icutrauma1

My GF recently left on the eve of going to rehab after a 5 year relationship. Can some of you share with me some of your experiences b4 you decided to give yourself to recovery. I was told it would get worse b4 it gets better. Every good story makes me feel better not just because of my hopes but also because it makes me feelt better to know people have done well. I work in an Emergency Dept as an RN and I usually see the ugly side.

Anna

Many of us here have done well.

Are you getting any support for yourself? AlAnon could be helpful for you to find support for you.

icutrauma1

I am. In fact when I shared several people came up afterwards & thanked me. Made me feel very good that I did something nice out of my pain. I have also downloaded several items and discussed them w/ her mother the last few days. Today her mom sent her a text saying not to contact her until she is serious about recovery. A HUGE step for her mom.

artsoul

Welcome icu!

Everyone's recovery is different, of course, but most things started getting better right away for me. At the same time, it was pretty stressful dealing with the cravings and emotions. It can take up to a year for our bodies/brains to readjust, so it's not always an easy road.

We have a section for Family/Friends of Alcoholics that you may want to check out:Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I hope your friend finds lasting recovery......:ghug3

Dee74

Hi ICU

I think each of us has a different point of 'bottom' - I prefer to call it 'my moment of clarity'

I drank and drugged for 20 years or so...I just decided I couldn;t live that life anymore, and I knew there had to be another way.

There was.

I'm nearly 5 years sober now and I'm happy and content with my life and who I am.
It's the life I always dreamed of - but better...

I really hope your exes 'moment of clarity' is not too far off.

D

icutrauma1

Thank you. I write to be stronger for myself, not to get insight as to how or when or if she will return. I want a life without addiction, that companion provides no friendship or love or support emotionally. I was more alone when she was present.

1983ritag

Everything in my life was getting progressively worse the longer I drank and used drugs. I started doing things I swore I'd never do and making poor choices that started affecting my life in a negative way. It got to a point where something had to give. I could no longer balance my work life and my party life. My party life took over and I was missing a ton of work which I wouldn't be acceptable for very long. I used to party to have fun, and drugs made me feel great. But it got to the point where it wasn't fun anymore. It just consumed my thoughts, and it made me feel like I wanted to die. I knew I was about to lose my job if I continued on that path. I reached out for help and started my recovery. I relapsed a few times after deciding to quit but seem to have found a good path this time. So for me, it definitely had to get worse before I chose to make it better. Good luck to you and your girlfriend. I wish you the best.

Diva76

Hello ICU....

My heart goes out to you....
I found myself posting a very similiar post to yours not that long ago...
The guy I am grieving is someone I met in 8th grade...
15 years after we graduated highschool, he looked me up and finally told me how much he had always liked me....
Only at the time, I wasn't ready to date...
So...we stayed in touch from time to time and at the beginning of this year we began dating...
Unfortunately, the demon won and we parted ways about 2 1/2 months ago....
I let him know that I still care about him, but as long as he's in denial about his drinking problem, our relationship could not be...

In my experience, yes...it does get worse before it gets better...
From the beginning of this year until we parted ways, I noticed a drastic change in his complexion. Towards the end, he was beginning to look so "used up" (Gosh, it's so hard for me to write that, as I mean no disrespect towards him at all) but then again, it helps me face reality....
Anyway....I hope that in time he will figure it all out, not necessarily for my sake, but for his....

My step-father began his drinking career when he was 17 and quit when he was 38 and hasn't picked up a drink since, nor will he...He'll be 64 in Feb....

So, yes people can and do recovery every single day...

In the meantime, I would suggest you start attending Al-Anon....
Yes, the Alcoholic is fighting an illness; however, we too, can develop unhealthy behaviors without even realizing it...(I can go on and on about how ridiculous MY behavior became when I was living with active alcoholism...)

I wish you both the best and believe me, I know how much it hurts watching someone you care about go down this road...

Best wishes,


Diva 76

yo466

Bottom is different for everybody, but I just got sick of being "sick and tired" and self destructive. The first 2 or 3 months of sobriety were very difficult I had to deal with the stress of changing myself and my habits by not drinking. I do not go to AA meetings, but I don't think anyone can get by without some sort of support system. This website has helped me greatly.

There's so much good advice, stories and support on this website that whenever I felt a craving I would come here and check things out. You don't even have to post, just read others stories and advice and it helps out. I can say that if you attack the problem and believe in yourself that you can get sober the results can be amazing, one thing I've learned though is you have to be patient. It doesn't happen overnight.

Just to give you some positives, I quit drinking about 15 months ago and it that time, I've lost 50 pounds, got a promotion at work, rebuilt some self-esteem, got my finances in order and basically feel reborn.

