dbh

I do remember some things from childhood, not a whole lot though. I belong to a group on facebook where people share memories from the town that I grew up in. I don't remember parades, summer camps, rec center activities, or functions at church. We were always struggling for money. My father would either spend it in the bar or gamble it on footballs games and horse races. When I wanted to do after school activities, I was told that we couldn't afford it. After awhile I stopped asking.

I remember at the age of EIGHT deciding that my childhood was over. I have a clear memory of having a picnic in the park with my family and I wore a dress and fancy shoes. I think I thought if I acted "grown up" my parents wouldn't get mad at me as often.

I have a memory of trying to bake a cake when I was in 7th grade. I think I was taking a cooking class at school and wanted to try out my new skills. My mom came home and yelled at me because I made a mess in the kitchen. I remember her telling me that she has enough problems without me adding to them. Never experimented with baking again. Actually, to this day I still don't bake.

Safe things to do ... quietly watch TV or read in my room.

I fell off my bike and broke a bone the summer before 9th grade. That following week I was trying to help my father carry something into the house. He took it away from me because "You don't even know how to ride your G*d D*mn bike! I'm not going to trust you carrying this!"

Believe it or not, I have forgiven my parents. I know that they were a product of the environments in which they were raised and they were probably just repeating things they heard as a child.

However, these memories are still etched in my brain. The voice of my critical parent often say things like "What's wrong with you!", "You're making things worse!", "You're selfish!", and "You'll never change!"

Sometimes I don't try things because it's better to not try than to try and fail. When I fail at anything, I feel like everything these voices tell me is true.

Thank you for letting me share.

db

bozboz

remember few things as well. I remember the cops coming around a lot. I remember if my mom had to work late, my dad bringing me with him to the VFW and making me sit, while he got drunk and played pool with his friends. (Can't believe the VFW allowed that.)
I can't recall a time when I was little that my dad did not have a beer in his hand. I don't remember much of anything when it comes to my mom, except going to pick my dad up from jail, her yelling, or her disappearing sometimes.
My parents seperated 9 times. My dad was nice...On Sunday's he would make french toast. As much of a drunk as he was, he was good to me. Can't say the same for my mother. She was very mean, she still is. I remember the fights between my mom and dad, and they would usually end up violently.
When I grew up, things were explained to me about my mothers up bringing, so I try not to get mad at her for not being... I don't know...how a mom should be, I guess.

No wonder I grew up to be a drug using/alcoholic/commitment phobic.
Doesn't take a shrink to figure out why.

My parents are still together, my dad has 4 glasses of wine a day, and is still good to me. My mom still drinks like a fish. She is trying to have a better relationship with me now. It's hard to trust her. It is what is it is. They're my parents and I love them.

Thanks for sharing your story. I know it's hard.

dbh

Hey, my dad would take me the VFW too! I would sit at the bar with a Shirley Temple, Slim-Jim, and a box of pretzels. I hated that place.

I remember finding my father's coffee cup filled with beer one morning. I was probably in 5th or 6th grade. Definitely knew he had a problem by then.

I appreciate having a place to share. I truly think that part of the reason this program works is because sharing the awful things that happens to us takes the power of the memories away.

Warm Regards,

db

chicory

Thanks for sharing Db and boz.
yes, sad as it all is, the pain is lessened for me,when i realize that I was not the only child in the world who lived as I did.
I belong to facebook town sharing thing too. i felt shame thinking that maybe they were thinking "yes, i remember that your dad and mom were both alcoholics".
If we only knew how many other people suffer from the effects of alcohol, it would probably take away lots of the shame.
my dad took us to Isaac Walton, and we brought people drinks when they ran out-lol! and picked up money off the floor where they drunkenly dropped it- great fun!
guess things could have been worse tho.
had my grandma to make my life happy and safe some of the time, when we had to stay with her.

hugs
chicory

bozboz

Yep, the Shirley Temples, stale pretzels and the smell of Old Spice. Makes me sick to smell any of them to this day. Ah...you gotta love family. I can't tell you how excited I am about the holidays coming up. (Rolling eyes)

Kialua

Oh my gosh, right? My safe thing to do STILL. It calms me. Or maybe it beckons me. But it traps me too. I actually have a hard time breaking free from it and doing what I need to do. I love to read while watching TV. Sometimes I will turn the TV sound off, read a book and turn on the radio.

Being allowed to sit in the VFW might have been a bit better than what my AF did. He would take us to what he called the "gum factory". If I was good sitting alone in the car for hours on end while he imbibed I got...a half a stick of gum!

Another thing he would do was driving to my grandparents he would stop at nearly every small town bar to get a drink. We would leave at the crack of dawn and not arrive till well near sundown. Years later when my Grandmother passed and we adult kids had to drive there, we all met at the crack of dawn jumped into one car and headed out. Low and behold it only took us 3 hours. We were stunned. Not one of us had thought to use adult knowledge of how far it was, just ran on childhood memory. Collective childhood memory that blotted out all the drinking stops. Amazing.

Many people here say that among the heartache they have good memories from their childhood so it intrigued me to write a list of the good times I could remember till I was 18. I came up with 14, less than one a year from what I remember. I don't think I could ever write down all the bad memories, it would be too long, endless.

I understand your memory lapse. But at least you have some memories. My younger favored sister has a real memory block with NO memory. She doesn't remember a thing that happened in front of her, beatings, abuse, yelling, fighting. None of it. It didn't happen. She yelled at all of us during a family AA session saying "Who are you talking about? This is not my Dad!" and ran out crying. The therapist said the rest of us dealt with our abuse very well but she would have a trauma when/if she ever finally had any memories. So far she never has and she had total disconnect with the family and lives out of state to perpetuate her beliefs.

