Nothing changes
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
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Nothing changes
Hi Everyone
I've been married 25 years.My dear wife has had a perscription addiction from the beginning with periods of sobriety 3 yrs then 10 yrs.I have been here before she is actively using and claims back pain .She has some Doctor giving her (180) 750mg Vicodin per month.I attend alanon and myself I'm in recovery and go to AA meetings as well.Personally I'm very disapointed with my situation and have completely detached and feel lost once again.We are going to counseling but its like a huge elephant in the room and I've told that counselor who is in recovery I'm done and that nothing changes.At the beginning of the sessions he asked that I don't move out for 90 days.I feel I can't keep that promise.She is very cleaver in spinning the "PAIN" deal and at times I can fall for it myself .Sure the bed is made,Coffee is ready and simple needs are met.But she is unavailble and now I've detached even more.It's hard not to "One Up the situation" and run.On top of all that .We had a small dog for 10 years her entire last sobriety.She pressed the dog is not doing well and I agreed to go to the vet and we put the dog down last week.I'm devastated and now even a little blame has creeped in.I know I'm telling a negative story.I can also tell you of beautiful things that have happened through out our life.But it's very hard to look at this time in life
I've been married 25 years.My dear wife has had a perscription addiction from the beginning with periods of sobriety 3 yrs then 10 yrs.I have been here before she is actively using and claims back pain .She has some Doctor giving her (180) 750mg Vicodin per month.I attend alanon and myself I'm in recovery and go to AA meetings as well.Personally I'm very disapointed with my situation and have completely detached and feel lost once again.We are going to counseling but its like a huge elephant in the room and I've told that counselor who is in recovery I'm done and that nothing changes.At the beginning of the sessions he asked that I don't move out for 90 days.I feel I can't keep that promise.She is very cleaver in spinning the "PAIN" deal and at times I can fall for it myself .Sure the bed is made,Coffee is ready and simple needs are met.But she is unavailble and now I've detached even more.It's hard not to "One Up the situation" and run.On top of all that .We had a small dog for 10 years her entire last sobriety.She pressed the dog is not doing well and I agreed to go to the vet and we put the dog down last week.I'm devastated and now even a little blame has creeped in.I know I'm telling a negative story.I can also tell you of beautiful things that have happened through out our life.But it's very hard to look at this time in life
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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Originally Posted by Ovid 
We are going to counseling but its like a huge elephant in the room
You have my condolences on the loss of your precious fur baby. The kitty in my avatar was the sole source of joy some days, while addiction and codependency was doing it's best to destroy our lives. She's the princess around here and this is her castle
Congrats to you on your own recovery! Please do whatever you need to protect it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Ovid))
Please accept my heartfelt sympathy at the loss of your dear family member/pet.
Sometimes in life, we just come to the point that we know that we know we can no longer walk this path ~ If you feel that you have reached this point there is nothing wrong with informing the counseling and your wife. There is nothing wrong with being, honest, open, but remember we don't have to do with a mean spirit. And if you have reached this point the mean/hate feelings are probably gone, anyway
Wishing you the best as you decide what is healthy & best for you!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Please accept my heartfelt sympathy at the loss of your dear family member/pet.
Sometimes in life, we just come to the point that we know that we know we can no longer walk this path ~ If you feel that you have reached this point there is nothing wrong with informing the counseling and your wife. There is nothing wrong with being, honest, open, but remember we don't have to do with a mean spirit. And if you have reached this point the mean/hate feelings are probably gone, anyway
Wishing you the best as you decide what is healthy & best for you!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
I like what you both had to say.Its true working at counseling with active addiction is futile.I was thinking 10 years ago I would have defended every inch of what couldn't be fixed.Rita I understand so well what you are sharing.My mother told me recently "If you put down that cross, Your out of the parade,She is your cross to bear".Everyone knows what to do except me.My big dilemma is when I don't pay attention to her addiction and just due what I want.Go to meetings .Hang out with other program people on my off time I feel better.But how long can that last?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Ovid))) - I'm a recovering addict and recovering codie myself. Though I didn't marry the third ex-addict bf (XABF), I did love him but got to where I was no longer IN love with him. I had started reading here, realized how many years I'd put into worrying about, trying to fix, everyone else.
