How does this end? Confused Crack addict's wife
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How does this end? Confused Crack addict's wife
My husband and I have been seperated 5 months since I discovered he was smoking crack. He quit his 6 figure job earlier in the year to "start a business" ...which never happened. We talk or see each other about once a month...in between no contact. I try and see if he's better but he's just worse in terms of denial and use. He now uses everyday and doesnt seem to do much else.
He keeps on telling me he'll quit ALL drugs..if I come home. He refuses rehab, counselling, meetings, recovery even though we have insurance to pay for it. (he even hates the word recovery) He went to rehab 8 yrs ago and stayed off crack for 6 years after but drank and used pot as soon as he left sober living. I think he just wants to die. No job, no wife, his parents refuse to speak to him...he communicates only with his dealer and once in a while and with friends who also use hard drugs. He is 40. I keep thinking he is going to die. We've gone round and round with arguing when we do talk.... Its like talking to a child... So we've stopped talking.
I go to meetings, focus on my job, trying to rebuild my life. Is this how it ends? All I think is that he's killing himself and its killing me. Ive told him I love him and will be there if he chooses full recovery... He said he already offered to quit and that rehab/meetings are not an option. I feel like im out of options except divorce. Thanks for reading and happy yhanksgiving
He keeps on telling me he'll quit ALL drugs..if I come home. He refuses rehab, counselling, meetings, recovery even though we have insurance to pay for it. (he even hates the word recovery) He went to rehab 8 yrs ago and stayed off crack for 6 years after but drank and used pot as soon as he left sober living. I think he just wants to die. No job, no wife, his parents refuse to speak to him...he communicates only with his dealer and once in a while and with friends who also use hard drugs. He is 40. I keep thinking he is going to die. We've gone round and round with arguing when we do talk.... Its like talking to a child... So we've stopped talking.
I go to meetings, focus on my job, trying to rebuild my life. Is this how it ends? All I think is that he's killing himself and its killing me. Ive told him I love him and will be there if he chooses full recovery... He said he already offered to quit and that rehab/meetings are not an option. I feel like im out of options except divorce. Thanks for reading and happy yhanksgiving
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: sc
Posts: 62
I know exactly how u feel my bf of 6 years started the same stuff a year and a half ago. I have not got to th3 no contact yet and he does not use everyday but he does use often about twice a week . My biggest issue w him is we have a 4 year old and a 5 month old he lives w his parent and they are the only baby sitters i have but I sure hope that's not where it end@ bc I sure do miss the man I love i see him deep inside from time to time I wish you the best of luck in your recovery and his. Lots of love
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Im sorry for what you are going through. For me dealing with an addict makes you crazy. Just remember, you aren't dealing with someone who is thinking clearly. It is devistating. Painful.
How does it end? I wonder that everyday. My x cocaine addict promises he is clean, but has done no recovery, hangs with the same people, is inconsistant, untrustworthy and secretive.
Focus on healing yourself. Focus on you. He doesn't want help.
Again, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Just know you are not alone.
How does it end? I wonder that everyday. My x cocaine addict promises he is clean, but has done no recovery, hangs with the same people, is inconsistant, untrustworthy and secretive.
Focus on healing yourself. Focus on you. He doesn't want help.
Again, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Just know you are not alone.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((oneday))) - I'm both a recovering crack addict and a codie - have loved ones who are/were addicted to various things, including crack.
My ES&H (experience, strength and hope) comes to you as a former crack addict. I seriously doubt he is going to quit the crack JUST because you move home. To me, he's wanting want he wants, but isn't willing to do the work to get better.
Personally? I had to lose a LOT of stuff, suffer some pretty harsh consequences, before I was even ready to consider recovery. I quit, for a better part of a year, but that's ALL I did...didn't address what makes me want to get high rather than deal with life. I relapsed.
At that point, I was facing the possibility of prison and had lost everything. I was miserable during my relapse, miserable without the crack. However, I chose to work recovery as hard as I could for 6 months..if at the end of those 6 months and I was still miserable? Crack is everywhere.
