Awkward incident on weekend... did I overreact?
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Awkward incident on weekend... did I overreact?
Heh... finally my first ON TOPIC post, lol!
On Saturday night my SO and I went over to his dad and his girlfriend's place. They have been together about 16 or 17 years, they've just never gotten married. (Interstingly they have an even larger age gap than my SO and I... his dad is about 77 or 78 and the gf is 43).
Anyway... as we were sitting down to dinner... the gf pulls out a bottle of "de-alcoholized" wine and offers it up to my SO. Immediately my hackles go up because I KNOW that "de-alcoholized" means there is still a small amount of alcohol in the bottle (I know, less than 0.5%, but still...). I try to tell him that so that he doesn't open it, but the gf is INSISTING that it has no alcohol in it. So my SO opens the bottle and pours himself a glass... he offers me a glass but I just say no I don't want any. I actually read the label on the bottle to him telling him that it actually says "Enjoy this bottle of LOW alcohol wine.. blah blah blah..." I tell him it's not NO alcohol, but LOW alcohol. The gf is insisting that when they were over at my place in the summer that this is what I served. I did not. I served sparkling juice. Even his dad at this point (who has remained quiet) is trying to tell his gf that it is not what I had at my place. As soon as he heard me say LOW alcohol, he started in on her as to how she could have done that?
I started to get VERY uncomfortable... I didn't actually say much except for read the label to my SO. I didn't tell him not to drink it, just that it DID indeed contain a small amount of alcohol. In the midst of all of this he was trying to keep the peace and he initially believed her that there was not supposed to be any alcohol in the bottle, so he took a swig of it. As soon as he saw my crestfallen and pained expression he said he would not drink it and gave the glass and the bottle back to her. She started to get really mad at me and at this point his dad was a little confused (he had been in the kitchen and wasn't following everything that was happening, as it was mostly happening in my body language and expression). He asked what was wrong and she said (really sarcastically) that it wasn't (his son) that was causing the problem, but that it was Tatertot! She just got really mad and said that she bought it at the supermarket, so how could there be alcohol in it. But the supermarket will sell things with up to 0.5% alcohol in them, like "non-alcoholic" beer and this wine...
After that she was pretty rude to me and started snapping at me every time I said something. Honestly the whole incident took maybe 3 minutes, but it left me feeling pretty upset with her.
She KNOWS he is a recovering alcoholic, so why would she even THINK that buying a bottle of "de-alcoholized" wine would be ok? Why would you even give an ex-addict the TASTE of something that they were once addicted to?? It just doesn't make sense to me...
Once my SO realized what I was saying he very willingly gave up the bottle and glass as he honestly didn't realize there was anything wrong with it (thinking there was no alcohol in it). I did talk to him after we left there and he said he was thankful that I was looking out for him and he also didn't understand why she would have bought it in the first place... he is not mad at me and does think that the gf was in the wrong. It's not like she doesn't understand about alcoholism because I guess her sister has been c/s for about 15 years...
So I just don't get it. Did I overreact? Should I not have said anything? I just wanted him to be informed that it was not, in-fact, a non-alcoholic wine. I never once said not to drink it, but I think my expression and sudden change in demeanor said it all.
I think my reaction surprised even me as I have never before devoted even one second wondering what my reaction will be if he ever decides to drink again because I believe with every part of me that he won't, as long as he has all the information and isn't tricked into doing so.
I'm just confused... he tells me to forget it, that it wasn't a big deal and that he also thinks that she will realize how wrong she was.
Was I right to point out that there was alcohol in the bottle? Or should I just have kept my mouth shut and pretended that all was ok? I just wanted him to make an informed decision.
Sincerely confused...
On Saturday night my SO and I went over to his dad and his girlfriend's place. They have been together about 16 or 17 years, they've just never gotten married. (Interstingly they have an even larger age gap than my SO and I... his dad is about 77 or 78 and the gf is 43).
