Need Some Serious Help and Advice
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Need Some Serious Help and Advice
I need some advice from someone who has gone through this or is going through this:
3 weeks ago on Friday, my wife left and went to live with her mother. The day had been going good, we were planning our weekend and were getting ready to watch a movie together. For the past 4 months, she has been getting drunk every night and she was well on her way already. I asked her why she was drinking so much and she said it was the only way she could shut her mind off. I asked her what I could do to help, if we needed to get professional help we could do it. She looked at me and said that she was going to drink and I could basically deal with it or not. She then asked me what my decision was. I didn't know what to say since she had basically made her decision. She got mad and called her mother and took her clothes to her mothers house.
I left her alone on Saturday to calm down, and tried to talk with her on Sunday. She wouldn't talk. Just sent me a text saying she couldn't do it anymore and she was filing for divorce. I did all the basic things you would expect, sent her flowers, and tried to talk with her but nothing, it was like she was gone.
Here's a little more information on her:
1. Suffers from Rheumatoid Arthritis
2. Has had Gastric Bypass Surgery
3. Typically gets depressed during this period of the year
4. Has become in my opinion addicted to LoraTabs
5. Weighs about 140 and was drinking 8-10 beers a night
6. BiPolar
Over the past couple of weeks I have tried to keep my distance, only sending emails occasionally letting her know that I am here for her and that I love her. No response.
On Saturday (11/18/11) I had to put our oldest dog to sleep. I had let her know that she was hurting and that it was time, but nothing. I let her know that it had taken place on Saturday and nothing.
Finally on Tuesday (11-22-11) she tried to call me three times. I didn't take her call because I didn't think I could keep the call non-emotional. I did send her a text to see if she was okay and if she needed anything.
She texted back and said that she had "Filed the paperwork for divorce, and for me not to contest it". I replied "I See, Have a Happy Thanksgiving". She said "Yeah right, I'm doing the best that I can". I told her that I loved her and I was here for her if she needed me. She texted me back and said that I was "Too Toxic". I said "I didn't know that love could be Toxic, but that regardless i loved her and was here for her". Her last response was "Nope" which is a word she only uses when she's drunk.
Anyway, today I spent the day thinking that maybe I am Toxic. I wasn't trying to be, but the past four months it has seemed like I was more of a father than a Husband. I was always having to watch out for her and keep her safe from hurting herself. I had taken her LoraTabs and was giving them to her as they were prescribed so she wouldn't use all of them in the first 10 days (she gets 120 a month).
I'm just really confused, sitting here on Thanksgiving eve without my best friend waiting to be served divorce papers. I have been going to Counseling and it turns out the Counselor deals a lot with alcohol and drug issues which turned out to be a good thing. He said that I was dealing with the perfect storm of issues and it didn't just happen that night, it had been building and would have gone off sooner or later.
I need some advice on what to do. I have seen a lawyer, but not started anything, I have lined up an apartment, we are going to lose the house because we both contributed to the mortgage payment and now she's not. I'm seeing a counselor and I'm trying to figure out if I need to go to Al-anon if I'm going to end up divorcing her... I feel like I have been hit by a hurricane, then stomped by an Earthquake. Please advise or give me some type of feedback. Thanks,
3 weeks ago on Friday, my wife left and went to live with her mother. The day had been going good, we were planning our weekend and were getting ready to watch a movie together. For the past 4 months, she has been getting drunk every night and she was well on her way already. I asked her why she was drinking so much and she said it was the only way she could shut her mind off. I asked her what I could do to help, if we needed to get professional help we could do it. She looked at me and said that she was going to drink and I could basically deal with it or not. She then asked me what my decision was. I didn't know what to say since she had basically made her decision. She got mad and called her mother and took her clothes to her mothers house.
I left her alone on Saturday to calm down, and tried to talk with her on Sunday. She wouldn't talk. Just sent me a text saying she couldn't do it anymore and she was filing for divorce. I did all the basic things you would expect, sent her flowers, and tried to talk with her but nothing, it was like she was gone.
Here's a little more information on her:
1. Suffers from Rheumatoid Arthritis
2. Has had Gastric Bypass Surgery
3. Typically gets depressed during this period of the year
4. Has become in my opinion addicted to LoraTabs
5. Weighs about 140 and was drinking 8-10 beers a night
6. BiPolar
Over the past couple of weeks I have tried to keep my distance, only sending emails occasionally letting her know that I am here for her and that I love her. No response.
On Saturday (11/18/11) I had to put our oldest dog to sleep. I had let her know that she was hurting and that it was time, but nothing. I let her know that it had taken place on Saturday and nothing.