I built back the trust of my family by my actions. From what I see? He's talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I left my XABF#3 (slow learner) who continued to use crack. I realized I just couldn't trust him, even if he had 3 years of recovery, I would still be waiting for him to screw up.
He never did "get" recovery, died in a crack house of pneumonia because smoking crack was more important than going to a doctor.
Me? I've got over 4-1/2 years in recovery. I'm STILL dealing with consequences of my actions, but I have faith that I will get past them. I never even TOLD my family I was in recovery..I showed it. I just don't see him at that point, yet. He's still using "addict behavior" - I want what I want, when I want it.
You are doing great, working on you. It's hard to accept that we can't fix them, that they are manipulating us (I'll do better if YOU do this) but it is what it is. If he truly wanted his family back? He'd already BE doing what he needs to do..JMO.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Crack will make you stoop to lows you never thought you'd go. I wouldn't
My ES&H (experience, strength and hope) comes to you as a former crack addict. I seriously doubt he is going to quit the crack JUST because you move home. To me, he's wanting want he wants, but isn't willing to do the work to get better.
Personally? I had to lose a LOT of stuff, suffer some pretty harsh consequences, before I was even ready to consider recovery. I quit, for a better part of a year, but that's ALL I did...didn't address what makes me want to get high rather than deal with life. I relapsed.
At that point, I was facing the possibility of prison and had lost everything. I was miserable during my relapse, miserable without the crack. However, I chose to work recovery as hard as I could for 6 months..if at the end of those 6 months and I was still miserable? Crack is everywhere.
I built back the trust of my family by my actions. From what I see? He's talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I left my XABF#3 (slow learner) who continued to use crack. I realized I just couldn't trust him, even if he had 3 years of recovery, I would still be waiting for him to screw up.
He never did "get" recovery, died in a crack house of pneumonia because smoking crack was more important than going to a doctor.
Me? I've got over 4-1/2 years in recovery. I'm STILL dealing with consequences of my actions, but I have faith that I will get past them. I never even TOLD my family I was in recovery..I showed it. I just don't see him at that point, yet. He's still using "addict behavior" - I want what I want, when I want it.
You are doing great, working on you. It's hard to accept that we can't fix them, that they are manipulating us (I'll do better if YOU do this) but it is what it is. If he truly wanted his family back? He'd already BE doing what he needs to do..JMO.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Crack will make you stoop to lows you never thought you'd go. I wouldn't
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Thank you for sharing that Amy.. I needed to hear that and it strengthens my resolve to keep my boundaries firm. Thank you also for being on these boards.... Only someone who has done this drug can understand what it takes to pull oneself out...
Gfore... Im sorry. Honestly no contact and meetings literally saved my sanity and kept me going tovwkrk...things could be worse if I couldnt provide for myself. My husband used twice a week or less for about a year (he was working). Theres no difference... From what I saw theyre addicted and they are not sober long enough for their brain chemistry to heal. He became a bigger and bigger selfish ass. And twice a,week was what he told me. He became a bigger and bigger liar. And the crashes are so awful with this drug that there is no "regulation" of use after awhile. Hugs...
Gfore... Im sorry. Honestly no contact and meetings literally saved my sanity and kept me going tovwkrk...things could be worse if I couldnt provide for myself. My husband used twice a week or less for about a year (he was working). Theres no difference... From what I saw theyre addicted and they are not sober long enough for their brain chemistry to heal. He became a bigger and bigger selfish ass. And twice a,week was what he told me. He became a bigger and bigger liar. And the crashes are so awful with this drug that there is no "regulation" of use after awhile. Hugs...
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((oneday))) - If he's telling you "twice a week", I'd double that. This is not only my experience as an addict, but as a nurse (the career I lost to drugs). We would have people come in and say "oh, I only use...." but actions, lab tests would prove them false.
FWIW, when I started back "dabbling" with crack? I could do it once a month...then it went to once every two weeks, then once a week, then a full blown relapse where I was out on the streets, in a strange town, doing what female do to get crack, and just about got killed by the idiot I hooked up with.