Anyway... as we were sitting down to dinner... the gf pulls out a bottle of "de-alcoholized" wine and offers it up to my SO. Immediately my hackles go up because I KNOW that "de-alcoholized" means there is still a small amount of alcohol in the bottle (I know, less than 0.5%, but still...). I try to tell him that so that he doesn't open it, but the gf is INSISTING that it has no alcohol in it. So my SO opens the bottle and pours himself a glass... he offers me a glass but I just say no I don't want any. I actually read the label on the bottle to him telling him that it actually says "Enjoy this bottle of LOW alcohol wine.. blah blah blah..." I tell him it's not NO alcohol, but LOW alcohol. The gf is insisting that when they were over at my place in the summer that this is what I served. I did not. I served sparkling juice. Even his dad at this point (who has remained quiet) is trying to tell his gf that it is not what I had at my place. As soon as he heard me say LOW alcohol, he started in on her as to how she could have done that?
I started to get VERY uncomfortable... I didn't actually say much except for read the label to my SO. I didn't tell him not to drink it, just that it DID indeed contain a small amount of alcohol. In the midst of all of this he was trying to keep the peace and he initially believed her that there was not supposed to be any alcohol in the bottle, so he took a swig of it. As soon as he saw my crestfallen and pained expression he said he would not drink it and gave the glass and the bottle back to her. She started to get really mad at me and at this point his dad was a little confused (he had been in the kitchen and wasn't following everything that was happening, as it was mostly happening in my body language and expression). He asked what was wrong and she said (really sarcastically) that it wasn't (his son) that was causing the problem, but that it was Tatertot! She just got really mad and said that she bought it at the supermarket, so how could there be alcohol in it. But the supermarket will sell things with up to 0.5% alcohol in them, like "non-alcoholic" beer and this wine...
After that she was pretty rude to me and started snapping at me every time I said something. Honestly the whole incident took maybe 3 minutes, but it left me feeling pretty upset with her.
She KNOWS he is a recovering alcoholic, so why would she even THINK that buying a bottle of "de-alcoholized" wine would be ok? Why would you even give an ex-addict the TASTE of something that they were once addicted to?? It just doesn't make sense to me...
Once my SO realized what I was saying he very willingly gave up the bottle and glass as he honestly didn't realize there was anything wrong with it (thinking there was no alcohol in it). I did talk to him after we left there and he said he was thankful that I was looking out for him and he also didn't understand why she would have bought it in the first place... he is not mad at me and does think that the gf was in the wrong. It's not like she doesn't understand about alcoholism because I guess her sister has been c/s for about 15 years...
So I just don't get it. Did I overreact? Should I not have said anything? I just wanted him to be informed that it was not, in-fact, a non-alcoholic wine. I never once said not to drink it, but I think my expression and sudden change in demeanor said it all.
I think my reaction surprised even me as I have never before devoted even one second wondering what my reaction will be if he ever decides to drink again because I believe with every part of me that he won't, as long as he has all the information and isn't tricked into doing so.
I'm just confused... he tells me to forget it, that it wasn't a big deal and that he also thinks that she will realize how wrong she was.
Was I right to point out that there was alcohol in the bottle? Or should I just have kept my mouth shut and pretended that all was ok? I just wanted him to make an informed decision.
Sincerely confused...
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From what you've typed, your SO found your behavior acceptable, and even thanked you and was grateful you pointed out the problem with the wine. As long as he genuinely means that, I think that would be what truly matters.
As for what the girlfriend thinks, does it really matter? She'll think what she thinks, and maybe she already realized before you left what the issue was, and just didn't want to back down and admit she had made a mistake. You don't really know what's going on in her head, and at the end of the day it doesn't really matter. Let her figure out her truths herself - you already have yours.
As for what the girlfriend thinks, does it really matter? She'll think what she thinks, and maybe she already realized before you left what the issue was, and just didn't want to back down and admit she had made a mistake. You don't really know what's going on in her head, and at the end of the day it doesn't really matter. Let her figure out her truths herself - you already have yours.
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Yeah, it's pretty hard to OVER-react given all the trauma you've been through.
Obviously she already knows that you and SO don't drink alcohol at all. It's possible she just didn't look at the label, made an honest mistake. But when you pointed out that in fact it has alcohol in it, she should have backed right the hell down. She should have apologised, graciously offered you two something else to drink, and then changed the subject to something amusing. That's what a good hostess does.
Getting all defensive and snappy? Something tells me she doesn't entertain much, probably doesn't have many friends. (/meow)
Obviously she already knows that you and SO don't drink alcohol at all. It's possible she just didn't look at the label, made an honest mistake. But when you pointed out that in fact it has alcohol in it, she should have backed right the hell down. She should have apologised, graciously offered you two something else to drink, and then changed the subject to something amusing. That's what a good hostess does.
