Pigtails

I read on here a lot that people have the desire to control/moderate their drinking. To only be able to drink one or two drinks in a setting and then stop. That they fantasize about one day being "cured"/disciplined enough to do this.

I don't really have this desire. I don't see the point in only drinking one or two drinks, unless it's for appearance's sake, such as at an uppity company function or something. My fantasy is to be able to get tipsy/drunk on very rare occasions, such as my sister's wedding, New Year's Eve, maybe my birthday.... the rare times when everyone is drinking and it seems okay and pre-planned and without "consequences" because I would have a place to stay and/or transportion, and be around people who love me etc.

I know this is dangerous thinking but I am trying to address all my thoughts and what they mean. Does this mean I haven't truly gained the desire to remain sober? Does it mean I am hopeless? Or is there some tool I can use to get over this fantasy and tell myself, no, I don't want to ever drink, no matter what (even though it isn't always true)?

Sometimes my brain tells me, you are not a hopeless alcoholic, you just need to learn disclipline and structure in every area of your life, including your way of drinking. So if you are usually a non-drinker, you avoid the temptation to get drunk, and overall your life is better and more productive, allowing you the rare opportunities to let loose and celebrate with everyone else. Kind of an "I deserve it" type attitude, or a bargaining with myself out of fear of never being able to do something again.

:-/

pikkle69

Every other time I tried to think I was attempting a half-ass sobriety, the thought in the back of my head was always when I could start drinking again. That meant I really had no desire to become sober. I know that now because in this attempt (almost 4 weeks sober this time) I do not harbor those thoughts. I have it in my mind that I will never drink again. Not even 1 or 2, not even for special occasions, not if I get upset or stressed out, not if I'm in a good mood, not ever for any reason. This is how I know I'm serious this time because I've never put those thoughts in my head before, that I will never consume alcohol again, not a beer, a glass of wine, a shot, cold medicine, etc.

Why? Because I have it embedded in the logical part of my brain that if I ever drink again, I will die, plain and simple. I know I came close this last time, I know what it felt like to be near death and I will never again cause myself to knowingly feel like that again. This is how I am getting through it. I hope to never lose this fear and I don't think I will. It's the one memory I completely dread for good reason and hope to never forget.

Tigger41

I'll be watching this thread because I wish for the same thing (really really wish for this, like "upon a star" wish for this). BUT... I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's probably not going to work out this way.

For me it's starting to feel like I'm going to have to pick:

- Drink and have it continue to get progressively worse or
- Not drink and get used to not drinking

And when I think of it that way I think I'm going to be happier if I don't drink.

Pigtails

Yeah, I guess wanting to drink on special occasions means I'm not serious about staying sober. But I want to be serious. I just have these thoughts!! I have learned how to let that rational side of my brain talk the crazy part of my brain out of drinking but this is the area where it seems logical/okay. So perhaps I just need to realize that it's not logical or okay, that it's still drinking. Because I really do want to stay sober. Even if it's hard or uncomfortable or doesn't always feel like what I want in the moment.

SSIL75

So you want to be a normal drinker.

I think that's a normal alcoholic stage

I don't want it anymore because in recovery I've learned that it's not that big a deal. Getting a little tipsy twice a year? I'd rather save the calories and have an extra piece of cake.

If I got a little tipsy (which - LOL at the idea of me being able to stop at 'a little') then I'd be SCREAMING in my head how I wanted more more more .

Then the next day with a hangover I'd be dying for another drink.

I might as well get in my time machine and go back 5 years. BT, DT.

Pigtails

I'm really glad to know it's not just me.

I do feel happier not drinking. So I don't know why I would want to mess it up by drinking, even if in some kind of "fantasy bubble" where I've convinced myself it's okay.

I think that to really make my friends and family understand why I'm not drinking/can't drink, I need to tell them I have a problem and just can't drink ever again. That is scary to think about doing. But I have told them I'm trying to fix my sleep disorder and get some other physical and mental health issues under control, and, that works for awhile but then on very special occasions they, and I, will say "why not just this once?" So I need to just come clean and admit it's like poisen for me, it's just not healthy at all. My boyfriend said that he doesn't think I'm as bad as I think I am. So I often give myself permission to think I'm being hard on myself or I don't need to go to such drastic measures. But I want to be free from this obsession, which seems to take drastic measures to be able to do. :-/

Pigtails

Thank you for letting me know I'm normal (even if it's in the context of a normal alcoholic drinker. ) Sometimes I question everything!

I don't think I'd wake up with a hangover and want more; I think I might be disappointed with myself and wishing I hadn't broken my sobriety record. Which would be just as bad!

Tigger41

Or why can't you just say "No thanks" even at special occasions? I get why you think you won't be able to but I think more people will take that then not if we don't make a big deal about it.
I plan to come up with excuses until they stop asking... like "I have a horrible headache just right there and don't want to make it worse" or "I have heartburn that could kill right now and when I drink it makes it worse". Or how about I have diarrhea like you wouldn't believe (that will stop them from asking - no on elikes to talk about poop). I think you and I think they're going to ask a lot more then they actually will. I think after a time they'll just think "Oh Terri, well she just doesn't drink"

But sounds like we're in the same place right now (yuck!) I'm at 19 days.

Tigger41

I imagine the old timers looking at this posting and smiling.

You are aren't you???

Pigtails

They are so used to me drinking and it seems they depend on me to drink with them and give me a hard time if I don't. I know that much of this is from my own issues-- I shouldn't care what they think, I should be strong enough to just say "no thanks" no matter what, but I know myself, and sometimes I get weak. I feel like if I tell them "this is a life and death matter to me, that determines my ability to be happy and healthy," that will be enough of a hint for them to not even offer me alcohol or expect me to drink it.

