Tyler312

Last week I shared that my wife died as a result of her addiction. Her problem of several years was with her prescription medicine. Unfortunately, her brain and decision-making abilities degraded to the point where one bad night she decided to try heroin (the last mistake she ever made).

I am stuck figuring out what to tell family and friends.

Her parents and sister know about the recent problems with her medicine, as well as the cause of death. My parents also know about the cause of death, but not so much about the history.

The issue is with friends (hers and mine) and more distant family (aunts, uncles).

For me, it is a story, but don't want to get into everything. I am teetering between saying she had a disease known as addiction, or saying she was making bad decisions because of her medicines and ended up trying heroin.

I think what I am scared of is people confusing what I say with "she was a junkie" or that she was somehow less of a good, kind person.

Has anyone else been in this position and had any luck?

-T

dollydo

She was an addict, who unfortunately died from her disease. That's it, no need to elaborate.

My step mother was an alcoholic, she died from her disease, basically that is what I said when questioned. She was a good person, just lost.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this and truely sorry about your loss.

lesliej

I agree with the comments above. There is too much shame in our culture around addiction, which compounds the disease AND the grief that results from untreated addiction. We can all work on trying to lessen unneeded stigma and open the discussion to the "untreated disease", it's ultimate consequence is death. In my heart there is no place for secrecy around this disease, and every time I am open about it there seems to be someone who needs to talk about it but has been to afraid to open up.
I have now officiated at three funerals for people who died from this disease and the family and friends of all were relieved that I addressed the truth, it gives people the permission to be open and honest around the cause of death, and thus more honestly grieve.

I am so sorry for your loss and pray for you to find peace. I hope you have support around you.

Diva76

How sad...
I am truly sorry for your loss....
I agree with the others...
Addiction is an illness, so that's enough right there....

Who knows? As you share this news with your friends, they may have their own stories to share with you....

useyourwords

I agree with all the above. And as Diva said, you may find supports you didn't even know you had.

My sister's boyfriend who was a part of our family (lived with my mom and sister, they had been together for years) lost his battle with addiction several years ago. We left it at that. What amazed me was the number of people who were close to us that I learned were dealing with addicts in their own families, or a history of addiction themselves. This disease is everywhere, and so many people sadly have been touched by it but feel too much shame to share until they know someone else may understand.

I am so sorry for your loss, and the holidays are such a difficult time. Wishing you strength and peace.

hello-kitty

Can you just say "health issues" and leave it at that. Maybe add "related to her drug problems" if it's someone you are close with. If they want know more, you can decide on a case by case basis. I think you'll know what's right when the time comes.

Eddiebuckle

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You might say "she died of a prescription drug overdose" - not technically the cause of death, but it was the act of habitually taking more than prescribed of medication that led to her death. You are talking about people who are peripherally involved - they are naturally curious, but deserve no further details. It is unfortunate but true that some would judge an overdose from Heroin as somehow "dirtier" than an accidental overdose of prescription drugs, but that is the reality.

Eddiebuckle

Anvil, there are some seriously clueless people walking the planet.

useyourwords

I think some people ask why because of curiousity, which could be crass. But many I think ask because they genuinely want you to know that they are comfortable talking to you about it and want you to know they are there for support. I may be biased here, because I work in grief and bereavement, but I do not think it is fair to say that asking is always (or even usually) crass. If you share that you lost your wife, and someone expresses their sympathy and then asks about the circumstance of the loss it is often their way of saying "I am comfortable continuing to talk about this if you want to", rather than being one of those people who awkwardly says they are sorry for your loss and then runs the other way as fast as possible because they are uncomfortable. If that is their intention, they will be understanding if you then say you would rather not talk about it, or give a simple answer and leave it at that.

CatsPajamas

I had a good friend and co worker whose daughter committed suicide. We talked about the best way to answer the questions... and what we came up with was: tragically. If someone asked how she died, the answer was "tragically." Not only did it sum it up in one word, it was a complete answer. No one ever asked for more information. That one word was enough.

I'm sorry for your loss. It really is tragic.

Tyler312

I think there are different reasons. I've always been pretty close to my family (aunts, uncles, and even more "distant" relatives too), so I know they care about me and are just generally curious.

A couple of her friends are harder to figure out; they seemed upset at her death and mentioned it would bring them "closure". Not sure what that means, but everyone is different I suppose.

She was only 30 and with most people not knowing about her problems her death is a bit of a shocker. Even with me knowing about everything, I never expected it to end this way.

lesliej

suicide is another death that is often "shamed".
really it is usually the result of untreated depression, that is why there are families here who have lost people they loved and then created funds which pay for billboards and bus ads which show pictures of those who have suffered and died because of the mental illness of depression.
I am willing to bet that every single person on this site knows someone who has died from depression and/or addiction. our society shames these deaths. the disease model of addiction is one of the best things that ever happened to recovery.
silence kills
shame kills
lets speak people...help those suffering from addiction and depression, who are still alive, find maybe just some tiny source of dignity when another layer of shame is peeled away.
why in the world is it considered "crass"???