Not Feeling Good
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Randolph NJ
Posts: 70
Not Feeling Good
Hello-
I've posted here a couple of times, but this is the first time I've been down in the dumps and asking for help/advice. I've been sober for about 15 months now, seemed to be going strong. Went out on my first sober date on Saturday and it was a great experience, the girl e-mailed me back and said she just wanted to be friends, which is OK, I didn't expect much.
Still getting into an emotional situation where I have to share things about myself with new people has brought up a ton of insecurities. I feel like a total loser. I am 36 living with my parents due to getting out of financial destruction of my drinking. I have very few friends that I can actually see and hang with, they are all married busy as hell and have given up on me despite my new found ways. We had Thanksgiving dinner and now that I am sober I can see how they probably have perceived me for a long time now as a loser. It's getting really difficult for me to do this on my own with little or no familial support.
I really feel like giving up and going on a huge bender and destroying some serious s**t. Maybe I am just destined to be a loner but any advice from you guys would be great. Thanks.
I've posted here a couple of times, but this is the first time I've been down in the dumps and asking for help/advice. I've been sober for about 15 months now, seemed to be going strong. Went out on my first sober date on Saturday and it was a great experience, the girl e-mailed me back and said she just wanted to be friends, which is OK, I didn't expect much.
Still getting into an emotional situation where I have to share things about myself with new people has brought up a ton of insecurities. I feel like a total loser. I am 36 living with my parents due to getting out of financial destruction of my drinking. I have very few friends that I can actually see and hang with, they are all married busy as hell and have given up on me despite my new found ways. We had Thanksgiving dinner and now that I am sober I can see how they probably have perceived me for a long time now as a loser. It's getting really difficult for me to do this on my own with little or no familial support.
I really feel like giving up and going on a huge bender and destroying some serious s**t. Maybe I am just destined to be a loner but any advice from you guys would be great. Thanks.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
For me, in many ways quitting drinking was the easy bit.
It took me a long time to work on myself and all the baggage I had - all the things I tried to drink away.
Some of that is still ongoing with me - I hope there'll alwsys be room for improvement while I'm still breathing lol....
stick with it Yo
I think anyone rebuilding their life, reentering the dating world, and dealing with disappointment - that's gonna be tough.
It's ok to feel blue sometimes - it's a natural part of life...we feel blue, we feel better, and we move on
I don't think you're destined to be a loner
You know a drink won't fix anything anyway - it's the fix we used to use when actually dealing with our problems was too hard.
It's not too hard anymore - we can do it - it just takes a little time and patience
D
It took me a long time to work on myself and all the baggage I had - all the things I tried to drink away.
Some of that is still ongoing with me - I hope there'll alwsys be room for improvement while I'm still breathing lol....
stick with it Yo
I think anyone rebuilding their life, reentering the dating world, and dealing with disappointment - that's gonna be tough.
It's ok to feel blue sometimes - it's a natural part of life...we feel blue, we feel better, and we move on
I don't think you're destined to be a loner
You know a drink won't fix anything anyway - it's the fix we used to use when actually dealing with our problems was too hard.
It's not too hard anymore - we can do it - it just takes a little time and patience
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: In a Good Place
Posts: 484
Sorry to hear you are down today. Rebuilding trust has to be hard, dating even harder. Perhaps you can try to get involved in some charity work. I bet you will make friends and, who knows, meet that special someone. You'll feel good about yourself as well. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Philly PA
Posts: 814
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time - I'm so new to recovery I don't think I can be much help. I am so impressed by people like you though. People who are willing to stick to it and commit to making themselves better.
You may not feel like it right now but you're an inspiration. I hope you feel better better tonight.
You may not feel like it right now but you're an inspiration. I hope you feel better better tonight.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
I'm sorry that you're feeling down.
You are not a loser. You are dealing with addiction and doing really well. Be very proud of yourself for that.
And, be proud that you went on your first sober date. That had to be hard to do, but you did it and had a good time.
I believe that volunteering can be a saviour for people. Look around your community and see what you can do to offer help to an organzation or group of people that need support. You can meet new people and improve your well-being.
You are not a loser. You are dealing with addiction and doing really well. Be very proud of yourself for that.
