How's the Best Way to Force a Pothead Son Out?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
How's the Best Way to Force a Pothead Son Out?
I have a son who is about to be 22 next month. He graduated from HS with a B- after a humungus amount of energy from me: monitoring, overseeing, dragging him out of bed, taking him to school, leaving work a couple hours later to drag him from out beneath the bed and re-taking him to school and marching his precious behind in and handing him over to the principal, etc...
He was grounded, he had his phone, computer, etc... taken away. He had no allowance and extra chores. When he invited his friends over and I caught them drinking, I sent them all home and the next day contacted all their parents. He snuck out of the window and stole our cars, he had no driver's licens, and would go to the beach in the middle of the night. I never slept, always listening all night long. I was always one step behind. Always behind.
But I got him through HS and he graduated with a decent grade. He also had a prepaid tuition packet and a military benefit of about $900 a month cash if he went to school full time and a car and a phone and a computer. All paid for by me.
He went to school one semester, then pretended to go to school and lied about it. Eventually you get caught. He lost his drivers license for not paying a stop sign violation. Hasn't had one since July 2010. Still drives though.
I took his car away and sold it and kept the $2500 for myself. The computer broke and I didn't replace it. I turned off his (my phone) and he now pays for his own tracfone. All those fake classes he signed up for screwed up his prepaid tuition. He signed up for them so he could show mom he was in school, but he never attended, or he got Fs or he switched them to other classes without canceling the first class--and as a consequence: he has paid for 3 years of schooling and has credit for 12 hours, 4 classes. His prepaid tuition is so screwed up, I think it's unfixable.
His VA benefit of $900 is as messed up, but I think it could be untangled, if he could get himself to the VA office and follow the instructions. Last time I went with him and the VA owes him about $3000, but he never registered with the VA online and gave them a bank account that was closed and never updated. So who knows where the money is and if he's even eligible for it. Altogether $16,000 down the drain, $13,000 I paid for in cash.
My brain goes fuzzy and I start to cry when I think of it. I have another in college who's working so hard, and a Jr in HS for whom I pay $450 a month to a prepaid program. I could have just transferred the money over to my youngest had i know my oldest was going to just waste it all.
In Spring when all the fake schooling came to light I told him he had to get a fulltime job. He'd been working about 20 hours a week at a gym teaching boys tumbling. After doing that he works out and trains as a gymnast. He's very good and has a chance to get in a world class organization, but hasn't made the cut yet.
He promised that he'd work fulltime in the gym doing the kiddie summer program. At the beginning of the summer we went on vacation 1,200 miles away to visit family. It all blew up beginning with him sticking his toe in his youngest brother's ear on a car ride. Huge fight bringing up 20 years of issues, and he ran away. Hitchhiked in Detroit, conned a friends father into buying him a plane ticket home, where he broke into my house, trashed it (dog feces on his bedroom floor, garbage and food left everywhere, torn up couch cushions). He drove my car without permission and left it for me reeking of pot.
He was thrown out when I came back. He went to live with a friend. But after a week the friend's mother called to complain that all he did was watch tv and sleep. He wandered the streets for a couple days, stealing food doing dine and ditches. A cop threw him out of park where he was sleeping and when I left the house one morning he was sitting in my front yard begging to come back.
I can't tell you how my heart sank. I did not want to see him. I did not want him back. Gave him some food and sent him away until I returned from work, then I met him in a Denny's to talk.
The upshot is, I let him come back. There were promises of working (never happened) of getting along with his brother (I did throw him out for a weekend for picking on him, but they've pretty much been at armed truce), no pot or alcohol (ha!), he had to drop the attitude with me (which he did after the 3 day kick out), and his 'rent' would be to do the dishes (which he does badly once a week with great attitude and lots of reminding).
Last Sunday I walked in on him smoking pot outside by the garbage cans about 10 feet away from the open garage of our neighbor, a cop. I was going to throw him out again, but he came up with a plan of going to school, etc... and letting me monitor his attendance and drug test him. I agreed. He didn't do the dishes he was supposed that night. On Tuesday he told me he wouldn't do them until I had better food in the refrigerator. On Wednesday he was going to eat the food I'd prepped for Thanksgiving; his brother saw trouble and took him to Wendy's.
On Tgiving morning I asked him to finish the dishes so I could start cooking in a clean kitchen. Big attitude and blaming and fuss, so I said they were to done in 10 minutes or he was to leave.
"That's your answer to everything, throw me out."
Yes it is. It's has to be, it's all I have.
He sulked all yesterday. I didn't sleep a minute. I am throwing him out for good.
This morning I dragged his precious behind out of bed at the ungodly early hour of 10:30 am and informed him that he had a lot to do today: he had to find a job and work 40 hours a week and he had to fix his scooter.
I also told him his last night in my house was going to be Dec 18. On the 19th we were going to visit family and there is a plane ticket bought for him and he can go or not as he sees fit (he made a big fuss about how I don't want him to go and he'd just give me what I wanted--but I didn't take the bait, just said, he has to do what he thinks is right); but when we get back, he is not getting into the car with us at the airport and coming home. He needs to have his new living arrangements by then, and he could not stay in the house while the rest of us went on vacation.
