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Join Date: Feb 2009
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running out of titles for threads
I experienced some serious growing pains this past week. i went from the roller coaster ride to spending 2 days with a few friends and feeling good, to coming down from that back to a weird place, then getting a cold.
i had to leave the roller coaster post alone. i feel like i have moved forward from, that.
so where does that leave me...still on the upswing and closer to a better place of detachment. after a few days of no contact, i see the importance of it. it gives me the chance to get my feet on the ground. if that gets interrupted, it only will set me back. as i said, i was giving myself the weekend. i told her the same. after a short, but meaningful talk friday night she expressed her desire to quit and i expressed that i needed to to step away. we both seemed to understand each other. she called early sunday morning to say goodbye that she was outside the place and going in.
i have not heard anything since. the one friend i made started to tell me some stories the other day about things she told him that happened after my visit. i said, you know what, it doesnt matter. nothing will shock me, its just more of the same stuff that they do. i said i dont care about what she did, but only care about what is happening now. as far as i know she is there and there is nothing i can do until i hear from here in a day or in months. so i am taking this time to get my $&^! together and get serious about my healing.
i am a bit sad that this is the 2nd thanksgiving this has been going on, but hopefully this one she will still be in recovery and i am not dealing with what was happening last year.
i am feeling that these few days of no contact have helped me in some way. for the past few weeks i had been trying to keep the focus on me and how i handle things, but i see that i was pulled right back in, slowly and unknowingly. but, it has only been 4 weeks since i visited and returned trying to change me. so i figure maybe i am not doing too bad for four weeks. if she doesnt stay, i am firm about no contact. i need that. she needs that. for alli know she may already have left. i even feel better not even talking about it. just putting it down and moving on to what ever is ahead
i had to leave the roller coaster post alone. i feel like i have moved forward from, that.
so where does that leave me...still on the upswing and closer to a better place of detachment. after a few days of no contact, i see the importance of it. it gives me the chance to get my feet on the ground. if that gets interrupted, it only will set me back. as i said, i was giving myself the weekend. i told her the same. after a short, but meaningful talk friday night she expressed her desire to quit and i expressed that i needed to to step away. we both seemed to understand each other. she called early sunday morning to say goodbye that she was outside the place and going in.
i have not heard anything since. the one friend i made started to tell me some stories the other day about things she told him that happened after my visit. i said, you know what, it doesnt matter. nothing will shock me, its just more of the same stuff that they do. i said i dont care about what she did, but only care about what is happening now. as far as i know she is there and there is nothing i can do until i hear from here in a day or in months. so i am taking this time to get my $&^! together and get serious about my healing.
i am a bit sad that this is the 2nd thanksgiving this has been going on, but hopefully this one she will still be in recovery and i am not dealing with what was happening last year.
i am feeling that these few days of no contact have helped me in some way. for the past few weeks i had been trying to keep the focus on me and how i handle things, but i see that i was pulled right back in, slowly and unknowingly. but, it has only been 4 weeks since i visited and returned trying to change me. so i figure maybe i am not doing too bad for four weeks. if she doesnt stay, i am firm about no contact. i need that. she needs that. for alli know she may already have left. i even feel better not even talking about it. just putting it down and moving on to what ever is ahead
:horse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
my natural instinct is to let that comment just roll. but after some thought i am going to reply to it.
i have been here for about 1 1/2 years since this situation took off. and i was here a year before with the first signs of trouble. i am the first to admit that i hung on to my alo tightly and have been one of the difficult cases to crack. at times, i would ask the same things over and over. at times i frustrated people. at times i got bashed. those times i understood why. it made me see that i was missing something.
this is a place of healing. there are names that have been here long before i joined and others who are new regulars. people come. people go. the forum remains for those who need it. i have remained here as i need it and those who take the time to reply i have often thanked. i have often acknowledged that i am aware of being stuck. i have never lashed out saying anyone else was wrong. some people find out there loved on is an addict and they do their thing. others take longer. as far as i know it has taken some people years and years. its not a contest and there are no points for how quickly and cleanly someone does it. the point is though that they try.