Finally on Tuesday (11-22-11) she tried to call me three times. I didn't take her call because I didn't think I could keep the call non-emotional. I did send her a text to see if she was okay and if she needed anything.
She texted back and said that she had "Filed the paperwork for divorce, and for me not to contest it". I replied "I See, Have a Happy Thanksgiving". She said "Yeah right, I'm doing the best that I can". I told her that I loved her and I was here for her if she needed me. She texted me back and said that I was "Too Toxic". I said "I didn't know that love could be Toxic, but that regardless i loved her and was here for her". Her last response was "Nope" which is a word she only uses when she's drunk.
Anyway, today I spent the day thinking that maybe I am Toxic. I wasn't trying to be, but the past four months it has seemed like I was more of a father than a Husband. I was always having to watch out for her and keep her safe from hurting herself. I had taken her LoraTabs and was giving them to her as they were prescribed so she wouldn't use all of them in the first 10 days (she gets 120 a month).
I'm just really confused, sitting here on Thanksgiving eve without my best friend waiting to be served divorce papers. I have been going to Counseling and it turns out the Counselor deals a lot with alcohol and drug issues which turned out to be a good thing. He said that I was dealing with the perfect storm of issues and it didn't just happen that night, it had been building and would have gone off sooner or later.
I need some advice on what to do. I have seen a lawyer, but not started anything, I have lined up an apartment, we are going to lose the house because we both contributed to the mortgage payment and now she's not. I'm seeing a counselor and I'm trying to figure out if I need to go to Al-anon if I'm going to end up divorcing her... I feel like I have been hit by a hurricane, then stomped by an Earthquake. Please advise or give me some type of feedback. Thanks,
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. You can't be her father figure, fixer, etc. it just won't work. You have to disengage and let go. I'm just learning that now after 11 years with my AH. I'm sure someone else will have more concise advice for you, but just know that I'm thinking of you. 
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
Welcome to SR, Lost. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, especially at this time of year. It's difficult, I know. I think your counselor is right; this has been building for a while and what happened the other night would have probably happened at some point anyway. She was probably waiting for what she felt was the right moment.
You don't mention if you have children together, so I'm assuming you don't. Depending on how the divorce papers are worded, it may not be necessary to contest it. If things are pretty much split down the middle with you both selling the house and splitting the money or whatever, it would cost you a lot less money to just go along with it. However, if you feel she is being totally unfair, you would do best to get your own attorney and countersue. Any way you do it, it sucks.
Hope you'll stick around here and let us support you through this. Most of us have been through the same thing or something very similar. You will find a lot of support here.
You don't mention if you have children together, so I'm assuming you don't. Depending on how the divorce papers are worded, it may not be necessary to contest it. If things are pretty much split down the middle with you both selling the house and splitting the money or whatever, it would cost you a lot less money to just go along with it. However, if you feel she is being totally unfair, you would do best to get your own attorney and countersue. Any way you do it, it sucks.
Hope you'll stick around here and let us support you through this. Most of us have been through the same thing or something very similar. You will find a lot of support here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 218
We don't have kids, she couldn't have them. So I guess that is good. I guess the feedback is that I should just give up on her. That seems to be the consensus of my friends. I just feel like I'm letting her down if I do. I have an attorney, because I doubt if she even has a clue about all of the bills I actually took care of that she is jointly responsible for.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
I wouldn't look at it as you giving up on her. It's more like she gave up on your marriage. We can't force someone to love us and stay with us if they don't want to. If she has filed for divorce, that would tell me that she no longer wants to be married and there's really not much you can do about that.
You can either wait on the divorce papers to be served on you, or you can have your attorney draw up and serve divorce papers on her. Let the attorneys work it out. That's what they are paid to do. I certainly wouldn't let her get off scott free of her financial responsibilities if at all possible.
You can either wait on the divorce papers to be served on you, or you can have your attorney draw up and serve divorce papers on her. Let the attorneys work it out. That's what they are paid to do. I certainly wouldn't let her get off scott free of her financial responsibilities if at all possible.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 218
I agree that she is checking out. My counselor said that I shouldn't jump forward right away. He said that this may be a phase she is going through.
I do have an exit strategy in place. I have been listening to my father and following his good advice. I guess I'm just hopeful that maybe she will change her mind and want to work on the issues rather than run away from them.
I am probably being an idiot, but its hard to take someone who you spent 7 years with and expected to spend another 60 with and just give up. If she serves me like she said she has done, I will move forward and complete the healing process.
