Typical Frustrations...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 14
Typical Frustrations...
I know that I'm very new to this whole codependency-recovery thing, but it seems like no matter what way I approach things, nothing different comes out of it. If I set up a boundary, it just gets trampled on. If I detach and don't interfere with a situation, he just lets things fall to **** and is completely ok with it. It's like there will never be consequences for his actions because he could care less what happens. And if there are consequences, it's no different than everyday life for him because he spends 24/7 whining about how his life is so terrible and he works his ass off "with nothing to show for it."
He didn't even do anything different this morning, but I'm just so frustrated with the same old shite that I am about to blow up. He wakes up late, keeps pushing the snooze button on his alarm, whines about having to go to work for 1/2 an hour, whines about having a headache/stomachache and gets angry when I tell him it's a hangover, refuses to eat because "nothing sounds good", asks me to go buy him food, gets angry when I say no, takes 15 minutes smoking a cigarette, spends way too long in the shower, and then heads to work LATE, with no lunch packed because I'm a mean old bitch and won't pack him one since he wasted all his time, and then spends money we don't have eating out for lunch because he didn't pack one.
Meanwhile, I'm scraping together what food I can at home because we haven't had money for groceries in weeks (mashed potatoes and beans, anyone?), turning down visits with family and friends because he spent all his bill money on beer/cigs so I had to spend my gas money on bills, and trucking heavy baskets of laundry to my mom's house because there's also no money for laundry. Oh, and did I mention that I don't have my own washing machine because he used our joint credit card to buy a TV and Playstation (that I asked him NOT to buy) instead of the washing set I have been trying to get for over a year?
I'm thinking of opening my own bank account elsewhere that he doesn't know about, but I don't know how I'll manage to keep a roof over our heads if I'm siphoning money away from where he can see it.
My MIL and SIL have both offered to help me out before, but I know they are waiting on me to make the first real move in confronting my H. I just don't know where to begin. I feel like such a weakling. It seems like even when I try to start the conversation with him it just fizzles out. And I know it's pointless to have the talk with him while he's drunk, but that's like ALL THE TIME. I just want to ship his lazy butt off to the military so someone can force some discipline on him. I keep going back and forth between blaming myself and blaming him. I knew he used to drink, so I feel stupid for trusting him. But he wasn't like this when I married him, so I'm angry at all the promises he's broken because HE changed. And I'm really, REALLY angry about all the hopes and dreams that I now have to give up, and none of it is because of a lack of dedication on MY part.
I have to attend an AA/NA meeting tonight as part of a community project for school, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it. I'm either going to leave really angry or in tears.
I just truly don't understand people who let their lives suck on purpose. He could have EVERYTHING he wanted and such a fun life if he would stop being so stupid. UGH!
(I know...this post was written in anger. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just venting because I feel like the healthy way of dealing with things is failing me at the moment.)
He didn't even do anything different this morning, but I'm just so frustrated with the same old shite that I am about to blow up. He wakes up late, keeps pushing the snooze button on his alarm, whines about having to go to work for 1/2 an hour, whines about having a headache/stomachache and gets angry when I tell him it's a hangover, refuses to eat because "nothing sounds good", asks me to go buy him food, gets angry when I say no, takes 15 minutes smoking a cigarette, spends way too long in the shower, and then heads to work LATE, with no lunch packed because I'm a mean old bitch and won't pack him one since he wasted all his time, and then spends money we don't have eating out for lunch because he didn't pack one.
Meanwhile, I'm scraping together what food I can at home because we haven't had money for groceries in weeks (mashed potatoes and beans, anyone?), turning down visits with family and friends because he spent all his bill money on beer/cigs so I had to spend my gas money on bills, and trucking heavy baskets of laundry to my mom's house because there's also no money for laundry. Oh, and did I mention that I don't have my own washing machine because he used our joint credit card to buy a TV and Playstation (that I asked him NOT to buy) instead of the washing set I have been trying to get for over a year?
I'm thinking of opening my own bank account elsewhere that he doesn't know about, but I don't know how I'll manage to keep a roof over our heads if I'm siphoning money away from where he can see it.
