I am new and very sad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East Coast of Florida
Posts: 61
I am new and very sad
Hello, all
I found this site while seaching for my daughter's name. Had I read her posts here over a year ago, I wonder if she'd be where she is now, which is jail.
Growing up, she had moderate to severe hyperactivity. She had an extremely high IQ. She slept less than most kids. I always felt there was something not quite right. Even as a young child she had a lot of anger and acted out. She felt different than the other kids and often alienated them by her behavior which was not always appropriate. She had headaches. I took her around to neurologists, talked about her with my pediatrician, took her for psychiatric evaluation. She didn't fit any one diagnosis but I always felt there was something wrong, and I think she did too.
She was unusual looking (wish I could tell you her username so you could see her pic) and a little chunky in junior high school. She started to wear goth/punk style clothing which I didn't discourage. She wanted to be different/extreme/hardcore. She was always an "A" student and in a fulltime gifted program. In high school she was in the band and orchestra, and seemed to be happy with a peer group at last. I heard rumors about drug use, but I asked her and she denied it and I never saw anything I considered extremely unusual for a teenager. I thought maybe she drank a beer here and there, smoked cigarettes or a joint or two.
I went through a divorce her senior year of high school. She lived with me, along with her younger sister. We were often at odds about her messiness, and her piercings and her tattoo.........and though she always pushed the boundaries, it wasn't until after she graduated that she just defied them. To make a long story short, I told her that if she couldn't adhere to the few rules I had, she'd have to find another place to live. I suspected then that she was using, but she denied and I found no proof. She moved out and spent the next year or two living with friends.
She had a job or two, but ended up not working. Her punk/goth appearance didn't help. Finally, the house she was living in was foreclosed upon and she moved in with my exhusband. Her boyfriend moved in too. My ex pretty much left them to themselves. He paid the bills and they didn't work. My daughter stopped speaking to me when she left, telling everyone I threw her out, which was not true. We were estranged for several years despite my constant efforts to stay in touch. Unfortunately, my ex husband didn't help that situation. He told her things that weren't true like I cashed out her bank account to pay for the divorce, etc.
It wasn't until she ended up in the hospital with pneumonia almost a year ago that we started talking again. She wouldn't see me in the hospital although I was there every day. I wrote her a letter telling her that I hadn't done the things her father had accused me of. One day a few weeks later, she called me. She was slurring her words and shrieking at me to give her her f***g money from her account. This was the first contact I'd had from her in a couple of years. I didn't know what to do, but in the hopes of building trust and restoring a relationship, I did meet with her and give her access to her bank account. She was over 21, and I figured it was hers. We met at a sports bar and I was shocked by her appearance. She was barefoot and looked high. She denied it. Our 'relationship' lasted until the money ran out of her account. If refused to give it to her all at once, but she ended up emptying it within a month. We saw each other a few times and her behavior was erratic. One day she showed up at my job, banging on the door and insisting that I come out so speak to her about some imagined slight I had done her. I knew she was using but didn't know what to do.
Her father never believed that she was using and I guess I let him talk me into believing it also to a degree. She was living with him and I figured he'd know. Boy, was I wrong. He found out shortly thereafter that she and her boyfriend were stealing from him, and had opened several credit cards in his name. The went through about 20K in a couple of months. He pressed charges and they were both arrested on grand theft and credit card fraud charges. When I went to his house to help him clean her room, I was in total shock. There were used syringes everywhere. I found Fentanyl and blues and percocet and suboxone. She'd been shooting up blues. I discovered pawn tickets and mail stolen from my ex and jewelry I knew wasn't hers. I found jars of DMT and the things to make it with. There were tons of hair products, clothing, and makeup. They'd been shoplifting, stealing, pawning things. And she apparently has has a hard core opiate addiction for a long time. She stated on her posts here that she's been using since she was 14.
