What to do next: meetings, step work, ...?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
What to do next: meetings, step work, ...?
Good Morning Everyone,
Happy Friday!
I started my recovery work approximately four years ago. At the time I was going through a personal crisis. My alcoholic father became ill and could no longer live by himself. He hadn't been a major part of my life in 30 years and having to help him through the end of his life was extremely difficult. It turned out to be a blessing though in many ways. It sort of jump started my recovery and I was able to work through unresolved issues that I had regarding him and my family of origin. He passed away in August 2010.
My life really isn't in crisis anymore. My family is doing well, I have found a way to balance my relationships with the members of my family of origin, I'm setting more boundaries, and I have noticed a significant change in my self-esteem. I have learned to speak up for myself and not try to be everything for everybody (this is significant). I have learned how to say "No".
But there is still something missing.
I posted recently that I struggle on a regular basis with procrastination and following through with goals.
I also feel stuck and while I'm content with my life, I don't feel like I'm reaching my fullest potential.
I really haven't attended meetings or worked on my steps in about two years. My "program" has consisted of reading/posting here and reading recovery literature. Never got a sponsor (seems like it's hard to find a ACA sponsor) and never finished my 4th step.
I need to do something to move forward ... additional therapy, back to meetings/step work, or additional reading.
Feel like I have my codependency issues under control. Right now I feel like I'm struggling with parenting myself.
Yesterday I went to the library and got a copy of "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. I have seen it recommended in a number of recovery circles.
Just wondering what everyone else does to keep their recovery moving forward.
Thanks in advance.
db
Happy Friday!
I started my recovery work approximately four years ago. At the time I was going through a personal crisis. My alcoholic father became ill and could no longer live by himself. He hadn't been a major part of my life in 30 years and having to help him through the end of his life was extremely difficult. It turned out to be a blessing though in many ways. It sort of jump started my recovery and I was able to work through unresolved issues that I had regarding him and my family of origin. He passed away in August 2010.
My life really isn't in crisis anymore. My family is doing well, I have found a way to balance my relationships with the members of my family of origin, I'm setting more boundaries, and I have noticed a significant change in my self-esteem. I have learned to speak up for myself and not try to be everything for everybody (this is significant). I have learned how to say "No".
But there is still something missing.
I posted recently that I struggle on a regular basis with procrastination and following through with goals.
I also feel stuck and while I'm content with my life, I don't feel like I'm reaching my fullest potential.
I really haven't attended meetings or worked on my steps in about two years. My "program" has consisted of reading/posting here and reading recovery literature. Never got a sponsor (seems like it's hard to find a ACA sponsor) and never finished my 4th step.
I need to do something to move forward ... additional therapy, back to meetings/step work, or additional reading.
Feel like I have my codependency issues under control. Right now I feel like I'm struggling with parenting myself.
Yesterday I went to the library and got a copy of "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. I have seen it recommended in a number of recovery circles.
Just wondering what everyone else does to keep their recovery moving forward.
Thanks in advance.
db
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Can you explain more of the struggle parenting yourself? I don't quite understand that except being good to yourself and using discipline for your own good. Finding a sponsor is interesting and I have never done that either. I would like to know others in my boat in person but that isn't something people like to do. It seems everyone is in their own stage of recovery and connecting intellectually doesn't happen easily.
I guess I have just done about the same as you and kept on going. To that end I am exploring doing an art piece. It may or may not help but I still want to give a try.
I guess I have just done about the same as you and kept on going. To that end I am exploring doing an art piece. It may or may not help but I still want to give a try.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
I guess in the ACA literature, they say that "The solution is to become your own loving parent" and that "We learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect."*
I'm actually still working on figuring out what this means. Yes, I'm trying to teach myself to be more disciplined and yet not beat myself up when I don't accomplished the huge list of tasks I sometimes give myself.
Since I grew up in a dysfunctional home, I really feel we were never shown effective life skills. My dad was irresponsible and unreliable. He would constantly break promises. My mom, while married to my father, was overwhelmed by his diseased. I remember her as always being stressed out and when I would ask her for help with something she often "couldn't take anymore". We were left on our own a lot.
I have achieved a number of things in my adult life, but many of my achievements were driven by my desire to people please. I spent years working on a PhD because I think I though that this would prove that I was "smart" and "good enough".
I live in the greater Washington, DC area and there are a number of active ACA meetings here. Not many are very well attended though (not sure why). The ones that are connected with Al-Anon seem to have more support.
Thanks for letting me share.
db
*Complete text can be found at The Solution - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
I'm actually still working on figuring out what this means. Yes, I'm trying to teach myself to be more disciplined and yet not beat myself up when I don't accomplished the huge list of tasks I sometimes give myself.
Since I grew up in a dysfunctional home, I really feel we were never shown effective life skills. My dad was irresponsible and unreliable. He would constantly break promises. My mom, while married to my father, was overwhelmed by his diseased. I remember her as always being stressed out and when I would ask her for help with something she often "couldn't take anymore". We were left on our own a lot.
I have achieved a number of things in my adult life, but many of my achievements were driven by my desire to people please. I spent years working on a PhD because I think I though that this would prove that I was "smart" and "good enough".
