How should I deal with his mood swings?

Old 11-24-2011, 01:00 PM
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How should I deal with his mood swings?

Hi,
I am a female dating with an AA who has been sober for over four years. For over 95% of the time I am having the best relationship of my life with him; he is very caring, sweet, and affectionate. Approximately, however, once or twice, especially when he is tired or in the morning, a bad mood hits him. It happens so suddenly and he is like totally a different person; cold and distanced. After the mood is gone, he always tells me that it wasn't me who caused the bad mood and he doesn't know why the mood hits him and after that we were fine (or at least he became totally fine). Yesterday morning it happened again. I knew he was in bad mood but somewhat we managed not to mention about it and pretended that nothing had happened. We met again in the late morning and then spent the rest of the day together with his friends. At the beginning I wasn't worried too much because usually his bad mood doesn't last so long but all the time when we were with them, he was acting very distanced from me. He didn't say anything mean nor did something mean to me (he never does) but was just cold. Since he is so affectionate most of the time, him just being so distanced hurt me a lot. Then I started to think what I did wrong even though I knew he would tell me later that it was nothing that I did...and I started to get depressed. Later when we said, "Good night," I told him that I needed time to think about and was not sure if I could do this because he totally ruined my day which I was very much looking forward to. I couldn't cry or show any other feelings in front of his friends...I just pretended that I was enjoying the day as much as they were and it was hard.

I wanted to go home and think but he insisted to talk about it. As we talked he told me that he had been doing something that he really didn't enjoy just because he thought I love doing it with him. He said, "I don't want to lose you so I would do anything but it's just hard sometimes." I was like, "?!" I had never insisted him to do anything! I always ask or invite him politely if he would like to do things with me. I thought he knew how to say, "No."(because he does tell me, "No thanks," occasionally and when that happens, I never give him a fit.) It made me feel so bad, at the same time, it started to make me wonder whatelse he is doing something that he is not enjoying but doing it just because he wants to make me happy? Before, he told me that his bad moods were nothing to do with me, but is that true? Now I am scared to enjoy spending time with him. Because every time we do something, I would probably wonder if he is really enjoying it or not or when his mood would change.

He told me that when he was drinking, he never suffered from this sudden mood change. He said when the bad mood hits him, he would start to think something completely different; it's like someone took over his brain and thinks nothing but mean stuff. He also told me that things look totally different when he is in the mood even MY face!

As I mentioned in the beginning, I am almost overwhelmingly happy with him most of the time but since the gap is so significant, it makes me so scared; what if the time he is in bad mood will increase in the future?

I am still upset and can't put my thoughts together completely...but I just needed to vent to someone...

Thank you for reading...
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Old 11-24-2011, 02:37 PM
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This brings a couple of questions to my mind -- how long have you been together, and how long has he been in AA? Everyone is different, but my own husband is only mean either when he's been drinking, or when he REALLY wants a drink but doesn't have the money to go get one. Those mood swings actually sound about identical...sometimes the first hint I'd get that my AH was drinking is that he'd be talking to me perfectly fine, then I'd say something completely harmless and he'd get this cold expression on his face and say something utterly horrible. I don't know which of these might be the issue with him, or if it's something completely different...but it does sound like something to get a better feel for while you still have your own place and don't have your entire lives intertwined.

As for increasing in the future -- watch and wait is all you can really do, but if there's even a hint in your mind that he could get physically violent then get the heck out of there. My own husband is much larger and more powerful than me, and his meanness has escalated from, "Well if you ever got off your fat a-s and did anything around here..." to, "You would be doing the world a favor if you committed suicide," and, "It's a good thing I'm here, our daughter would die of neglect without me." He has drawn back like he was going to hit me a few times recently...and I can only wonder how long it'll be before he doesn't hold back anymore.

Again...everyone is different, and it may never get to that point. Maybe he just has fits of irritability sometimes, and he's only now getting acquainted with his non-drunk self. It's just something to definitely monitor, because you never know how something like that can play out.

And big virtual (((((HUGS!!)))) to you too
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Old 11-24-2011, 03:09 PM
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Hi Niobe,

I too was wondering same questions as Wywriter,?
Speaking for myself, If my suspicions were aroused,(which yours sound as though they are from your post) I knew there was something not quite right ,I listen to those voices now! ,I used to ignor them,but actually they were there to help me or save me.For me they were/are voices of some danger.Starts with something really inconsiquential.

I'd have never been able to explain that to anyone a few years ago, they, people would just think I was quite mad,and I dont let anyone talk me out of what I feel now,it starts in my head ,then down in my stomach. I call that my HP is telling me something.