My MIL and SIL have both offered to help me out before, but I know they are waiting on me to make the first real move in confronting my H. I just don't know where to begin. I feel like such a weakling. It seems like even when I try to start the conversation with him it just fizzles out. And I know it's pointless to have the talk with him while he's drunk, but that's like ALL THE TIME. I just want to ship his lazy butt off to the military so someone can force some discipline on him. I keep going back and forth between blaming myself and blaming him. I knew he used to drink, so I feel stupid for trusting him. But he wasn't like this when I married him, so I'm angry at all the promises he's broken because HE changed. And I'm really, REALLY angry about all the hopes and dreams that I now have to give up, and none of it is because of a lack of dedication on MY part.
I have to attend an AA/NA meeting tonight as part of a community project for school, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it. I'm either going to leave really angry or in tears.
I just truly don't understand people who let their lives suck on purpose. He could have EVERYTHING he wanted and such a fun life if he would stop being so stupid. UGH!
(I know...this post was written in anger. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just venting because I feel like the healthy way of dealing with things is failing me at the moment.)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I think it's normal and a good thing to be angry about him breaking promises. When I was no longer angry with XAH for breaking his promises is when things got really scary for me. And I truly think that is when I started to lose who I was.
What I've had (am having) to learn is that emotions are not bad or good, they just are. They're a signal to us of how things are going. Anger can be a useful tool if harnessed correctly and can spur us to start taking the steps we need to take.
When I started separating finances with XAH, I worried about the same thing - making ends meet while trying to save money. Even if it's something you want to / need to do, it doesn't have to be a lot that is saved; a few dollars here and there eventually adds up.
And, personally, I was amazed by the fact that once XAH no longer had access to the money that I needed for our household, I was actually able to start getting ALL of the bills paid without his paycheck. (Which is a good thing, because, who the heck knows where his were going...)
As for letting him be responsible for as making his own lunches: my first thought is "YEAH!!!!! Yay, cdbf78891! You're not his mama!" Not exactly helpful, I know, but... (Have you heard the song Momma's Boy by Elizabeth and the Catapults?)
Hang in there. You're going to be OK, you ARE OK.
What I've had (am having) to learn is that emotions are not bad or good, they just are. They're a signal to us of how things are going. Anger can be a useful tool if harnessed correctly and can spur us to start taking the steps we need to take.
When I started separating finances with XAH, I worried about the same thing - making ends meet while trying to save money. Even if it's something you want to / need to do, it doesn't have to be a lot that is saved; a few dollars here and there eventually adds up.
And, personally, I was amazed by the fact that once XAH no longer had access to the money that I needed for our household, I was actually able to start getting ALL of the bills paid without his paycheck. (Which is a good thing, because, who the heck knows where his were going...)
As for letting him be responsible for as making his own lunches: my first thought is "YEAH!!!!! Yay, cdbf78891! You're not his mama!" Not exactly helpful, I know, but... (Have you heard the song Momma's Boy by Elizabeth and the Catapults?)
Hang in there. You're going to be OK, you ARE OK.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
If I set up a boundary, it just gets trampled on.
Boundaries that work are boundaries that I maintain so unless I trample them myself then they always stay in place. A boundary that only works if the A cooperates with it is not really a boundary it is an attempt to control another person's behavior. I know it is hard - but guard your boundaries - you are your own guard dog!
I just truly don't understand people who let their lives suck on purpose.
Remember you have freedom of choice in your life - you can choose if your life sucks whether he drinks or not.
Peace-
B
Boundaries that work are boundaries that I maintain so unless I trample them myself then they always stay in place. A boundary that only works if the A cooperates with it is not really a boundary it is an attempt to control another person's behavior. I know it is hard - but guard your boundaries - you are your own guard dog!
I just truly don't understand people who let their lives suck on purpose.
Remember you have freedom of choice in your life - you can choose if your life sucks whether he drinks or not.
Peace-
B
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
I just truly don't understand people who let their lives suck on purpose.