He's angry and bitter and blaming and bringing up every failure I ever had in life as I write this. A minute ago I told him that he could stay until Dec 18 the longest--but if he were going to be unpleasant, he could leave right now.
He's now smoldering. He'll take it out on his younger brother; he'll steal and break things covertly.
I'm so tired. I just can't do this any more. I have been dealing with an substance abuser and dysfunction for 20 years. My kids father is a dyed in the wool alcoholic. We broke up in 1997 and there was a huge custody fight in 2001 when he found a rich girlfriend to finance it. He left me and the kids absolutely destitute. Thank goodness my mother helped.
I rebuilt my life and have a good job with decent pay. Then I married again. Another alcoholic, a morning vodka drinker who knew how much i hated drinking and who hid it until after the wedding. He also hid his jaw dropping momma boy problems. If I told you what really went on, you wouldn't believe me. If there's one thing worse than an end stage alcoholic, it's an alcoholic with mommy issues and a budding psychopath for a kid.
I divorced him in 2009 in a divorce he made as difficult as possible. I was left with bankruptcy and foreclosure and post traumatic stress syndrome. I cry all the time. Not that I want him back but from the ptss and loneliness and the destruction of my life at age 50 is almost more than I can stand. I rebuilt in 2001, now I'm doing it again.
I have almost no family support. There's a feeling from my mother that if I were nicer or more sympathetic or more supportive or more patient I wouldn't have had these divorces. She knows nothing about living with a family member who has abuse problems. Everything that is written about living with an alcoholic or a pothead (which my kid is) on this site has been absolutely true in my life: the same lies, the same arguments, the same blameshifting. But she thinks niceness can fix it.
My brother last summer when he heard about my son running off mid vacation said, "Well, what's being done about his pot smoking". He said it in a demanding, judgmental way. I almost wanted to say, "Why nothing at all, is pot smoking a problem."
I've been dealing with it for SIX years with just this kid, and 14 more year with two husbands I so stupidly saddled myself with. I'm paying the price, I'm the one in bankruptcy and foreclosure at age 50, does he really think I don't know these are problems and I'm doing nothing about it?
My mother came up with an idea: she'd pay for counseling for him and for me. She said she would do it because she'd be devastated, absolutely devastated, if anything happened to him. I couldn't believe it. Did she think I wouldn't be? That I'd just shrug off my son's death or suicide with, oh well, easy come easy go?
I couldn't get him to go to counseling, but I go, and I pay for my own. She's always giving me advice to MAKE him do this or that, make this call, take him by the hand and do this or that for him, put him in this program, put him in that, have him audition here or there, have him apply for this or maybe do that career option. She hasn't a clue, and I feel judged that I'm not able to fix him for her. If I'd just try harder....
I cry every day. In the evening after the evening news I go in the car and I drive around and cry and cry until I want to throw up. I've been doing this since October last year, and daily since Feb. I'm glad it's dark now; it's easier to do it in the dark.
But they really believe I'm the insensitive hardazs who just throws him out for petty reasons and am not trying to help him. I call my mother, I call my brother, I call my cousin and ask how they are. Never do any of them call me. Since summer my sister in law has written weekly friendly notes on FB to my son; she's never written one to me. Never, NEVER since I got divorced has any one of my families members asked me, "How are you? Are you doing ok?" In fact, my mother kept trying to persuade me to give my ex, the alcoholic momma's boy one, another chance. She's also told me that I should never marry again, I 'don't do marriage well'--an ironic thing since she is her husband's fourth wife.
I dread the holidays and wish I wasn't going up there. On my mother's urging I bought my pothead son a plane ticket. It cost $461 and she said she'd reimburse me, but I doubt she will. And maybe he'll go or maybe he won't. Either way I'll be blamed. If he goes he'll find some way to stress out the holidays; He ruined last Tgiving 2011, both his brother's birthdays and my bday this summer, summer vacation 2011, mother's day 2011 and 2010 and Xmas 2010.
I want him gone; the week and a half he was gone last summer were so nice. It's hard to describe how stressful he is to be around with his sulking and passive aggressiveness and lying. My other two sons and I were closer. The house was cleaner.
Is 3 weeks enough time to give him to seek a job and alternate housing. Should I give him some money to start off on? Is there a better way to get this kid out of my house?
He was grounded, he had his phone, computer, etc... taken away. He had no allowance and extra chores. When he invited his friends over and I caught them drinking, I sent them all home and the next day contacted all their parents. He snuck out of the window and stole our cars, he had no driver's licens, and would go to the beach in the middle of the night. I never slept, always listening all night long. I was always one step behind. Always behind.
But I got him through HS and he graduated with a decent grade. He also had a prepaid tuition packet and a military benefit of about $900 a month cash if he went to school full time and a car and a phone and a computer. All paid for by me.
He went to school one semester, then pretended to go to school and lied about it. Eventually you get caught. He lost his drivers license for not paying a stop sign violation. Hasn't had one since July 2010. Still drives though.
I took his car away and sold it and kept the $2500 for myself. The computer broke and I didn't replace it. I turned off his (my phone) and he now pays for his own tracfone. All those fake classes he signed up for screwed up his prepaid tuition. He signed up for them so he could show mom he was in school, but he never attended, or he got Fs or he switched them to other classes without canceling the first class--and as a consequence: he has paid for 3 years of schooling and has credit for 12 hours, 4 classes. His prepaid tuition is so screwed up, I think it's unfixable.
