Milkshake

I have been with my partner for 12 years - up until the middle of this year. One day i packed a suitcase and left qwith our 2 beautiful children. I called the police, they brought him home and i went into town hopped on a train and was given a bolt hole through Womens Aid to clear my head. I texted his family and heard nothing for a week until he was in hospital after trying to kill himself.

The last 8 months have been painful, i lost all my friends and family and myself and children ended up living with his eldest long lost daughter and her young family as myself and my children became homeless and the authorities were unable to rehome us.

He detoxed, became sober and the man we all loved re-appeared. Happy in that fact that we were once again becoming a happy family we found somewhere new to live and he re-arranged his counselling and alcohol abuse team.

That was 3 weeks ago and he's drinking again. I cannot cope with this - i have no-one left to confide in - everyone thinks we are happy again and back as the amazing family we should be - but it's all lies. If it wasn't for my children i would have left this morning - flu or no flu! (Myself ad daughte have been in bed for a week and now he has it) So it's his perfect reason not to discuss it.

That mild mannered gorgeous confident man i love has once again disappearedand turned into this ugly, secretive, aggressive, heartbreaking weasel.

We moved to a new area for a fresh start (away from my family) and he's reset up his business, i've re applied for university (we have an 18 yr age gap) and everyone thinks we are so strong and amazing.

He tells me it's just a 'blip' - that it was a 1/4 of a bottle and not enough for a cat to get pissed (vodka that is!) - but i know his 'blips'

I can't afford to live here on my own on benefits, i'm ashamed to ring his family and upset them again. It destoyed them seeing him like that months ago, having to take him vodka so he wouldn't die when detoxing, when his nurses rang his family and said they needed to.

He got to the other side - and it was my fault for loving him again that he's slipped back down and isn't getting back up. He's stopped taking his meds for drinking

What the hell do i do?

I LOVE HIM AND I FRICKING HATE HIM - I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM KILL HIMSELF. He has other health issues too, and i thought the counselling he was having at the old alcohol misuse centre was helping, but he's just told me they are utter sh*t - i think he thinks there's a miracle cure where someone will wave a magic wand. He was under a mental anxiety team at one point but they let him down too (ie released him too early)

I thought he wanted us and his children back together, it took everything for me to take him back, it took everything for me to leave in the first place after 3 years of this ....

What now?????

I really want to attend Al anon, but do not drive and would ahve no-one to look after the children. I am starting to feel my likfe is over and i cannot continue - not in a suicidal way - just in the way that i have to admit defeat and face facts that this is my life forever.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR Family, Milkshake!

Thank you for introducing yourself and sharing some of your story with us. You have found a wonderful source of support and information. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I don't have an instant cure to your situation, but I do have encouragement and a few tips that helped me get control of my life after living with active alcoholism.

I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones addiction:

I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it

The addiction belongs to the addict. The use, abuse, actions and reactions all belong to the addict. I needed time and patience to accept that I was powerless over their addiction. Once, I understood that - I was able to start taking better care of myself and my children.

As I accepted the fact that I did not own my loved ones addiction, I was able to reach out to others for support. I was no longer trying to hide/cover up/pretend about the problems in our home. I gave the dysfunction a voice and asked for support.

I found support in my community from Alanon members. I also found that some friends were very encouraging once they understood what my reality was.

Some Alanon groups may offer childcare, and some members may be willing to help with transportation. I encourage you to reach out and find out the resources available in your new community.

Please keep reading and posting as we are here to support you!

cymbal

I just wanted to say welcome.
(((((hugs)))))
I have been where you are.
I moved away from my family to "try to save (rescue)" my alcoholic husband
from himself. I felt that I couldn't let go of him when he was suicidal.
I felt that I was responsible somehow. I felt embarrassed because I kept going back and doing the same thing again.

I remember crying as I went to pick up his stuff after I'd finally had the courage to ask him to leave again. My gut was telling me that it wasn't a good idea, but I just couldn't let go.

Multiply that same scenario by a factor of 10 (give or take), and you have my life. Insanity is doing something over and over again expecting different results. I am learning better coping skills.

Through the power of my higher power, Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, and SR,
I'm free. It feels like such a relief. As if a 50 lb sack has been lifted.

I'm not responsible for his side of the street. I did not cause it; I cannot control it; I cannot cure it. My love is just not that powerful. I am not that powerful.

I kept falling for the emotional blackmail until I knew better and could do better.
I finally was able to accumulate time of no contact, so I wouldn't get sucked back in by his words. Action speaks so much louder now.
You are not alone. I'm so glad that you reached out here for support.
We're here.
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for letting me share!
(((more hugs)))