My Mom is Secretly Drinking
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 1
My Mom is Secretly Drinking
I am 25 years old and have always been very close with my mom. She was and still is a best friend to me my whole life. My mom has always seen me the same way. She has never once been rude or cruel to me; in fact, she is too nice to everyone and not nice enough to herself. But she has recently had problems with alcohol, and she is hiding it from me.
My mom's dad was a horrible, mean alcoholic throughout his entire marriage to my grandma. As a child, my mom was verbally abused by her father, and she has always had issues with low self-esteem, which she believes stems from her dad. Her parents divorced when my mom was in college due to his drinking. He died a few years ago of alcoholism. My mom swore she would never be like that, and she did not touch a drop of alcohol from when I was born through the years I was in high school. She belonged to Al-Anon and taught me that drinking can turn very bad very quickly, and that alcoholism runs in our family. As a result, I did not drink until my sophomore year of college, when I had a few crazy party nights but have never really gotten into drinking. I still rarely drink, and I actually drink less and less now because I am so worried about the effect of alcohol on my family.
My mom started drinking socially when she got remarried to my stepdad when I was a senior in high school. He is awesome -- a very caring, loving person. He puts my mom, my brother, and me #1 in his life. He knew about my mom's father, and he constantly talked about alcoholism being in our family. But he didn't see it as a problem when they began to drink socially at dinner. He did, however, start to notice when my mom ordered multiple glasses of wine from restaurants.
He approached her about it, and when I was in grad school a couple years ago, the two of them sat down with my brother and me and told us that Mom was starting to develop a problem with drinking. She drank too much when she started. She was very determined to stop the problem. She attended AA, got a sponsor, celebrated each month sober, went to therapy, etc. Then about a year later we found out she was drinking again. She denied any problem. My family (on her side) is HUGE into denial, by the way. She went on Antabuse but then was medically advised to go off it.
Since then, it has become something we don't talk about. I don't know if my stepdad has any suspicions or not. For the past few months, it seems like my mom has been sober. She is calm (not overly emotional) when I talk to her on the phone or in person. She does not always seem happy, but she seems "normal." But lately she has been more emotional, and I noticed her going into the basement with her cup of coffee or hot chocolate or pop and coming back up for no real reason. Then, when she is done with her drink, she immediately eats a breathmint, which she stores all over the house. She takes her drinks everywhere with her and protects them if someone comes near her. She said she is drinking hot chocolate more because she is trying to quit pop. I am pretty sure she has alcohol hidden in the basement, but I don't even want to look.
I don't know if I should talk to my mom or not. I know she will only quit if SHE is ready. I know I am not to blame. I know about the 3 C's -- I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. But my mom is struggling, and it is very hard to watch without doing anything. It makes me uncomfortable to be chit-chatting with her in the kitchen when she comes up from the basement. It makes me sick to my stomach to not say anything and to be standing there with her. She asks if anything is wrong, and I tell her I have an upset stomach. I have always been a person to speak my mind instantly, so I feel as though I am holding in my thoughts. I don't think my mom liked AA -- she felt like it made her concentrate MORE on alcohol instead of moving away from it.
If anyone has any advice, I would gladly appreciate it. I keep finding things out about moms who are so horrible when they drink, but mine is not abusive or cruel -- she is keeping it a secret because she doesn't want to burden anyone and she doesn't want us to know because she doesn't want to hear about it. But I love my mom more than anything and I want her to be okay.
Thank you in advance for listening and for your help. I feel somewhat better already after writing this.
My mom's dad was a horrible, mean alcoholic throughout his entire marriage to my grandma. As a child, my mom was verbally abused by her father, and she has always had issues with low self-esteem, which she believes stems from her dad. Her parents divorced when my mom was in college due to his drinking. He died a few years ago of alcoholism. My mom swore she would never be like that, and she did not touch a drop of alcohol from when I was born through the years I was in high school. She belonged to Al-Anon and taught me that drinking can turn very bad very quickly, and that alcoholism runs in our family. As a result, I did not drink until my sophomore year of college, when I had a few crazy party nights but have never really gotten into drinking. I still rarely drink, and I actually drink less and less now because I am so worried about the effect of alcohol on my family.
My mom started drinking socially when she got remarried to my stepdad when I was a senior in high school. He is awesome -- a very caring, loving person. He puts my mom, my brother, and me #1 in his life. He knew about my mom's father, and he constantly talked about alcoholism being in our family. But he didn't see it as a problem when they began to drink socially at dinner. He did, however, start to notice when my mom ordered multiple glasses of wine from restaurants.
He approached her about it, and when I was in grad school a couple years ago, the two of them sat down with my brother and me and told us that Mom was starting to develop a problem with drinking. She drank too much when she started. She was very determined to stop the problem. She attended AA, got a sponsor, celebrated each month sober, went to therapy, etc. Then about a year later we found out she was drinking again. She denied any problem. My family (on her side) is HUGE into denial, by the way. She went on Antabuse but then was medically advised to go off it.
