MsGrace

I've been married 6 years to a man who was sober 13 years when I met him. I just loved him completely. I made the mistake thinking the alcoholic circus had left town for good as he'd been sober a very long time. He never participate in AA...just managing on his own I suppose.

This year things starte to change...he was exhibiting more and more anxiety, some lunatic late night rants that were seemingly connected to nothing in particular, then an overdose on over the counter antihistimine and a day in the ER. Just a few weeks later, a call from his employer to pick him up..he was impaired (with antihisitmine) and another day in the ER, where I insisted something was terribly wrong and I couldn't manage him by myself. He was referred to a mental health rehab program, with dual diagnosis of Stress/addiction. From my perspective now, the mental health community totally missed it..he was simply in full relapse (which caused the anxiety) He fell quickly back to drinking and I was hysterical about this. I started Al Anon right away and have a sponsor. He refused to let me speak to his psych doctor (as he was trying to hide the drinking) and so I wrote them a letter, prompting a 3 way meeting. They recommended an inpatient program for him. The next week he was to go in with his plan to pursue recovery again. The day he was to go I told him I'd support him any possible way he wanted to pursue recovery...but if he for whatever reason chose not to recover, he could not be here with me. He left that very day, and never looked back...leaving me with all our responsibilities and bills...as well as my completely broken heart.

Somebody help me understand how can they do this?? We had a beautiful life, and everything to work for. I feel like I've been robbed of the whole 6 years as I can never look back on any of it without wondering if the sweet moments we had were just another part of the alcoholic lie. Where would I find truth in there? I'm just so devastated at the complete, abrupt and final decision made in an instant.

XXXXXXXXXX

It is not understandable. We people who are not addicts will never understand the addict mind.

I wonder too, When i asked him to choose alcohol and the horrible life that comes along with it for him or a normal life with me, I never believed that he would choose alcohol.

Through some counselling and reading here, I learned that this has nothing to do with me. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong, I wasn't good enough. I'm very glad I am smarter than that.

You can be smarter too. You didn't cause it, you cant change or cure it. You feel like you have been robbed of 6 years, don't let him take one more minute. Take care of yourself. AND stick to your guns. If he makes it out of rehab and gets healthy enough to have a healthy relationship, that is wonderful. Take care of yourself and keep reading here, it helps.

Impurrfect

(((MsGrace))) - welcome to SR, though sorry for what brings you here.

FWIW, I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and recovering codie (codependent) with loved ones who are A's (addicts).

I know this FEELS entirely personal, but it's not. When we are actively using/drinking, that's all we can think about. When we do realize how much we're hurting those that love us, unless we're truly ready for recovery, we will just use/drink to numb out the feelings.

You sound like you are doing all the right things - al-anon, sponsor, coming here and setting a boundary. Wow, I wish I had done that with my first alcoholic bf.

I know it hurts, and there's really no way through that than through it. I will say, though, that I can tell you what goes on in the mind of an A, you won't really "get it" unless you are an A. Even though I KNEW, without a doubt, what went on in MY mind when I was using, I still had difficulty calling it quits with the last addict bf, and wondering why he didn't get it?!

SR has been a huge help in both my recoveries.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LifeRecovery

Gosh I can understand the emotions in this post.

I am glad you are going to Al-Anon, it helped me to not only deal with the behavior surround alcoholism, but also the huge sense of abandonment that I felt after the ending of our relationship.

I also did a lot of reading....about addiction. It really helped me. A lot of the reading which shares personal stories from Al-anon (In All Our Affairs) especially really helped me to understand that I was not alone in what I was experiencing. I might not ever "understand" what happened wtih my loved one, but I don't have to feel alone.

Keep posting it helps. You are not alone.

MsGrace

thank you all for your thoughtful and insightful replies. You are correct on all of it...in the midst of my pain, I seek for the "why" when as it relates to addiction, there is no why that can make any sense.

I'm sticking with Al Anon...it definately helps. One day, I'll hope to feel normal again and in spite of how much I miss my sober husband, he did in fact, do me a favor.

I think I'm struggling more today....it's the holidays. Makes all of this even harder...

thank you again

dollydo

That is the trouble with addiction, there is no cure, none. Relapse can happen at anytime.
I have a friend that relapsed after 20 years, we all went out to celebrate her 20 years (no alcohol) and after we parted, she went out on a binge ended up in the ER. Started yet again at day one, she has had several relapses, I am not sure if she will actually make it through recovery again.

There is no way to know what an addict will do, sad, but true.

Keep those meetings up, keep posting, we are here for you.

MsGrace

I want to say how thankful I am to have found this forum. I spent ALL DAY here yesterday, after a day of intense suffering about the A's behavior and total abandonment of me and all our responsibilities. I started this post with a question: "How can I understand this behavior?" The wise answer is "unless you are alcoholic, you cannot". I was asking the unanswerable question.

After reading so much wisdom in these pages...I found something that actually led me to the deeper, more personal question I believe I was actually asking. "When will the suffering stop?" This is the question I believe many family members have that is at the base of all the other questions. I found this incredibly helpful, truthful post, right in these forums. It helped me shift in the direction of what I have to surrender in order to stop suffering. Hope it helps you too:

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.


The Pain Stops: When you are ready

langkah

Sad deal for the innocents who are affected when the alcoholic who should know better doesn't.

