I survived ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
I survived ...
the first official Thanksgiving w/out my AH. for about last ten years we have spent thanksgiving with his family. i missed it so badly, his mom's cooking and the family being together. but, i survived. i didn't call him or text him. the kids and i ate our food (i actually spent the day cooking for us) and had a decent time.
right now, after all this time i'm actually starting to see the posibility of us not coming back together. it is still hard to believe. for the past 8 months, i have been hanging onto hope that he will seek treatment or at least do something about his use. i left it alone and unfortunately nothing happened.
over the holiday, i have been thinking about our relationship a lot and trying to take a more realistic look at it. and i have realized that our relationship has not been so peachy as i would like myself to think. i guess with time we have a tendency to forget the bad stuff and hang on to good memories, or at least that is what i have been doing.
wondering if anyone is feeling similarly. the holiday was very tough for me. now i have to survive Christmas, too. but i will. and it will be all right.
thank you all for reading and comments.
hugs and prayers.
right now, after all this time i'm actually starting to see the posibility of us not coming back together. it is still hard to believe. for the past 8 months, i have been hanging onto hope that he will seek treatment or at least do something about his use. i left it alone and unfortunately nothing happened.
over the holiday, i have been thinking about our relationship a lot and trying to take a more realistic look at it. and i have realized that our relationship has not been so peachy as i would like myself to think. i guess with time we have a tendency to forget the bad stuff and hang on to good memories, or at least that is what i have been doing.
wondering if anyone is feeling similarly. the holiday was very tough for me. now i have to survive Christmas, too. but i will. and it will be all right.
thank you all for reading and comments.
hugs and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Sunny So Ca beach with a breeze
Posts: 75
I have been there! and kept my SXAH close, What I told myself was for my daughter, which mostly it was. I tried for years to make things good after divorce for her and so she would know her dad. Yet I have realized, it only cause me more harm and less healing.
Over the years I have a hard time finding good memories. I am not sure it is good or bad. But we do move foward. Holidays are hard as they are time for family and remembering.
You will move forward and things willbe easiee. Move at your pace and let no one tell you when and where you make changes, as you are the only one that can tell you its time. But try to remwmber everything can be better. stay strong and remember you are never alone!
))HUGS((
Over the years I have a hard time finding good memories. I am not sure it is good or bad. But we do move foward. Holidays are hard as they are time for family and remembering.
You will move forward and things willbe easiee. Move at your pace and let no one tell you when and where you make changes, as you are the only one that can tell you its time. But try to remwmber everything can be better. stay strong and remember you are never alone!
))HUGS((
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((PS))) - I definitely did the remembering of the good stuff, and downplaying the bad. Though it hurts to start seeing our relationships without any filters, realizing it wasn't as great as we thought it was, it a big step forward.
The first year is toughest (or at least it was me), but it gets better when we realize we can get through holidays, birthdays, etc. and make new memories.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
The first year is toughest (or at least it was me), but it gets better when we realize we can get through holidays, birthdays, etc. and make new memories.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
thank you guys so much for your support. i know you guys are right and it will get easier with time. i have been reading a lot of other posts and i am feeling better about things.
what has helped me is thinking in terms of my choices, which are quite simple at this time. i can either go back and have things the way they were (with his addiction and everything that comes with that) or i can move forward and have a better life for me and the children. seeing it this way makes it a lot easier to stick to my decision.
i appreciate all the support and encouragement. love you all.
hugs and prayers.
what has helped me is thinking in terms of my choices, which are quite simple at this time. i can either go back and have things the way they were (with his addiction and everything that comes with that) or i can move forward and have a better life for me and the children. seeing it this way makes it a lot easier to stick to my decision.
i appreciate all the support and encouragement. love you all.
hugs and prayers.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I've been around life for quite a while now and I have learned that it is ever-changing...whether I am ready or not. But in hindsight every change was good, even the unpleasant ones, because it all brought me to the good place I am in today.
Your life holds wonderful opportunities ahead for you, new beginnings and lots of adventures. You will be okay all the way because you have grown and learned acceptance and how to adapt.
So get your camera ready, throw on your backpack and just show up and let life happen...it will...it always does.
Happy holiday...with new traditions and good memory making opportunities.
Hugs
Your life holds wonderful opportunities ahead for you, new beginnings and lots of adventures. You will be okay all the way because you have grown and learned acceptance and how to adapt.
So get your camera ready, throw on your backpack and just show up and let life happen...it will...it always does.
Happy holiday...with new traditions and good memory making opportunities.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Holidays fill me with "undue" stress. Thanksgiving was nice and all, but all the commotion, talking, movement, I just really wanted to curl up in bed and sleep.
Christmas is even more demanding with all the decorating and gift buying.
You can tell I'm getting old. he he
When I was younger and didn't have so much "stress" behind me leaving me in knots every day, I enjoyed holidays, but not lately.
Christmas is even more demanding with all the decorating and gift buying.
You can tell I'm getting old. he he
When I was younger and didn't have so much "stress" behind me leaving me in knots every day, I enjoyed holidays, but not lately.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Glad you made it thru - as far as getting ready for Christmas . . .
Its a wonderful time to start brand new traditions - something fun, something you and the kids can do together ~ something you have always wanted to do but couldn't before???