Remember you have freedom of choice in your life - you can choose if your life sucks whether he drinks or not.
I was going to post the same thing. You have choices. Reading your post reminds me of how difficult living with a Manchild is. My STBXAH spend money like we had a money tree growing in the backyard.
CDB, you get one shot at life. Live it wisely. What are YOU getting out of this relationship?
peace
Remember you have freedom of choice in your life - you can choose if your life sucks whether he drinks or not.
I was going to post the same thing. You have choices. Reading your post reminds me of how difficult living with a Manchild is. My STBXAH spend money like we had a money tree growing in the backyard.
CDB, you get one shot at life. Live it wisely. What are YOU getting out of this relationship?
peace
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Boundaries and detachemt are for you. You not letting his actions affect you. They are not going to change his behaviour, just the way you feel about it. If you think of it that way than you see the only person that can trample them is yourself. Otherwise, just as Bernadette said you're not setting boundaries or detaching, you're only trying to control him.
It took me a long time to get my head around that concept.
Also, in regard to not being able to speak to him when he's drunk, and him being that way all the time, would it be any comfort if I told you it wouldn't make much difference having a conversation with him when he is not under the influence? There is no right moment in which you could speak to him and make him see. Even through the short (if exsistant) periods when he's not drunk he is still the same man, with a same brain and same inability to do differently from what he is doing. He can't see your point because he is not ready. If he was than he wouldn't need you to tell him all that.
You see there is nothing you can do about it? No right words you can say in the right moment, no right action you can undertake to make him stop. He will do it only when and if he is ready.
The only thing you can do is protect yourself. It took me forever to figure that out, I hope you'll get there faster than I did.
HUGS
It took me a long time to get my head around that concept.
Also, in regard to not being able to speak to him when he's drunk, and him being that way all the time, would it be any comfort if I told you it wouldn't make much difference having a conversation with him when he is not under the influence? There is no right moment in which you could speak to him and make him see. Even through the short (if exsistant) periods when he's not drunk he is still the same man, with a same brain and same inability to do differently from what he is doing. He can't see your point because he is not ready. If he was than he wouldn't need you to tell him all that.
You see there is nothing you can do about it? No right words you can say in the right moment, no right action you can undertake to make him stop. He will do it only when and if he is ready.
The only thing you can do is protect yourself. It took me forever to figure that out, I hope you'll get there faster than I did.
HUGS
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Boundaries and detachemt are for you. You not letting his actions affect you. They are not going to change his behaviour, just the way you feel about it. If you think of it that way than you see the only person that can trample them is yourself. Otherwise, just as Bernadette said you're not setting boundaries or detaching, you're only trying to control him.
It took me a long time to get my head around that concept.
Also, in regard to not being able to speak to him when he's drunk, and him being that way all the time, would it be any comfort if I told you it wouldn't make much difference having a conversation with him when he is not under the influence? There is no right moment in which you could speak to him and make him see. Even through the short (if exsistant) periods when he's not drunk he is still the same man, with a same brain and same inability to do differently from what he is doing. He can't see your point because he is not ready. If he was than he wouldn't need you to tell him all that.
You see there is nothing you can do about it? No right words you can say in the right moment, no right action you can undertake to make him stop. He will do it only when and if he is ready.
The only thing you can do is protect yourself. It took me forever to figure that out, I hope you'll get there faster than I did.
HUGS
It took me a long time to get my head around that concept.
Also, in regard to not being able to speak to him when he's drunk, and him being that way all the time, would it be any comfort if I told you it wouldn't make much difference having a conversation with him when he is not under the influence? There is no right moment in which you could speak to him and make him see. Even through the short (if exsistant) periods when he's not drunk he is still the same man, with a same brain and same inability to do differently from what he is doing. He can't see your point because he is not ready. If he was than he wouldn't need you to tell him all that.
You see there is nothing you can do about it? No right words you can say in the right moment, no right action you can undertake to make him stop. He will do it only when and if he is ready.
The only thing you can do is protect yourself. It took me forever to figure that out, I hope you'll get there faster than I did.
HUGS
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