Thank you for sharing. All of you. It does help to talk to people that understand.

least

(((dbh))) You can't know how much your post helped me. I got sober almost two years ago and am so glad my kids won't look back on me as a drunk.

GingerM

I should probably start by saying I may be one of the most stubborn people in the world. Once I get an idea into my head, it's very difficult for me to let go of it. This is not entirely bad, and over the years, I've learned to temper that stubbornness with a bit of an open mind that perhaps there are better ways.

That being said: those old tapes you hear in your head? Do they anger you? Do you rise up against them and say "I am not!"

I've learned to hear the voice for what it is: not mine. It's the voice of my father or my mother. It is not my voice. My husband once said that to me after I called myself an idiot. I asked him how he knew it wasn't my voice. He replied "Because you would never say that to anyone else if they had made a mistake." He was right.

Now? Now the old voices come along, and while I try to be very gentle to my inner child (and often succeed even!), I am not at all gentle with those voices. In fact, I think the more I've reparented myself, the less tolerance I have for those inner voices. The less scared my inner child is, the more bold she has become.

So when I hear those old tapes of someone else's voice telling me I'm an idiot, incompetent, useless, ungrateful, stupid etc? I tell them to eff off, that they have no idea what they're talking about. And my inner child sometimes joins in the fray (it's kind of odd, because I can feel that inner child standing metaphorically behind me saying "Yeah! eff off!" in that way that kids do when they're imitating an adult).

Lately, my refrain has been "like you have any room to talk" - this is due to the situation I find myself stuck with given that my dad's in Jail and my mom has dementia. So those old tapes telling me I'm stupid and I'll never amount to anything? Reeeeeeally hard to believe from someone who screwed up so badly as to land in jail with what may very well turn into a life sentence in prison. In my mom's case, her dementia has progressed far enough that she is no longer anything at all like her old self. So while I hear her voice, for her I feel something like sympathy and those voices I'm a bit more gentle with. Perhaps this "in your face" attitude towards the old voices keeps anger burning, I'm not sure to be honest (maybe I should ask my therapist), but it definitely makes me feel less trodden upon.

dbh, I suggest you go out to the store, buy some pre-made cookie dough, tell the voices to eff off and make yourself some cookies. Then eat one, hot out of the oven, and share it with your inner child. Not only will it be good for the adult you and the child you, but you may find that you are able to help the child learn to stand up and be free from having to hide in books or tv.

That being said, hiding in books and tv can be extremely restorative. As long as it's not *all* you do.

frances2011

Thank you for so bravely sharing, DBH. Thank you.

Thank you Least. You got it. (It brings me to tears thinking of all the sober parents on SR whose children will have loving parents instead of drunk parents.)

Ginger you have given some amazing ideas. Thank you.

dbh

Thank you so much for your shares.

Ginger, your share had so much wisdom! When those inner voices start, I think I sort of go on their side and leave my inner child to fend for herself! I can't believe that I have never gotten angry with them. I just agree with them!!!!!

When I venture into the Friends and Family section of this board, I'm always hoping that the non-alcoholic parent finds recovery so that they can teach their children to defend themselves and set boundaries. I didn't make the connection that I wasn't even doing that for myself!

Wow ....

I love the idea of making cookies.

Thank you!

db

GingerM

A therapist I had many years ago explained this to me. He told me that when I heard those old tapes, to act as if the current me was standing next to my real child, and an adult was, right then, in the present, saying the same thing to the child that the old tapes were saying to me.

What would I say or do? Knowing me, it wouldn't be nice. I have no tolerance for bullies or people who are mean to anyone who is defenseless. So he brought this idea of me acting as a guardian or mentor or role model or what have you for my inner child to me. How would I comfort the child? How would I try to protect the child? What would I say to the adult?

That being said, if I actually had a child? They'd probably know how to set boundaries like nobody's business, but they might have to learn tact at a later point in their lives

cymbal

Thank you for this.
I think the holidays are hard
because the unearned guilt
for the past is triggered.

CR has a wonderful expression:
"What you don't talk out constructively, you act out destructively."
I would feel rejected and act out destructively, stuffing my feelings with
food, etc.
I don't have to allow the verbal barbs to penetrate my shield!

Sharing takes the power away!
Thank you for sharing!
I'm very thankful for a place to share safely.
Thanks for letting me share!
(As the little girl inside skip happily away.)

mygirlchandler

Thank you for sharing this today.

I have big holes in my memory, and I only remember the good times like vacation. I can't express what happened at my house when I was growing up, because I don't have the words for it.

I always thought I just had a really bad memory until I read the term emotional abuse and read the description. I'll never do this to my children.

LotusBlossom

I get overwhelmed by memories at times and the emotions that come with them as I remember things for the first time after so long. In the past when I would get flooded with this, I would just run to the fridge for 3 beers and pound them all in succession and reach for three more. Now, I know that I can let it wash over it and live through it remembering it and knowing that it can't hurt me anymore. Does it still hurt? You bet.

Only one time have I had it trigger a PTSD type incident in me and that was at my first AA meeting. I still get rather defensive with that particular trigger but I have been working hard (thank goodness I have a psychology degree of my own...) to get past that.

It is nice to know that I am not the only one with so much of my childhood seemingly gone. My mother gets so PO'ed at me when I don't remember this or that and looks at me like I'm not a member of the family (she is an active alcoholic) when I can't remember things and doesn't understand. This will be my first sober holiday season. I am a bit frightened.

Anyways, thank you for the comfort this post has given me.

JustAYak

This a really good post... thank you.

I too suffer from giant memory lapses. I think I blocked out all the good with only half the bad. I have very few good memories of my father or my childhood...just bad ones.