Right now I'm just so mad/disappointed that instead of wanting to work together (with counselors etc.) to save our marriage, she has taken what I see as the easy way out.
I do have an exit strategy in place. I have been listening to my father and following his good advice. I guess I'm just hopeful that maybe she will change her mind and want to work on the issues rather than run away from them.
I am probably being an idiot, but its hard to take someone who you spent 7 years with and expected to spend another 60 with and just give up. If she serves me like she said she has done, I will move forward and complete the healing process.
Right now I'm just so mad/disappointed that instead of wanting to work together (with counselors etc.) to save our marriage, she has taken what I see as the easy way out.
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Yes, I'm scheduled to go to one next wednesday. But I have this strange question: Why would I go to an Al-anon meeting, if I'm not the Alcoholic and I'm probably going to end up divorcing the one I'm married to? (Hope I worded that correctly, not trying to be insulting or anything, just trying to figure out the answer!)
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Leonard, Michigan
Posts: 49
I just wanted you to know that i can relate so well to parts of what you are going through-& i am thinking good thoughts out to you. It really hurts, i know. AND makes you mad, too. You have done really well by her, i don't think at all that you are the one who is "toxic". I am so glad you have your Dad to talk with & have found this board-they are wonderful here.
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LostinBA
I had an abrupt ending to my relationship with a loved one in the throes of addiction.
It has been a huge challenge with a lot of emotions. Al-anon has helped me with a lot of those as has counseling.
I spent a significant amount of time worried about my loved one at first. As time has gone by I have gone through the "typical" grief stages: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and hope at some point to get to acceptance. It does get easier but it is not easy by any stretch.
I am glad you are here, welcome.
I had an abrupt ending to my relationship with a loved one in the throes of addiction.
It has been a huge challenge with a lot of emotions. Al-anon has helped me with a lot of those as has counseling.
I spent a significant amount of time worried about my loved one at first. As time has gone by I have gone through the "typical" grief stages: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and hope at some point to get to acceptance. It does get easier but it is not easy by any stretch.
I am glad you are here, welcome.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 218
I know that I didn't cause her to drink. I didn't make her take the LoraTabs and I tried. I have tried to get through to her and let her know that I am here for her. Right now we have awesome insurance so there are so many options available. If/when she divorces me, that is over with. She will be on state insurance (teacher) and they just don't have the best. I don't want to look back at this and think I didn't try everything I could to help her....
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
Al-anon is support for you. You are dealing with a lot of crap because of your wife's addiction. Al-anon can help you sort that stuff out, learn how to take care of yourself and detach from whatever she does or says. You'll learn what to expect and how to best deal with it. It's simply a support system for anyone who loves an alcoholic.
I don't want to look back at this and think I didn't try everything I could to help her....
We see that a lot here. Please understand that you CANNOT help her if she refuses help. If she continues as she is, that is HER decision and there is nothing you can do or say that will in any way affect what she decides to do. This is not in your power.
I don't want to look back at this and think I didn't try everything I could to help her....
We see that a lot here. Please understand that you CANNOT help her if she refuses help. If she continues as she is, that is HER decision and there is nothing you can do or say that will in any way affect what she decides to do. This is not in your power.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
Yes, Al-Anon is for YOU. There are many people here who will be along to let you know how much it has helped them. You have come to the right place for wisdom and support. I am sorry for what you are going thru and sorry you are hurting, and am sending you strength.
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Thanks for the advice. I am going to Al-anon meeting next week and i hope it helps.
I guess I'm just being weak and worrying that I won't speak to the girl I married (for life was my intention) who when sober was funny and sweet. I miss that more than anything and I'm scared (silly that a grown man 45 is scared). I don't like this turmoil. And it happening during the Christmas Season just BLOWs big time. Not that there is a good time for it I guess.
I guess I'm just being weak and worrying that I won't speak to the girl I married (for life was my intention) who when sober was funny and sweet. I miss that more than anything and I'm scared (silly that a grown man 45 is scared). I don't like this turmoil. And it happening during the Christmas Season just BLOWs big time. Not that there is a good time for it I guess.
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I guess the last thing I will post tonight will be this: I think i'm a good person. Not a perfect person, but a good one. I'm worried that i might find that I was the problem (i.e. a fixer) which is not going to feel good. I didn't realize that loving someone and wanting to help them could be such a hard or bad thing. They really should teach us these things in school.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
Lost, when you get a chance, I recommend this site for families of addicts.