Tigger41

Pigtails - then go with the poop excuse. Believe me NO ONE likes to talk about poop.

"Drinking gives me horrible diarrhea and I just can't deal with that anymore." Man - I like that one... I think I'll be using it. If you're in PA don't use that one I have dibs on it. LOL stay strong - GTG.

Bruman

You know something, it's funny. The thought of having one or two drinks has never appealed to me. I've always searched for the high that alcohol gives. One or two would put me to sleep. No point in that in my mind. I always wanted to be out of it so I wouldn't think about my troubles. When I am sober, I feel like I can accomplish something about my life. The dreaded "feeling of needing to hide" was what always pushed me to drink. To block out everything and everyone. I've found it to be very self defeating. I have no hopes of ever being a normal drinker. I'm hoping I've finally gotten to the point in life it no longer is a necessity. My plan is simple. I keep reminding myself daily about the problems I've had with drinking. I will not let time take the memories away from me this time. At some point, maybe years from now, I may no longer need to remind myself. It really doesn't matter to me any more if it's years or a lifetime. I know now I don't really WANT to drink anymore. Thanks for listening.

Fenris

The Big Book talks about how it's the great obsession of the alcoholic to be able to drink like a normal drinker (and I put drinking only on special occasions in that category). I know that if I could go home and have a couple of drinks to relax after work, I probably would. I also know that it's entirely possible that I COULD go home and have a couple after work. The problem is that it's equally possible (actually, more likely) that a couple could lead me on a weeklong bender that ends in a different part of the country, in a bed I don't belong in (again); or jail (again); or an institution (again); or dead. It took me a while to learn that. I don't think there's anything abnormal about your fantasy Pigtails. I think a lot of us had/have similar ones, and some of the time it leads to confusing fantasy with reality and testing the theory, which never ends well.

I also found it helpful to just come clean about my alcoholism to the people closest to me -- it helps keep me accountable and it helps avoid awkward situations. Then again, apparently it was much less of a secret than I thought it was, so I was a little surprised by everyone else's lack of surprise.

--Fenris.

Pigtails

Ha ha. I've definitely tried health excuses "it does so and so to me and my body reacts really badly to it now," which often works but people/my own crazy head sometimes says "Now and again won't hurt anything."

I am actually from PA - south central, though, close to the MD border, a small town. Now I live in the southwest. I miss the ocean and the green and colorful leaves, etc., but I love the mountains and sky out here (hence my avatar. ) I still visit often because my whole family lives in PA or MD -- I will try not to use your trademarked excuse while I'm out there. Ha ha

Pigtails

We are very similar and that is the same reason I used to drink. TO feel the buzz and forget about my problems. And I am way more productive when I don't drink. So getting drunk even rarely would be fueling my bad habits and prohibiting my good ones.

Pigtails

Thanks. I often feel that my bottoms weren't as "low" as some others' -- I never ended up in jail or in an institution and at this point I'm not worried about dying from alcoholism. For me right now it's about the pursuit of a better life/ a better me. But reading here shows me what could happen if I continue to drink. So I thank you for the help.

Charon

Yeah, My wife, Son & Daughter all hated me drinking. During one long period I quit - except when they were all away on a trip. I thought I'd have a few one of the nights they were away. Long story short, it didn't take too many of their trips before I was packing every minute I could into drinking. Eventually I couldn't even stay stopped when they were home. Just isn't worth the trip down suicide lane. If I keep drinking I'll die. If I stay sober I'll still die but a lot later and with more happy and functional years - and many people happy for me. Sort of a no-brainer.

Pigtails

You know, in sobriety I keep thinking how nice it is to NOT have to worry about drinking all the time. It had gotten to the point where I was looking for any "excuse"/reason to drink. On vacation, I wanted to drink during every activity. I always wanted a drink after work. It was a miserable way to live, thinking "when can I get my next fix?" I think what my friends and family don't understand, and what I didn't understand until recently, is that if I indulge my addiction, it will come back full-force. I won't be satisfied with one night of drinking in celebration, I will be looking forward to it until then and then looking forward to the next special occasion. If I want the obsession to disappear, I have to not feed it. I get it now but it's a weird concept.

Another thing I'm trying to do is be comfortable in my own skin without drinking. I have found that when I'm comfortable in situations, I'm happy, light-hearted, I laugh genuinely and crack funny jokes -- I like me. But at other times when I'm uncomfortable I just want to disappear -- either to my own house or into alcohol. I am trying to learn how to deal with all situations sober, and just relax and be myself, no matter what other people think. This is hard for me.

Dee74

when I used to daydream about 'normal drinking' it was pretty much like how you described it pigtails - I'd always reserve the right to have a 'blow out' - because everyone gets drunk sometimes right?

I struggled with acceptance for 20 years.

In the end I had to sit myself down and say:

Dee, you're not like everyone else - alcohol affects you differently.
Everyone else takes a drink - you take a week off.

Every time you drink, you change. It doesn't matter what kind of drink it is, or how long it is between drinks, or what kind of occasion it is - alcohol and you have a toxic relationship and you always will.

If you want the kind of life you want, and if you want to be the person you want to be, you can't drink.

You can have one...or the other...but not both.

that other Dee's pretty smart
D

doggonecarl

Hypothetically speaking, perhaps you can have a "reverse intervention" where you gather all your friends and family together and explain to them your problem with drinking, what you are trying to accomplish, and beg them to support you. And if they don't support you fully, tell them that you will establish boundaries that could possibly exclude them.

Sounds extreme, but families often take drastic measures to convince us alcoholics of our problems. Why not take similar measures if friends and family pose a threat to our recovery?

I don't know what conversations you have had with your boyfriend, but I wonder why he'd try to undermine you like that, telling you that you don't have a problem. Is your recovery cramping his style?