Me00

Feeling better than my last post! Thanks everyone again.
Ahbf is in detox and soon to be finished. He's decided he needs/wants to go for a longer inpatient recovery.

Unfortunately he may not get into a center for up to 2 weeks. He says hes willing to go in over Xmas if need be. He loves Xmas so for him to be willing to go over the holidays definitely means something. Assuming he does what he says.

Prior to leaving, I basically said get out or get help and that we would have to discuss him moving back into my home later. He was able to not drink for 5 days prior to getting into detox. There are no children to worry about, there is no physical abuse, verbal abuse (when hes drinking), we've been together for <1yr. His family has either cut him off or continues to enable him. He said to me (i didn't bring it up ) that he doesn't want to be around the enablers yet. It truly seems he believes he has a problem and wants/is willing to fix it.
By letting him stay with me prior to his switch from detox to treatment am i enabling/smothering/hindering him?

Boundaries such as no drinking, no lying, helping out around the house, communication, going to AA/addictions counseling, going to treatment once a bed is available and still being expected to pay bills will be told to him if i decide to let him back in. Also I want his expectations/boundaries for me. This will be said before we decide if hes coming back as i don't want any of this to be a surprise for us. It wont be a free ride and I don't have any worries about enforcing my boundaries for him. (i'll have to wait and see about the boundaries ive made for myself.-not going through his stuff looking for bottles)

My decision on letting him back or not is not based on guilt or a 'I have to' as I know he wont freeze to death, there are places for him to go if HE wants to (YMCA/Shelters). Not 5 Star, but its warm. He has my support no matter where he is. I know that he is very (whats the word?) vulnerable right now. His life is (hopefully) changing in very big ways that are challenging the core, of well, how he knows himself and life. I know this is not an over night, over weeks or even months fix. Ive thought alot about this and I do love him. I'm willing to stay and work things out.
I want to help but not hinder. I don't think this will be hindering or smothering but i need someone outside the box that can help me see everything. Be blunt and straightforward sometimes i need a dbl dose of reality.

quitforme79

Hi me00. You sound like someone who is well versed on this subject and knows the appropriate boundaries for the A in your life. As you know, boundaries such as the ones you have or will established will benefit him by not enabling him and benefit you by helping you keep your sanity. In my opinion, it sounds like you are doing great and doing everything right and he is showing you he's serious about sobriety. If my ex was doing all that, I would be supportive but not enabling just as you are. You sound strong enough to stick to your limits should he slip or return to his old ways. Kudos to you and let me know how things go

dollydo

If it were me, I'd let him go to the Salvation Army or another shelter. He must understand that for every bad action there is a bad reaction. This is his problem to resolve, not yours.

I say "Hands Off The Addict", allow him the dignity to find his own way through the maze called life.

Me00

These are the 2 exact arguments in my head.
HE got himself into this, HE can get himself out. (Read on a forum somewhere here I recite it daily, hourly, as needed)
He is showing progress (I believe I am as well). Are the boundaries and progress enough to keep us both in check and supportive of each other in a healthy way?
Anyone have experience in what they did and if it worked. Or another angle to look at this from I'm not seeing.
I know it is ultimately my choice and I need to keep my safety and sanity first.

Learn2Live

I have used those kinds of rules in relationships with alcoholics & addicts before and for me personally, they never "worked." But it was good practice setting and communicating my boundaries, which I am now good doing in the rest of my life.

Living with an alcoholic or addict does not work for me. And I have lived with quite a few in my years. It is a very unpeaceful way to live, never any serenity, or not enough to sustain me long term. I like having my own space to myself, which allows me a healthy distance from the insanity those folks call life. I don't live my life that way and having an alcoholic or addict in my space is horrible, spastic, dramatic, sick, panicking, controlling, BLECH. No thank you.