Since then, it has become something we don't talk about. I don't know if my stepdad has any suspicions or not. For the past few months, it seems like my mom has been sober. She is calm (not overly emotional) when I talk to her on the phone or in person. She does not always seem happy, but she seems "normal." But lately she has been more emotional, and I noticed her going into the basement with her cup of coffee or hot chocolate or pop and coming back up for no real reason. Then, when she is done with her drink, she immediately eats a breathmint, which she stores all over the house. She takes her drinks everywhere with her and protects them if someone comes near her. She said she is drinking hot chocolate more because she is trying to quit pop. I am pretty sure she has alcohol hidden in the basement, but I don't even want to look.
I don't know if I should talk to my mom or not. I know she will only quit if SHE is ready. I know I am not to blame. I know about the 3 C's -- I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. But my mom is struggling, and it is very hard to watch without doing anything. It makes me uncomfortable to be chit-chatting with her in the kitchen when she comes up from the basement. It makes me sick to my stomach to not say anything and to be standing there with her. She asks if anything is wrong, and I tell her I have an upset stomach. I have always been a person to speak my mind instantly, so I feel as though I am holding in my thoughts. I don't think my mom liked AA -- she felt like it made her concentrate MORE on alcohol instead of moving away from it.
If anyone has any advice, I would gladly appreciate it. I keep finding things out about moms who are so horrible when they drink, but mine is not abusive or cruel -- she is keeping it a secret because she doesn't want to burden anyone and she doesn't want us to know because she doesn't want to hear about it. But I love my mom more than anything and I want her to be okay.
Thank you in advance for listening and for your help. I feel somewhat better already after writing this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Graycat))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what you've been through. I don't have personal experience with a parent drinking, but there are several here who do. It might be a little slow this weekend, due to Thanksgiving, but there are some pretty awesome people in this forum.
You might want to read through other threads here, and at the Family & Friends/alcoholics forum. You're not alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
You might want to read through other threads here, and at the Family & Friends/alcoholics forum. You're not alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Southeastern US
Posts: 174
Hi, Graycat, my mom was that way, always very sweet whether drinking or not. I don't want to go into details about how she was in her more severely drunken periods but when she was trying to cut back, she would secretly "maintenance" drink. It was somewhat similar to your mom. She had a flask in her nightstand, her gym bag, her purse, somewhere in the basement and probably other places but she thought she fooled everyone. My dad also was an alcoholic so no help there. My mom was also big on not being a burden to anyone. She tried Alanon (concerning my dad!) but didn't like it. The few times I tried to talk with her about it made no difference--she was in denial. It might be very hard to do this, but you could tell her that you know she's secretly drinking, that it's obvious. You could talk with your stepdad about it. Maybe he should be the one to talk with her. I don't know the dynamics of course. If she wants to quit, just going to this website can be enormously helpful. There are methods (or tools if you will) other than AA. She can go the AVRT route (there's a thread in the secular connections section here) with Trimpey's Rational Recovery book (google it), Allen Carr's "Easy Way to Stop Drinking," also there may be SMART recovery groups where you live. My mom finally truly cut way back and may have even stopped altogether because she got cancer and it made her too sick to drink very much (that was the only reason). We "kids" were so sad about the cancer but happy to have a mom at last--what complexity of emotions!! Eventually she succumbed to the cancer. My dad stopped drinking 2 weeks before he died of cancer only because he couldn't eat or drink anything at that point.
It's so hard -- I understand so much.
What's shocking is that I started drinking myself after a very long marriage ended, after the kids were grown and gone. I went through lots of difficulties and tragedies for several years before the divorce and a year after it, and took the advice of others to have a drink once in a while. The feeling of escape was compelling to put it mildly, and I was secretly drinking for 5 years. I stopped for a short period in that time but it didn't last long. And not ever to the degree of my parents; I still did my job OK and functioned pretty much as usual in other areas, but I started to realize I couldn't stop when I wanted to, it was starting to become daily and I was getting tolerant to a greater quantity of alcohol. I actually kept a chart of my drinking and was shocked at my own denial. I was determined to stop. This site and the AVRT approach has helped me greatly and I've been sober for a couple months. This is after failing a number of times, but I got right back up, very determined to beat it. I know I'm done with it now.
So again, from this vantage point, I understand, too. In the end, it's up to your mom. Which I know you know. My heart goes out to both of you and i hope she makes the right decision.
It's so hard -- I understand so much.
What's shocking is that I started drinking myself after a very long marriage ended, after the kids were grown and gone. I went through lots of difficulties and tragedies for several years before the divorce and a year after it, and took the advice of others to have a drink once in a while. The feeling of escape was compelling to put it mildly, and I was secretly drinking for 5 years. I stopped for a short period in that time but it didn't last long. And not ever to the degree of my parents; I still did my job OK and functioned pretty much as usual in other areas, but I started to realize I couldn't stop when I wanted to, it was starting to become daily and I was getting tolerant to a greater quantity of alcohol. I actually kept a chart of my drinking and was shocked at my own denial. I was determined to stop. This site and the AVRT approach has helped me greatly and I've been sober for a couple months. This is after failing a number of times, but I got right back up, very determined to beat it. I know I'm done with it now.
So again, from this vantage point, I understand, too. In the end, it's up to your mom. Which I know you know. My heart goes out to both of you and i hope she makes the right decision.
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