Sometimes it's the simple, silly stuff that the kids enjoy & remember ~ my girls are now (29 & 26) they know they are getting chocolate covered cherries for Christmas and They use to groan horribly when they heard Elvis Christmas Music as we decorated the house ~ Now They say "It's not officially Christmas until we hear Elvis singing Blue Christmas!
It's just how we made sad times happier!
PINK HUGS & good luck to you on your brand new life!
Rita
Its a wonderful time to start brand new traditions - something fun, something you and the kids can do together ~ something you have always wanted to do but couldn't before???
Sometimes it's the simple, silly stuff that the kids enjoy & remember ~ my girls are now (29 & 26) they know they are getting chocolate covered cherries for Christmas and They use to groan horribly when they heard Elvis Christmas Music as we decorated the house ~ Now They say "It's not officially Christmas until we hear Elvis singing Blue Christmas!
It's just how we made sad times happier!
PINK HUGS & good luck to you on your brand new life!
Rita
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
pacificsunrise,
One thing I find helpful through the holidays is having my little ones with me. I focus on them and reassure myself that they need to have happy memories of the holidays. Over the last six years I started new traditions with my girls. Which most of the time, even when he was around, did not involve AXBF. On thanksgiving, we watch the parade on TV and eat cinnamon buns! The kids get so excited anticipating Santa's grand entrance at the end of the parade. And on Christmas eve we attend family parties (my family) and make sugar cookies (including frosting and tons of sprinkles!). It's these little traditions that I look forward to every year, me and the girls always have so much fun doing these things together.
One thing I find helpful through the holidays is having my little ones with me. I focus on them and reassure myself that they need to have happy memories of the holidays. Over the last six years I started new traditions with my girls. Which most of the time, even when he was around, did not involve AXBF. On thanksgiving, we watch the parade on TV and eat cinnamon buns! The kids get so excited anticipating Santa's grand entrance at the end of the parade. And on Christmas eve we attend family parties (my family) and make sugar cookies (including frosting and tons of sprinkles!). It's these little traditions that I look forward to every year, me and the girls always have so much fun doing these things together.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
I am in the same exact place as you pacific. Only my year mark of separation is next week. Altho we were separate at Christmas, I did attend his family's celebration and I invited him home to be with me and the kids. Unfortunately, he also has chosen not to do a darn thing in 12 months to change his situation. It is still the same old same old and I am tired and done quite truthfully. I plan to turn our legal sep into a divorce at the beginning of Jan. I can't come up with the cost right now before the holidays. I too am sad about the holidays, no different than last year, but this year I plan to spend Christmas morning alone with my kids. Maybe we can start some new traditions! I just can't keep holding on to a hopeless cause. At least that is how it feels to me.
****{Hugs}}} I know what you are going through. Stay strong!
****{Hugs}}} I know what you are going through. Stay strong!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
thank you guys for all the encouragement and support. as i read everyone's posts, i've started to feel a little bit better about starting new traditions etc. i can say that i almost got excited about it all. about not having to walk on the eggshells and worry about what kind of mood is he (AH) going to be in and so on. well, all that was a few days ago.
then today, we finally put up the Christmas tree up and decorated the apartment some. and all day today, i have only received 1 text from him (i know, i should delete it) and all it said was "i miss you guys" and it really hit me hard. it was just so sad and made me want to cry. despite everything my AH has put me and the family through, i just wanted to give him a hug and spend holidays together (silly old me, as if he has magically transformed into a clean and non-lying person). the reason i'm writing here about it is to get some good clearing of my romantic fantasies and to hopefully get it out of my system.
needed. i started to consider replying to the text or calling him. thankfully, i didn't do either one and came to SR and read some more posts.
so, i suspect, Christmas might be harder than what i thought.
i am thankful to have found SR and all of you here who have been wonderful in sharing your experiences and support.
hugs and prayers for a safe and happy holiday season.
then today, we finally put up the Christmas tree up and decorated the apartment some. and all day today, i have only received 1 text from him (i know, i should delete it) and all it said was "i miss you guys" and it really hit me hard. it was just so sad and made me want to cry. despite everything my AH has put me and the family through, i just wanted to give him a hug and spend holidays together (silly old me, as if he has magically transformed into a clean and non-lying person). the reason i'm writing here about it is to get some good clearing of my romantic fantasies and to hopefully get it out of my system.
needed. i started to consider replying to the text or calling him. thankfully, i didn't do either one and came to SR and read some more posts.so, i suspect, Christmas might be harder than what i thought.
i am thankful to have found SR and all of you here who have been wonderful in sharing your experiences and support.
hugs and prayers for a safe and happy holiday season.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 57
Pacificsunrise, I admire your strength for not returning his text. It's so hard to let go of the fantasy and the what-ifs! But you are doing what's best for you and your daughters. I grew up with parents who were both alcoholics, and I wish to God that one of them had been sane and strong enough to do what you are doing. In my adult life, I've repeated the patterns I saw my parents act out. A month ago I went no-contact with my ABF, and I struggle every day with the urge to call him, but I'm trying to just put one foot in front of the other and have faith that my serenity will grow with time. What a wonderful blessing that you can have a peaceful holiday with your children for the first time in so long!
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