Cjsonnier

I searched for online support and found this site. I am a sister of an alcoholic. My brother is 50 and is now living in a salvation army shelter. He has been an alcoholic for at least 25 years. He Has been to treatment at least 6 or 7 times, lived in at least 3 halfway houses and still doesn't learn. We have helped him each time but I can't do this anymore. This is the first time he has been homeless and I am sick about it. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I feel guilty for having a nice home and he doesn't have lunch money. I can't stop thinking about this and I don't know what to do. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I am sorry about your brother's addiction, but glad you found us. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

Have you tried attending local Al-anon meetings for face to face support? They helped me with learning to cope with a loved ones addiction. I found myself worried sick over what the future held, and I found myself consumed with trying to fix the situation.

In the end, I was a hot mess and starting to suffer mentally as well as physically. I needed to focus on my needs and let the addicted adult take care of their own needs.

I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones addiction:

I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it

I had to let go and let HP (higher power) take control.

I don't think you should feel guilt over your adult brother's unhealthy choices. He chooses to drink. The consequences of his choices belong to him. Sometimes it takes losing everything to finally reach bottom and begin to climb up out of the addiction.

Stick around and read some of the sticky (older permanent) posts at the top. Some of our stories are there and tons of wisdom. Keep reading and posting as needed.

We understand

amy55

Hi

I'm a RA. I think what you are doing now is the best. Yes, of course, you have a nice home and all of that. But he could have that also, if he chooses to. Don't offer him a room, let him hit bottom. Don't enable him.

Treatment didn't work, because he didn't want it to work. He needs to dig himself out.

dollydo

Have you read Codependent No More? You are an enabler and codependent, this book is a good starting point. Also Alanon meetings would help the entire family.

Your brother is a middle aged man who has decided to drink his life away. This is his choice, you have no control over his alcoholism.

Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to come around, at this point in his life, he probably won't. Accept it, there is nothing you can do to change him,go forward with your life.

jOSE2

Hi Cjsonnier- If I may ask, did you look after your brother before his drinking started-I mean as a child,/when you were children.,as some habits die hard,

Some people just take different paths in life- taking little steps to stop enmeshing yourself takes time,and not to feel responsible for his life choices.

All best wishes ,just a step at a time

quitforme79

My brother was in the same situation but made it clear he wasn't about to stop drinking. My father finally stopped enabling him and paying his rent. He became homeless, moved to a different state and got clean. Everyone is different and not all need to hit rock bottom but all addicts are the only ones who can make the decision to stop. Therefore, removing yourself and "loving him from a distance" will save you from going crazy.

Seren

Hi CJ, Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry to hear about your brother, but as you have already experienced, there is nothing you can do to help him if he refuses to embrace recovery.

Since he has been in several programs already, he has the tools, he knows what to do. Sadly, he is just choosing not to use those tools.

I hope you will come to realize that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your brother's own actions have left him where he is now.

Welcome, again! Make yourself comfortable and learn all you can. We're open 24/7.

Cjsonnier

Thank you all for the welcome and for taking the time to answer me. My dad was the enabler but he died 10 years ago with cancer. Mom finally had enough and told him she wasn't letting him live with her anymore. He checked into another treatment center ( he does this when he is in trouble). He got out, lived in a halfway house and was able to rent a small apartment. This was the best he had ever done. He got a good job and then he started calling in sick, got still another DUI and got evicted. He called mom and said he wanted to go back into treatment or another halfway house. He stayed there a year and couldn't afford to live on his own. He worked at Wal Mart and his wages are garnished for child support and all his fines. Now he is in a shelter and can't fill out a lot of applications because they are online and he has never worked with computers. He is not mean or abusive and never has been. He is a loner but would give the shirt off his back for anyone. He really is kind hearted and sweet. He just has no sense of responsibility. I can't stand the thought of him being cold or hungry and homeless.

Learn2Live

Heck yes, I've been in this situation and I know exactly how you feel. I have two brothers who are this way, though one is now in recovery and last I checked he was doing OK. The other brother, though, is dually diagnosed with a serious mental illness and spent most of this year homeless, living in a tent. He's so ill he cannot stay even at a homeless shelter. So, from my perspective, Salvation Army sounds quite nice!

You need to lose the guilt. I know how you feel, exactly, but guilt is a horrible thing that does NOTHING to help the situation and only serves to keep you mired in HIS disease. You've gotta break free from it or it'll eat you up. I recommend doing some reading, try the stickies at the top of this page, and attend Al-Anon. Keep posting here too, there are a few folks who frequent this site with alcoholic siblings.

One last thing, which helps me immensely, is to take a broader look around you. A large percentage of the world's population, including many small children, have NOTHING. No clothing, no shoes, no house, no family, and no food. They cannot get food because there is none. Here in the US we have grocery stores and food stamps, housing assistance, food kitchens, shelters, etc. You may think your brother has it BAD, but relatively speaking, he does not. All he has to do is trespass or steal a pack of gum and he's just a ten-minute ride away from three hots & a cot.

Don't feel sorry for him, that will not help and in fact will hurt him. Let him feel where he's gotten himself to.