I've never met an "occasional" crack user. We may not USE for a day or few, but it's on our minds...we're planning on how to get that next hit.
I don't want to sound all doom and gloom, as recovery IS possible..there are several recovering crack addicts on here. However, until he shows some action towards recovery? I just wouldn't trust him. I still loved XABF#3, but I realized that even if he had 3 years clean? I still wouldn't trust him. For me? That was it.
I have been a die-hard codie forever. I finally realized I couldn't fix him. I couldn't love him into recovery, just as no one loved me into it. If love was enough? There would be no need for this site.
I know it hurts, but you deserve a life that isn't worried about if he messes up again, if you'll come home and everything in your house has been pawned/sold for drugs (XABF#2 did that). I tucked XABF#3 into a part of my heart, still "talk" to him, and take him with me on days when I am overwhelmed with how much I have to be grateful for.
I got through the pain, the feeling of being a total idiot for having only 3 relationships (one was more than 20 years) and all were A's. Today? I think I've got it figured out what I DON'T want in a relationship
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
FWIW, when I started back "dabbling" with crack? I could do it once a month...then it went to once every two weeks, then once a week, then a full blown relapse where I was out on the streets, in a strange town, doing what female do to get crack, and just about got killed by the idiot I hooked up with.
I've never met an "occasional" crack user. We may not USE for a day or few, but it's on our minds...we're planning on how to get that next hit.
I don't want to sound all doom and gloom, as recovery IS possible..there are several recovering crack addicts on here. However, until he shows some action towards recovery? I just wouldn't trust him. I still loved XABF#3, but I realized that even if he had 3 years clean? I still wouldn't trust him. For me? That was it.
I have been a die-hard codie forever. I finally realized I couldn't fix him. I couldn't love him into recovery, just as no one loved me into it. If love was enough? There would be no need for this site.
I know it hurts, but you deserve a life that isn't worried about if he messes up again, if you'll come home and everything in your house has been pawned/sold for drugs (XABF#2 did that). I tucked XABF#3 into a part of my heart, still "talk" to him, and take him with me on days when I am overwhelmed with how much I have to be grateful for.
I got through the pain, the feeling of being a total idiot for having only 3 relationships (one was more than 20 years) and all were A's. Today? I think I've got it figured out what I DON'T want in a relationship
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
bc I sure do miss the man I love i see him deep inside from time to time I wish you the best of luck in your recovery and his. Lots of love
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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Hi wife. I was addicted to crack. I got off it 5 years or so ago. My ex didn't. He's still using. He's been in and out of prison. He's lost his teeth. He can't hold down a job. He hangs out with hookers. He deals dope to get more dope. He hasn't seen his son in more than two years. He's living what I consider a disgusting lifestyle (crack is very much a lifestyle choice). But it's his life to fix. Not mine.
Crack addicts are delusional. We say we are going to quit every day. But we go right back out and use again as soon as we are sober. The drug has control over our minds and it often takes something like jail to get us to stop using. No access. And when we get out of jail, unless we have a complete and total change of heart, usually we just go straight back to using and the lifestyle. The act of wholeheartedly committing yourself to recovery and figuring what it takes to stay clean is what saves a crack addict. No one can do it for us. No one can "help" us get better. And recovery from crack addiction takes years. It's a battle. And it's fought in our own minds. It's like there are two voices in our heads... one saying get high and one saying recover... and the voice we feed is the voice that wins. It's not easy to get off crack. And a lot of crack addicts just don't want to. (Of course they say the do... but their actions tell the truth).
So, knowing all this, and having lived that crazy crack lifestyle, I know that all I can do is focus on me and what I want out of life for my son. I am the only person I have control over. I had to let go of my now-ex and focus on me because there is one thing I know for sure - marriage and family can't compete with crack. Crack becomes your lover, your mistress, your master.
So how does it end? Well, life is a journey. It's YOUR journey - which is a separate journey from his. In my case, I picked up my pieces and I moved on.