All best wishes, take what you like and leave the rest
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Old 11-24-2011, 03:59 PM
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Thank you for the quick responses, wywriter and jOSE2. Actually we have been dating only half a year and we are not planning to live together for a long time since we are comfortable with our own lives and most of all, we live only few minutes away from each other.

As of now I don't see any physcial threat coming out of him. He is not that type; he has a son and I can tell he has never been violent to his son physcially. What I am afraid is that I don't want him to be stressed out and get bad mood for doing something he doesn't want to do just because he thinks thats what I want. I am not a selfish person. I feel bad that he tries too hard to please me. In a way I think it's not fair to me, either...and doesn't make sense to me. He wants to make me happy so that he does things that he doesn't want to and get into a bad mood so that he behaves distantly or coldly to me... I am not sure if this is anything to do with his alcholism...maybe it's just his personality but the way he puts it I think it is and thus I wanted to ask your (people who have experience with dealing with AA) opinion.

I will talk him again today and ask him not to do anything that he doesn't want to do just because he thinks that would make me happy (because it does not eventually make me happy)...and see how he says.

Again thank you so much for your support and a virtual hug

oh and Happy Thanksgiving!

Niobe
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Old 11-24-2011, 05:24 PM
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Hi Niobe,

Read Dry Drunk Syndrome,and that if anything similar,this is hard to see if you have only known him a short while.
I knew it well as my XAH was in and out of it for years,and can be as bad as living with an active alcoholic,some may disagree, and I could never understand why he was never happy,moods all over the place(Dry Drunk is someone who is never truly happy with sobriety)
Just a thought

Happy Thanks giving
Jose2
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Old 11-24-2011, 08:56 PM
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Maybe he is just prone to moodiness. That said, he isn't scoring points by doing something he doesn't want to do in order to make you happy and ultimately reacts by treating you badly. That's a real disconnect. Emotionally immature perhaps. Maybe it is as simple as your bf getting honest with himself and you, so when you plan activities together you are both in agreement. Truly in agreement.
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Old 11-25-2011, 12:26 PM
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I can be moody sometimes. (I'm not an alcoholic though, if it matters.) I just get quiet and I want to be by myself and read.

But we moody people need to suck it up and jolly ourselves into a good mood when the occasion calls for it, like your planned day out. It's just something we have to train ourselves to do--it's only decent! (And, um, faking a good mood can often lead to an actual good mood.)

If he agreed to an outing and then pouted all day, that's lame. And then if afterwards he "insisted" that you hear him out as he whined that he didn't want to go out in the first place--huh? That's going above and beyond moodiness and veering into manipulative.

Maybe you could have a talk with him along the lines of, "Hey, if you're feeling quiet and want some solitude, just let me know and I'll respect that. But enough with the sulkiness."
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Old 11-27-2011, 05:34 PM
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Thank you everyone for the postings. I can relate to almost all of what you have mentioned. After I posted the initial comment, I had a talk with him. I suggested that whenever he is in a bad mood, we should just spend out time separately. If the bad mood starts when we are together, he should just tell me a key word (we have decided) and I will just leave without any hurt feelings. Since the last Thursday, his mood has been very stable and we have had a wonderful Thanksgiving and fun weekend together. I hope we will learn to cope with this problem nicely and try to be happy most of the time. I will certainly check into Dry Drunk Syndrome and will also check on his blood suger level and etc. gerryP: I agree that being honest with each other is the most important key to stay happy together. He said he is always honest with me but I think he still does things that he really doesn't want to just to please me...we will work on that! akrasia: You are very right and what you have written sounds very much like what he told me the day we had a discuassion. He said, "Most of the time I don't want to try new things but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't enjoy. You have told me to try new things and so far I have enjoyed most of them so please don't stop asking me to try new things with you." I guess he needs time to be comfortable with new way of living (I would, too!). Maybe I am more easy going than he is...maybe I should be a bit more patiant and give him chance to adjust changes.

Anyways, I feel much better now and am willing to try to understand him better.

Thank you everyone!

Last edited by Niobe; 11-27-2011 at 05:47 PM. Reason: wanted to add more
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Old 11-27-2011, 06:39 PM
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He likely could use some help if he is that moody. It's no one's job but my own to manage my mood disorder. He really should see a doctor to determine whether or not there is some medical reason why he is this way. He could be hypoglycemic, etc. But you're not a doctor, right? If it were me in your situation, I would suggest he see a doctor and if the way he treats you does not get better, I would insist. Sounds to me like you are "walking on eggshells," which is a term you can Google and likely get some descriptive information on what you are experiencing with this guy.
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