so i see my own progress and my own relapses. i believe i have gotten better at some situations and at other times its like nothing changed. the past couple weeks i have shared me hitting my bottom. i hit hard. i have been to 4 meetings a week for 4 weeks. for months and months and months i knew what i would have to face one day. i prolonged making it happen always hoping that my alo would make the change. but after the jail incident i knew it may not happen and that i had to make a change and soon. so i got to that place. as every addict does, i have talked but not acted. i have quacked. but i got to the beginning of that place. i have tried to focus on me. i have tried to be more aware. i have tried to detach. and i have tried to post about positive change. i have also posted about the negative too.
so i guess i am befuddled at the response to this thread. of all the things to comment on, the one that is construed as a negative thing is the only one highlighted. instead of finding a positive thing somewhere in that thread, i am called out on what i was called out on.
now maybe that is someones perception that is was pulled in quickly and knowingly. i accept that. but instead of a bold expletive, perhaps it could have been expressed differently. perhaps what is truth to one is not the truth to another. perhaps to me, i felt that i had a bit of space in between and was not running to the phone, returning calls, getting instantly crazy. perhaps to me, it felt more like i would finally take a call and feel ok about it, but then maybe a couple days later start to feel something. and next thing I noticed was that i was right back in. so to me the build up to that last ride felt slow and i was unaware i was going for the ride.
so will reply to my own thread and say- steve it is good to finally see you get a bit of time with no contact. i hope you can build on that. you know, maybe you never really left the ride so there was no slow return, but the important thing is that you are seeing the ride and understanding that YOU CAN GET OFF. it is good to hear that you are trying to focus on yourself and get your ^*&$ together. You need to do it, you've been hanging on waiting for too long. good luck. just be prepared for if she calls.
maybe i just like dialog and the exchange of thoughts and ideas.
i have been here for about 1 1/2 years since this situation took off. and i was here a year before with the first signs of trouble. i am the first to admit that i hung on to my alo tightly and have been one of the difficult cases to crack. at times, i would ask the same things over and over. at times i frustrated people. at times i got bashed. those times i understood why. it made me see that i was missing something.
this is a place of healing. there are names that have been here long before i joined and others who are new regulars. people come. people go. the forum remains for those who need it. i have remained here as i need it and those who take the time to reply i have often thanked. i have often acknowledged that i am aware of being stuck. i have never lashed out saying anyone else was wrong. some people find out there loved on is an addict and they do their thing. others take longer. as far as i know it has taken some people years and years. its not a contest and there are no points for how quickly and cleanly someone does it. the point is though that they try.
so i see my own progress and my own relapses. i believe i have gotten better at some situations and at other times its like nothing changed. the past couple weeks i have shared me hitting my bottom. i hit hard. i have been to 4 meetings a week for 4 weeks. for months and months and months i knew what i would have to face one day. i prolonged making it happen always hoping that my alo would make the change. but after the jail incident i knew it may not happen and that i had to make a change and soon. so i got to that place. as every addict does, i have talked but not acted. i have quacked. but i got to the beginning of that place. i have tried to focus on me. i have tried to be more aware. i have tried to detach. and i have tried to post about positive change. i have also posted about the negative too.
so i guess i am befuddled at the response to this thread. of all the things to comment on, the one that is construed as a negative thing is the only one highlighted. instead of finding a positive thing somewhere in that thread, i am called out on what i was called out on.
now maybe that is someones perception that is was pulled in quickly and knowingly. i accept that. but instead of a bold expletive, perhaps it could have been expressed differently. perhaps what is truth to one is not the truth to another. perhaps to me, i felt that i had a bit of space in between and was not running to the phone, returning calls, getting instantly crazy. perhaps to me, it felt more like i would finally take a call and feel ok about it, but then maybe a couple days later start to feel something. and next thing I noticed was that i was right back in. so to me the build up to that last ride felt slow and i was unaware i was going for the ride.
so will reply to my own thread and say- steve it is good to finally see you get a bit of time with no contact. i hope you can build on that. you know, maybe you never really left the ride so there was no slow return, but the important thing is that you are seeing the ride and understanding that YOU CAN GET OFF. it is good to hear that you are trying to focus on yourself and get your ^*&$ together. You need to do it, you've been hanging on waiting for too long. good luck. just be prepared for if she calls.
maybe i just like dialog and the exchange of thoughts and ideas.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
prayers of continued healing and growth for you Steve ~
I pray that you continue to take steps in a healthy direction for YOU!