She started calling me from jail. I told her I knew everything and she confessed to it all. She said she needed help and was willing to get it. I posted bond for her and she came to live with me. I asked the bondsman to put some limitations on her bond such as a curfew and not using and not stealing and she of course agreed to them. Boy, was I naive. She third day she was home, she broke her curfew by hours. She apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. She agreed to see an intake counselor with a local drug treatment center and I paid for the consultation. I found out a couple of days later that that night, she pawned a couple of hundred dollars worth of my jewelry. I had to buy it back. I had expected her to be kissing my feet, full of remorse, and wanting to turn over a new leaf (I know, I know, sooo naive) but instead all she was doing was using. She knew there would be more charges and she'd be going back to jail. I didn't know this at the time. This past Wednesday, she was arrested on more charges and her bond is now $50K. Yesterday I was weeding by the front door and found a cigarette pack with two needles in it and a burnt spoon. She tossed it there when the cops showed up. She is asking me for commissary in mail and to speak to someone about a bond reduction. I told her when she broke the limitations of her bond that I wouldn't be giving her another dime of my money. She says she's depressed and suicidal but won't tell anyone because she doesn't want to end up in "the bubble" wearing restraints in the medical ward.
I don't know what to do to help her. I am the only person she has at this point, but all I've done is allow myself to be used and to enable her to continue. I feel hopeless and helpless, angry and guilty that I didn't get her help sooner when I saw the red flags. Her legal problems are daunting and she owes the hospital thousands from her stay when she had pneumonia. There may be more charges yet coming. She's safe and not using in jail, hopefully, and I suspect she'll be there for a while.
She says she wants to stop but needs psychiatric help for the underlying issues. Where do I go from here? Sorry this is so long........
I found this site while seaching for my daughter's name. Had I read her posts here over a year ago, I wonder if she'd be where she is now, which is jail.
Growing up, she had moderate to severe hyperactivity. She had an extremely high IQ. She slept less than most kids. I always felt there was something not quite right. Even as a young child she had a lot of anger and acted out. She felt different than the other kids and often alienated them by her behavior which was not always appropriate. She had headaches. I took her around to neurologists, talked about her with my pediatrician, took her for psychiatric evaluation. She didn't fit any one diagnosis but I always felt there was something wrong, and I think she did too.
She was unusual looking (wish I could tell you her username so you could see her pic) and a little chunky in junior high school. She started to wear goth/punk style clothing which I didn't discourage. She wanted to be different/extreme/hardcore. She was always an "A" student and in a fulltime gifted program. In high school she was in the band and orchestra, and seemed to be happy with a peer group at last. I heard rumors about drug use, but I asked her and she denied it and I never saw anything I considered extremely unusual for a teenager. I thought maybe she drank a beer here and there, smoked cigarettes or a joint or two.
I went through a divorce her senior year of high school. She lived with me, along with her younger sister. We were often at odds about her messiness, and her piercings and her tattoo.........and though she always pushed the boundaries, it wasn't until after she graduated that she just defied them. To make a long story short, I told her that if she couldn't adhere to the few rules I had, she'd have to find another place to live. I suspected then that she was using, but she denied and I found no proof. She moved out and spent the next year or two living with friends.
She had a job or two, but ended up not working. Her punk/goth appearance didn't help. Finally, the house she was living in was foreclosed upon and she moved in with my exhusband. Her boyfriend moved in too. My ex pretty much left them to themselves. He paid the bills and they didn't work. My daughter stopped speaking to me when she left, telling everyone I threw her out, which was not true. We were estranged for several years despite my constant efforts to stay in touch. Unfortunately, my ex husband didn't help that situation. He told her things that weren't true like I cashed out her bank account to pay for the divorce, etc.
It wasn't until she ended up in the hospital with pneumonia almost a year ago that we started talking again. She wouldn't see me in the hospital although I was there every day. I wrote her a letter telling her that I hadn't done the things her father had accused me of. One day a few weeks later, she called me. She was slurring her words and shrieking at me to give her her f***g money from her account. This was the first contact I'd had from her in a couple of years. I didn't know what to do, but in the hopes of building trust and restoring a relationship, I did meet with her and give her access to her bank account. She was over 21, and I figured it was hers. We met at a sports bar and I was shocked by her appearance. She was barefoot and looked high. She denied it. Our 'relationship' lasted until the money ran out of her account. If refused to give it to her all at once, but she ended up emptying it within a month. We saw each other a few times and her behavior was erratic. One day she showed up at my job, banging on the door and insisting that I come out so speak to her about some imagined slight I had done her. I knew she was using but didn't know what to do.