I Have a Son / Daughter / Mother / Father / Girlfriend / Boyfriend Who is Addicted to Drugs or Alcohol – What Can I do to Help Them?
I hope you'll come back and continue reading and posting. It will help.
I Have a Son / Daughter / Mother / Father / Girlfriend / Boyfriend Who is Addicted to Drugs or Alcohol – What Can I do to Help Them?
I hope you'll come back and continue reading and posting. It will help.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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Hi LostinBA,
I am a libra (star sign) and I often see both sides of the story. Reading your thread and thinking of your wife, I could see how she might of felt a bit 'smothered' and 'controlled' in her relationship with you and she may well have interpreted this as 'toxic'.
[QUOTE] the past four months it has seemed like I was more of a father than a Husband.
I was always having to watch out for her.
I had taken her LoraTabs and was giving them to her QUOTE]
Your wife is a grown adult and does not want to be married to a father figure or be 'given' tablets or have someone watch out for her and to an addict who has no intention of giving up drinking, she may well of been extremely resentful and bitter about these things.
I am trying not to sound harsh, just looking at this from a different perspective. Its very, very easy to step into the role of 'father figure', 'controller' and 'watcher' when dealing with active alcoholics but it isnt healthy for you or her. It is also a form of enabling, keeping your partner deep within their desease. I have been there.
Alanon is for family and friends of alcoholics and if you attend alanon, you will most certainly hear 'sharings' from other people with whom you will relate. Many will share their experiences of living and dealing with an alcoholic and its by hearing these that you begin to realise what works and what doesnt. Its also about how you live your life, the sort of person you choose to be and how to be healthy in body, spirit and mind.
It took 18 months of therapy and Alanon for me to leave my alcoholic husband of 23yrs. I am a completely different person these days. I am no longer lost in my husbands addiction. I no longer try to control him (or if I do I notice it straight away and stop). I am happy and content living on my own and looking after myself. My AH has been sober for 5 months and is also happy and content with his own life.
Keep up the councelling and do try Alanon - you will learn so much. I do beleive that this is your own bottom in life and things can now only improve for you whatever happens in your future.
I am sorry that you are going through this, you sound so full of hurt, I hope it gets better for you soon.
I am a libra (star sign) and I often see both sides of the story. Reading your thread and thinking of your wife, I could see how she might of felt a bit 'smothered' and 'controlled' in her relationship with you and she may well have interpreted this as 'toxic'.
[QUOTE] the past four months it has seemed like I was more of a father than a Husband.
I was always having to watch out for her.
I had taken her LoraTabs and was giving them to her QUOTE]
Your wife is a grown adult and does not want to be married to a father figure or be 'given' tablets or have someone watch out for her and to an addict who has no intention of giving up drinking, she may well of been extremely resentful and bitter about these things.
I am trying not to sound harsh, just looking at this from a different perspective. Its very, very easy to step into the role of 'father figure', 'controller' and 'watcher' when dealing with active alcoholics but it isnt healthy for you or her. It is also a form of enabling, keeping your partner deep within their desease. I have been there.
Alanon is for family and friends of alcoholics and if you attend alanon, you will most certainly hear 'sharings' from other people with whom you will relate. Many will share their experiences of living and dealing with an alcoholic and its by hearing these that you begin to realise what works and what doesnt. Its also about how you live your life, the sort of person you choose to be and how to be healthy in body, spirit and mind.
It took 18 months of therapy and Alanon for me to leave my alcoholic husband of 23yrs. I am a completely different person these days. I am no longer lost in my husbands addiction. I no longer try to control him (or if I do I notice it straight away and stop). I am happy and content living on my own and looking after myself. My AH has been sober for 5 months and is also happy and content with his own life.
Keep up the councelling and do try Alanon - you will learn so much. I do beleive that this is your own bottom in life and things can now only improve for you whatever happens in your future.
I am sorry that you are going through this, you sound so full of hurt, I hope it gets better for you soon.
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SUKI44883 - thank you for the link. That really helped and was informative. Eight Ball, I would rather hear the truth than hide from it and i agree with what you said. It was pretty much the same conclusion I came too. No excuses, I did it out of love, but I didn't know the correct way to handle it. Thanks for the feedback.
If anybody knows where there is a good list of the signs of alcohol and/or pill abuse please let me know. I would like to see what I missed in this journey to where I am.
Thanks again for all the feedback. It does help to talk/type things out.
If anybody knows where there is a good list of the signs of alcohol and/or pill abuse please let me know. I would like to see what I missed in this journey to where I am.
Thanks again for all the feedback. It does help to talk/type things out.
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