BrookersAZ

Hi everyone. I am brand new and just need a place to write. This site has already helped me in the last 24 hours. Two days ago at 1:38am I received a text from my 21 year old female cousin who lives a few states away asking me to Western Union her $100. I said no. She then became desperate and asked for $30 or $40, or anything I could spare. She wrote that it was important and she wouldn't be asking if it wasn't. I told her to ask her parents. She said no way, and for me please not to tell anyone family wise.

This is what I know. In July 2010 she showed up to my grandmother's funeral visibly high. She is living with a 41 year old, who according to her two brothers, is a major drug dealer and knows a lot of people in prison. Her parents appear to both be alcoholics (other history from long ago) and her younger brother (18 years) has already been arrested for possession of marijuana, drinks like crazy. Her younger brother told me once that she is on Zanax all the time. A year ago at Thanksgiving she told me she had been hospitalized recently for dehydration. She then told a different cousin that she was actually addicted to OxyContin but now clean.

I have avoided her for a year because I already experienced the lying. In the past month she has contacted my mom for my phone number, and as far as I know she did not ask my mom for money yet. This sweet girl and I used to be close (we are still about 10 years apart) and I love her dearly but I know this is not her right now, it's the addiction. I was not prepared to be involved with her addiction until she texted me and now I can't sleep because of worry. I feel selfish because I don't want this! Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I will see her mom, dad, and two brothers. She has decided not to join us this year (which is a long standing tradition amongst all of our family).

In the text message I told her I would not say anything, but that is the only area where I am unsure right now. Do I talk to her parents? Bring it up once? Mention it in passing? Tell my parents too? I am closer to her older brother who right now has his life together and from the outside does not seem to be struggling with any addictions. I don't know if I can just let it go because it is eating me up. I don't want to ruin Thanksgiving (once again, this sounds so selfish!). I thought about waiting until the weekend, but I am not sure if I can even bring it up to her parents when they are addicts themselves. We are a very ""quiet" family and don't talk about this stuff.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for your time.

suki44883

I think you should MYOB, as Ann Landers would say. Her business is her business and your business is yours. Telling her family would only cause concern and then tongues start wagging and it's really none of their business either.

atalose

I agree with suki44883, this is between you and her, period.

You can’t look to the damaged people in her life to help her. She is the only one who can help herself.

Maybe after the holiday and family get together you can mention to your mom that she texted you requesting money and it made you feel uncomfortable.

PaperDolls

I don't see any harm in saying that you are concerned about her. You don't have to give details, that she asked for money.

Pretending like everything is fine doesn't do anyone any favors. Not the addict and certainly not the family. One of the things that killed me growing up with a alcoholic mother .... everyone acted like everything was perfect. As a young child, I knew thinks were not ok but then second guessed myself because everyone else acted like it was all ok. It was very confusing for me.

Certainly telling a lie to "protect" her is NOT a good idea.

Don't feel guilty for not loaning the money. I think you did the right thing.

lesliej

as far as I am concerned transparency is the way to be. honesty is the key. I wagged my tongue at everyone, checked in, discovered, discussed. for me it was part of the way that I did away with the unhealthy eggshells and most importantly I got to the place where the honesty was FOR ME (I actually used to think I could help my XABF facilitate his honesty in order to recover) it was for me because I honestly knew that I had done everything I could possibly do AND that I honestly found out much more of what he was doing...which allowed me to detach and walk away.

if I had minded my own business and not opened up multiple channels of communication the shell game deception would be still strong and in operation. I consider some communication a "need to know basis"

I know my opinion probably has a lot of weak spots and holes, but it did help me to detach

BrookersAZ

Thank you all, I think I will wait until I have the chance to talk to my cousin in more detail on the phone, instead of texting, and decide what to do then. I did have a chance to talk to my brother real quick, and he agrees that I don't have to say anything right now, this is nothing new, her parents and siblings probably have an idea of what is going on.

It still doesn't help the worry go away, but I have to let go, and let it be for now.

