I've been labeled narcissistic and selfish
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 25
I've been labeled narcissistic and selfish
I detached from both active alcoholic parents a few years ago. This detachment has caused quite a stir from my mother. Recently we've begun trying to hash things out. During one of our reconciliation talks she labeled me narcissistic and selfish, mainly due to the behaviors of detachment (I'm not there for her, I don't return calls, she's always last to know things, etc.)
I know I did the right thing by detaching when first starting recovery and I know I have done the right thing since. But it cuts like a knife to hear those words from a parent. What I see as doing healthy things for myself, they see as narcissistic and selfish.
My gut reaction is to hurl those words back at her in a hurtful manner, but that does not help recovery. It's just, how do I not let those words hurt me as much as they have?
I know I did the right thing by detaching when first starting recovery and I know I have done the right thing since. But it cuts like a knife to hear those words from a parent. What I see as doing healthy things for myself, they see as narcissistic and selfish.
My gut reaction is to hurl those words back at her in a hurtful manner, but that does not help recovery. It's just, how do I not let those words hurt me as much as they have?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, yeah, it is hard to not be hurt and hurl the insults right back.....takes a lot of practice!
I have had to back away from people for a while, and then re-engage so that I could keep my own peace and so I would maintain my boundaries.
Perhaps keep in mind why you went no contact to begin with and remind yourself that she is responsible for the consequences of her own behaviors. One of those consequences being limited contact with you.
I have had to back away from people for a while, and then re-engage so that I could keep my own peace and so I would maintain my boundaries.
Perhaps keep in mind why you went no contact to begin with and remind yourself that she is responsible for the consequences of her own behaviors. One of those consequences being limited contact with you.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Ah, yes. I find it most interesting when people go on the offensive with that kind of talk, all under the guise of "reconciliation." In my experience that kind of so-called reconciliation means I have to conform to what they want, and if I'm not doing that then suddenly I'm selfish, etc.
I have to find ways to vent. I write a letter I don't send, phone a friend or 10 who are in recovery or support me in my recovery, take a long walk, etc. So far I've come to the conclusion each time that I need the venting in order to really figure out how I want to ultimately respond (or decide to not respond at all). The no-contact thing may elicit insanity from family members because they want me to return to the ways I related to them in the past, but that doesn't mean I have to go there myself.
Interestingly enough I'm currently in the venting stage of writing to my ACOA mother and codependent father. I really want to let them have it, after I received an unbelievable e-mail from them last week. Talk about denial! But I like myself better when I approach things in a planful way. And I will never "win" when it comes to them, I will not ever do it the "right" way, because my mother is never truly satisfied, and my father supports her in that.
But I like me, and have lots of friends and support, and that's plenty good enough. The rest is about my learning how to grieve and let go, one day at a time.
Wishing you peace with yourself,
posie
I have to find ways to vent. I write a letter I don't send, phone a friend or 10 who are in recovery or support me in my recovery, take a long walk, etc. So far I've come to the conclusion each time that I need the venting in order to really figure out how I want to ultimately respond (or decide to not respond at all). The no-contact thing may elicit insanity from family members because they want me to return to the ways I related to them in the past, but that doesn't mean I have to go there myself.
Interestingly enough I'm currently in the venting stage of writing to my ACOA mother and codependent father. I really want to let them have it, after I received an unbelievable e-mail from them last week. Talk about denial! But I like myself better when I approach things in a planful way. And I will never "win" when it comes to them, I will not ever do it the "right" way, because my mother is never truly satisfied, and my father supports her in that.
But I like me, and have lots of friends and support, and that's plenty good enough. The rest is about my learning how to grieve and let go, one day at a time.
Wishing you peace with yourself,
posie
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Words can hurt like a knife if we let them. The one thing that comes to mind is that old saying, “sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me”. It’s childish what your mother said to you, the ramblings of an alcohol soaked brain.
I remember when I would always look for the opportunity to talk with my dad when I knew he had not consumed any alcohol. What I learned was, it didn’t matter if he hadn’t had a drink all day or for 2 days, his thought process was still off the wall. It wasn’t until he’d been sober for a while that we were able to have a normal conversation with no cursing, backlash or hurtful word stones being thrown.
When he was drinking I learned to keep my visits short and my conversations quick. I learned the signs of his drinking, I could look at him and know, I could hear it in his voice over the phone, that was my signal to disengage. I’d end the conversation quickly – someone was ringing my door bell! I’d leave quickly – just stopped by to say a quick hello I’m off to an appointment now, see you!
It’s a struggle I know and words can hurt like a knife. Not to make any excuse for her/them but remember the source and the ill thinking behind them. I’ve heard it said that alcoholism is a disease of thought. I know in my experience with a loved one that that the years of consumption certainly affected his thinking and thoughts. When I was able to wrap my mind around that, those hurtful words no longer hurt like a knife and my thoughts were in a healthier place to deal with it.
((hugs))
I remember when I would always look for the opportunity to talk with my dad when I knew he had not consumed any alcohol. What I learned was, it didn’t matter if he hadn’t had a drink all day or for 2 days, his thought process was still off the wall. It wasn’t until he’d been sober for a while that we were able to have a normal conversation with no cursing, backlash or hurtful word stones being thrown.
When he was drinking I learned to keep my visits short and my conversations quick. I learned the signs of his drinking, I could look at him and know, I could hear it in his voice over the phone, that was my signal to disengage. I’d end the conversation quickly – someone was ringing my door bell! I’d leave quickly – just stopped by to say a quick hello I’m off to an appointment now, see you!
It’s a struggle I know and words can hurt like a knife. Not to make any excuse for her/them but remember the source and the ill thinking behind them. I’ve heard it said that alcoholism is a disease of thought. I know in my experience with a loved one that that the years of consumption certainly affected his thinking and thoughts. When I was able to wrap my mind around that, those hurtful words no longer hurt like a knife and my thoughts were in a healthier place to deal with it.
((hugs))
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