His VA benefit of $900 is as messed up, but I think it could be untangled, if he could get himself to the VA office and follow the instructions. Last time I went with him and the VA owes him about $3000, but he never registered with the VA online and gave them a bank account that was closed and never updated. So who knows where the money is and if he's even eligible for it. Altogether $16,000 down the drain, $13,000 I paid for in cash.
My brain goes fuzzy and I start to cry when I think of it. I have another in college who's working so hard, and a Jr in HS for whom I pay $450 a month to a prepaid program. I could have just transferred the money over to my youngest had i know my oldest was going to just waste it all.
In Spring when all the fake schooling came to light I told him he had to get a fulltime job. He'd been working about 20 hours a week at a gym teaching boys tumbling. After doing that he works out and trains as a gymnast. He's very good and has a chance to get in a world class organization, but hasn't made the cut yet.
He promised that he'd work fulltime in the gym doing the kiddie summer program. At the beginning of the summer we went on vacation 1,200 miles away to visit family. It all blew up beginning with him sticking his toe in his youngest brother's ear on a car ride. Huge fight bringing up 20 years of issues, and he ran away. Hitchhiked in Detroit, conned a friends father into buying him a plane ticket home, where he broke into my house, trashed it (dog feces on his bedroom floor, garbage and food left everywhere, torn up couch cushions). He drove my car without permission and left it for me reeking of pot.
He was thrown out when I came back. He went to live with a friend. But after a week the friend's mother called to complain that all he did was watch tv and sleep. He wandered the streets for a couple days, stealing food doing dine and ditches. A cop threw him out of park where he was sleeping and when I left the house one morning he was sitting in my front yard begging to come back.
I can't tell you how my heart sank. I did not want to see him. I did not want him back. Gave him some food and sent him away until I returned from work, then I met him in a Denny's to talk.
The upshot is, I let him come back. There were promises of working (never happened) of getting along with his brother (I did throw him out for a weekend for picking on him, but they've pretty much been at armed truce), no pot or alcohol (ha!), he had to drop the attitude with me (which he did after the 3 day kick out), and his 'rent' would be to do the dishes (which he does badly once a week with great attitude and lots of reminding).
Last Sunday I walked in on him smoking pot outside by the garbage cans about 10 feet away from the open garage of our neighbor, a cop. I was going to throw him out again, but he came up with a plan of going to school, etc... and letting me monitor his attendance and drug test him. I agreed. He didn't do the dishes he was supposed that night. On Tuesday he told me he wouldn't do them until I had better food in the refrigerator. On Wednesday he was going to eat the food I'd prepped for Thanksgiving; his brother saw trouble and took him to Wendy's.
On Tgiving morning I asked him to finish the dishes so I could start cooking in a clean kitchen. Big attitude and blaming and fuss, so I said they were to done in 10 minutes or he was to leave.
"That's your answer to everything, throw me out."
Yes it is. It's has to be, it's all I have.
He sulked all yesterday. I didn't sleep a minute. I am throwing him out for good.
This morning I dragged his precious behind out of bed at the ungodly early hour of 10:30 am and informed him that he had a lot to do today: he had to find a job and work 40 hours a week and he had to fix his scooter.
I also told him his last night in my house was going to be Dec 18. On the 19th we were going to visit family and there is a plane ticket bought for him and he can go or not as he sees fit (he made a big fuss about how I don't want him to go and he'd just give me what I wanted--but I didn't take the bait, just said, he has to do what he thinks is right); but when we get back, he is not getting into the car with us at the airport and coming home. He needs to have his new living arrangements by then, and he could not stay in the house while the rest of us went on vacation.
He's angry and bitter and blaming and bringing up every failure I ever had in life as I write this. A minute ago I told him that he could stay until Dec 18 the longest--but if he were going to be unpleasant, he could leave right now.
He's now smoldering. He'll take it out on his younger brother; he'll steal and break things covertly.
I'm so tired. I just can't do this any more. I have been dealing with an substance abuser and dysfunction for 20 years. My kids father is a dyed in the wool alcoholic. We broke up in 1997 and there was a huge custody fight in 2001 when he found a rich girlfriend to finance it. He left me and the kids absolutely destitute. Thank goodness my mother helped.
I rebuilt my life and have a good job with decent pay. Then I married again. Another alcoholic, a morning vodka drinker who knew how much i hated drinking and who hid it until after the wedding. He also hid his jaw dropping momma boy problems. If I told you what really went on, you wouldn't believe me. If there's one thing worse than an end stage alcoholic, it's an alcoholic with mommy issues and a budding psychopath for a kid.
I divorced him in 2009 in a divorce he made as difficult as possible. I was left with bankruptcy and foreclosure and post traumatic stress syndrome. I cry all the time. Not that I want him back but from the ptss and loneliness and the destruction of my life at age 50 is almost more than I can stand. I rebuilt in 2001, now I'm doing it again.
