Its time!-Day 1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 12
Its time!-Day 1
Wow has this been a long time coming just to get to this point. What a long and humbling process that took YEARS just to get to be able to start this battle. I have wanted this for awhile, but today I finally figured it out, that being what alcohol truly does to me.
I have been drinking for 19 years. Sometimes semi controlled, and mostly hard binging. I have never been the type to drink every day or even have the desire to. In fact, most of the time I dont feel like it. This is what the scary part is, because no matter what, the demon gets me. I have done some real unspeakable things, but was too stubborn to quit because some of the times I was able to control it.
So this is what it is to me. It is a little seed that the demon plants every time I drink. This demon creates self doubt, which is present on the times I drink under control. Then, it always happens.....I have a horrible event, which makes me doubt myself more. The process repeats itself.
I have been arrested multple times, hit a wall on the Interstate after passing out, had horrible blackout after blackout. The crazy thing, is I have NO accidental kids, no STD's, no DUI's, no record. Its astounding, kind of like I have an angel by my side. It has also let me go this far, and I am in "control" enough of the time to manipulate others into thinking I am in control. But despite dodging many bullets, my emotional pain is worse than any other consequence. I have seen others I know pass me by, and it sucks. Its like all my buddies I did all this stuff with have grown up, and I couldn't get off the train. I let those demons plant the seed. Well, im not letting it happen anymore. I now realize I have nothing to lose. Only to gain. I have been here before, but for some reason I feel different this time. I still have the opportunity to make a great life for myself, but the time is now. If I dont do it now I will have great regret. I dont want this.
If it is ok I would like to post as to my progress. I also am exploring other options to get help like AA, SMART, and seeing my doctor. Does anyone have any more advice for me? Im humble, and know I need help and am ready to take it....
Thanks!
I have been drinking for 19 years. Sometimes semi controlled, and mostly hard binging. I have never been the type to drink every day or even have the desire to. In fact, most of the time I dont feel like it. This is what the scary part is, because no matter what, the demon gets me. I have done some real unspeakable things, but was too stubborn to quit because some of the times I was able to control it.
So this is what it is to me. It is a little seed that the demon plants every time I drink. This demon creates self doubt, which is present on the times I drink under control. Then, it always happens.....I have a horrible event, which makes me doubt myself more. The process repeats itself.
I have been arrested multple times, hit a wall on the Interstate after passing out, had horrible blackout after blackout. The crazy thing, is I have NO accidental kids, no STD's, no DUI's, no record. Its astounding, kind of like I have an angel by my side. It has also let me go this far, and I am in "control" enough of the time to manipulate others into thinking I am in control. But despite dodging many bullets, my emotional pain is worse than any other consequence. I have seen others I know pass me by, and it sucks. Its like all my buddies I did all this stuff with have grown up, and I couldn't get off the train. I let those demons plant the seed. Well, im not letting it happen anymore. I now realize I have nothing to lose. Only to gain. I have been here before, but for some reason I feel different this time. I still have the opportunity to make a great life for myself, but the time is now. If I dont do it now I will have great regret. I dont want this.
If it is ok I would like to post as to my progress. I also am exploring other options to get help like AA, SMART, and seeing my doctor. Does anyone have any more advice for me? Im humble, and know I need help and am ready to take it....
Thanks!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,320
Welcome to SR JoeJoe 
I think you could do a lot worse than to read around here and post as much as you like. It's a good start - you'll find a lot of support and a few ideas too
Glad to have you with us
D
I think you could do a lot worse than to read around here and post as much as you like. It's a good start - you'll find a lot of support and a few ideas too
Glad to have you with us
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 12
Day 2- These days present interesting challenges to me. I have no desire to drink and know for sure I wont today or the next couple days. These are the days I frantically get back on track and take care of crucial things I should have done on Thurs-Sun. This is the pattern. When it will get harder is the end of the week. This is what I talk about when I refer to the demon. I have so desire today. But I end up casually going later in the week. Sometimes a week or two off, but the demon gets me. But days like this are no fun. I have to completely smash through and dominate life in a jittery unhappy state because I know in my heart that only a couple days ago I was a total mess. On the other hand, my motivation is high. Looking into some types of meeting tonight. Although my health is ok, I am going to get a referral from my doctor to go see someone. Also, gonna check out an AA and SMART meeting this week.
The one thing I am positive about is that I still have the discipline to keep my job, and like I said smash through the day. But, I can only imagine if I could use this strength to get ahead instead just getting by.