Her father never believed that she was using and I guess I let him talk me into believing it also to a degree. She was living with him and I figured he'd know. Boy, was I wrong. He found out shortly thereafter that she and her boyfriend were stealing from him, and had opened several credit cards in his name. The went through about 20K in a couple of months. He pressed charges and they were both arrested on grand theft and credit card fraud charges. When I went to his house to help him clean her room, I was in total shock. There were used syringes everywhere. I found Fentanyl and blues and percocet and suboxone. She'd been shooting up blues. I discovered pawn tickets and mail stolen from my ex and jewelry I knew wasn't hers. I found jars of DMT and the things to make it with. There were tons of hair products, clothing, and makeup. They'd been shoplifting, stealing, pawning things. And she apparently has has a hard core opiate addiction for a long time. She stated on her posts here that she's been using since she was 14.
She started calling me from jail. I told her I knew everything and she confessed to it all. She said she needed help and was willing to get it. I posted bond for her and she came to live with me. I asked the bondsman to put some limitations on her bond such as a curfew and not using and not stealing and she of course agreed to them. Boy, was I naive. She third day she was home, she broke her curfew by hours. She apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. She agreed to see an intake counselor with a local drug treatment center and I paid for the consultation. I found out a couple of days later that that night, she pawned a couple of hundred dollars worth of my jewelry. I had to buy it back. I had expected her to be kissing my feet, full of remorse, and wanting to turn over a new leaf (I know, I know, sooo naive) but instead all she was doing was using. She knew there would be more charges and she'd be going back to jail. I didn't know this at the time. This past Wednesday, she was arrested on more charges and her bond is now $50K. Yesterday I was weeding by the front door and found a cigarette pack with two needles in it and a burnt spoon. She tossed it there when the cops showed up. She is asking me for commissary in mail and to speak to someone about a bond reduction. I told her when she broke the limitations of her bond that I wouldn't be giving her another dime of my money. She says she's depressed and suicidal but won't tell anyone because she doesn't want to end up in "the bubble" wearing restraints in the medical ward.
I don't know what to do to help her. I am the only person she has at this point, but all I've done is allow myself to be used and to enable her to continue. I feel hopeless and helpless, angry and guilty that I didn't get her help sooner when I saw the red flags. Her legal problems are daunting and she owes the hospital thousands from her stay when she had pneumonia. There may be more charges yet coming. She's safe and not using in jail, hopefully, and I suspect she'll be there for a while.
She says she wants to stop but needs psychiatric help for the underlying issues. Where do I go from here? Sorry this is so long........
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: in the tree tops
Posts: 209
******{hugs}}}} to you. I know the feeling of finding syringes in AD room, it is the worse feeling. Dont beat yourself up for not acting on red flags. Hindsight is 20/20 and it isn't going to serve you any purpose now.
First, I would let the jail know she was talking suicidal. Yeah, maybe she was saying that just so you would freak out and get her out, but you can never be sure that it isn't a true feeling.
Second, I would not put money in her commissary at this point and time, and I know that's hard, cuz when I joined this site earlier this month, thats one of the things I was on the fence about. I would wait several weeks, and see where her mind set is then.
I think the best thing for you to do right now is find some meetings to go to, definetly check out the stickies on this site as there is a lot of good info there. Consider the fact that you daughter for now is in a safe place where she won't be using, and use this time to recuperate yourself.
First, I would let the jail know she was talking suicidal. Yeah, maybe she was saying that just so you would freak out and get her out, but you can never be sure that it isn't a true feeling.
Second, I would not put money in her commissary at this point and time, and I know that's hard, cuz when I joined this site earlier this month, thats one of the things I was on the fence about. I would wait several weeks, and see where her mind set is then.
I think the best thing for you to do right now is find some meetings to go to, definetly check out the stickies on this site as there is a lot of good info there. Consider the fact that you daughter for now is in a safe place where she won't be using, and use this time to recuperate yourself.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
So sorry that you are going through this crepe.
What can you do? :codiepolice
Do her a favor, let her face the consequences of her bad decisions, let her fall to her knees, and perhaps she will seek recovery for life. The chances are slim, as less than 10% of all people that embrace recovery... recover for life....sad, but true...so, you must continue to live your life, step back and turn her over to the HP. She is already in the HP's hands...it is just a matter of you accepting that fact.
Read all the stickies and keep posting...we are here for you.
What can you do? :codiepolice
Do her a favor, let her face the consequences of her bad decisions, let her fall to her knees, and perhaps she will seek recovery for life. The chances are slim, as less than 10% of all people that embrace recovery... recover for life....sad, but true...so, you must continue to live your life, step back and turn her over to the HP. She is already in the HP's hands...it is just a matter of you accepting that fact.