I have almost no family support. There's a feeling from my mother that if I were nicer or more sympathetic or more supportive or more patient I wouldn't have had these divorces. She knows nothing about living with a family member who has abuse problems. Everything that is written about living with an alcoholic or a pothead (which my kid is) on this site has been absolutely true in my life: the same lies, the same arguments, the same blameshifting. But she thinks niceness can fix it.
My brother last summer when he heard about my son running off mid vacation said, "Well, what's being done about his pot smoking". He said it in a demanding, judgmental way. I almost wanted to say, "Why nothing at all, is pot smoking a problem."
I've been dealing with it for SIX years with just this kid, and 14 more year with two husbands I so stupidly saddled myself with. I'm paying the price, I'm the one in bankruptcy and foreclosure at age 50, does he really think I don't know these are problems and I'm doing nothing about it?
My mother came up with an idea: she'd pay for counseling for him and for me. She said she would do it because she'd be devastated, absolutely devastated, if anything happened to him. I couldn't believe it. Did she think I wouldn't be? That I'd just shrug off my son's death or suicide with, oh well, easy come easy go?
I couldn't get him to go to counseling, but I go, and I pay for my own. She's always giving me advice to MAKE him do this or that, make this call, take him by the hand and do this or that for him, put him in this program, put him in that, have him audition here or there, have him apply for this or maybe do that career option. She hasn't a clue, and I feel judged that I'm not able to fix him for her. If I'd just try harder....
I cry every day. In the evening after the evening news I go in the car and I drive around and cry and cry until I want to throw up. I've been doing this since October last year, and daily since Feb. I'm glad it's dark now; it's easier to do it in the dark.
But they really believe I'm the insensitive hardazs who just throws him out for petty reasons and am not trying to help him. I call my mother, I call my brother, I call my cousin and ask how they are. Never do any of them call me. Since summer my sister in law has written weekly friendly notes on FB to my son; she's never written one to me. Never, NEVER since I got divorced has any one of my families members asked me, "How are you? Are you doing ok?" In fact, my mother kept trying to persuade me to give my ex, the alcoholic momma's boy one, another chance. She's also told me that I should never marry again, I 'don't do marriage well'--an ironic thing since she is her husband's fourth wife.
I dread the holidays and wish I wasn't going up there. On my mother's urging I bought my pothead son a plane ticket. It cost $461 and she said she'd reimburse me, but I doubt she will. And maybe he'll go or maybe he won't. Either way I'll be blamed. If he goes he'll find some way to stress out the holidays; He ruined last Tgiving 2011, both his brother's birthdays and my bday this summer, summer vacation 2011, mother's day 2011 and 2010 and Xmas 2010.
I want him gone; the week and a half he was gone last summer were so nice. It's hard to describe how stressful he is to be around with his sulking and passive aggressiveness and lying. My other two sons and I were closer. The house was cleaner.
Is 3 weeks enough time to give him to seek a job and alternate housing. Should I give him some money to start off on? Is there a better way to get this kid out of my house?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Since your mom and family knows what's best and how to fix him, they can take him in when you evict him (the sooner the better). They won't have to worry at all that way. Heck, I'd be sorely tempted to change his ticket to a one way and let them all work it out 
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, I think you are doing exactly the right thing.....time for the grown man to take care of himself. My husband had to kick out his then 27yo son who is addicted to alcohol and anything else he can get his hands on. You deserve a peaceful and happy home, and your son is a grown man who is going to have to learn to sink or swim just like every other adult on this planet.
I know the next couple of days/weeks are going to be rough. Huge hugs to you, come and vent here anytime you want!
I know the next couple of days/weeks are going to be rough. Huge hugs to you, come and vent here anytime you want!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Don't give him ANYTHING else except directions to your front door and tell him to lock it on the way out.
Everything you are giving him is helping to prolong the state he is in. This includes money, housing, plane tickets and advice. He has already shown utter disdain for everything you have done for him. Show him the door and let him grow up unless you want to be doing all of this for the next 20 years - provided the stress doesn't get to you first.
Please for your own good show him the curb. Give him no more than your best wishes. And then get to Al-Anon.
Everything you are giving him is helping to prolong the state he is in. This includes money, housing, plane tickets and advice. He has already shown utter disdain for everything you have done for him. Show him the door and let him grow up unless you want to be doing all of this for the next 20 years - provided the stress doesn't get to you first.
Please for your own good show him the curb. Give him no more than your best wishes. And then get to Al-Anon.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The hardest thing I ever did was to make my son leave...actually, he made himself leave because he was disrespectful, stole from me and used drugs while living in my home...much like your son.
If we allow ourselves to live with the insanity of active addiction, we go down with them. I did. My life and sanity was hanging by a thread when I finally surrendered and found my own recovery. I could no longer live in his addiction and my recovery at the same time. Meetings helped me, actually they saved my life. And SR has kept me on a good path ever since, almost 10 years now.
My son is still lost in his addiction, missing many years now. So each morning I say a prayer and give his care to God and then I live my day well, knowing He can do for my son what I cannot. I discovered faith was the antidote to fear.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. What others say and what your son thinks are all muddled because they don't know what you know and haven't lived what you live.
Find your own peace, dear, and maybe one day your son will find his, He is the only one who can do that. We can't buy it for them, or cry it for them, or wish until our hearts hurt for them. We can only love them enough to let go and let them find it for themselves. We love them, but as I was once told, we could love them right into the grave if we don't let go.
