LifeIsCake

I need help with a “situation” I’m having. I’m going to TRY to be to the point. My only sister and I have never gotten along, we’re both in our late 30’s. We are like opposite ends of the spectrum. She can be cruel, selfish and hateful without any warning. She will say what she wants, do what she wants, cut you off and then just start things back up out of the blue like nothing ever happened. She will pick a fight over nothing just so she can be mad at you and exert her “power”. She’s like this mostly with me and my mom and it’s gone on as long as I can remember.

Anyway, I started drinking in 2006 and after my first DUI in 2007 I have made numerous and unsuccessful attempts to remain sober. I racked up another DUI in 2010 but I now have 385 days of sobriety. My sister cut me off almost two years ago, completely and though I haven’t missed the drama with her I’ve missed my 9yo niece, my 3yo niece and have never seen my 1yo nephew. She even cut my parents off for a while after picking a fight with my mom. She has made up lies about me and about my mom to justify her behavior and actions. The main ones being that I spoke to my ex-husband who interfered in her custody case of my oldest niece and that my mom abused her as a child. I could totally understand if she said “I’m sorry you’re an alcoholic, but I can’t have you around my family,” but she chose to lie. Fast forward….she “forgave” my mother sometime back and mom wants so much to hang on to the grandchildren that she’s let things go back to the way they were. My sister called the house yesterday (I live with my parents right now) to work out details for dinner at her house on Saturday. My mom came in my room handing me the phone saying my sister wanted to talk to me. I must have given my mom a WTF look when I shook my head no at her. Of course I asked why when my mom was off the phone and she said that my sister wanted to invite me to dinner on Saturday.

I have spent the last 18 months trying not to remember that I have family I can’t see, that I have nieces and a nephew I won’t see grow up except in the pictures my mom brings home. My mom wants me to be the better person, AGAIN, go to dinner and let things go. I just can’t bring myself to go, I don’t want to deal with my sister and I don’t want to get any more emotionally attached when I know she will yank things away again at the drop of a hat.

Any advice on this? I would appreciate any thoughts.

Thanks, J

EmeraldRose

So don't go. You have choices. You made a choice to stop drinking and that puts you in control of your life. Keep control over your life.

I made a choice not to associate with a cousin (my only female cousin on the paternal side) She is a swing mood psycho who drinks too much (Im one to talk LOL) but I get tired of her drama so I just don't associate with her any more. I haven't talked to her for over 10 years.

I understand you haven't seen your neices/nephews and that is sad -maybe you can offer to take the kids out for lunch or to a park (without her) and rekindle a relationship with them without her influences.

LifeIsCake

Hi EmeraldRose,

Thanks for the input. I would love to take the kids out but she would never let me do that. As of right now, she won't even let me talk to them on the phone. I am leaning towards the not going.

J

DarrenW

Wow, what a tough decision. I cant speak for yourself, but I would be inclined to go. I would tell her the conditions in advance (I will be treated with respect-totally or I am out of there for good). If she cant accept that then I certainly would not go.

1undone

I probably would have spoken to her on the phone as that would have told my guts what to do. Now you are left wondering. If you did go don't be like me and have to stay if it gets nasty - drive yourself! I just think the phone convo would tell you a lot. Jmo

wpainterw

Could it be that your sister is either consciously or subconsciously trying to derail your sobriety (incidentally congratulations on that!). My inclination is that it might be best for you to distance yourself from your sister a bit for a few years until you feel a little more comfortable and then make sure that you don't buy into blaming yourself for stuff which is really her problem, not yours. You can't straighten her out. Only she can do that. All you can do is say to her, "I'd really like to relate to you on a non judgmental basis. We can get along together if we work on that. I really hope we can!"

W.