I remember saying when I was with my ex ah that I could believe I was going to have another "holiday" messed up by this disease ~ it became one, two then it was 16 years of painful memories!
Best wishes for you!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I pray that you continue to take steps in a healthy direction for YOU!
I remember saying when I was with my ex ah that I could believe I was going to have another "holiday" messed up by this disease ~ it became one, two then it was 16 years of painful memories!
Best wishes for you!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: -
Posts: 118
Whenever I read your threads, I think about how long I've stayed with my husband. Keep posting. It will be quite a journal if put together. Have you tried blogging? Poetry?
I realize how unhealthy I was by how long I stayed.
One day at a time.
Sometimes fantasy feels better than reality.
Recovery is work, hard work.
Sending good thoughts.
((((hugs))))
I realize how unhealthy I was by how long I stayed.
One day at a time.
Sometimes fantasy feels better than reality.
Recovery is work, hard work.
Sending good thoughts.
((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 47
They say there are three steps to waking up to reality, recovering and moving past codependency...
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
It seems to me that you have spent a lot of time on the first two and not on the last. Now, it seems, you are finally ready for that step. It may have taken a while, but you got there and when you were ready, you took it. We are all susceptible to not being ready or willing to let go and change things, even when we know better...with the tools this forum and the stickies and research have given us, well at least me...but I catch myself constantly going back to old defenses and ways of thinking...because I want the person that I lost back - even though I know better. All I know is, every time that I think I'm in control and things with other people are going my way, I hit rock bottom all over again. The difference is, now I know why. I can't control them, and focusing on anyone other than myself for right now is just going back to my old (recent) codependent ways. Letting myself continue down that path my ruin the next relationship I'm in too, if I let it...The cold hard truth is, it doesn't matter what she (he for me) is doing, because only what you're/I'm doing matters in the present moment.
Sorry to see someone wrote bullsh*t - but sometimes we just need people to call us out on our crap! (there are many nicer ways to do it - like saying nothing changes if nothing changes).
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
It seems to me that you have spent a lot of time on the first two and not on the last. Now, it seems, you are finally ready for that step. It may have taken a while, but you got there and when you were ready, you took it. We are all susceptible to not being ready or willing to let go and change things, even when we know better...with the tools this forum and the stickies and research have given us, well at least me...but I catch myself constantly going back to old defenses and ways of thinking...because I want the person that I lost back - even though I know better. All I know is, every time that I think I'm in control and things with other people are going my way, I hit rock bottom all over again. The difference is, now I know why. I can't control them, and focusing on anyone other than myself for right now is just going back to my old (recent) codependent ways. Letting myself continue down that path my ruin the next relationship I'm in too, if I let it...The cold hard truth is, it doesn't matter what she (he for me) is doing, because only what you're/I'm doing matters in the present moment.
Sorry to see someone wrote bullsh*t - but sometimes we just need people to call us out on our crap! (there are many nicer ways to do it - like saying nothing changes if nothing changes).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by steve1840 
the one friend i made started to tell me some stories the other day about things she told him that happened after my visit. i said, you know what, it doesnt matter. nothing will shock me, its just more of the same stuff that they do. i said i dont care about what she did, but only care about what is happening now. as far as i know she is there and there is nothing i can do until i hear from here in a day or in months
That's still equivalent to an addict just using a 'little' DOC.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
hi- yes i am realizing that. i think i needed to be filled in. i think it was a way to remain connected. and i think because she was 7hrs away i felt i needed to know what was going on. but thru this detachment, i am gaining my own strength to not need to know. also becasue i was in contact with her i used that as a way to know if she was lyining or not. but i am trying to free myself from it all. so hopefully i will cut that number too
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
so i guess i am befuddled at the response to this thread.