At first, I felt lost..I didn't even know who I WAS when I didn't have anyone else to focus on. SR has been a huge help to me, and it sounds like you're making some good choices. I'm so sorry about your furbaby, and know if it were me, my emotions would be pretty raw.
It's hard to imagine a life, doing what we want to do when we're not even sure what it IS we want to do. We find our way, though, and there was a huge sense of relief for me to realize I could let go. There was also grief and all those other feelings, but life does go on.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
At first, I felt lost..I didn't even know who I WAS when I didn't have anyone else to focus on. SR has been a huge help to me, and it sounds like you're making some good choices. I'm so sorry about your furbaby, and know if it were me, my emotions would be pretty raw.
It's hard to imagine a life, doing what we want to do when we're not even sure what it IS we want to do. We find our way, though, and there was a huge sense of relief for me to realize I could let go. There was also grief and all those other feelings, but life does go on.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Ovid))
I'm so glad your wife is getting help for herself and her addiction problem.
What a great opportunity for HER and for you - now you have the opportunity to focus on taking care of YOU and your recovery! It may not solve all the problems that your relationship has but hopefully it will give you both a healthy outlook to know what direction you need to take!
PINK HUGS & best wishes for both of you!!
Rita
I'm so glad your wife is getting help for herself and her addiction problem.
What a great opportunity for HER and for you - now you have the opportunity to focus on taking care of YOU and your recovery! It may not solve all the problems that your relationship has but hopefully it will give you both a healthy outlook to know what direction you need to take!
PINK HUGS & best wishes for both of you!!
Rita
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Ovid, so glad you are a double winner and hope you continue to find strength and serenity in the WE. Has your wife ever done any recovery work? Counseling, seems to me, can be a great added bonus and can excavate issues...but recovery, for me, had to come first to clear the way for the deeper work. Re: you can't operate on a bone if there's an infection in the skin surrounding it.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Originally Posted by lesliej
Ovid, so glad you are a double winner and hope you continue to find strength and serenity in the WE. Has your wife ever done any recovery work? Counseling, seems to me, can be a great added bonus and can excavate issues...but recovery, for me, had to come first to clear the way for the deeper work. Re: you can't operate on a bone if there's an infection in the skin surrounding it.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
My ex studied psych and new all about it, then sat in my therapists office with me as a guest visit and lied through his teeth about his use...one of the landmark events in my timeline...thankful to not forget that one.
A. You don't have to answer the phone...OR you can communicate truthfully and say that you are wiped out and just can't talk right now.
B. What is the rush?! 5 days isn't going to do much for her that's for sure, and it sure won't do much for you. Maybe you don't need to make a decision right now. Maybe you can take a break. If she isn't willing to go into treatment then why not spend those funds on a "treatment" for you, as in a separate cozy little place to live for a few weeks.
Give yourself a break, time to think, time to rest. I remember when my ex went into treatment last time I fell on the couch and could simply not believe how totally exhausted I was!!! I remember very clearly...another landmark moment...I didn't realize until he was "somewhere safe" how much of my energy went into being a backseat driver.
A. You don't have to answer the phone...OR you can communicate truthfully and say that you are wiped out and just can't talk right now.
B. What is the rush?! 5 days isn't going to do much for her that's for sure, and it sure won't do much for you. Maybe you don't need to make a decision right now. Maybe you can take a break. If she isn't willing to go into treatment then why not spend those funds on a "treatment" for you, as in a separate cozy little place to live for a few weeks.
Give yourself a break, time to think, time to rest. I remember when my ex went into treatment last time I fell on the couch and could simply not believe how totally exhausted I was!!! I remember very clearly...another landmark moment...I didn't realize until he was "somewhere safe" how much of my energy went into being a backseat driver.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Posts: 58
L
I first asked her,Did someone call your Dr to cancel your (180) Vicodin script?.She said "NO".I asked her whats the Dr's name?.She said "I don't remember".She said she wanted to come home Sat or Sun.I asked her what did the Hospital suggest?.She said they want her to stay for an extended period.But the food is terrible and there's no snacks I told her that its been so nice without all the noise and moods and I was happy alone and she should find somewhere else to go to work on her sobriety that I can't live in that madness anymore.CLICK!!.I've never said that in 25 years of marriage.HELP AGAIN!!