Read all the stickies and keep posting...we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
welcome . . . so sorry for all you are going through. that feeling of finding all the evidence of drug use is so terrible. i remember feeling a pit in my stomach, and actually feeling like i might throw up.
to answer your last question as simply as possible, i would said from here you go to a naranon meeting! do not regret that you "didn't get her help sooner". no on can get an addict help except the addict herself. and many say family members trying to force treatment only drives some addicts further from help. the person you can get help for is YOU! being here is a great place to start. read the stickies and the old posts -- the are so helpful. order and read codependent no more, if you haven't already, and look for naranon meetings in your area (or alanon).
i agree with dolly completely - do not give your daughter any money in jail. jail is her consequence for her actions; her basic needs will be met there.
i hope you keep posting and find a lot of support here. i know i have, and it has been a lifesafer for me. hang in there . . .
to answer your last question as simply as possible, i would said from here you go to a naranon meeting! do not regret that you "didn't get her help sooner". no on can get an addict help except the addict herself. and many say family members trying to force treatment only drives some addicts further from help. the person you can get help for is YOU! being here is a great place to start. read the stickies and the old posts -- the are so helpful. order and read codependent no more, if you haven't already, and look for naranon meetings in your area (or alanon).
i agree with dolly completely - do not give your daughter any money in jail. jail is her consequence for her actions; her basic needs will be met there.
i hope you keep posting and find a lot of support here. i know i have, and it has been a lifesafer for me. hang in there . . .
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
Guess it's not a good idea to bring them home. You really tried. Know that. Hopefully she'll get a good psyche eval. and get on some meds to help. Though the meds do no good if drugs are poured on top. My heart goes out to you...I feel sad for these addicts...not angry....just deeply sad is all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Newimage 
I found this site while seaching for my daughter's name. Had I read her posts here over a year ago, I wonder if she'd be where she is now, which is jail.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.
Addiction demands she protect and sustain it. We mortal moms cannot compete with the power addiction holds over our adult children.
I nearly bankrupted myself, emotionally, financially and physically trying to fix my daughter and cure her of her heroin addiction and know all about spoons and needles, needles and spoons.
Give her the dignity of experiencing the consequences, cause it's the only thing that will remotely cause her to reconsider her path. Jail will provide her with everything she needs. No need to put money on her account. No need for bail. Let her sit with it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My son is an addict and your story could be mine, he got in trouble, made promises, I bailed and within hours he used again. He stole and pawned, I searched and bought back what I could fine...and it went on and on until I lost my sanity and couldn't go on anymore.
Meetings helped me, Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA have helped many of us find our balance again. Give them a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I am so sorry you are going through this, it's a long and hard road we walk, but we walk it together and that helps more than anything else, being with friends who truly understand.
Hugs
Meetings helped me, Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA have helped many of us find our balance again. Give them a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I am so sorry you are going through this, it's a long and hard road we walk, but we walk it together and that helps more than anything else, being with friends who truly understand.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Wanted you to know I read your post and am here. Not sure if I have any words of advice beyond keep reading, and know that you are not alone.
I went through similar things, but with my brother - not the same as going through it with your own child. These words comfort me "Whether or not you realize it, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." The more we step back and appreciate that,the better things get.
Am so glad you found this safe place.
I went through similar things, but with my brother - not the same as going through it with your own child. These words comfort me "Whether or not you realize it, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." The more we step back and appreciate that,the better things get.
Am so glad you found this safe place.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The South
Posts: 105
Our daughter is an addict. Your story could be mine also. Addiction IS a very, very sad disease.
You are not alone. You will find wisdom, courage, and strength on this website. It is a life line for me.
Right now, Mr. Habit and I are allowing our daughter the dignity to experience the consequences of her choices. Yes, it is very, very diffucult. But, it is easier than being caught up in the insanity.
Prayers going up for you family.
(((Hugs)))
You are not alone. You will find wisdom, courage, and strength on this website. It is a life line for me.
Right now, Mr. Habit and I are allowing our daughter the dignity to experience the consequences of her choices. Yes, it is very, very diffucult. But, it is easier than being caught up in the insanity.
Prayers going up for you family.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East Coast of Florida
Posts: 61
Thank you all so very much for your replies and your help.