You didn't even mention that you went over there to see her. I had the impression it was all texting and phone calls. And now we find out you went to see her in person.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Steve))) - remember when I asked you if really wanted to be like me? 20+ years with one XABF, then on to 2 more? You said you didn't, but you're finding out, time keeps moving. Now you're talking about the second Thanksgiving without her.
I promise you, there are many of us who have years and years with people who were wrong for us. I do pray that, some day, you'll find you are a whole person without her or anyone else, and that it doesn't take you 'til your 50 years old, like me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I promise you, there are many of us who have years and years with people who were wrong for us. I do pray that, some day, you'll find you are a whole person without her or anyone else, and that it doesn't take you 'til your 50 years old, like me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: in the tree tops
Posts: 209
ok, just a thought. She is addicted to drugs. You are addicted to her. She needs to get away from drugs, you need to get away from her. I realize you love her. But I hope you can take the steps you want her to take .... I think you need to take a serious break from her... not just a few days, not just a week... but at least a month of absolutely no contact to get your head together. Go to counseling, al anon, anything, and start seriously treating your addiction to this relationship.
hugs to you, be strong, and hang in there
hugs to you, be strong, and hang in there
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by steve1840
my natural instinct is to let that comment just roll. but after some thought i am going to reply to it.
i have been here for about 1 1/2 years since this situation took off. and i was here a year before with the first signs of trouble. i am the first to admit that i hung on to my alo tightly and have been one of the difficult cases to crack. at times, i would ask the same things over and over. at times i frustrated people. at times i got bashed. those times i understood why. it made me see that i was missing something.
this is a place of healing. there are names that have been here long before i joined and others who are new regulars. people come. people go. the forum remains for those who need it. i have remained here as i need it and those who take the time to reply i have often thanked. i have often acknowledged that i am aware of being stuck. i have never lashed out saying anyone else was wrong. some people find out there loved on is an addict and they do their thing. others take longer. as far as i know it has taken some people years and years. its not a contest and there are no points for how quickly and cleanly someone does it. the point is though that they try.
so i see my own progress and my own relapses. i believe i have gotten better at some situations and at other times its like nothing changed. the past couple weeks i have shared me hitting my bottom. i hit hard. i have been to 4 meetings a week for 4 weeks. for months and months and months i knew what i would have to face one day. i prolonged making it happen always hoping that my alo would make the change. but after the jail incident i knew it may not happen and that i had to make a change and soon. so i got to that place. as every addict does, i have talked but not acted. i have quacked. but i got to the beginning of that place. i have tried to focus on me. i have tried to be more aware. i have tried to detach. and i have tried to post about positive change. i have also posted about the negative too.
so i guess i am befuddled at the response to this thread. of all the things to comment on, the one that is construed as a negative thing is the only one highlighted. instead of finding a positive thing somewhere in that thread, i am called out on what i was called out on.
now maybe that is someones perception that is was pulled in quickly and knowingly. i accept that. but instead of a bold expletive, perhaps it could have been expressed differently. perhaps what is truth to one is not the truth to another. perhaps to me, i felt that i had a bit of space in between and was not running to the phone, returning calls, getting instantly crazy. perhaps to me, it felt more like i would finally take a call and feel ok about it, but then maybe a couple days later start to feel something. and next thing I noticed was that i was right back in. so to me the build up to that last ride felt slow and i was unaware i was going for the ride.
so will reply to my own thread and say- steve it is good to finally see you get a bit of time with no contact. i hope you can build on that. you know, maybe you never really left the ride so there was no slow return, but the important thing is that you are seeing the ride and understanding that YOU CAN GET OFF. it is good to hear that you are trying to focus on yourself and get your ^*&$ together. You need to do it, you've been hanging on waiting for too long. good luck. just be prepared for if she calls.
maybe i just like dialog and the exchange of thoughts and ideas.
i have been here for about 1 1/2 years since this situation took off. and i was here a year before with the first signs of trouble. i am the first to admit that i hung on to my alo tightly and have been one of the difficult cases to crack. at times, i would ask the same things over and over. at times i frustrated people. at times i got bashed. those times i understood why. it made me see that i was missing something.
