humnbird

HI all,

I need reassurance and support...

He came by with a friend, I had a friend with me too for support. Of course he wanted to "talk". Said that I broke his heart into pieces, that he can't change the past and can only control the future, that he doesn't want to lose me and if I go through with this I'll lose him forever, that I'm giving up on him and what we had was amazing.

I told him I knew this was right, that I don't know what the future holds and only my God does, but until then I'm simply going to do my footwork, but that we can't be together.

Now my head is saying, you idiot, you just lost the man you wanted to marry and be with forever. Now there will be no chance of you being happy together, because you gave up. You'll never know if he can be better because you're not giving him another chance. The last year he was sober and doing pretty great (comparatively to when he was using). You didn't have to end it to work on yourself. You can't even afford rent without him. No you're going to be sad and alone, good job.

Afraid I made a mistake... THE mistake.

HELP... you guys always help me realize I made the right choice... but it hurts.. more than ANYTHING. I feel paralyzed and sick.

PS on page 25 of co-dependent no more.. but it keeps making me think about HIM and other women who are still with their ABF or AH... Are they stronger/better than me? Mostly, if I had addressed my CODIE issues before would we have worked out? could I have been happy? is this my fault? I'm the only one running away....

dollydo

Ok, time to refocus, you are awfulizing. What you had was not amazing, you were settling for less. There is no real happiness when living with an addict, it is nothing but turmoil and unhappiness, and, the longer we codies stay the more difficult it is to make the right decision for us.

He will be an addict all his life, it is only a matter of whether he is clean or not. Addicts can relapse at anytime, even after years clean. That is where the stress comes in, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Less than 10% of addicts recover for life, and many, because of their using, end up with emotional and mental issues, and they then are dependent on prescription meds, just to make it through the day. It can become a vicious circle.

This is one nasty disease, that there is no cure for.

I am in your corner, you did the right thing, in the long run...for you.

This will be a difficult time for you, keep posting, we are here for you.

missgardenarm

I'm guessing when you made the decision that he had to go that you felt it was important for you to do it alone? I would trust that. And in him saying that you will have lost him forever if you do this, that's not being supportive of what you feel you need to heal...it would be loving if he could give you the space without an ultimatum.

But i understand every doubt you're having. And i'm sorry you're hurting, i'm in a similar type of position right now and the weight and pain of it makes me feel like i'm going to die. I just accomplished something major in my day: i made food, and ate. I know that sick paralysis, and i know it's bound to sneak back in and smack me upside the face again and make me want nothing more than to go see her. But i won't. And i won't die. And you will be ok. If he's the one, he'll be the one. That can't be pushed or forced. Breathe.

We'll be ok. :ghug3

humnbird

Thank you so much... ladies (and gentleman)..

Trusting myself is hard... As am reading more I know it's one of my issues... Can you believe I'm STILL having problems accepting I have a problem thats not him? 7 years sober and I think I have it down.

Fear inventory, biggest fear is regret... So I live in things till the bitter end so I won't "regret" not having done something... I'm beginning to see its a handicap and not an attribute...

lesliej

Hi Bird
my (ex)ABF told me before he left that if I had to "make him into a monster to make myself feel better about my decision" then I could just go ahead and do that. I am not a monster maker. Crack is a monster maker. Lies, deceit, manipulation. Compulsivity.
I want and dream of a healthy relationship. I assume you do as well. The dream of a happy marriage, partnership, lover, playmate, explorer...these are OUR dreams. Addiction kills these dreams, nothing is possible without the trust. I want more.

First I need to love and trust myself. If I give my heart to an active addict I won't love or trust myself, my community dissolves, I carry shame of putting my heart in a dangerous place.

I know that his next twenty years are affected by the last twenty...in a very difficult way.

There are many beautiful happy loving kind poetic imaginative playful intelligent and creative men out there. If I am not with someone who commits to their well being I would rather just pay attention to my own. Life is rich, and affirming, and full.
Addiction is a black hole.

lesliej

cooking, chess, canoeing, camping, walking, biking, fires, gardening, tennis, writing, reading in bed, great sex, laughing, meetings, picnics, croquet...the list goes on and on and on...
all traded away for CRACK!

all those great things are still mine, I carry them with me to share with others.
I will not share his choice with him.

lesliej

one of my biggest issues is abandonment! ha ha!!! imagine that...I fear that I am abandoning him!!! how many nights over the past two years while I held steadfast to my recovery and love for him and now I am worried I am abandoning him...especially when all his addict friends say "go" "run" and yes he may "love" me but he is USING and he needs time to get clean...long term! I am not abandoning him, you are not "giving up"...this was not our choice, it was their choice!!