Getting all defensive and snappy? Something tells me she doesn't entertain much, probably doesn't have many friends. (/meow)
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Thanks guys... I also don't know why she didn't back down once she realized that there was some alcohol in it... it was really uncomfortable and awkward...
I also don't understand why it would be so difficult on the 2 or 3 occaisions per year that we get together with his dad and gf that they just not drink wine??
My SO certainly doesn't insist that no one drink around him.. he is very comfortable with it and even tells me I can drink (even though I have repeatedly told him that I just don't drink... it's been my personal choice for about the past 8 years... loooong before I even met him, let alone started dating him...). But I still think it would just be a nice gesture on their parts if they offered not to drink on those 2 or 3 nights per year that we get together with them...
But maybe that's just me...
I also don't understand why it would be so difficult on the 2 or 3 occaisions per year that we get together with his dad and gf that they just not drink wine??
My SO certainly doesn't insist that no one drink around him.. he is very comfortable with it and even tells me I can drink (even though I have repeatedly told him that I just don't drink... it's been my personal choice for about the past 8 years... loooong before I even met him, let alone started dating him...). But I still think it would just be a nice gesture on their parts if they offered not to drink on those 2 or 3 nights per year that we get together with them...
But maybe that's just me...
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I'm pretty sure I would have reacted just like you.
We could speculate all day on the other woman's reasons for being so argumentative or defensive but it doesn't really matter either way. I feel the issue of them drinking wine a few times a year in front of you guys is a non issue if your bf is ok with it and if he can stand up to the pushy woman
Your bf took a swig after you read the label - to keep the peace. Not that this is the end of the world but it seems a bit cavalier given his history. If you and your reaction were in the other room would he have just drank it? Maybe that is ok as there are some people that drink n/a beer.
I hope some wiser posters then me come along with input. While I'd have reacted just like you I think a bit more detachment is needed --- but I'd be feeling a wee anxious so I'm a little lost.
We could speculate all day on the other woman's reasons for being so argumentative or defensive but it doesn't really matter either way. I feel the issue of them drinking wine a few times a year in front of you guys is a non issue if your bf is ok with it and if he can stand up to the pushy woman
Your bf took a swig after you read the label - to keep the peace. Not that this is the end of the world but it seems a bit cavalier given his history. If you and your reaction were in the other room would he have just drank it? Maybe that is ok as there are some people that drink n/a beer.
I hope some wiser posters then me come along with input. While I'd have reacted just like you I think a bit more detachment is needed --- but I'd be feeling a wee anxious so I'm a little lost.
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I think you reacted very well to the situation. It would tick me off to walk into a family member's house who knows my hubby is an alcoholic & serve him anything that even looked like alcohol-you were a lot nicer than i would have been, LOL. I think she def. owes you an apology, but you probably won't get it.
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IMHO, i think dad's GF is a douchebag..............
I have no idea what she was trying to prove or accomplish, some people just don't get it . Period.
I would take my own beverage of choice the next time I went to visit them. (if there is a next time)
I have no idea what she was trying to prove or accomplish, some people just don't get it . Period.
I would take my own beverage of choice the next time I went to visit them. (if there is a next time)
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[QUOTE=Thumper;3178775]Your bf took a swig after you read the label - to keep the peace. Not that this is the end of the world but it seems a bit cavalier given his history. If you and your reaction were in the other room would he have just drank it? Maybe that is ok as there are some people that drink n/a beer.[QUOTE]
Just to clarify, I know it's hard to write things out as they actually happened, but it didn't happen quite as linear as I described it. There were a couple of things happening at once. So he didn't actually listen to me read the label BEFORE he took the sip... he kind of did it sort of as I was just beginning to, when he still thought it was a non-issue... like why would someone who is, in effect, his step mother ever give him anything with alcohol in it??
I suppose if I had been in the washroom or something when the bottle was brought out and opened he may have had more than a sip but only because he wouldn't have known there was any alcohol in it! And I guess to the lay person something that says "de-alcoholized" *should* mean exactly that. It's just because I know that it actually still has alcohol in it that I said anything.