this is a place of healing. there are names that have been here long before i joined and others who are new regulars. people come. people go. the forum remains for those who need it. i have remained here as i need it and those who take the time to reply i have often thanked. i have often acknowledged that i am aware of being stuck. i have never lashed out saying anyone else was wrong. some people find out there loved on is an addict and they do their thing. others take longer. as far as i know it has taken some people years and years. its not a contest and there are no points for how quickly and cleanly someone does it. the point is though that they try.
so i see my own progress and my own relapses. i believe i have gotten better at some situations and at other times its like nothing changed. the past couple weeks i have shared me hitting my bottom. i hit hard. i have been to 4 meetings a week for 4 weeks. for months and months and months i knew what i would have to face one day. i prolonged making it happen always hoping that my alo would make the change. but after the jail incident i knew it may not happen and that i had to make a change and soon. so i got to that place. as every addict does, i have talked but not acted. i have quacked. but i got to the beginning of that place. i have tried to focus on me. i have tried to be more aware. i have tried to detach. and i have tried to post about positive change. i have also posted about the negative too.
so i guess i am befuddled at the response to this thread. of all the things to comment on, the one that is construed as a negative thing is the only one highlighted. instead of finding a positive thing somewhere in that thread, i am called out on what i was called out on.
now maybe that is someones perception that is was pulled in quickly and knowingly. i accept that. but instead of a bold expletive, perhaps it could have been expressed differently. perhaps what is truth to one is not the truth to another. perhaps to me, i felt that i had a bit of space in between and was not running to the phone, returning calls, getting instantly crazy. perhaps to me, it felt more like i would finally take a call and feel ok about it, but then maybe a couple days later start to feel something. and next thing I noticed was that i was right back in. so to me the build up to that last ride felt slow and i was unaware i was going for the ride.
so will reply to my own thread and say- steve it is good to finally see you get a bit of time with no contact. i hope you can build on that. you know, maybe you never really left the ride so there was no slow return, but the important thing is that you are seeing the ride and understanding that YOU CAN GET OFF. it is good to hear that you are trying to focus on yourself and get your ^*&$ together. You need to do it, you've been hanging on waiting for too long. good luck. just be prepared for if she calls.
maybe i just like dialog and the exchange of thoughts and ideas.
(((Steve)))
I have followed your posts for a while now. I have seen change and growth. good for you, and keep on moving forward. you deserve peace , and good treatment.
I want to say that I truly think you have a lot of class, in that no matter how you have been treated here at times, you have never been nasty or mean. you have always taken what is said , given it consideration, and did not let the negative stop you from posting.
And today, i am proud that you stood up for yourself, and the classy way you did it would make me shrivel up, if I had been the one to be so verbally crass to you.
I am glad you are here Steve,and that you are making progress. You show a lot of inner strength, and a kind heart.
hugs
chicory:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Hi Steve,
Hang in there. Its those ups and downs that are really the part I got tired of. They exhausted me; left no room for ME.
It is about doing things in our own time; try not to take it too hard if others get triggered by your posts.
Meanwhile, wishing you some peace in your life regardless of what she does or doesn't do.
L.
Hang in there. Its those ups and downs that are really the part I got tired of. They exhausted me; left no room for ME.
It is about doing things in our own time; try not to take it too hard if others get triggered by your posts.
Meanwhile, wishing you some peace in your life regardless of what she does or doesn't do.
L.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Man Steve,
I've been here a long da#% time. Longer than I should have. I see you're still stuck. Nothing changes if nothing changes. She's not capable of change right now, YOU are. Yet you refuse to take the advice of those who've walked before you. I wish you the best, but if you're not going to MOVE and take action. EXPECT to stay complacent, cause she's not gonna do it. She's using you like a tool, but you don't see it. If you're going to live this life and all that it entails, so be it. Why ask for help and advice if you're not going to listen anyway? I know I was a HARD head when it came to my xah, but I at least listened to the advice here, bit by bit.
One piece of advice. When did you come here initially. Reread that first post. Are you any farther along? I thought I was many times, but I wasn't. Do you see the dwindling advice that you are getting because it's falling on deaf ears. JMHO, some of the hardest on me, helped me the most.