Hugs
If we allow ourselves to live with the insanity of active addiction, we go down with them. I did. My life and sanity was hanging by a thread when I finally surrendered and found my own recovery. I could no longer live in his addiction and my recovery at the same time. Meetings helped me, actually they saved my life. And SR has kept me on a good path ever since, almost 10 years now.
My son is still lost in his addiction, missing many years now. So each morning I say a prayer and give his care to God and then I live my day well, knowing He can do for my son what I cannot. I discovered faith was the antidote to fear.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. What others say and what your son thinks are all muddled because they don't know what you know and haven't lived what you live.
Find your own peace, dear, and maybe one day your son will find his, He is the only one who can do that. We can't buy it for them, or cry it for them, or wish until our hearts hurt for them. We can only love them enough to let go and let them find it for themselves. We love them, but as I was once told, we could love them right into the grave if we don't let go.
Hugs
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
tiredandspent - i was ready to throw him out half way through your post - i am so glad you have found this supportive, compassionate place - if your family cannot seem to figure it out then come here and let us be your family - prayers will go up for you especially - i will also be praying that your son and your family can wake up to the addiction issues - blessings
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Your perceptions about your family's intentions obviously cause you significant anxiety. You dread the ucoming holiday visit. So why oh why are you going?
Your son sounds like a big ole baby who knows all the right buttons to push to get you to cave in. Can you give serious consideration to giving him the gift of dignity to figure out his own life? He has not experienced any consequences associatiated with is own failure to take advantage of so many opportunities. The more you do, the more he remains stuck and dependent. He has no shot at becoming a responsible and funcioning adult until he experiences the consequences of his own choices and laziness.
So this holiday season, how bout giving him the gift of dignity to experience the consequences, even if it means he's tantruming like a 2 year old on your front lawn.
You gave him a deadline to move out or be put out. No reason for this to turn into a big ole drama. It's his choice to seek employment and alternative living arrangements, or not. Absolutely no need for you to give him a cent.
Use your time, energy and financial respurces to seek professional help for yourself. You have been through some tough times and your codependency is in full bloom. Learning to set and maintain boundaries for yourself is critical to your own satisfaction with your own life.
This tough love thing is hard work because it requires us to be tough on ourselves and cease doing what has become second nature, trying to fix other people. Work the program you want your son to work.
Change you locks and be preapared to call the Police if he attempts to break in or cause further damage.
Your son sounds like a big ole baby who knows all the right buttons to push to get you to cave in. Can you give serious consideration to giving him the gift of dignity to figure out his own life? He has not experienced any consequences associatiated with is own failure to take advantage of so many opportunities. The more you do, the more he remains stuck and dependent. He has no shot at becoming a responsible and funcioning adult until he experiences the consequences of his own choices and laziness.
So this holiday season, how bout giving him the gift of dignity to experience the consequences, even if it means he's tantruming like a 2 year old on your front lawn.
You gave him a deadline to move out or be put out. No reason for this to turn into a big ole drama. It's his choice to seek employment and alternative living arrangements, or not. Absolutely no need for you to give him a cent.
Use your time, energy and financial respurces to seek professional help for yourself. You have been through some tough times and your codependency is in full bloom. Learning to set and maintain boundaries for yourself is critical to your own satisfaction with your own life.
This tough love thing is hard work because it requires us to be tough on ourselves and cease doing what has become second nature, trying to fix other people. Work the program you want your son to work.
Change you locks and be preapared to call the Police if he attempts to break in or cause further damage.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi TiredAndSpent,
Your son is almost 22. I have some experience doing ALL the things you describe, and more. The die is cast, unfortunately.
Your son has shown what he is going to do. No amount of counseling, whining, cajoling, begging, pleading -- nothing is going to change what he is going to do, except HIM. You can't do anything. Lord knows you've tried.
You have a decision to make. You keep this kid in your life, knowing he is who he is. You give him as much as you feel you can, knowing there will be nothing "in return" for you. Don't expect it. Accept that he is this person you see standing before you, and forget trying to change anything about him. You can't. You. Just. Can't. Period.
The other choice you can make is to eliminate him from your life. Remove all support. Don't respond to his calls. Banish him, so to speak. That's tough, but people do it, often after they have come to the end of their own sanity, as a survival technique.
I did the former, after fighting to fix things for a LONG time. I finally gave up, and let the kid be.
Eventually the kid becomes a full blown adult, and at some point you do have to let him be. Whether he is in your life any more or not, that's the balance of nature and parenthood. Otherwise, you end up with a 40 year old in your home, sleeping on your couch.
I couldn't live without my kids in my life. Eventually mine became productive, interesting, and lovely human beings. Sometimes the gift is in letting go. I do wish you luck. This is very painful.
FT
Your son is almost 22. I have some experience doing ALL the things you describe, and more. The die is cast, unfortunately.
Your son has shown what he is going to do. No amount of counseling, whining, cajoling, begging, pleading -- nothing is going to change what he is going to do, except HIM. You can't do anything. Lord knows you've tried.