Alone22

Ms. Grace thank you for posting "The Pain Stops" I too read this a few months back, printed it and put it in my journal because it more than anything else I read help me to understand what I needed to understand in the journey of loving an alcoholic. When I understood that my AH's decisions didn't have anything to do with me (as painful yet relieving as it was) I could start to focus on me. It gave me strength to face my fears and to look inside for what I needed in my life. The next step that helped me was to give my worry about my AH to my HP. There was nothing I could do to help and worrying about it changed nothing. The only person I can control is me. When I felt low I got out of the house and did something for me. Wishing you all the best.

cymbal

I start thinking about the why does...?

Then I thought:
Why anyone does anything?.... Is an itch that has no scratch....
I have enough trouble figuring out why I do what I do, and I sometimes can't even figure that out! Lol!

I'm so sorry about your pain.
Program teaches that pain is an opportunity for growth.
I sometimes think. I'm grown already. Give me a break.
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for letting me share!
(((hugs)))
You're not alone.

MsGrace

Anvil...you are so correct. I realize now that his 13 years of alledged sobriety were his version only. That may be nothing like the truth.

You are also correct...in the end...the "straight" life lost it's appeal. His privacy to pursue his addiction in secret clearly meant more than anything else. This is the really tough part for families...but accept this truth, I must

Cyranoak

...that you consider it a little differently. I believe you don't need to understand the alcoholic as much as you need to understand yourself.

1. Why did you choose a recovering alcoholic?
2. Why were you unaware and in denial he was relapsing?
3. Why do you think logic or love applies in this situation?
4. Why, after all your years in recovery, is any of this a surprise to you?
5. What are you going to do?

All tough questions with no easy answers, but never forget this relapse isn't about you, it's about him, and you did not cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it, but you can contribute to it..

It's heartbreaking, I know. I've been living it for going on ten years. I'd encourage you to focus on yourself right now, your recovery in AA and Alanon.

Take care,

Cyranoak

MsGrace

You are correct of course. This all happened just a couple months ago...so I'm pretty raw with it still, and I am doing the Al Anon work, and I STILL want a better understanding. I so appreciate what Anvil has courageously shared...it really does help to understand the mechanism of the disease. It helps to de-personalize it. It helps.

Now for your questions: Why did you choose a recovering alcoholic? I chose the person...and not understanding the disease at all, assumed 13 years of sobriety meant that he was "cured". I just didn't understand the disease.

Why were you unaware and in denial he was relapsing? I did not understand the disease....I had no way of understanding what a relapse would look like. I didn't understand until I actually discovered the real alcohol. Once I understood that a relapse had occurred...I started Al Anon right away in crisis. You see...it seems he was VERY clever at hiding. I've heard this is pretty common.

Why do you think logic or love applies in this situation? It clearly doesn't. I did not understand the disease. I married for love and was totally devoted. My only regret now is that I would have gone to Al Anon a few times before marriage...or educated myself about the disease prior to marriage. I may have made different decisions. I find the disease completely mysterious...

Why, after all your years in recovery, is any of this a surprise to you? I am not alcoholic and have just been going to Al Anon 2 months. This entire conversation is brand new. I have not been in recovery for years. I did not understand the disease. I'm learning now.

What are you going to do? I'm doing what I need to do: I'm learning about the disease. I attend Al Anon every week. I have a sponsor. I have a counselor. I'm working the steps myself. I'm here on this forum to continue to learn about myself and how to get better. I want to be able to ask tough questions without being judged. It is this that helps.

That's all

Impurrfect

(((MsGrace))) - "that's all" is pretty darned good, IMO! None of us like having to answer those questions, but it really is helpful to see how we got where we are, so we can do everything possible to not go there with someone else.

I've read, here, several times "when we know better, we do better".

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

MsGrace

Thank you Amy...that is Oprah who said that (that I can recall). It is true and great hope is in there: "When I know better, I'll do better"

MsGrace

So here is a new self-observation. Knowing what I know now...I think "doing better" would be this: I would never, ever consider a committed personal relationship with an addict ever again. Period. I say this from my own learning about what this disease is. And also, I have to say I have the deepest respect for those who have found their way out of addiction, and are committed to sobriety. I'd still have to eliminate those good folks from my relationship life (other than just being friends)

Would that be "doing better by knowing better?" (not that any relationship comes with any sort of guarantee...

Impurrfect

I totally understand not wanting to get into a relationship with another A...been through 3 of them, myself, and not too keen on the idea. However, I'm still working on me, so am not really looking for a relationship anyway.

Of course, as ((Ms.Grace)) said, relationships don't come with a guarantee. I just hope I get really good at recognizing red flags.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Learn2Live

When my XABF told me he was "5 years clean" from his addiction to crack cocaine, in my mind that meant he was strong! Little did I know! I quickly learned that was not what that meant, and nearly lost my life in the process. I am still recovering from the trauma I experienced during that period of my life 15 years ago; life will never again be as carefree as it was before my awakening. Looking back now I know that the less time I spend hanging on to old ideas and wants, the faster and better I grow.

Shadydeal

So true, hope my time to stop the pain comes soon. So very painful!

Learn2Live

For me, the pain stopped completely when I changed the way I allow myself to think. First, I had to get away from people who thought the same way, and the same things, I did. Then, I had to find a NEW way of thinking. Al-Anon definitely started me on that path; saved my damn life. On FaceBook I now "associate" with those "old" people and I can see very clearly that they still think those old ways. Boy am I glad I got out of that mess! I still have to be careful, though, not to get sucked into that vortex of sick, dysfunctional thinking.