And, be proud that you went on your first sober date. That had to be hard to do, but you did it and had a good time.
I believe that volunteering can be a saviour for people. Look around your community and see what you can do to offer help to an organzation or group of people that need support. You can meet new people and improve your well-being.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
It sounds like you're taking on a lot of thoughts at once and it's overwhelming you. I know those days, too - it's like everything you think about just adds to the negative feeling and before you know it, you have a mountain of stuff that just feels bad.
It's hard to get out of that mindset, I know, but it helps me when I start looking at the positive side of things. You have your sobriety, parents that can take you in so you can get back on your feet, and just went on your first date sober! You have half your life ahead of you whereas a lot of us drank into our 40's, 50's or beyond.....
Remember that moods don't last and you'll be so glad in another day or two that you got through this. Sometimes things even seem really bad before we make a new breakthrough. So just focus on getting through the rest of day. You never know if something really good could happen tomorrow - don't miss it!
It's hard to get out of that mindset, I know, but it helps me when I start looking at the positive side of things. You have your sobriety, parents that can take you in so you can get back on your feet, and just went on your first date sober! You have half your life ahead of you whereas a lot of us drank into our 40's, 50's or beyond.....
Remember that moods don't last and you'll be so glad in another day or two that you got through this. Sometimes things even seem really bad before we make a new breakthrough. So just focus on getting through the rest of day. You never know if something really good could happen tomorrow - don't miss it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I've been sober quite a while and it took me time to figure out dating. I don't share that I'm a recovering alcoholic (20 years) until the third or fourth date and I never talk about things I did while I drank. I suggest on the first few dates just keep it light and let her talk about yourself. I also learned to listen to what my date says...
There's a saying: Alcoholism is a three-fold disease: Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. It's very common to feel down around the holidays and I suggest just letting it pass. Or, get to a meeting and share about it. It gets dark earlier which can make us blue so go out in the sunshine as much as possible.
You have NO idea what other people think. In all likelihood it's you as a sober person who deserves a lot of admiration for turning his life around. Actually, what I learned after getting sober is that people don't really think about me at all....they think about themselves as I do
There's a saying: Alcoholism is a three-fold disease: Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. It's very common to feel down around the holidays and I suggest just letting it pass. Or, get to a meeting and share about it. It gets dark earlier which can make us blue so go out in the sunshine as much as possible.
You have NO idea what other people think. In all likelihood it's you as a sober person who deserves a lot of admiration for turning his life around. Actually, what I learned after getting sober is that people don't really think about me at all....they think about themselves as I do
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
I'm so sorry you're feeling like that. 
I hate that hopeless/nothing changes/depressed spiral. I think Darren had some really good advice regarding the charity work. Volunteering can lead to friendships...
One thing for sure, going on a bender won't change anything for the better.
Your sober time is impressive! That's something to be proud of and happy about.
I hate that hopeless/nothing changes/depressed spiral. I think Darren had some really good advice regarding the charity work. Volunteering can lead to friendships...One thing for sure, going on a bender won't change anything for the better.
Your sober time is impressive! That's something to be proud of and happy about.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Yo
Yes I do remember feeling that way. Just as others have already said though, these feelings will pass. You won't always be feeling these insecurities. Facing life without alcohol is hugely brave for those of us who depended on it for so long. Learning to walk without the crutch is hard at first, but each time you face the fear and do it anyway (like your first sober date) you gather little bits of success that snowball. We all have stuff that haunts us from our drinking/using past...but that was then and this is now.
You are not a loser. Do not even allow that kind of negative self talk to rent space in your head for even a moment. It serves no purpose except to bring you further down. The Buddha says "what we think, we become" so think of all the right choices you have made in the past 4 months and hold your head high...and keep becoming the person you want to be.
Yes I do remember feeling that way. Just as others have already said though, these feelings will pass. You won't always be feeling these insecurities. Facing life without alcohol is hugely brave for those of us who depended on it for so long. Learning to walk without the crutch is hard at first, but each time you face the fear and do it anyway (like your first sober date) you gather little bits of success that snowball. We all have stuff that haunts us from our drinking/using past...but that was then and this is now.