You have a decision to make. You keep this kid in your life, knowing he is who he is. You give him as much as you feel you can, knowing there will be nothing "in return" for you. Don't expect it. Accept that he is this person you see standing before you, and forget trying to change anything about him. You can't. You. Just. Can't. Period.
The other choice you can make is to eliminate him from your life. Remove all support. Don't respond to his calls. Banish him, so to speak. That's tough, but people do it, often after they have come to the end of their own sanity, as a survival technique.
I did the former, after fighting to fix things for a LONG time. I finally gave up, and let the kid be.
Eventually the kid becomes a full blown adult, and at some point you do have to let him be. Whether he is in your life any more or not, that's the balance of nature and parenthood. Otherwise, you end up with a 40 year old in your home, sleeping on your couch.
I couldn't live without my kids in my life. Eventually mine became productive, interesting, and lovely human beings. Sometimes the gift is in letting go. I do wish you luck. This is very painful.
FT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
Well, he's wavering between bitterness/sulking and being very agreeable.
Last night he went out to practice, a good thing since he's very close to getting a $45k (to start) job the next time they hold auditions. I really want this for him; it's a corporation that would provide his housing, medical, income, etc... for an entire career without him having to do drug tests or have a degree. The average a person makes about $70K in this organization after about 10 years. So he'd be out of my house, well cared for, doing something he loves.
It's good he went to practice because his deal all along has been he can't work towards this goal if he has to work fulltime like everyone else. It's ********, but I was willing to let him slack if he stayed off the drugs and was pleasant around the house and did the dishes. There's never been a better deal. But he blew it many times. So Dec 18th he's out. If he can figure out where to buy pot, he can figure out how to keep pursuing his dream. And if he can't, well... there will be other auditions next year and next decade etc...
I have spent thousands and thousand prepping him for this (took him to an audition in Vegas a couple months ago for $2000), and I'll never get any credit for the help I've given to make it possible. Granted he's talented and works hard for it, but he couldn't have if I hadn't started him on lesson when he was a kid and made it possible for him to develop the talent. Doing dishes and being nice in the household is not too much to ask.
Last night after practice he came in and said, "Funny how of all the people who know me, you think the least of me."
"It's because I know you the best, I've invested the most in you, I've loved you more than anyone else in your life, I've paid more attention, and I've been the most disappointed. Don't confuse indifference with approval."
And he went on and on about how everyone likes him, eveyone thinks this, everyone thinks that...blah, blah...
And yet, the last time I threw him out none of them, NONE of them were willing to give him a couch to sleep on until he 'got on his feet'. Hmmmmm....
But he's also been friendly, personable and agreeable. Today. However, it's now 1:10pm and he's sleeping. Not looking for a job (altho he did work on his audition tape this morning), not getting his scooter fixed (it needs a new belt) so he can find work (but why fix the scooter when a friend lent him a car for the weekend?), not doing the last of the Tgiving dishes. He's planning on going to a friend's house to watch football.
I'm going to be pissed if he leaves without putting another load in the dishwasher. I hate this waiting/watching/should I remind feeling. I will not remind. But if he doesn't all I can do it do it myself, throw him out or nag. Stupid choices all.
21 more days.
I don't know if he's going to do dishes. I don't know if he's going to take me seriously abt moving out (and I will get the police involved if I have too, I did before when he took my car). I don't know if he's going to go to his grandmothers for Xmas or not.
Oh... I have a security clearance. I have periodic reinvestigations where they talk to neighbors. I don't need the investigators hearing from the neighbors that there's potsmokers coming from my house or from a household member. I told him this. He said, "I don't care if you lose your job since you don't care if I lose my dreams or not. It's all the same to me."
I'm so done with him.
When I got on Xmas vacation, there will be different locks, and all the windows will have power bars holding them down, and I will talk to the police beforehand who patrol the neighborhood that no one, not even my son who uses this address on his expired driver's license, is to be in the house. My son's legal residence registered with the DMV has been his place of work since May 24th. He has no right to be here. If he comes in while I'm gone, he's to go to jail.
I hate doing this, but I have to. I'm going to. 21 more days.
Last night he went out to practice, a good thing since he's very close to getting a $45k (to start) job the next time they hold auditions. I really want this for him; it's a corporation that would provide his housing, medical, income, etc... for an entire career without him having to do drug tests or have a degree. The average a person makes about $70K in this organization after about 10 years. So he'd be out of my house, well cared for, doing something he loves.
It's good he went to practice because his deal all along has been he can't work towards this goal if he has to work fulltime like everyone else. It's ********, but I was willing to let him slack if he stayed off the drugs and was pleasant around the house and did the dishes. There's never been a better deal. But he blew it many times. So Dec 18th he's out. If he can figure out where to buy pot, he can figure out how to keep pursuing his dream. And if he can't, well... there will be other auditions next year and next decade etc...
I have spent thousands and thousand prepping him for this (took him to an audition in Vegas a couple months ago for $2000), and I'll never get any credit for the help I've given to make it possible. Granted he's talented and works hard for it, but he couldn't have if I hadn't started him on lesson when he was a kid and made it possible for him to develop the talent. Doing dishes and being nice in the household is not too much to ask.
Last night after practice he came in and said, "Funny how of all the people who know me, you think the least of me."