The one thing I am positive about is that I still have the discipline to keep my job, and like I said smash through the day. But, I can only imagine if I could use this strength to get ahead instead just getting by.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 155
Joe,
I am in the same position as you. I have been a binge drinker and only one time a weekend or every other. I will be hungover for days and the emotional pain of blacking out lingers for a week or more. I just joined the site after reading for many hours. Like you, my biggest concern isn't today or the next few days, it is after that, weekends, holidays, Christmas, Events, being with groups who are drinking.
My plan is to continue visiting the site daily to build a foundation for dealing with situations that I will be likely to drink. I have tried the moderation thing for a few years and it hasn't worked. I just have to stop and I don't care what others think. I wish you the best!
I am in the same position as you. I have been a binge drinker and only one time a weekend or every other. I will be hungover for days and the emotional pain of blacking out lingers for a week or more. I just joined the site after reading for many hours. Like you, my biggest concern isn't today or the next few days, it is after that, weekends, holidays, Christmas, Events, being with groups who are drinking.
My plan is to continue visiting the site daily to build a foundation for dealing with situations that I will be likely to drink. I have tried the moderation thing for a few years and it hasn't worked. I just have to stop and I don't care what others think. I wish you the best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 12
Thanks all! Yeah Mainza its tough cuz it really sneaks up on me. These days are easy for me because I remember the pain of the binge. But, the difference is I think I really need to use these "OFF" days to improve myself as a person and accomplish things that make me feel good about myself. I also need to use these days to gain better insight as to my addiction....
Also, I used to be an elite level physical being, now I am sleep apnea riddled and like 50 pounds overweight. The good thing is that I still am strong muscled so the getting back shape back is very possible. Does anyone have any suggestions about this? I will go on a workout binge, is this positive or still another example of not being balanced? The things that made me a good athlete made me a horrible drunk. For a long time now I have been too paralyzed to do what I value most, and that is being an active being. It seems absolutely insane to not do what I love, but the demon makes me doubt myself to the fullest and keep my fat ass from pounding the pavement or the iron.
Also, I used to be an elite level physical being, now I am sleep apnea riddled and like 50 pounds overweight. The good thing is that I still am strong muscled so the getting back shape back is very possible. Does anyone have any suggestions about this? I will go on a workout binge, is this positive or still another example of not being balanced? The things that made me a good athlete made me a horrible drunk. For a long time now I have been too paralyzed to do what I value most, and that is being an active being. It seems absolutely insane to not do what I love, but the demon makes me doubt myself to the fullest and keep my fat ass from pounding the pavement or the iron.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 79
Welcome to SR JoeJoe , it seems like you have had a moment of clarity , that is wonderful . This Beast is extremely cunning and loves to make us doubt if we even have a problem with alcohol even though all the misery and chaos that comes to our lives from drinking . It is completely irrational to even ask that question considering all the crap we have been through , it is insane and the Big Book does say that , that we as Alcoholics are in fact insane , our perception is completely warped . Congratulations my friend and good luck , I know you can do it !!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 176
Originally Posted by JoeJoeCA 
Wow has this been a long time coming just to get to this point. What a long and humbling process that took YEARS just to get to be able to start this battle. I have wanted this for awhile, but today I finally figured it out, that being what alcohol truly does to me.
I have been drinking for 19 years. Sometimes semi controlled, and mostly hard binging. I have never been the type to drink every day or even have the desire to. In fact, most of the time I dont feel like it. This is what the scary part is, because no matter what, the demon gets me. I have done some real unspeakable things, but was too stubborn to quit because some of the times I was able to control it.
So this is what it is to me. It is a little seed that the demon plants every time I drink. This demon creates self doubt, which is present on the times I drink under control. Then, it always happens.....I have a horrible event, which makes me doubt myself more. The process repeats itself.
I have been arrested multple times, hit a wall on the Interstate after passing out, had horrible blackout after blackout. The crazy thing, is I have NO accidental kids, no STD's, no DUI's, no record. Its astounding, kind of like I have an angel by my side. It has also let me go this far, and I am in "control" enough of the time to manipulate others into thinking I am in control. But despite dodging many bullets, my emotional pain is worse than any other consequence. I have seen others I know pass me by, and it sucks. Its like all my buddies I did all this stuff with have grown up, and I couldn't get off the train. I let those demons plant the seed. Well, im not letting it happen anymore. I now realize I have nothing to lose. Only to gain. I have been here before, but for some reason I feel different this time. I still have the opportunity to make a great life for myself, but the time is now. If I dont do it now I will have great regret. I dont want this.