You are not a loser. Do not even allow that kind of negative self talk to rent space in your head for even a moment. It serves no purpose except to bring you further down. The Buddha says "what we think, we become" so think of all the right choices you have made in the past 4 months and hold your head high...and keep becoming the person you want to be.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
How are you a loser? it sounds like you reccognized you had a problem and worked hard upon resolving it That sounds like a winner to me. Anybody would be lucky to have you. Please don't be so hared on yorself.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
15 months sober is awesome! You've had one sober date, sounds like you had a decent enough time although you aren't going to go out with her again.
I haven't dated in a very long time, since I'm married. But if I were to find myself single again and entering the dating scene, I'd be nervous as hell on the first date. But I know I'd be a little more comfortable on the second date, even if it was with a different woman. Like most things in life, practice and experience make a huge difference. Don't be hard on yourself and drink over it, sometimes we need to take baby steps when we get sober.
I haven't dated in a very long time, since I'm married. But if I were to find myself single again and entering the dating scene, I'd be nervous as hell on the first date. But I know I'd be a little more comfortable on the second date, even if it was with a different woman. Like most things in life, practice and experience make a huge difference. Don't be hard on yourself and drink over it, sometimes we need to take baby steps when we get sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Randolph NJ
Posts: 70
Hello-
Thanks to everyone to responding, that makes me feel good. I feel a lot better today, got a good night's sleep and did not drink. I don't think drinking was ever a serious option, I was just venting a bit. Actually looking forward to working today so I can stay busy. I guess what's going on is that I haven't dealt with different emotions sober in a long time and I was a bit overwhelmed.
Staying strong and thanks again to the SR family you guys are great.
Thanks to everyone to responding, that makes me feel good. I feel a lot better today, got a good night's sleep and did not drink. I don't think drinking was ever a serious option, I was just venting a bit. Actually looking forward to working today so I can stay busy. I guess what's going on is that I haven't dealt with different emotions sober in a long time and I was a bit overwhelmed.
Staying strong and thanks again to the SR family you guys are great.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
We had Thanksgiving dinner and now that I am sober I can see how they probably have perceived me for a long time now as a loser. It's getting really difficult for me to do this on my own with little or no familial support.
I really feel like giving up and going on a huge bender and destroying some serious s**t.
I really feel like giving up and going on a huge bender and destroying some serious s**t.
Try to psyche yourself in to achieving some sort of goal. Something that inspires you, whatever it may be.
You can change your future in one split second. The second you start thinking differently. That's all it takes. The rest is just foot work.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Glad you are still sober.
What is your exit plan for your parents house? You don't have to write it here obviously but making a plan always helps me. Honestly there is nothing wrong with being a sober 'loser' as long as you're working your way to where you want to be.
What is your exit plan for your parents house? You don't have to write it here obviously but making a plan always helps me. Honestly there is nothing wrong with being a sober 'loser' as long as you're working your way to where you want to be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Randolph NJ
Posts: 70
SS-
Actually I am getting back on my feet financially, so I am looking to move out in a couple of months. I have been very, very frugal since I got sober, plus I just got a promotion at work and a big raise so that will help.
Actually I am getting back on my feet financially, so I am looking to move out in a couple of months. I have been very, very frugal since I got sober, plus I just got a promotion at work and a big raise so that will help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Missouri
Posts: 133
My situation is somewhat similar. I'm 36 don't live with my parents but am currently facingthe possibiliy of being charged with a felony and loosing my licence for a decade.
If the worst case senerio comes to pass it's hard to imagine I'll be a hot commodity on the dating scene. So I know what its like to feel like a looser it hurts and it makes it tempting have a drink to dull the pain. It also motivates me to not drink as right now its the only thing I feel I can do to better my situation. I'm nowhere near 15 months and can't even fathom where I'll be then. All I can do is wake up each new day as if it's my first day sober and tell myself "today I'll not drink".
If the worst case senerio comes to pass it's hard to imagine I'll be a hot commodity on the dating scene. So I know what its like to feel like a looser it hurts and it makes it tempting have a drink to dull the pain. It also motivates me to not drink as right now its the only thing I feel I can do to better my situation. I'm nowhere near 15 months and can't even fathom where I'll be then. All I can do is wake up each new day as if it's my first day sober and tell myself "today I'll not drink".
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