JustAverage

I need to save my friend's life! He has a very bad drinking problem. He has for many years. He told me his doctor only gave him the next 10 years to live because of his drinking! He is supposed to go to detox. I don't think he realizes what a dangerous step that is. He also has a disease that he has to get chemo for. He smokes as well. He can't drive because of a condition he has. He lives by himself in another state away from me and his family.

He agreed with me that unless he goes to AA meetings he doesn't have a chance to stay off alcohol. Would it be wrong of me to give an AA representative his phone number to call him? Would that be a violation of his trust? Also, should I tell his family member the amount of time he has to live if he doesn't stop drinking? He told me not to say anything.

I am not about to sit back and be complacent when and watch my good friend die!! He needs serious help.

kiki5711

I would ask him first if it's ok for someone that's near his home to contact him. Tell him he don't have to make any promises but at least accept the phone call. That way he won't get mad.

JustAverage

Thanks. But what if he says no? Sigh... I am at a loss here. My friend needs intervention but his family is too lazy and stupid to do anything.

Hopeworks

Maybe you could visit and go to an open meeting?

JustAverage

He lives too far away from me. I couldn't do it for other reasons too that I can't bring up here.

JustAverage

If a person's alcoholism threatens their life can their life span be increased if they stop drinking? I can't believe my friend is foolish enough to ask his doctor if he can have a drink a few years after he finishes detox, as if he can have a casual drink again. SO STUPID!!!!!!

choublak

So his family has no idea at all?

ANEWAUGUST

JustAverage..

Your friend is lucky to have someone like you who cares about them so much.

As heartaching as this is..unless your friend wants help, nothing will change.

AA is for the alcoholic that wants help. The hotline is for the alcoholic, sadly, not for those that love them. The program is based on anonymity. So, I can call for myself, but, not for you. I can reveal my identity but not yours.

As he is under medical care, maybe rehab is an option that would help? Or maybe the doctor could suggest AA?

JustAverage

His family knows. What they do for him I don't know. They are rather secretive or I am just no in the loop. I don't think they do enough, I can assure you that. They would all go to him at the same time and do an intervention!

Thanks. I didn't know there was a hotline. He is talking to his doctor. And I know his doctor suggested AA. My friend is in denial that he is an alcoholic. He think's he can still have an occasional drink. Sometimes I just want to freaking shake him. My other friend is an alcoholic in recovery. But I dare not violate my friend's trust by telling him about my other friend's problem. They both know each other. Maybe I can suggest to my friend that he calls my other friend? That's an idea. As I stated before, my friend is going to have to go through some a serious medical procedure... chemo if you must know.... This is a dangerous time for him. And he can't take this lightly.

ANEWAUGUST

Secretive families and alcoholics go hand in hand!

You might mention to your friend in recovery, that you are concerned about your friend who is sick and actively drinking. Your recovering friend may or may think it is best to call him.

Your friend shouldn't take his health and his chemo treatments lightly...sadly though, he just might do that. It is his life, his health, his choice.

Have you shared with him how concerned you are about his continued drinking and his health?

LifeRecovery

JustAverage-

Would Al-anon (for friends and family of loved ones who struggle with alcohol) be an option for you. I have been able to answer my own questions about what you pose after regularly attending.

NM and El Paso Al-Anon and Alateen Website is the link. I have found it very good in getting help for me, though if you live outside the metro ABQ area it can get confusing a little bit (and I got on the Spanish language side for a bit).

Charon

First, are you kidding? He told you not to say anythng If you are really a friend you will abide by his wishes. It's NOT your choice, it's his.

Second, you can't force anyone to quit. If/when they want to quit is the only time it will be possible for them to quit. You can offer suppport and offer suggestions, but it's their road and no one and nothing can force an alcoholic to stop until they are well and truely ready.

He has all the information necessary to make his choice. Offer support and grit your teeth. Sometimes there is simply noting that can be done. I wish you the serenity to accept the things you can not change.