I am just concerned about the "mind your own business" because I feel the moment she asked me for money, it became my business. What I do with the information from now is up to me, and right now I am choosing not to tell the rest of the family. But it doesn't make the concern go away.

suki44883

The fact that she asked you for money became your business. It isn't your right to spread HER business around to the family. If she were a minor, then you could use the excuse that you're trying to protect her, but she is an adult. She has the right to live her life in any way she chooses and it is also her right who to tell and not tell. If her parents are addicts, too, then what do you think will be accomplished by telling them her business?

BrookersAZ

True, so is this a common thread of friends/family of addicts? That we think our actions somehow will have a positive outcome on the person addicted? And yes, her parents in the past have not shown themselves to be positive role models in many ways, or they chose to ignore what is happening even right in front of their own noses.

Have others had experience of letting go of the idea that I can do something to positively change the situation?

That is where I come back to. Thinking "maybe if I tell someone else I will have done one small thing that may help her recover in the long run." But I think that is just me over-thinking it. And obsessing! (Which, yes, I have my own difficulties too--this is an example of when I can work on my own reactions also).

suki44883

It's very common, in the beginning, to think we can do something to help the addict; however, we are not that powerful. It takes some of us longer than others to realize that. No one can make the addict get help and any "help" we try to force on them will not work unless they, themselves, want it more than anything.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It's sad when we see people we care about making such lousy choices with their lives, but we cannot change anyone or make anyone want recovery. It must come from inside the addict themselves.

atalose

Try and stick to the facts and not what you WISH things could be.

You’ve avoided this person for a year.

You used to be close.

She lied to you a year ago on Thanksgiving about her why she was in the hospital.

She tracks down your number NOT to call at an appropriate time to say hi and see how you are doing………but texts at 1:38AM for money.

Her past history with drug addiction and the company she continues to keep.

No doubt you love her very much and are extremely concerned and worried. It’s so hard on those that love addicts, the helplessness the doubts of the….if onlys. We can preach, we can love, we can attempt interventions, we can seek help from anyone that will listen……….but until the addict themselves want to stop using all we can do is hope for the best for them and be there when and if they are ready for support in getting clean and staying clean.

Here is a classic sticky that pretty much says it all:

What Addicts Do

My name's ______. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________

BrookersAZ

Hi everyone--I wrote less than a year ago and just found out my cousin is in the hospital with Rhabdomyolysis. She claims she did not OD on cocaine, but that is what her parents tell me. I had a chance to speak to her on the phone and she told me "I think I may have to go to rehab." I told her that all I want is for her to be healthy and I am not judging her, or that no one in our family is. She said "behind close doors I am sure you are judging me." I just kept repeating that if something is out of her control and she needs help that it's completely fine, there are people who can help her through this, that know how to deal with drug addiction or who have been there before (I am not one of those). I know it's the addiction speaking, but she is also depressed because her boyfriend is dying of lung cancer, which today was the first time she could openly tell me that on the phone. She is also very drugged with pain medication because of the Rhabdomyolysis, but that has been a problem for her in the past also.

Are there any other things to say besides "I love you, I worry about you, and I hope you choose to seek recovery?" I know it won't help until she is ready. Her family tells us to keep calling her so that she knows she has love from afar, but I have mixed feelings because I don't think it even has an effect on her anyway. Just thought I would update and I love reading this whole forum, there are great stories with good advice.

outtolunch

Brookers,

I had never heard of Rhabdomyolysis and looked it up. I saw that alcohol and drugs are major risk factors/cause.

You are doing just fine. What you communicated was appropriate.

laurie6781

What you communicated was just fine.

I have had it this TWICE this year, caused by massive infections, one was a cellulitis infection in my legs, and the other was a kidney infection. I did not have the 'pain',
that she apparently has, but .............................. I have a very high tolerance for
pain. I am a diabetic.

This is however, very common also in practicing drug addicts and alcoholics. She is
in all likelihood getting massive doses of IV antibiotics. The doctors can pull her
through this, but yes, she is right she will need some type of rehab and then a sober
living environment house to learn how to live clean.

You can love her from afar and watch her actions.

Hope you continue to post about how you are doing as we do care.

Love and hugs,