tryingtohelp2

As I sit here typing this...my head is spinning in a million directions. My dearest friend and I have just discovered that our unconditional love crossed into romantic love. We both finally stopped fighting our feelings and let it just be. After spending nearly the entire past two weeks with him, I have come to realize a few things. First, I love him more and deeper than I ever thought was possible...Second, I can't imagine my life without him in it in some capacity....Third, if he does not drink something every single day, the physical withdrawl is IMMENSE! He went to rehab in August after begging and pleading with me for help. He was sober for a good 40+ days, doing intensive therapy and meetings, then it all fell apart.

He started drinking again and has evidently not stopped, I knew there were a few binges....I was present for parts of most of them...but not until today did I understand what a physical hold alcohol has on him. I went to the doctor on tuesday where he asked for help and inquired about medications to curb the craving. The doc suggested rehab again and medical detox. After he made several phone calls....the one he was waiting for came ...on all days...Thanksgiving!

So I will be taking him back to rehab 3 hours away on sunday. I am happy he is getting help....but uncertain as to the outcome...for both of us. I know enough that he has to stop....to save his life.....he has an enlarged liver and started spitting up blood. I also am beginning to question how much of this I can handle. When we were "friends" I saw plenty...but evidentally not all! I am concerned of how his behavoir will impact his children and mine is this next attempt should fail.

I love him dearly and unconditionally, I love his girls as if they were my own and he loves my children as well. My heart is both filled with the excitement of possibilities and trembling with the thought of alcohol destroying the love of my life!

I appologize for rambling....I can talk to nobody about this....I guess I just needed to see my feelings in print. God bless all of you in your struggles and thank you for allowing me to vent

DesertEyes

Hello there tryingtohelp

I am so sorry to hear that you are going thru so much "stuff". I have loved an addict who could not stop her addiction, so I understand what it feels like to have my head spinning wild. It's like one giant pot filled with all the emotions in the world, boiling over.

I can relate to that. I have had two wonderful relationships with women that ended due to addiction. I thought I saw all the "red flags", but just like you said, there were some I missed.

Ramble all you want, that's what SR is for. And yes, you do have someone you can talk to about this. You have thousands and thousands of people here on SR that you can "talk" to about this. The details of our lives are different, but those feelings you speak of are the same for all of us.

Mike

electricalguru

Can you also check my wife in also. She got out in August also and is on her third binge. I dont know what to think.

jessiec

I can imagine how unsettling this has to be. Here's hoping that this separation and heal g with start him on a healthier path and you two on a happy future path. It sounds like you have a special relationship.

marie1960

We understand that you love him......... we have all been there at one time or another.

This is about addiction. It has nothing to do with love. Love will not cure it.

Please take the time to educate yourself regarding alcoholism. We truly are powerless over this horrible disease. Take the time and read and research what alcoholism does to the affected person, as well as family members.

Rehab does not promise a " rose garden, or a happily ever after.

the only promise of tomorrow is the one you secure for yourself.

Sending warm thoughts your way...........

BASEjumper

I like that. So true.

PurpleWilder

I hate to say this, but right now he is in another relationship with Ms. Alcohol.

You really should wait until he breaks up with her and gets over her - if he ever can - before you move into a romantic relationship with him...unless you always want to be the mistress. All the love you may have for him means naught until he deals with that.

JMHO...

Hopeworks

I concur with the above posters ... unless he becomes alcohol free AND in authentic recovery the merry go round will just go faster and faster and turn into a roller coaster ... the disease is progressive and does not ever get better as long as alcohol is in the picture.

If he were to suddenly abstain and begin a serious attempt at recovery there would still be no guarantees ... most relationships without alcohol fail and if you add addiction the failure rates are simply to awful to comtemplate.

So... those soaring emotions, firing brain chemicals and hormone avalanche are all GREAT but I caution you that if you choose to pursue the relationship consider that what you have may the very best you will ever experience. It may be enough and well worth the huge risks and some do make it...

My AH is doing great but I cannot begin to describe the horrors of dealing with his stop and start recovery efforts that included jail, two rehabs and thousands of hours of counseling. He is the BEST guy in the world and I love him awful ... he truly is my soul mate but if I had a do-over I think I would run the other way!

I live with the knowledge that at any time he can relapse if he isn't very, very careful and conscious of what he needs to do in recovery. My life is planned for the potential of that happening and we have seperate homes and lives that I can unwind with a phone call. This is not normal living but it is what I need for my serenity and my alcohol free boundaries.

Lots of info but I know all about those neurons firing when we are hopelessly and helplessly in love with someone that we know can unravel ...

Alanon...alanon...alanon and get your PHD in addiction!

Thumper

I'm so sorry.

I read something that has really stuck with me and your post brought it to mind.

Love can be unconditional but commitment should not be. You can love this man no matter what but know what you are worth and what you are willing to accept. Know your boundaries and how to protect them/ yourself

tryingtohelp2

Wow! Thank you all for your responses....you have given me a LOT to think over. I appreciate each of you for taking the time to read and respond. I know a lot of you have been where I am at this moment and I am grateful for your advice and understanding. I don't know what the path in front of us may hold, but I am certain I could never walk away from him or turn my back. I don't think I have ever loved anyone this much besides my children. I feel at peace and secure when I am with him and miss his presence horribly when I am not. I understand he has a disease which leads him to bad decisions and causes him and those who love him pain; the real man underneath is so loving, generous, and sweet....I feel in my heart it is worth fighting for!

Seren

Hello and Welcome!

I'm glad you found us, and hope that you will educate yourself as much as possible about this disease of alcoholism. I hope, too, that you will consider the children in this situation.

His behavior will impact his children.....and if you continue to allow your children to be around him, yours as well. If you have any questions about how children are impacted when raised in a home with active alcoholism or addiction, I suggest you read the threads in the following forum:

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Good luck as you move forward. I will pray that this latest round in rehab will be the one during which recovery "clicks" for him.

HG

tryingtohelp2

Thank you Hydrogirl....unfortunately I have some experience there too....I am an ACOA. Beer finally took my dad at age 59...just two years into my marraige and two months into my first pregnancy. Today he backed out at the last minute and then started some ridiculous fight and refused to talk to me till tomorrow. I am so hurt....I don't know if I will then either. I may just stay awhile and let my head clear....digest my own thoughts and what you all have said. I think I finally need a break!

dollydo

He has done this before, last month he had a girlfriend for two weeks and he dumped her. This month you are his main squeeze and he is now ignoring you. Don't you see a pattern here?

You have children right? They need to be your priorty, not him, if his actions affect your moods and emotional well being, they also affect your children.

How old is this guy and how long has he been in the throws of addiction?

He is an alcoholic, he is not in recovery, he is not mentally stable. You can live without him,
start thinking with your head, not your heart.

Read Codependent No More, get to Alanon meetings, knowledge is power.