I will be going to meetings and looking out for myself and my other (16 YO) daughter. I am sad, but feel less guilty being relieved that she ended up back in jail. I know where she is, I know she's not smoking or using, and I am not worrying about being robbed or ID theft.
Tonight I talked to her on the phone and, as usual, was blown away by her lack of "getting it". The first day she was in jail, I heard a thank you or two for telling her I was taking care of her cat and her belongings.
Today she asked me if I would pay for a prepaid account for her friend "Joe". This is the guy who drove her around to pawn my jewelry and pick up drugs while she was out on bond, among other things. I told her absolutely not. In a second she dropped the courteous facade and was telling ME that I should spend some time in jail and maybe I would have some sympathy. Unbelievable.
It is going to take a lot to bring her to her knees. I'm not sure jail will do it. But I will not be sending her money and I may not be answering the phone. I let her treat me like crap when I was still giving her the benefit of the doubt, and it's ludicrous for me to take any more now that I know the truth.
I am feeling a little angry a the moment, but maybe that's a good thing....for me. I'm pretty new to this and it's hard not to take some of the the things she says and has done personally. It's going to be a long, hard road. I've already been on it for years and didn't fully realize it.
Thank you for the hugs, prayers, and support. I am grateful to have found this place and people who understand ((((hugs))) to you all.
I will be going to meetings and looking out for myself and my other (16 YO) daughter. I am sad, but feel less guilty being relieved that she ended up back in jail. I know where she is, I know she's not smoking or using, and I am not worrying about being robbed or ID theft.
Tonight I talked to her on the phone and, as usual, was blown away by her lack of "getting it". The first day she was in jail, I heard a thank you or two for telling her I was taking care of her cat and her belongings.
Today she asked me if I would pay for a prepaid account for her friend "Joe". This is the guy who drove her around to pawn my jewelry and pick up drugs while she was out on bond, among other things. I told her absolutely not. In a second she dropped the courteous facade and was telling ME that I should spend some time in jail and maybe I would have some sympathy. Unbelievable.
It is going to take a lot to bring her to her knees. I'm not sure jail will do it. But I will not be sending her money and I may not be answering the phone. I let her treat me like crap when I was still giving her the benefit of the doubt, and it's ludicrous for me to take any more now that I know the truth.
I am feeling a little angry a the moment, but maybe that's a good thing....for me. I'm pretty new to this and it's hard not to take some of the the things she says and has done personally. It's going to be a long, hard road. I've already been on it for years and didn't fully realize it.
Thank you for the hugs, prayers, and support. I am grateful to have found this place and people who understand ((((hugs))) to you all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
(((newimage))) so sorry about the phone call 
if you are ready to focus on taking care of yourself and your 16 yo daughter, not accepting future calls seems like a very reasonable plan. if that feels like too much all at once, setting some boundaries for the calls might be helpful. there was a recent thread about this specifically regarding phone calls and setting boundaries, and someone referred back to a thread called "empathetic script". both might be worth a search. it is totally reasonable to set a boundary that you will not not accept calls asking for money or that you will not accept calls where you are not treated with respect. if your daughter cannot respect your boundaries, it is reasonable to hang up. stay strong.
if you are ready to focus on taking care of yourself and your 16 yo daughter, not accepting future calls seems like a very reasonable plan. if that feels like too much all at once, setting some boundaries for the calls might be helpful. there was a recent thread about this specifically regarding phone calls and setting boundaries, and someone referred back to a thread called "empathetic script". both might be worth a search. it is totally reasonable to set a boundary that you will not not accept calls asking for money or that you will not accept calls where you are not treated with respect. if your daughter cannot respect your boundaries, it is reasonable to hang up. stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
You are not the only person she has at this point! If she's in jail, there are people and resources for her. When my AD went to jail, she called to ask for money and effort on my part to get her a lawyer, help from her pprobation officer, etc. Sometimes she was nice, sometimes, pitiful, sometimes angry. She was detoxing cold turkey in jail so I was not surprised at her behavior. The court ordered into a rehab and she was thrown out after 2 days because she kept threatening to leave. They sent her back to jail where she got a psych eval and said she had a personality disorder but she was deemed competent for court. She chose to take the felonies and serve time rather than a lighter sentence with probation. Now she is out, living with an enabler, smoking pot, but saying she does not plan to go back to heroin. I hope she means it but I'm not holding my breath. Anyway, my point is that the courts have resources and can help her get the help she needs if she wants it.
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