AmIanenabler

So I found this site when I googled how to get over an alcoholic, pot and cigarette smoker boyfriend. I am sad.

He broke up with me after two years. His reason was that we had nothing in common and he wanted to party with his friends (including an ex-girlfriend).
I was too demanding and he couldn't match my high standards.

I have never smoked, drank or done drugs. I don't know why I went out with him knowing I had a zero tolerance for this. He was handsome and talented and I fell in love with his sober personality. As time went by he relaxed more and more in my presence and constantly drank (avg. 6-8 pints a day) and smoked pot and cigarettes. It was getting tiresome and boring watching him just sit on the sofa with his routine. We never went anywhere and intimacy suffered as he was always drunk. He was also suffering from irritiable bowel syndrome (who wouldn't when you drink that much beer and don't eat!)

I really loved him and miss him terribly but I know in the long run this is for the best. He's in his 50's and has been doing this since he was a teenager. He was always complaining that he needs to quit and I tried to help him cut down. In the end he said he couldn't do it and he just wanted to be alone and didn't feel ready for a relationship. (especially with someone who couldn't party with him) His ex-girlfriend is also an addict and throughout our time she was always calling him and telling him how much she loved him and wanted him back. He never told her to stop and by the end he told me he loved her but only as a friend and he missed partying with her.

I was deeply hurt...did he use me to get her back? I know this is the right thing but it always takes time to get over. I have everything (house, job, family, health, etc.) and I offered him a life where we could work together as long as he got help for his addictions. I did not want to expose my children to an alcoholic, smoker, pot user. He couldn't do it.

His ex-wife also shut him out of their kids lives because of his addictions. His own kids (who are now adults) refuse to see him because of his addictions.

What is wrong with alcoholics, drug users? Can't they see how great they are sober? why oh why do they drink and drug so much? This is my first exposure to this and I can't understand how someone would commit slow suicide over the years.

My ex-boyfriend has nothing to show for his 50+ years of working...no assets, no savings, no home, no car, no health, but a lot of talent and and is a good man. He works as a local truck driver on call so money is always short. He is also in debt through credit cards and doesn't care about saving. He makes enough to pay the rent, his bills, food and alcohol/cigarettes/drugs. He has no plan for retirement and thinks he will live off government pension. He is a happy drunk, doesn't yell just drinks and drinks and dopes and smokes till he passes out. Why won't he get help? I loved him so much and wanted to make it work. Now, he's gone back to his ex-girlfriend who has been waiting for the last two years for him to party with her.

I am in pain but I know this too shall pass. Never again am I going to date an alcoholic/smoker/pot user. They have a disease that has no cure and they drag the people they love down into the gutter where they live. No ambition excetp the next high. I am so saddened and depressed by this lifestyle. When will my heart heal?

suki44883

It takes time, but it will happen. It really doesn't sound like you had much in common. He wants to remain a juvenile and appears to have done a pretty good job of it. They continue to do it because they are addicted. You deserve better. Hang in there and have no contact with him. You will be okay.

dollydo

Oh yes, you will heal and be stronger than ever. The red flags were waving right in your face, and, you still went forward with relationship....if this should happen again, you will know to run....as fast as you can.

Sorry that you are hurting, however, someday you will realize that he did you a BIG favor.

LifeRecovery

I just wanted to say welcome and how much I can relate to your post.

I am not grateful for the situation that got me here, but I am grateful for the growing I have done because of the relationship. I am pretty sure that without such a big wake up call that forced me into my own recovery I would not be where I am today.

That does not make it easy in the moment. For me, Al-anon, therapy and time have really helped to heal me. It does not get easy right away, but it does get easier in my experience. Sometimes I have to take a step back to realize how far I have come though.

misskris76

My boyfriend LOVES me to pieces and bits! I'm a suffering, incurable alcoholic wino, about to lose custody of my son. You need to grieve and let him go, he will not stop for you, most likely, trust me, if I could, I WOULD! And I am NOT some garbage person. Except I'm an addict, alcoholics and addicts can be some of the sweetest, most charming, absolutely wonderful and talented people in the whole world, but until they are ready to give it up (which may NEVER happen) well, either deal with and choose to tolerate the behavior, or move on, I wish I had a better answer for you, but this is the sad sad truth. You can offer compassion, but unless you are willing to put up with the behavior, you need strong strong boundaries, which means he's not in your life except to maybe meet for aluncheon or coffee and to let him know you still believe in him and still see his good qualities, but no giving him anything or letting him back in unless he sobers up for good, and by that time, you may have moved on and it will just be one more loss for him...trust me, at 50+ years as an addict, he's dealt with ALOT of pain and will just appreciate a friend, but you must move on unless you are willing to tolerate the behavior, and that is your decision...best of luck to you As addicts and alcoholics, we are mostly just trying to get through a day and this life, it is a sad existence, but don't let him bring you down with him, it's his path.

AmIanenabler

We had many things in common except the addictions. We had a lot of fun in the early year, family events, music, cooking, long talks. I was the first normal woman he had been with...the women in his past were bar pickups (i.e. casual relationships). Yes, the red flags were right there in my face, including the ex-girlfriend he couldn't say no to. I am a nurturer and a rescuer. I thought I could fix him but I know that was a misconception. I enjoyed looking after him but he is an adult. If a man can't even meet his own children and hasn't seen them for several years what place does a girlfriend of 2 years have? His ex-wife threw him out years ago because of his addictions. His ex-girlfriend (the one he went back to) introduced him to hard drugs, crack, etc. and he always talked about what a good time they had.