If it is ok I would like to post as to my progress. I also am exploring other options to get help like AA, SMART, and seeing my doctor. Does anyone have any more advice for me? Im humble, and know I need help and am ready to take it....
Thanks!
I have been drinking for 19 years. Sometimes semi controlled, and mostly hard binging. I have never been the type to drink every day or even have the desire to. In fact, most of the time I dont feel like it. This is what the scary part is, because no matter what, the demon gets me. I have done some real unspeakable things, but was too stubborn to quit because some of the times I was able to control it.
So this is what it is to me. It is a little seed that the demon plants every time I drink. This demon creates self doubt, which is present on the times I drink under control. Then, it always happens.....I have a horrible event, which makes me doubt myself more. The process repeats itself.
I have been arrested multple times, hit a wall on the Interstate after passing out, had horrible blackout after blackout. The crazy thing, is I have NO accidental kids, no STD's, no DUI's, no record. Its astounding, kind of like I have an angel by my side. It has also let me go this far, and I am in "control" enough of the time to manipulate others into thinking I am in control. But despite dodging many bullets, my emotional pain is worse than any other consequence. I have seen others I know pass me by, and it sucks. Its like all my buddies I did all this stuff with have grown up, and I couldn't get off the train. I let those demons plant the seed. Well, im not letting it happen anymore. I now realize I have nothing to lose. Only to gain. I have been here before, but for some reason I feel different this time. I still have the opportunity to make a great life for myself, but the time is now. If I dont do it now I will have great regret. I dont want this.
If it is ok I would like to post as to my progress. I also am exploring other options to get help like AA, SMART, and seeing my doctor. Does anyone have any more advice for me? Im humble, and know I need help and am ready to take it....
Thanks!
I have had to make myself do things when I didn't want to, hang out with friends when I just wanted to stay in and do nothing, and even stay the night with my parents a few times... I did those things because I wanted to stay sober, and I needed help to get through the times when I knew I would drink.
It does get easier over time though, I'm starting to see that.
Good luck, stay strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 12
To me the biggest high is a sober Sunday morning... looking forward to those.
I usually warm up on Thurs night with a 6er. Then none or a little on Friday. And Saturday im out of control. I mean out of control. I do know if I didnt have major responsibilities in my life I would be drinking on more nights. But my depression and horrible state after makes me not do it on Sun-Wed EVER. Its just another way I have eluded the real problem though. I also know that if I keep up this way I will lose my job and everything else I have, which will send me to the lowest depths I could imagine. I am not going there. No way.
I usually warm up on Thurs night with a 6er. Then none or a little on Friday. And Saturday im out of control. I mean out of control. I do know if I didnt have major responsibilities in my life I would be drinking on more nights. But my depression and horrible state after makes me not do it on Sun-Wed EVER. Its just another way I have eluded the real problem though. I also know that if I keep up this way I will lose my job and everything else I have, which will send me to the lowest depths I could imagine. I am not going there. No way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 111
I too drank for a long time without any consequences. Well, you know, any REAL consequences, like serious health problems, DUIs, car crashes, etc.
Some people, or "bad alcoholics" as I like to call them (maybe severe alcoholics would be a better word, but still), sort of topple and hit bottom soon after they start drinking.
In a way, I almost feel like they have it easier than people like you and me, because they realize quickly that they just can't handle drinking.
It was a much harder battle for me, because for years and years, I could always "handle" it. Sure I missed out on a lot, and spent much of my free time "patching up" little problems that alcohol caused, or money buying my way out of minor problems I got myself into. But it never completely toppled my life.
I feel like people like us are the toughest to get in here. It took a LOT of work by my loved ones (but thankfully not from a judge), but they dragged me into here and counseling. Kicking and screaming of course, emphasis on dragged. I've since stopped that. I belong here. Hope you feel the same way.
Some people, or "bad alcoholics" as I like to call them (maybe severe alcoholics would be a better word, but still), sort of topple and hit bottom soon after they start drinking.
In a way, I almost feel like they have it easier than people like you and me, because they realize quickly that they just can't handle drinking.
It was a much harder battle for me, because for years and years, I could always "handle" it. Sure I missed out on a lot, and spent much of my free time "patching up" little problems that alcohol caused, or money buying my way out of minor problems I got myself into. But it never completely toppled my life.
I feel like people like us are the toughest to get in here. It took a LOT of work by my loved ones (but thankfully not from a judge), but they dragged me into here and counseling. Kicking and screaming of course, emphasis on dragged. I've since stopped that. I belong here. Hope you feel the same way.
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