Keep in mind this is the same woman that knows that he has been celiac for the past 6 years and so she says to him "I know you can't have bread with your cheese, so I'll put out some crackers for you" (I'm thinking rice crackers...) So she proceeds to pour out a box of WHEAT crackers!
So not only did she try to serve him alcohol, she also tried to serve him wheat!
She really was being a BIG douchebag that night and I don't know why. And for some reason a lot of her anger was directed at ME!
I definitely think I should get an apology but I'm not holding my breath. And yes, there will be a next time because it's my SO's dad... we're not going to stop seeing him just because of her wierd actions. We'll just have to stay more vigilant and ask to drink only water!
Sigh...
Just to clarify, I know it's hard to write things out as they actually happened, but it didn't happen quite as linear as I described it. There were a couple of things happening at once. So he didn't actually listen to me read the label BEFORE he took the sip... he kind of did it sort of as I was just beginning to, when he still thought it was a non-issue... like why would someone who is, in effect, his step mother ever give him anything with alcohol in it??
I suppose if I had been in the washroom or something when the bottle was brought out and opened he may have had more than a sip but only because he wouldn't have known there was any alcohol in it! And I guess to the lay person something that says "de-alcoholized" *should* mean exactly that. It's just because I know that it actually still has alcohol in it that I said anything.
Keep in mind this is the same woman that knows that he has been celiac for the past 6 years and so she says to him "I know you can't have bread with your cheese, so I'll put out some crackers for you" (I'm thinking rice crackers...) So she proceeds to pour out a box of WHEAT crackers!
So not only did she try to serve him alcohol, she also tried to serve him wheat!
She really was being a BIG douchebag that night and I don't know why. And for some reason a lot of her anger was directed at ME!
I definitely think I should get an apology but I'm not holding my breath. And yes, there will be a next time because it's my SO's dad... we're not going to stop seeing him just because of her wierd actions. We'll just have to stay more vigilant and ask to drink only water!
Sigh...
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What a wackadoo. She has issues for sure. Not sure what they are but I'd try hard not to take it personally and sort of ignore her as much as possible.
I'd plan meals out. Not sure I'd trust anything she serve given her history! My dad's girlfriend went through 5 husbands (all dead) and he ended up in the hospital twice due to her 'lack of action' so I think some people really are just not to be trusted.
I'd plan meals out. Not sure I'd trust anything she serve given her history! My dad's girlfriend went through 5 husbands (all dead) and he ended up in the hospital twice due to her 'lack of action' so I think some people really are just not to be trusted.
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Here's my honest take on the situation....
I think the whole thing is none of your business. He is an adult. HE is the alcholic. It's HIS recovery. The girlfriend buying it and offering it to him - is her choice. His choice to drink it is HIS choice.
Bernadette posted this in another post and it was really spot on description of my efforts to "help" my AH:
I guess what I'm saying is... when I gave my AH the opportunity to take responsbility for himself.... something amazing happened...
He took responsibility for himself.
I think the whole thing is none of your business. He is an adult. HE is the alcholic. It's HIS recovery. The girlfriend buying it and offering it to him - is her choice. His choice to drink it is HIS choice.
Bernadette posted this in another post and it was really spot on description of my efforts to "help" my AH:
I learned in AlAnon how constant discussion and disagreement about alcohol ia a form of enabling. It puts the focus on the disagreement, on the conflict between what I think is right and what the A will say to defend their ongoing dysfunction. Does that make sense? it gives the A an excuse to look at YOU and your demands or your comments as the problem and keeps them still one step from seeing themselves.
He took responsibility for himself.
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Originally Posted by GettingBy 
Here's my honest take on the situation....
I think the whole thing is none of your business. He is an adult. HE is the alcholic. It's HIS recovery. The girlfriend buying it and offering it to him - is her choice. His choice to drink it is HIS choice.
I think the whole thing is none of your business. He is an adult. HE is the alcholic. It's HIS recovery. The girlfriend buying it and offering it to him - is her choice. His choice to drink it is HIS choice.
But I'll relate what you said to a situation I faced once...