I went on my first date last night since I got sober though and the first thing that popped in my head was I want a beer. I couldn't believe it, but I was able to ignore the little man in my head and I had a great sober time. I guess what I am saying is if I can do it anyone can because I was a mess 15 months ago, about as low as you can get and now all of a sudden things have turned. It just takes patience and work.

icutrauma1

As I read more & more of your replies it has helped myself & her mother. When she texted her daughter to inform her to not contact her till she has had enough, I expected an email telling me I had turned everyone against her. I did not. She tried to contact me on day 8 of her leaving & then nothing. that's ok w/ me & her mother, we know she has not been gone long enough to be serious about recovery. I share all my new learning tools w/ her mother & we provide support everyday to each other. I will not give up my "recovery" at all. I enjoy not living a life where I am dying if she does not contact me or come back to depend on me. I know now it is up to her to fight for her recovery, earn it w/ actions and want to guard it against all those trappings that she will tire of when she has had enough....if ever. Either way it is enlightening to know the 3 "Cs'", I cannot love her to recovery & that she can never love me till she can love herself. If she is a good person she will naturally want to make things right. Forgiveness is kindly given where there is action as proof. Thank you to those that have posted.

daniel12

Try to pick up several Grapevines. They are filled with stories. Read'm from cover to cover. Read one each day for a week. Read'm, regardless who they're written by, about, the topic, if written by an old timer, new timer. What's important is that you don't consider the future. Only the NOW.

cuyootoo

As a recovering alcoholic, I am constantly trying to understand why my gf stayed with me for 5 years of drinking. It really boggles the mind. If she is breaking up with you on her way to recovery, then that's kind of like a slap in the face to you, as if to say that you were part of the problem, or that when she is sober then she won't need you.

But, I think that if you were in a relationship with her for so long while she was using, and you are being honest about how it's better off to be alone than with a drug abuser, you have to ask yourself, "why did I stay?"

It's going to be complex no matter how you resolve this. I mean, did you stay out of a low self esteem, did you stay because of commitment, did you stay because you liked her when she wasn't using, did you stay because it was easier to focus on her problems than your own?

icutrauma1

I stayed with her because of hope. the unhappiness she had with her life and the dreams we talked about attaining together. The hope that she could become a person committed to recovery. But there were always critizism about the doctor, NA meetings, never reading or working the program. Which has told me she was never ready. She wanted my world with drugs. She did not want to give up the drugs which meant the lying, stealing, associations, manipulating, selfishness that comes with it. They are all means to drugs. I wanted her to go to therapy to treat her underlying exploitation from all the years in the sex slave industry but she was not ready. Bottom line: she had not had enough to chase recovery the way she chased drugs. And I believe that the desire can be the same for both in intensity but on eis more rewarding and gratifying.
I played collegiate tennis when I was 37. I beat much younger more talented kids than me because of one reason. My desire was greater.
I have read these post a great deal and over and over I see 2 things among those successful in recovery.
1) They chase recovery because it is one of their greatest desires.
2) They do not want to slide back to a life that made them miserable.

These 2 things are not much different than what propels people to work, so they are not poor. Exercise, so they do not become fat, die early. Study, to advance a career.

To be rewarded for your action and not face consequences that would result of you did not apply yourself. It reaches a broad spectrum.

This is why my recovery is so important to me. I do not want to go back to feeling empty for a person that took me for granted, exploited my kind heart, abused me emotionally and physically(affection, I'm latin) & I had no true value of my company.

Love you all for your candidness:ghug3

EmeraldRose

Ya know...it was kinda funny when I was almost done with rehab I finally asked my counselor "why don't more people take advantage of this?" I said to him that even normal people could benefit and gain insight with whatever problem or brick wall they run into. I was amazed that even some of the people in my group didn't apply the knowledge to their life. Even court appointed with 4 DUI's, wearing a bracelet and blowing for the officer every morning -they still didn't get it. Why?
What I percieve it to be is that no one wants to change. Change is scary when one habit or way of life is all you know. You are in a comfort zone, you know how you feel, you know how people react (even if it's negative reaction, it's still a reaction) you know you're own head.
I found that the bestest most possible thing I could do when I started recovery is embrace this change. Think outside the box, climb out of your comfort zone. Even if it's putting your left shoe on first instead of the right, just do it. Do things differently.
It is very difficult and one reason (I think) that people can't maintain a length of sobriety. I tried many times in 30 years but until I changed, nothing changed.
Recovery, true recovery is a very difficult choice when you have lived a certain way for so long.
Your GF will have to come to grips with first, her disease...second, her choices of recovery and three, change...to be successful.

I have to give you alot of credit for continuing your quest to better your knowledge and actually better yourself in the process. There is alot that can be learned. You now have your own journey to follow.
Wishing you peace and strength.

icutrauma1

I agree, she has to become fed up with her life and want it to be different with a desire to do "whatever it takes" for help. In action, not words.

And her lifestyle needs to break her down. Any addict. To be humble and show humility and strip herself of what I call that 'cocky drug addict attitude'.

I'm 49, and I walk into the NarAnon & AlAnon meetings with an attitude of "teach me"....please.

EmeraldRose

Well, you just keep doing what you're doing...you'll be just fine.

icutrauma1

Today was a hard day for me. I was tempted to check her email to see what has happened to her. She tried to call me, she reached her mother crying saying, "I want to go to rehab!" After that we haven't heard from her. I kept telling myself that knowing what she is doing is not going to change anything or get her to her "I want help" point. I just keep saying the serenity prayer. She is going to do what she has done until she realizes, if ever, she is "sick of being sick and tired".....from another contributor.