I've been here a long da#% time. Longer than I should have. I see you're still stuck. Nothing changes if nothing changes. She's not capable of change right now, YOU are. Yet you refuse to take the advice of those who've walked before you. I wish you the best, but if you're not going to MOVE and take action. EXPECT to stay complacent, cause she's not gonna do it. She's using you like a tool, but you don't see it. If you're going to live this life and all that it entails, so be it. Why ask for help and advice if you're not going to listen anyway? I know I was a HARD head when it came to my xah, but I at least listened to the advice here, bit by bit.
One piece of advice. When did you come here initially. Reread that first post. Are you any farther along? I thought I was many times, but I wasn't. Do you see the dwindling advice that you are getting because it's falling on deaf ears. JMHO, some of the hardest on me, helped me the most.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 178
Hey Steve,
Just wanted to say that I too am really glad you're here. I agree with Chicory! For me also it was a really long process, letting go of my ex. When is it ever easy to let go of someone you love?? It doesn't matter whether it's drugs, another person, or death. It's not easy.
In my case, my ex did not survive his addiction, but I'm never sorry that I loved him. People in my life got angry at me too and I grew to be ashamed of the way I felt back then, and that did not help at all!
Now I realise they were just frustrated, esp the people that did really care about me, and I do understand why. But still my heart had it's own drum to beat.
Everyone here is in different situations. Sometimes people talk as if it's all the same, one addict is the same as another, one relationship is the same as another. I don't think that's so.
Take care, Steve xxx
Just wanted to say that I too am really glad you're here. I agree with Chicory! For me also it was a really long process, letting go of my ex. When is it ever easy to let go of someone you love?? It doesn't matter whether it's drugs, another person, or death. It's not easy.
In my case, my ex did not survive his addiction, but I'm never sorry that I loved him. People in my life got angry at me too and I grew to be ashamed of the way I felt back then, and that did not help at all!
Now I realise they were just frustrated, esp the people that did really care about me, and I do understand why. But still my heart had it's own drum to beat.
Everyone here is in different situations. Sometimes people talk as if it's all the same, one addict is the same as another, one relationship is the same as another. I don't think that's so.
Take care, Steve xxx
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
we work this program at our own pace...when we get it, is when we get it....
3 A's
1. awareness
2. acceptance
3. action (or none)
are you going to AL ANON? or NAR ANON?...
my best friend is doing the NO CONTACT rule with her insane exbf...4mths of her NOT contacting him...this man has tried everything in the book...what does she do? DELETE DELETE DELETE!!....its not her problem anymore....(now its looking like an obsession on his part,but that is another thing...)
3 A's
1. awareness
2. acceptance
3. action (or none)
are you going to AL ANON? or NAR ANON?...
my best friend is doing the NO CONTACT rule with her insane exbf...4mths of her NOT contacting him...this man has tried everything in the book...what does she do? DELETE DELETE DELETE!!....its not her problem anymore....(now its looking like an obsession on his part,but that is another thing...)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
wow- i really missed this place
so i guess i skipped town (the board) after this thread. i was not pushed away, i chose to step away. I hope everyone had a nice thanksgiving. mine was nice. i wish it was happening again next week. i like that better than christmas for some reason.
for those who said such kind words to me- i thank you
for those still pushing me along- i thank you
every single person on every thread i started i thank, including this one.
i finished grad school with a 3.75. yeah i am proud of that, and i am not saying that to brag because in many ways that means nothing. but the reason for me saying it is that there were two skills that enabled me to get those grades. my writing skills (which i admit i lack often here) and my objectivity. and while objectivity may have gotten me nice grades, it does not help me make decisions for ME. it hampers it. what i am getting at is that because i do not act on the years worth of advice directly, it does not mean that it does not seep in. and for the most part i remain complacent.
but maybe the subtleties are what make the difference for me. words have seeped in. they may not lead to some big direct action, but they help guide each move in small ways. i for the most part remain complacent, but i am not totally complacent.
that last part leads me to a question i have asked myself lately- am i any better off that i was last year? lo and behold, someone else asked me that too! i gave it thought..and yes, i would have to say i am at least somewhat better.
my saying i am going no contact is the same as the user saying they are stopping drugs. sometimes though they do stop the drugs. but for how long. i can stop contact, but for how long.