O
I first asked her,Did someone call your Dr to cancel your (180) Vicodin script?.She said "NO".I asked her whats the Dr's name?.She said "I don't remember".She said she wanted to come home Sat or Sun.I asked her what did the Hospital suggest?.She said they want her to stay for an extended period.But the food is terrible and there's no snacks I told her that its been so nice without all the noise and moods and I was happy alone and she should find somewhere else to go to work on her sobriety that I can't live in that madness anymore.CLICK!!.I've never said that in 25 years of marriage.HELP AGAIN!!
O
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Ovid,
If you are speaking your truth to her then good for you! The food & snack excuse is so completely out of control. Unbelievable!! As hard as it is it is probably the most important thing for her to hear right now. Someone has to stand up to her addiction, and it is you. You are standing up to her addiction, not because you think doing so will cure or control her addiction...but because YOU want to stand up to the addiction and say NO, I do not want to live with addiction. Who does??? Only unhealthy people would want to live with addiction, or somehow a person figures out how to stay healthy and still "share life" with an active addict? No thank you, what an energy drain. Black hole.
I am really proud of you for saying no.
It's like a first step toward real action. It must be freaking you out! That first step in definitive action is wild...for me it conjured some inner remembrance of wild freedom that was buried under exhaustion and grief, anxiety and worry.
three weeks later I still struggle but at least 85% of the time or more I am experiencing freedom of spirit, energy, creativity and life is filling in all around me in pretty amazing ways!!!!
Stay the course Ovid...give yourself time. And the beauty of recovery is that in doing so you end up giving her time. Recovery is contagious. Your recovery, your steps forward help heal other people. It may just help her...no saying...no knowing...but it helps the WE... it helps me! Stay courageous. Stand up for your spiritual well being.
No snacks????!!!!
If you are speaking your truth to her then good for you! The food & snack excuse is so completely out of control. Unbelievable!! As hard as it is it is probably the most important thing for her to hear right now. Someone has to stand up to her addiction, and it is you. You are standing up to her addiction, not because you think doing so will cure or control her addiction...but because YOU want to stand up to the addiction and say NO, I do not want to live with addiction. Who does??? Only unhealthy people would want to live with addiction, or somehow a person figures out how to stay healthy and still "share life" with an active addict? No thank you, what an energy drain. Black hole.
I am really proud of you for saying no.
It's like a first step toward real action. It must be freaking you out! That first step in definitive action is wild...for me it conjured some inner remembrance of wild freedom that was buried under exhaustion and grief, anxiety and worry.
three weeks later I still struggle but at least 85% of the time or more I am experiencing freedom of spirit, energy, creativity and life is filling in all around me in pretty amazing ways!!!!
Stay the course Ovid...give yourself time. And the beauty of recovery is that in doing so you end up giving her time. Recovery is contagious. Your recovery, your steps forward help heal other people. It may just help her...no saying...no knowing...but it helps the WE... it helps me! Stay courageous. Stand up for your spiritual well being.
No snacks????!!!!
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I'm feeling pretty good about that.
(I am experiencing freedom of spirit, energy, creativity and life is filling in all around me in pretty amazing ways!!!!) I'm going to steal that and make it mine.I'm experiencing that in the 2-3 days I've had to myself.I'm hoping its going to last!!!!
(I am experiencing freedom of spirit, energy, creativity and life is filling in all around me in pretty amazing ways!!!!) I'm going to steal that and make it mine.I'm experiencing that in the 2-3 days I've had to myself.I'm hoping its going to last!!!!
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My mother called me to tell me my wife called from detox.I'm surprised that she would do that my wife never liked my Mom.She called crying and saying she wanted to come home for Christmas.It doesn't make much sense.Of course my she had my Mom eating out of her hand.
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Originally Posted by Ovid
My mother called me to tell me my wife called from detox.I'm surprised that she would do that my wife never liked my Mom.She called crying and saying she wanted to come home for Christmas.It doesn't make much sense.Of course she had my Mom eating out of her hand.
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