Charon

No need to tell anyone anything. Your other friend KNOWS. Every alcoholic thinks that they can hide their drinking. I've never met a single one who could. It's obvious to everyone but the alcoholic, especially another alcoholic in recovery. Think about it - if you can tell from such a distance ...

JustAverage

Yes I have shared my concerns to him. Last night I opened up more than ever. He appreciated it. He was not resistant. Sometimes I wonder if he wants someone to rescue him.

I have thought of Al-anon. I have so much on my plate with my own family and my own problems in life. But I suppose I can go to some meetings.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just move on and let his own family deal with this. I know that sounds terrible, but as I said I have my family to raise and my own issues. But he's my friend and I'm not going to sit back to watch him kill himself.

JustAverage

My friend also doesn't drive due to an impairment he has. That makes things more difficult for him.

m1k3

Hi justaverage and welcome.

One of the first things I learned here and at al-anon is I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. He will get help only when he is ready and not one second earlier, no matter what you do. He has been given his options and supplied the information about AA. Allow him the dignity to live his own life and make his own choices. It is HIS choice on whether he will accept recovery or not.

I'm sorry but there really isn't any thing you can do as I have learned over the years of dealing with my wife.

Your friend,

tbeit

Maybe you could talk to your friend in recovery about 12 stepping your active friend but I have to tell you it may (probably) not work.Look your active friend is no dummy he knows he has a problem even if he's not ready to admit it. He really needs to get to the point where he reaches out for help.Maybe this illness (chemo) is his higher power working on him. He needs to get to the point where he's sick and tired of being sick and tired.I hope he gets there soon
You should take the advice about going to alanon it cant hurt knowledge is power. Good luck to you and your friend

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

This helped me when I was trying to rescue my alcoholic loved one - (It is the 3 C's of addiction)

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

The addiction belongs to the addict/alcoholic. Nothing I say or do will change, cure or control the outcomes of another adult's life. They must choose a life of recovery for themselves. They must want it as if their life depends on it, because it does.

I also found these steps to be helpful while dealing with alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

You may need to detach from your friend. Let go of the outcome and let his Higher Power determine his future.

I know that seems harsh. However, it is my experience that an active alcoholic will look for someone to pity their situation. They don't want help, they just want someone to listen to their "Whoa is me, my life sucks sooo bad". This feeds their addiction. It is a condition known as "Terminal Uniqueness". The alcoholic believes their problems are so unique and the only way to deal is through self-medication: alcohol.

Until they are ready to help themselves with the resources available, they will continue to find people that will pity them and feed their addictive needs.

kiki5711

If he says "absolutely NO" then there's nothing you can do. You did your best.

Now as far as chemo, I'm assuming but not sure since you didn't tell us, but is it for some sort of cancer?

Don't underestimate that his drinking will subside once it hits him how sick he is "other than alcoholism".

Going to chemo for cancer did NOT stop me from drinking. In fact, that's when it escalated, because it was painful, depressing, and down right humiliating as I had to wear a colostomy bag for colon cancer during my chemo. If any of you know how it's like dealing with a colostomy bag, it's the worst nightmare in the world.

I did get through it all though.

bonami

JustAverage, I know how hard it is to watch a friend in crisis. The A in my life is a very good friend who was also a long-time coworker of mine. When he flamed out at work and had to enter recovery, I thought somehow that I could help him keep from getting fired (they wanted to do so immediately), so I tried to lobby for him with our bosses. But I learned that his problems were not mine to solve. So he did lose what was a very good job as a consequence of his alcoholism and his behavior. It has been hard for me to stand by and watch from close range, but there is nothing I could have ever done about changing the situation. He is currently in recovery and all I can do for him now is let him know that he has my support. So I would suggest that you do continue to offer your support to your friend, perhaps send him the AA hotline number or a list of meetings, encourage him to keep speaking to his doctor, etc. But unfortunately you can't make him stop drinking if he doesn't want to.

It sounds like you have other stresses in your life - Al-Anon may be very helpful for you with everything you are going through, in addition to helping you deal with your feelings for your friend. But please continue to read and post here; there is much wisdom here and these boards have helped me deal with the distress I was feeling about my friend and what was happening to him.