It's so sickening to me that I lowered myself to his level. Maybe he did love me and decided to end it because he knew evenutally I might get sick from all that exposure to smoke. He has called a couple of times to see how I'm doing but they were drunk calls. I feel so sad and sorry. I know he has several issues (alcoholic family, no ambition, no success in the field he wanted to work in, etc.) but instead of addressing this he chose to literally drown his sorrows. I got tired of listening to him berating society for his lack of success and everybody else was a crook, etc. and that he was a f***ng genius and was going to be a success soon. So much delusion!, no ambition, so lazy. It is hard thinking that he is with the other woman and probably cursing me because I don't party and I don't have him. I am so scared that this man I fell in love with is going to drink himself to death now that he is back with his ex-girlfriend. I must detach...he is an adult and chose this lifestyle...I miss the good times and miss looking after him....i'm so heart sick...must NOT call him!!!!

dollydo

You can choose to either go down with the ship...or...jump in the lifeboat and row to the shore.

This guy has nothing to offer you or anyone else, he is a loser. You are letting your ego get the best of you if you believe that your being with him could stop him from drinking himself to death, you are wrong, you are not that powerful.

He ended the relationship because his priorties are booze and pot, those are his true loves, you were a bridge to him, as is his "new/old" girlfriend.

Have you read Codependency No More? Might be a good starting point for you to better understand your behavior.

You deserve so much better, don't obsess about him, he is not worth your time, go no contact.

LifeRecovery

I worried a lot too when we first split up.

Then I realized that the drinking and using was going on while I was there, and we were together. I worried then too. I was probably the only person in the whole situation worried. All that got me was stress, it did not make his drinking any better.

I tried pretty hard to help, but I can only heal myself. I can't make someone want help (which remains challenging for me).

There is a very good Al-anon saying:
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this.

Is Al-anon or counseling an option? They helped me so much.

This journey for me has been a way for me to learn what I love and enjoy. It has been a way that have learned how to take care of myself.

AmIanenabler

Tx Dollydo and LifeRecovery. No I am not going to Al-anon. I am not going to date anyone who is an alcoholic. Being a total abstainer I don't know what made me go out with this man knowing he was a smoker/pothead and drinking excessively. Probably naivete because I have never been exposed to someone who drinks until they pass out. I know he is 'comfortably numb' and has no time for any relationships except with his addictions. It is so hard to watch but it's not my problem. The love I feel for him will recede and I will eventually pity him for his lack of strength and unwillingness to be a part of a healthy lifestyle and family. Eventually he will go insane/delusional from his addictions and no longer have his looks to fall back on as they eventually deteriorate from this type of abuse. Triple threat is too deep to fix. I know I will be fine. I came into his life to help him but he's not ready. His addict girlfriend is back in his life; it's only a matter of time before they both reach rock bottom. Maybe then he will wake up and realize what he has become. So frustrating to see another human being deliberately harm themself and am powerless to stop him.....no contact no contact no contact....I didn't cause this I cannot join him I cannot stop him I have seen a new side of society and I don't like it.

Are poor people addicts because they are poor and want to forget their miseries? or are they poor because they are addicts? are they mentally unstable? What is it that causes people to be suicidal addicts while they try to function as normal citizens and fool everyone around them into thinking they are worth a relationship? I'm so stupid

jessiec

I know you are hurting. You won't always -- "this too shall pass." Another quote that has helped me before: "Sometimes man's rejection is God's protection." You sound like someone who has a lot going for her! You will get through this, even wiser and stronger!

LifeRecovery

I don't drink or use substances either. I don't want to make my exAH sound disposable, but I feel like he came into my life to help teach me how dangerous my need to "fix" and "help" people was. I suspect that if I had not met him I would have met another person with similar concerns. Gentler experiences with this had not woken me up. I needed a good bang on the head to wake me up.

My relationship with him and most importantly my reactions to his behaviors is not something I would like to repeat again, thus my process of my own recovery. I am not stupid (and I don't think you are either). I do think though that my relationship with him is helping me to heal wounds that have been in my life for a long time.

Unfortunately for them to heal I had to open them out, drain out all the puss and infection and give them a chance to close. There are many ways to do this, and I know you will find what works for you. For me counseling, and Al-anon have been the biggest help. I did really get a lot out of Codependent No More too. I also attend a lot of Open AA meetings (open means that you don't have to call yourself an alcoholic to be there). I have been fortunate I have learned from here and those places not just about my relationship with my exAH that got me here but about myself and myself in most of my relationships also. It was not just my A that I struggled with codependent traits.

I can more easily speak my truth now. I say what I mean, mean what I say and most of the time succeed at not saying it mean. I have learned to let go of worry most of the time, and have learned to provide self care. For a long time I thought self care meant holding down a job and paying the bills, now I value myself, my own worth, and my life.

I believe that we naturally seek healing, and I believe we all will find the right path for us as an individual. I am glad you have taken those steps to get you on this journey of recovery. I get a lot of support on my journey just by being and posting here.

Hopeworks

Alcoholism and addiction is found among those who are poor and those who are rich but the wealthy often have a support network to help "hide" their addictions. When you are poor and get a DUI you don't have the means to get a driver to transport you in a car or hire an expensive attorney to get you a better deal. Often those with means will have relatives that will expend a great deal of effort to conceal a drinking problem of a loved one.

You sound like a person who really likes to understand the "why" of things and I think it would really be helpful for you to read the excerpts from Under the Influence that are linked in the stickies at the top of the page. I know you said that you didn't think you wanted to attend an alanon meeting but I would recommend that you reconsider only because it would help you with the closure on the "whys".

You sound like a very smart and saavy person who is also very empathetic and problem solver and broken people are very attracted to people like us... we are prone to become codependents. Understanding ourselves help us to help others while creating healthy boundaries.

Alcoholism is a very complicated illness and a minefield of problems for those that love an alcoholic... it sounds like you are making all of the right choices based on what you have shared and keep posting and let un know how you are doing.