I work. I date. I have healthy friends who don't use drugs. I live in a cute condo. I have a gorgeous son. I coach soccer. I'm a den-leader. I am filled with gratefulness for the life I have. His fathers not with us and that's a bummer but I can't make him be someone he's not. I can't make him be clean.
So welcome. I'm sure you will find lots of support and information here. Read and post as much as you can. And remember that you are not alone. And that your life is your life. And you get to choose your future.
Crack addicts are delusional. We say we are going to quit every day. But we go right back out and use again as soon as we are sober. The drug has control over our minds and it often takes something like jail to get us to stop using. No access. And when we get out of jail, unless we have a complete and total change of heart, usually we just go straight back to using and the lifestyle. The act of wholeheartedly committing yourself to recovery and figuring what it takes to stay clean is what saves a crack addict. No one can do it for us. No one can "help" us get better. And recovery from crack addiction takes years. It's a battle. And it's fought in our own minds. It's like there are two voices in our heads... one saying get high and one saying recover... and the voice we feed is the voice that wins. It's not easy to get off crack. And a lot of crack addicts just don't want to. (Of course they say the do... but their actions tell the truth).
So, knowing all this, and having lived that crazy crack lifestyle, I know that all I can do is focus on me and what I want out of life for my son. I am the only person I have control over. I had to let go of my now-ex and focus on me because there is one thing I know for sure - marriage and family can't compete with crack. Crack becomes your lover, your mistress, your master.
So how does it end? Well, life is a journey. It's YOUR journey - which is a separate journey from his. In my case, I picked up my pieces and I moved on.
I work. I date. I have healthy friends who don't use drugs. I live in a cute condo. I have a gorgeous son. I coach soccer. I'm a den-leader. I am filled with gratefulness for the life I have. His fathers not with us and that's a bummer but I can't make him be someone he's not. I can't make him be clean.
So welcome. I'm sure you will find lots of support and information here. Read and post as much as you can. And remember that you are not alone. And that your life is your life. And you get to choose your future.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sobriety isn’t a negotiation, someone either wants it or they don’t. It would appear your husband doesn’t.
So,
Your options are limitless where his are etched in stone.
It’s very true that when one door of happiness closes another one will always open.
((hugs))
So,
Your options are limitless where his are etched in stone.
It’s very true that when one door of happiness closes another one will always open.
((hugs))
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 9
I have to agree with atalose. sobriety is NOT a negotiation. My AH have been sober for 32 days. His DOC being cocaine. However, he still wants to try to negotiate when we will talk about our issues and when he will talk about how he feels during this stuggle. I am not living with him and I haven't been for the past 2 months. He now says we will talk all of the time if I move back home. I know this is him trying to maintain some sense of control. I made the choice not to give in. I am stronger than that. I love him and I am proud that he has gone to meetings and gotten a drug counselor. I am proud that he has reached his 30 days, but I will not let him manipulate me into doing something I know I am not comfortable with. Things can't always be on our terms, but please don't let him manipulate you into going home to an active addiction. It sounds like he really hasn't hit his bottom yet. My AH said it was coming home and realizing I had taken the kids and left. My AH had tried to seek help a month before I left, but he still didn't give up the drugs. He had to come to the decision to quit on his own and nothing I would have said would have made a difference. So now he has clean time, however as Impurrrfect said, the addict needs to work on not only getting clean but staying clean. That means addressing why they do the things they did in the first place. I know I have a long road ahead of me. I chose to be supportive from a distance as long as he is making stride to recover. I know in my heart that if he fails I will not. I will always do what is best for myself and my children. I wish you the best and I hope that you can begin your own recovery and know that you are what matters most.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
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I can well relate to the "delusional" you mention hello-kitty. it is crazy making to love someone who has the symptom of compulsive lying. I just have to turn my will over to a higher power...which often shows up in the voices that surround me, who love me, who tell me the real truth about the insanity of crack. my AXBF was not able to tell me the truth.
shame, guilt, remorse, craving, insanity, compulsive lying...so much more, and the man I love is buried way deep underneath it all. that part of him, I believe does want out, BUT the addict part of him has him in a stranglehold.