"It's because I know you the best, I've invested the most in you, I've loved you more than anyone else in your life, I've paid more attention, and I've been the most disappointed. Don't confuse indifference with approval."
And he went on and on about how everyone likes him, eveyone thinks this, everyone thinks that...blah, blah...
And yet, the last time I threw him out none of them, NONE of them were willing to give him a couch to sleep on until he 'got on his feet'. Hmmmmm....
But he's also been friendly, personable and agreeable. Today. However, it's now 1:10pm and he's sleeping. Not looking for a job (altho he did work on his audition tape this morning), not getting his scooter fixed (it needs a new belt) so he can find work (but why fix the scooter when a friend lent him a car for the weekend?), not doing the last of the Tgiving dishes. He's planning on going to a friend's house to watch football.
I'm going to be pissed if he leaves without putting another load in the dishwasher. I hate this waiting/watching/should I remind feeling. I will not remind. But if he doesn't all I can do it do it myself, throw him out or nag. Stupid choices all.
21 more days.
I don't know if he's going to do dishes. I don't know if he's going to take me seriously abt moving out (and I will get the police involved if I have too, I did before when he took my car). I don't know if he's going to go to his grandmothers for Xmas or not.
Oh... I have a security clearance. I have periodic reinvestigations where they talk to neighbors. I don't need the investigators hearing from the neighbors that there's potsmokers coming from my house or from a household member. I told him this. He said, "I don't care if you lose your job since you don't care if I lose my dreams or not. It's all the same to me."
I'm so done with him.
When I got on Xmas vacation, there will be different locks, and all the windows will have power bars holding them down, and I will talk to the police beforehand who patrol the neighborhood that no one, not even my son who uses this address on his expired driver's license, is to be in the house. My son's legal residence registered with the DMV has been his place of work since May 24th. He has no right to be here. If he comes in while I'm gone, he's to go to jail.
I hate doing this, but I have to. I'm going to. 21 more days.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
There is no law that says you have to give him 21 more days. If those 21 days are going to be filled with his pissy attitude and talking to you like you're dog crap on his shoe, you have every right to inform him that his time is up.
The thing about giving someone like that a time limit is that they very rarely ever do anything about where they're going to live and how they're going to eat until the very last minute, if they do it at all. It just gives them more time to make you miserable. You do not have to put up with it.
The thing about giving someone like that a time limit is that they very rarely ever do anything about where they're going to live and how they're going to eat until the very last minute, if they do it at all. It just gives them more time to make you miserable. You do not have to put up with it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I have a sister who has a motto: "Why delay the inevitable". It comes in very useful, all the time. It sounds to me like it is more miserable and annoying and energy-draining to "wait/watch/nag" him to do the dishes than to just do them yourself.
I love my kitchen, I love my dishes, and doing dishes can be very meditative. The kitchen is a sacred space, it nourishes, it is a creative place. Why let him destroy the serenity of your home? Why is a man of 22 assigned chores like a child.
Inevitably you want the dishes done. Let him go, be done, do them yourself.
Inevitably you know you want him out of your house. Let him go. Be done.
If you, for whatever reason you hold on to, decide to let him stay until the 18th...then that is the inevitable. In the meantime take control of your own life, enjoy your kitchen.
The pothead will sleep as late as he wants to. He will sulk as much as he wants to.
Sounds like an devil-on-your-back baby Huey to me.
Don't take the bait. DETACH!!!!!!!!!! It's not YOUR life that is getting slept and sulked away. It is your problem if the neighbor cop notices the pot.
I don't know why you have to wait. The 18th is not some magical date.
I love my kitchen, I love my dishes, and doing dishes can be very meditative. The kitchen is a sacred space, it nourishes, it is a creative place. Why let him destroy the serenity of your home? Why is a man of 22 assigned chores like a child.
Inevitably you want the dishes done. Let him go, be done, do them yourself.
Inevitably you know you want him out of your house. Let him go. Be done.
If you, for whatever reason you hold on to, decide to let him stay until the 18th...then that is the inevitable. In the meantime take control of your own life, enjoy your kitchen.
The pothead will sleep as late as he wants to. He will sulk as much as he wants to.
Sounds like an devil-on-your-back baby Huey to me.
Don't take the bait. DETACH!!!!!!!!!! It's not YOUR life that is getting slept and sulked away. It is your problem if the neighbor cop notices the pot.
I don't know why you have to wait. The 18th is not some magical date.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
tired and spent...
no wonder, your post is exhausting, EVERY little detail of his life...down to the belt on the scooter. who cares?! You are hyper-focused on HIS life. When, and if, he leaves you won't know what to do! He is driving you crazy...but you are attached to it. He has control over you...DETACH!
no wonder, your post is exhausting, EVERY little detail of his life...down to the belt on the scooter. who cares?! You are hyper-focused on HIS life. When, and if, he leaves you won't know what to do! He is driving you crazy...but you are attached to it. He has control over you...DETACH!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
By law in this state, my hubby had to give his son 30-days written notice of the "eviction" because son was an adult and the relationship, legally, was one of tenant/landlord. I know the countdown routine well.