........................
since you asked.........
not very long. but i am ok with that. i promised myself a couple weeks ago, that i would do it if the alo didnt go to rehab. not as a threat to her, but as a promise to me. she went in the tuesday before thanksgiving. it did not bring me release or freedom. maybe some relief, but i know all that could happen. i got a few letters about how much she likes it. she has a sponsor and for the first time ever likes meetings. she says a lot of guilt is coming up and she is working on that with counselors and in group. i really did not feel any different with her being there accept as i said a little relief and some hope.
i still go to meetings, but my folks are up fora while and i got slammed with the flu, so i am just getting back into my routine.
on the 11th day- she got kicked out temporarily because of some note being passed to her. i am certain there is more to the innocence of her story. they said she could go back after 5 days. first few days she seemed ok, then she started using again. she went to go back in but did not go to enough meetings, now she has to wait until tuesday. she has a place to stay and she's making some money doing chores and stuff at a friends grandmothers' house. enough money to sustain her use- probably not for long. will she make it back? there is a chance.
me- i still wont send money and she hasn't asked. yet. but i feel ok. there i am still moving forward at my pace. i even went back to this shaolin temple i used to go to. i cannot do anything about her choices. do i want to call- part of me does, but i figure she has gotten back to where she was before she went in and that the crack is in control again. so, nothing for me to do but step aside and hope she finds her way back to the place. she seemed the love it and maybe this experience will teach her to live by the rules.
as for the shaolin stuff, i think i relate more to eastern philosophy than western psychology.
for those who said such kind words to me- i thank you
for those still pushing me along- i thank you
every single person on every thread i started i thank, including this one.
i finished grad school with a 3.75. yeah i am proud of that, and i am not saying that to brag because in many ways that means nothing. but the reason for me saying it is that there were two skills that enabled me to get those grades. my writing skills (which i admit i lack often here) and my objectivity. and while objectivity may have gotten me nice grades, it does not help me make decisions for ME. it hampers it. what i am getting at is that because i do not act on the years worth of advice directly, it does not mean that it does not seep in. and for the most part i remain complacent.
but maybe the subtleties are what make the difference for me. words have seeped in. they may not lead to some big direct action, but they help guide each move in small ways. i for the most part remain complacent, but i am not totally complacent.
that last part leads me to a question i have asked myself lately- am i any better off that i was last year? lo and behold, someone else asked me that too! i gave it thought..and yes, i would have to say i am at least somewhat better.
my saying i am going no contact is the same as the user saying they are stopping drugs. sometimes though they do stop the drugs. but for how long. i can stop contact, but for how long.
........................
since you asked.........
not very long. but i am ok with that. i promised myself a couple weeks ago, that i would do it if the alo didnt go to rehab. not as a threat to her, but as a promise to me. she went in the tuesday before thanksgiving. it did not bring me release or freedom. maybe some relief, but i know all that could happen. i got a few letters about how much she likes it. she has a sponsor and for the first time ever likes meetings. she says a lot of guilt is coming up and she is working on that with counselors and in group. i really did not feel any different with her being there accept as i said a little relief and some hope.
i still go to meetings, but my folks are up fora while and i got slammed with the flu, so i am just getting back into my routine.
on the 11th day- she got kicked out temporarily because of some note being passed to her. i am certain there is more to the innocence of her story. they said she could go back after 5 days. first few days she seemed ok, then she started using again. she went to go back in but did not go to enough meetings, now she has to wait until tuesday. she has a place to stay and she's making some money doing chores and stuff at a friends grandmothers' house. enough money to sustain her use- probably not for long. will she make it back? there is a chance.
me- i still wont send money and she hasn't asked. yet. but i feel ok. there i am still moving forward at my pace. i even went back to this shaolin temple i used to go to. i cannot do anything about her choices. do i want to call- part of me does, but i figure she has gotten back to where she was before she went in and that the crack is in control again. so, nothing for me to do but step aside and hope she finds her way back to the place. she seemed the love it and maybe this experience will teach her to live by the rules.
as for the shaolin stuff, i think i relate more to eastern philosophy than western psychology.
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