I look at letting him go as giving him some energy back. instead of lying to me and feeling shame toward me...maybe, just maybe he can use that energy...in the cold light of dawn...to find his way back to life.
my own delusion and denial about where he is just feeds the disease, keeps up the facade, reinforces his mask.
shame, guilt, remorse, craving, insanity, compulsive lying...so much more, and the man I love is buried way deep underneath it all. that part of him, I believe does want out, BUT the addict part of him has him in a stranglehold.
I look at letting him go as giving him some energy back. instead of lying to me and feeling shame toward me...maybe, just maybe he can use that energy...in the cold light of dawn...to find his way back to life.
my own delusion and denial about where he is just feeds the disease, keeps up the facade, reinforces his mask.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 45
If you have time read through my posts (my old name without spaces(so this wont show on google was cinderella w kids) My first few posts under butterflyflight was quite a fewmonths(i think) after my second restraining order and 10th or so separation.
My husband would go from daily use to whole new life sober 100 days, then bam daily use over and over. The last time 100 days wasnt enough and I refused to return yet, once again all crashed around him. I felt safe with RO but carried pepperspray everywhere and let dogs outside with a baseball bat and phone already dialed to 911. That was all after more than 6 years of verbal, emotional and eventual physical abuse.
You will be okay just keep going, dont what if and dont look back
My husband would go from daily use to whole new life sober 100 days, then bam daily use over and over. The last time 100 days wasnt enough and I refused to return yet, once again all crashed around him. I felt safe with RO but carried pepperspray everywhere and let dogs outside with a baseball bat and phone already dialed to 911. That was all after more than 6 years of verbal, emotional and eventual physical abuse.
You will be okay just keep going, dont what if and dont look back
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
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my new anthem...
Florence and the Machine, Shake it Out..."tonight I'm going to bury that horse in the ground"
Florence And The Machine - Shake It Out LIVE ACOUSTIC - YouTube
Florence and the Machine, Shake it Out..."tonight I'm going to bury that horse in the ground"
Florence And The Machine - Shake It Out LIVE ACOUSTIC - YouTube
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2
I ordered a book for my boyfriend who is addicted to crack. It is called Crack Cocaine:Let my people go. Written by pastor Willie Henderson. He used to be addicted for 20yrs. I haven't got the book yet in the mail, but I am hoping that he will read it. He has put me through hell with his disappearing and doing drugs with prostitutes etc. He lost his ex girlfriend and child because of his addiction. He doesn't ever see his 18yr old son either because he can't hold a job to pay for anything for either of them. He went to rehab for the first time last summer but he would not give up his old friends and relapsed.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
Desperate... please please give up trying to help him... try to help yourself. Go to an AlAnon meeting... If you can't do that... go to a website called crackreality.com and click on "Current Discussion Board" Then read read read read all the posts from women like you and me who have walked this hellish road of loving a crack addict. This site helped me A LOT. Also read "Thoughts and Observations" and "Treatment Centers" You, rehab, pastor Willie.. nobody can help him but HIMSELF and GOD. I'm so so so sorry but please take care of yourself. You are in my prayers.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Hello. I'm brand new here.
I wanted to thank you all for this thread. I have so many questions about crack, my sister claiming to have rehabbed from it twice, but still appearing suddenly sometimes, glowing with burns on her lips. We lost contact for about 6 years, after I knew she was using, but my father's death has forced us together again. She claims to be clean, but I smell alcohol on her breath, can tell when she's been drinking, and she lies so much!! I nearly lost my mind trying to keep up with her mood changes, and the deceit. Until the first time I saw the burns.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I need to read them all.
I wanted to thank you all for this thread. I have so many questions about crack, my sister claiming to have rehabbed from it twice, but still appearing suddenly sometimes, glowing with burns on her lips. We lost contact for about 6 years, after I knew she was using, but my father's death has forced us together again. She claims to be clean, but I smell alcohol on her breath, can tell when she's been drinking, and she lies so much!! I nearly lost my mind trying to keep up with her mood changes, and the deceit. Until the first time I saw the burns.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I need to read them all.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Hi Adularia,
Glad you found this site, hope you find some meetings too. reading as well...
