem that I can recall, though nearly all of them drink socially. I like wine & might have 2 or 3 glasses a week. I haven't drank enough to get drunk or even really "buzzed" in more than 5 years. My husband uses my drinking as a reason why he should be able to drink, too. (I should note here that I do NOT drink with or even in front of my husband. I only have a drink in social situations, he only drinks alone.)

So recently I thought, "Fine. I'll just quit. I certainly don't need alcohol & I doubt I'll even really miss it." Then the conflicted feelings started- I'm capable of drinking responsibly, why should I have to quit? Why should I have to make these changes in my life, when I have no assurance that he's going to change? Why am I altering my life to be a better wife or please him when he's been such a terrible husband lately? Why do I have to be perfect before he gets well? I firmly believe that even if I did quit, he would find some other fault or flaw of mine to use in his "you're not so great, either!" reasoning.

Therein lies the conflict. If I quit, am I eliminating excuses & helping create a healthier environment, or am I giving in to another one of his manipulations & allowing him to place too much blame on me? If I continue to have an occasional drink, am I being selfish, or am I standing my ground & refusing to allow him to set the terms of this relationship/my life?

I've been thinking a lot about Al-Anon, in fact, I'm thinking about attending my 1st meeting this evening. Do I have to be sober to attend Al-Anon meetings? To be perfectly honest, I am beyond terrified to take that step & would be crushed to feel judgement or blame for my situation. I have almost no one IRL that I feel comfortable talking to about this & I feel like I desperately need a support system.

So that's my long-winded yet extremely abbreviated take on my situation. If you read the whole thing, I thank you. If you have any ideas/opinions/advice, I would love to read it, and I thank you in advance.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for sharing some of your story with us. I hope you will continue to post and read as much as needed. I applaud your decision to start finding resources to help you deal with the active alcoholism in your home. Alanon meetings and SR are wonderful resources for support and information.

Here is a link to a sticky (permanent) post that contains steps for living with a loved ones alcoholism. I found them extremely helpful:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

You asked if you should be sober when you attend your first Al-anon meeting, right? I would recommend skipping the glass of wine before your meeting. One of the many things I enjoy at meetings is the sobriety. No alcohol breath, and sober hugs (if wanted). Alcohol breath and inibriated affections were something I was happy to get away from for one hour.

The great thing about Al-anon is the warmth, understanding, lack of judgement, and serenity that permeates the room! I encourage you to walk through your fear and embrace the unknown possibilities that are available.

MaybeCalifornia

Thank you so much for the welcome, Pelican, and for reading! I'm definitely learning a lot here already & really enjoying reading other people's thoughts.

I should clarify: when I asked if I needed to be sober to attend Al-anon meetings, I didn't mean drinking before the meeting. I would never do that, it just seems all kinds of wrong to me! What I meant was, do I have to be a non-drinker/in recovery/working on my own sobriety (however you want to put it) to be part of the group? Can I attend meetings & still have a glass of wine at Christmas dinner? Or is that seen as hypocritical behavior? Does that make sense?

I'm still learning & feeling my way through this, it's been a very confusing and mentally exhausting few years!

Pelican

Oh thank you for clarifying.

Abstinence is not a requirement for Alanon membership.

There are a lot of normies (people who process alcohol normally as opposed to alcoholically) at Alanon.

Try about 6 meetings, and different groups if available, to find out if Alanon is what you are looking for. As you get comfortable with your group, you may want to find a sponsor. A sponsor is someone whose values and opinions you respect, and someone with more experience in recovery than yourself. A sponsor is someone who helps you on a one-on-one basis with working the twelve steps of recovery. They are also available for go to advise.

You will likely get a call list of members at your local Alanon meeting. You can always pick up the phone and call anyone on that list when you need someone to talk with and listen to your concerns.

Giving up alcohol completely is a personal decision.

I hope you understand that none of your actions/inactions are the cause of your husbands drinking. He is blame-shifting and manipulating and denying when he tells you otherwise.

These are the 3 c's of addiction:

You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it

The addiction belongs to the addict.

Learn2Live

No.

Yes.

From the perspective of the other people at the meeting, no.

From the perspective of the alcoholic, yes. But one has nothing to do with the other; only in the alcoholic's mind are they related. Though, if you are in fact an alcoholic, that's a different story.

Yes, that is how it works. That is part of the Denial. The alcoholic NEEDS to point fingers, to blame, to find fault with OTHERS in order to continue their bad behavior. Yes, guilt is one of the mechanisms by which the alcoholic keeps you mired in THEIR disease. One of the first things I had to learn to do was Detach emotionally from the alcoholic. Al-Anon will help teach you how to do this. Although I understand your fear related to Al-Anon and being judged, that is the opposite of my experience in Al-Anon. There you will find Acceptance and shared understanding. People do not speak directly to someone about what they share in the meetings, so that helps allow folks to share freely without fear of judgment.

You shouldn't, you shouldn't have to, and you don't need to. If you take HIS THINKING out of the equation, the answers are very clear. I've found great success in my own Recovery by simply STOPPING talking about it to HIM, and stopping considering what HE thinks, feels, needs, and wants. It's much easier than folks think it is.

IMO, based on what I've read, is that you are giving into his manipulations and acting as his scapegoat (taking the blame).

IMO, not stopping drinking just because he is an alcoholic is your choice about how you want to live YOUR life. I personally would never drink alcohol in front of an alcoholic because I personally feel it is rude. But to stop drinking just because someone else uses my own drinking to justify HIS behavior needs a closer look. Just make sure you are not in fact an alcoholic yourself. It's a rather deceptive disease.

MaybeCalifornia

Thank you for your response, Learn2Live, I really appreciate the feedback.

I've been thinking about this a lot today, probably a little too much. I'm trying to honestly examine my own motivations- I don't feel like I should have to quit "for him" or because of him, but I also don't want to hold onto it simply for spite or to be willful or defiant. Some of his justifications are of the "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want" variety. That's true, of course, but it seems like a very limited way to look at life & make choices, and I don't want to take on that kind of thinking.

Anyway, I'm heading out to my 1st meeting in about a half-hour. I'm still nervous as heck, but I'm desperate for change & really hope this will be the first step in that direction.

MaybeCalifornia

Just wanted to update quickly that I did attend my 1st meeting yesterday evening. I was really anxious, but everyone was very kind and welcoming. I didn't really share much, just sat quietly & listened, but just being in the company of others who "get it" was comforting. The one thing I really took from the meeting was- I don't have to make any major decisions or life changes right now. In fact, I should probably step back a little and take some time to work on myself & my own thinking first. I'm still processing it all, but I do feel the tiniest spark of...hope, maybe?

Another major component of the story that I didn't mention before is that my husband & I have a 14-year-old daughter. She also attended her 1st Alateen meeting last night (Monday is the one night they have AA, Al-anon & Alateen meetings at the same time/location). She says she definitely wants to go back next week, so I think it was a positive experience for her.

Fingers crossed!

LifeRecovery

I am so glad you and your daughter had a good experience.

I just wanted to comment on your first post too. About a year ago after going to Al-anon for about six months I brought up the use of alcohol for Al-anon members. The variety of answers I got in the group helped to solidify for me just what a variety of people we are, but how open minded we are too. It was a wonderful discussion (especially after I had made a fool out of myself in the grocery store with a type of alcohol for cooking and I got out of line after I realized there was an Al-anon member in front of me). I made myself nuts and had to call myself on it later.

Welcome and I am glad you are here....though sorry for the reason you find yourself here.