I can't have caffeine. It gives me migranes. I generally check everything I drink to see if it has caffeine in it so I can avoid it. However... one day a few years ago I was at a gettogether and a friend offered me a can of coke zero. I asked if it had caffeine in it and they said no. The "zero" meant that it had zero calories, zero sugar, and zero caffeine. I trusted and believed her and so I drank the can. A few hours later "wham"! I got hit with a migraine. Turns out there IS caffeine in coke zero. Yes it was my responsibility to check the can, which I did not do, but boy do I wish that someone else in the crowd had said to me "Hey Tatertot... I think coke zero actually DOES have caffeine in it... maybe check the label?"
I would not have found that to be invasive or interfering with MY program of avoiding caffeine... I would have found it really helpful. So the only thing I wanted to do was make my SO aware that there was *some* alcohol in the bottle. Once he realized it he did not drink it. I'm glad I said something. I think it IS my place to tell him things he might not know. He thanked me that I was looking out for him. So I don't feel even for a second that I was interfering in his recovery program and I'm pretty sure neither does he...
But again, normally, and in every other situation in our lives I agree with you. I stay out of his recovery. I go to meetings when he asks me to, but that's about it.
But if you were allergic to peanuts and you were about to bite into a big chocolate bar full of peanuts without knowing they were there, wouldn't you want me to say something to you if I knew?
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That does make sense Tatertot!
It's been my experience that I have learned more from my own mistakes than from someone intervening on my potential bad decisions. Know what I mean?
Sure - it would have been nice for someone to warn you about the Coke Zero... but boy, didn't you learn that lesson well?!?!?
I guess to add to it... yes it would be nice to have someone warn us... but it's not their responsibility to warn or protect us from something that's harmful to us. That's our job - and our job alone!
It's been my experience that I have learned more from my own mistakes than from someone intervening on my potential bad decisions. Know what I mean?
Sure - it would have been nice for someone to warn you about the Coke Zero... but boy, didn't you learn that lesson well?!?!?
I guess to add to it... yes it would be nice to have someone warn us... but it's not their responsibility to warn or protect us from something that's harmful to us. That's our job - and our job alone!
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Her ignorance and intentions have been demonstrated between wine and wheat. I've seen things like this so many times and from exceptionally intelligent people, too. The people that seem to handle being rebuffed with grace, are those who made a honest mistake with others best interests at heart. The rest, from what I've seen, are those who did whatever more for themselves and then they take it personally.
If you'd like to extend an olive branch to her, consider a gracious note via snail mail, ignoring her response and focusing on the action. Thank her for her good intentions and ask forgiveness in advance if a similar situation occurs. Let her know her consideration is appreciated.
Just my 2 cents
If you'd like to extend an olive branch to her, consider a gracious note via snail mail, ignoring her response and focusing on the action. Thank her for her good intentions and ask forgiveness in advance if a similar situation occurs. Let her know her consideration is appreciated.
Just my 2 cents
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I don't think you overreacted either Tatertot. In fact I believe if the gf had backed off immediately as she should have, you wouldn't be wondering if you overreacted.
I have occasionally been offered 'near wine' at dinner parties with the host/ess thinking they are being thoughtful. If they had ever tasted the stuff, I suspect they wouldn't offer it.
I prefer not to have anything that looks like wine, smells like wine, could be wine if you close one eye. I don't drink anymore and I am fine with sparkling water with lime in a regular glass. No shame in that . Right?
I have occasionally been offered 'near wine' at dinner parties with the host/ess thinking they are being thoughtful. If they had ever tasted the stuff, I suspect they wouldn't offer it.
I prefer not to have anything that looks like wine, smells like wine, could be wine if you close one eye. I don't drink anymore and I am fine with sparkling water with lime in a regular glass. No shame in that . Right?
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Originally Posted by gerryP
I don't think you overreacted either Tatertot. In fact I believe if the gf had backed off immediately as she should have, you wouldn't be wondering if you overreacted.
That would have been that.
But instead she insisted on arguing with me (and the freaking label on the bottle!). AND she insisted that I had served the same thing when all 3 of the rest of us (myself, my SO, and his dad) all told her that it wasn't the same thing that I had at my place.
In any case it will probably be a few more months before we see them again. Hopefully this incident won't be brought up anymore and I like the suggestion of bringing our own sparkling juice or water with us along with a bottle of wine (or better yet, flowers) for them!
Thanks everyone :ghug3 for confirming that I wasn't way out of line!
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