sliceme

i started in recovery back in April and i can't seem to make it more than 46 days. last relapse, i lasted 42 days. it seems every time i take a step forward, i take ten steps backwards. i employed all of the meager coping skills that i have learned since April and it still wasn't enough. i still relapsed. so i started over yet again. Day 3 down, and counting!!

artsoul

Welcome, slice!

Day 3 is great - things should get better from here. Getting sober was (and still is) a process for me. I felt like I went through phases, especially in the first 3-4 months. At one point, I felt bored, and at another point I just wanted a "break" from having to be sober. Sometimes I felt like I just had no interest in anything.

I think part of it is just our brain resetting itself and part is just what we have to go through before we find a life we can get enthusiastic about. I don't have the ups and downs now that I did during the first months of sobriety.

If you know what led you back to drinking and think about some specific solutions to that, it might help....(?)

Glad you're here - never give up!

Chloe60

Hi sliceme, it looks like you are doing great! Because you keep trying - and 40 plus days is NOTHING to sneeze at. It seems to me that the biggest part of your story is that you dust it off and get right back to it right away. That is really awesome sliceme! Today is day 3? Make a plan. Yippie! Stay with it, ok?

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Slice.

SR has made all the difference for me. You'll get a ton of support here. Glad you found us.

Dee74

Hi slice

maybe then, like I did, you need some more skills?

This is a good place to start looking - lots of support and good ideas here

welcome
D

IndaMiricale

Hi Slice and welcome,

I to have relapsed , twice since June . But seems we both get right back up and do it again. Fake it till we make it .

Each time I tried to learn why and what I need to do , so lets keep going forward and love life of soberity.

Have a beautiful holiday

Fenris

The important thing is that you keep trying Slice. I've slipped/relapsed three times since May and what I did, first and foremost, was pick myself up and dive back into my recovery. Each time, I studied what happened, what was going on inside and around me, and made an effort to learn ways not to make the same mistakes twice. It's been trial-and-error, but here I am with 65 days clean and sober, something I haven't experienced in almost half my life. Keep coming back, Slice.

--Fenris.

sliceme

thank you very much everyone that commented! i appreciate all of the support. tonight is bad. i'm on day 5 and i am not sure i'm going to make a sixth. i want to numb out so bad. it's never been this bad before. the last time i relapsed, i jumped right back into recovery and didn't really think about using again. not this time. it's pretty much all i think about now. i cut again today too twice. will probably do some more before the night is over. i truly thought friday night that i would never want to get high again. when i woke up saturday and i was still high from the night before, it just made me want it more and more. i truly hate this feeling. i am so confused and torn up inside. i keep hearing people say, "let go and let God". how am i supposed to do that? i am still so mad at "God" that i don't even want to speak to him, let alone give all of my problems over to him. forget that. where was he when i needed him then? i guess i don't know how to forgive him. i'm so freaking messed up, i hate it.

Dee74

If SR is the only thing you're using for support you could do worse than hang out here, slice.

SR saved me a few nights for sure.

what is it you want to numb out against exactly?
D

sliceme

Dee74, I have been having some flashbacks again from when I was younger. Plus the holidays are bad for me, I miss my sister so much I have a giant hole in my chest when she left me. I want to numb out but at the same time, I want to slice my arms up to feel. I want to feel something other than emotional pain though. There are many different reasons why I want to numb, these are just a few. My mom is slowly dying and I hate watching her slipping away bit by bit. I have numbed myself one way or another for 34 years. I am trying to learn how to live and cope with things without numbing but it is proving to be way more difficult than I ever imagined.

I am still getting used to this site. Is there actual chat places to talk live with people in my situation? I am working on getting a sponsor but I am very leary of it because of a past situation with a sponsor I had. She totally messed my head up bad.
Anyway, thanks for inquiring!