Hugs and prayers of support! HG
Hugs and prayers of support! HG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
PS...it isn't your fault
my XABF came from the biggest mansion on the hill, his family is made up of doctors, professors, and the like. they are all responsible, educated, kind, fun, creative...AWAKE to the best parts of life. You just don't know why some of us can't quite get it (YET).
Let him go and pray for him...God loves him more than you do.
my XABF came from the biggest mansion on the hill, his family is made up of doctors, professors, and the like. they are all responsible, educated, kind, fun, creative...AWAKE to the best parts of life. You just don't know why some of us can't quite get it (YET).
Let him go and pray for him...God loves him more than you do.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
True, hydrogirl, it depends on the state. However, it was mentioned that he does not use their home address as his legal address and hasn't for several months. That could be beneficial to the OP IF the state in which they reside does view it as a landlord/tenant situation.
In any case, I agree with leslie; go ahead and do the dishes yourself. You are the one bothered by them not being done. Go ahead and do the things you gave him as "chores," as an example that you are done waiting on him to do anything and are preparing to live life as if he weren't even there.
In any case, I agree with leslie; go ahead and do the dishes yourself. You are the one bothered by them not being done. Go ahead and do the things you gave him as "chores," as an example that you are done waiting on him to do anything and are preparing to live life as if he weren't even there.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
I have spent thousands and thousand prepping him for this (took him to an audition in Vegas a couple months ago for $2000), and I'll never get any credit for the help I've given to make it possible. Granted he's talented and works hard for it, but he couldn't have if I hadn't started him on lesson when he was a kid and made it possible for him to develop the talent.
wow. that sounds like you were expecting a return on YOUR investment, instead of giving your child opportunities and letting him grow into his own person. like you tried to mold him into someone he isn't and he is not living up to your expectations to the point you almost discredit his own talents, talent he would have regardless.
"It's because I know you the best, I've invested the most in you, I've loved you more than anyone else in your life, I've paid more attention, and I've been the most disappointed. Don't confuse indifference with approval. what a lot of pressure and condemnation to put on a kid. my mother was hugely disappointed in me and she also let me know it. and i too acted out.......i mean why not? you're already disappointed that i didn't turn out the way you want so screw it.......
let him go live his life the way HE sees fit. let him find his own way. quit directing. focus that investment in yourself. exceed your own expectations about how to live your own life.
wow. that sounds like you were expecting a return on YOUR investment, instead of giving your child opportunities and letting him grow into his own person. like you tried to mold him into someone he isn't and he is not living up to your expectations to the point you almost discredit his own talents, talent he would have regardless.
"It's because I know you the best, I've invested the most in you, I've loved you more than anyone else in your life, I've paid more attention, and I've been the most disappointed. Don't confuse indifference with approval. what a lot of pressure and condemnation to put on a kid. my mother was hugely disappointed in me and she also let me know it. and i too acted out.......i mean why not? you're already disappointed that i didn't turn out the way you want so screw it.......
let him go live his life the way HE sees fit. let him find his own way. quit directing. focus that investment in yourself. exceed your own expectations about how to live your own life.
Look, your post could have been MY post 18 years ago. Almost exactly. Your son WILL grow up into the man he is destined to be, despite your efforts, not because of them.
FT
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: in the tree tops
Posts: 209
Is there such a thing as 30 day notice if the tenant is doing illegal drugs? I think not. I know it might sound mean, mom, but if I was you I would tell him, pack your stuff and get out or I am calling the cops about your pot. He will get mad, he might call you names or accuse you of not supporting, loving, caring about him. But he is taking advantage of you and treating you like crap. And your letting him. Please. Save yourself.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello tiredandspent,
Forgive me if my post seemed to suggest that you had to wait until next month before getting your son to leave. I only meant to be empathetic to your current situation. Certainly, it seems to me as though it would be better for both you and your son if he were to be on his own ASAP.
I only speak from my own experience about being required to provide an eviction notice. My stepson was using crack at the time and was aggresive and threatening. We were afraid he would not leave on his own or might attack his father. In order for the police to be involved in removing him bag and baggage if need be, an eviction notice was required and had to be filed through the local magistrate. I hope very much that you will not be burdened with the same situation.
Good luck as you move forward.
HG
Forgive me if my post seemed to suggest that you had to wait until next month before getting your son to leave. I only meant to be empathetic to your current situation. Certainly, it seems to me as though it would be better for both you and your son if he were to be on his own ASAP.
I only speak from my own experience about being required to provide an eviction notice. My stepson was using crack at the time and was aggresive and threatening. We were afraid he would not leave on his own or might attack his father. In order for the police to be involved in removing him bag and baggage if need be, an eviction notice was required and had to be filed through the local magistrate. I hope very much that you will not be burdened with the same situation.
Good luck as you move forward.
HG
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
GUILT is hard...being a mom is hard...
please find an NAR ANON group or an AL ANON group to help you..give them 6 meetings..and if you dont like one meeting group, go to another..and keep going...IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT...
god bless...and hold your head high mom...you did all you can for your child, now let him go and let him grow on his own 2 feet...
please find an NAR ANON group or an AL ANON group to help you..give them 6 meetings..and if you dont like one meeting group, go to another..and keep going...IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT...
god bless...and hold your head high mom...you did all you can for your child, now let him go and let him grow on his own 2 feet...
Your post have been very helpful to me.
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