I need/ed as much community as I had the strength to gather to counteract the lies that someone I love/d told me. The twisting of lies/manipulation (see "what an addict does"!) is crazy making if you don't have the perspectives of others to help you stay grounded.
My loved one was/is a lovely, charming, highly intelligent, very charismatic affectionate man...he twists reality to make his crack use "okay". I had to walk away, but still the lies he told twist around inside my conscience and I still need a lot of help unraveling and sorting through.
Sister love? I can only imaging the braided strands that bind you are even stronger. Good for you for finding this site. Continue to seek resources for yourself. Dealing with relationship, in whatever way you decide to, is going to take a lot of discernment and support. Addiction. Crack Addiction. what a nightmare. I'm trying to journey back to the fulfillment of my dreams.
Glad you found this site, hope you find some meetings too. reading as well...
I need/ed as much community as I had the strength to gather to counteract the lies that someone I love/d told me. The twisting of lies/manipulation (see "what an addict does"!) is crazy making if you don't have the perspectives of others to help you stay grounded.
My loved one was/is a lovely, charming, highly intelligent, very charismatic affectionate man...he twists reality to make his crack use "okay". I had to walk away, but still the lies he told twist around inside my conscience and I still need a lot of help unraveling and sorting through.
Sister love? I can only imaging the braided strands that bind you are even stronger. Good for you for finding this site. Continue to seek resources for yourself. Dealing with relationship, in whatever way you decide to, is going to take a lot of discernment and support. Addiction. Crack Addiction. what a nightmare. I'm trying to journey back to the fulfillment of my dreams.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Sobriety isn’t a negotiation, someone either wants it or they don’t.
Atalose: Oh my goodness...this is awesome! And it says it all for me. I am going to recite this over and over until it is etched in my brain.
Oneday: You sound VERY level headed. Keep staying where you are...eventually you will get to where you need to be. I am in the same boat, only been separated a year. Nothing changes. He is also arrogant and prideful - doesn't need rehab, etc., etc. Well, without it we are done. And that decision is for me, not him. I love him and want much more for him, but he doesn't. I can't do anything about that. I can only help myself get moving on with my life. I have wasted far too much of it already with this nonsense...and I'm not getting any younger! ****{HUGS}}}
Atalose: Oh my goodness...this is awesome! And it says it all for me. I am going to recite this over and over until it is etched in my brain.
Oneday: You sound VERY level headed. Keep staying where you are...eventually you will get to where you need to be. I am in the same boat, only been separated a year. Nothing changes. He is also arrogant and prideful - doesn't need rehab, etc., etc. Well, without it we are done. And that decision is for me, not him. I love him and want much more for him, but he doesn't. I can't do anything about that. I can only help myself get moving on with my life. I have wasted far too much of it already with this nonsense...and I'm not getting any younger! ****{HUGS}}}
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
NewNormal... I really needed to read your post right now. I had a moment of weakness when he said that I HAD LEFT HIM... I did but always promised to go back if he'd do rehab/recovery.. which he never will...I sent him a text saying what you just said.. that I wanted more from him and would never live with him unless he fully invested in recovery... I felt so miserable sending it.. like I was giving up on him... I'm not getting any younger either (just hit the big 40)... it kills me that he won't accept the gifts of free insurance covered rehab (60 days inpatient) and 2 years of IOP... that he won't try to live a new life.... are we married to the same guy? I literally need to completely detach myself, no contact, no "checking" for at least 60 days and invest in my recovery and life. Please don't let him manipulate you into thinking that you did the walking. Like I told my AH today... I never left my husband.. I left a drug addict who didn't want to do the work to get better... who didn't want to change. It's hard to admit but he wanted his cake and eat it too.. he never wanted to give up the high, and in the end he choose it over me and everything else. Hope you stay strong and steadfast in your truth...
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