I live in the greater Washington, DC area and there are a number of active ACA meetings here. Not many are very well attended though (not sure why). The ones that are connected with Al-Anon seem to have more support.
Thanks for letting me share.
db
*Complete text can be found at The Solution - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I see, I look forward to others input who are further along in this than I.
I share the lack of effective life skills and broken promises from my FOA. I don't so much people please as I do rescue. You certainly have excelled in your education, congrats on that!
I share the lack of effective life skills and broken promises from my FOA. I don't so much people please as I do rescue. You certainly have excelled in your education, congrats on that!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there dbh 
From what you posted it sounds like you need to get back on track with your program. All forms of recovery, whether it be 12-step, therapy, church based, etc, follow the same progression. They all start with "Awareness", move into "Acceptance" and then get into "Action".
You have Awareness of the emotional injuries that were done to you as a child, you have accepted that you have "work" to do in order to heal, you have done some Action in the way of educating yourself about the disease and "shopping around" the meetings, but that's where you stopped.
So start up where you left off. You say you attended some ACoA meets but they were not a "good fit" for you. You say you have made great progress on the co-dependency issues. So maybe it's time to shop around some more. This time look into al-anon meetings that focus on ACoA issues. Check out a different program, like CODA. Ask the people at _those_ meetings to recommend a good therapist, or two, or three. Then see if any of those therapists are a "good fit".
That fits right in with not having gotten past the fourth step. This step, and the ones that follow, deal with repairing the damage that _I_ have done to myself. In my case I caused damage to myself by failing to work on my "issues" for many years and allowing that pain and those "emotional injuries" to fester. I repair that damage by "Parenting myself".
"Parenting myself" means that I do for me what my parents _should_ have done, but never did. The way I do it is an old therapy technique called "The lost child"
Imagine that you are sitting at home, with a thundering storm outside. There's a knock at the door and when you open it you see a 12 year old child standing in the rain. Abandoned. This child has _your_ history, exactly, and it is now your task to raise this lost one. You must take her to the grocery store with you, and find a way to make the trip enjoyable. You must take her to work, to the dentist, and make all those activities enjoyable.
I took a juggling class. Not for me, for that "lost child" I now care for. When I go to the grocery store I grab some paper towel rolls and juggle them, to entertain my "lost child". Once a week I'll buy something bad for me, but delicious to eat, just to be good to that "lost child".
I have a huge list of things that need to get done, but I remember that "lost child" and how I would teach him to handle a list without getting stressed. So I number the items in order of priority, and I set a specific time at the end of the day when no more work will be done. It's relaxation time prior to bedtime. Just like I would if I really had a child.
I picked up an old camera because I had always been fascinated by photography, just for fun. Years later it turned into a career, I even had a chance to exhibit at one of the smaller galleries in Las Vegas. I have a small collection of toys that have been given to me by other members of ACoA over the years. I keep them on a corner of my desk, to remind myself that I am to take a little time off every day just to enjoy life the way a 12 year old would.
I participate in the recovery community where I live. That's part of the "12th step". It gives me the opportunity to give back some of what was given to me in recovery. Helps me feel that I am a part of something greater than myself. Reminds me of where I came from, since I tend to forget some of the lessons that have helped me build a healthy life for myself.
There, that should get you started
Mike
Originally Posted by dbh 
....But there is still something missing.... I don't feel like I'm reaching my fullest potential.... I really haven't attended meetings or worked on my steps in about two years. My "program" has consisted of reading/posting here and reading recovery literature. Never got a sponsor (seems like it's hard to find a ACA sponsor) and never finished my 4th step.
I need to do something to move forward ...
I need to do something to move forward ...
You have Awareness of the emotional injuries that were done to you as a child, you have accepted that you have "work" to do in order to heal, you have done some Action in the way of educating yourself about the disease and "shopping around" the meetings, but that's where you stopped.
So start up where you left off. You say you attended some ACoA meets but they were not a "good fit" for you. You say you have made great progress on the co-dependency issues. So maybe it's time to shop around some more. This time look into al-anon meetings that focus on ACoA issues. Check out a different program, like CODA. Ask the people at _those_ meetings to recommend a good therapist, or two, or three. Then see if any of those therapists are a "good fit".
Originally Posted by dbh
.... Right now I feel like I'm struggling with parenting myself.....
"Parenting myself" means that I do for me what my parents _should_ have done, but never did. The way I do it is an old therapy technique called "The lost child"
Imagine that you are sitting at home, with a thundering storm outside. There's a knock at the door and when you open it you see a 12 year old child standing in the rain. Abandoned. This child has _your_ history, exactly, and it is now your task to raise this lost one. You must take her to the grocery store with you, and find a way to make the trip enjoyable. You must take her to work, to the dentist, and make all those activities enjoyable.
I took a juggling class. Not for me, for that "lost child" I now care for. When I go to the grocery store I grab some paper towel rolls and juggle them, to entertain my "lost child". Once a week I'll buy something bad for me, but delicious to eat, just to be good to that "lost child".
I have a huge list of things that need to get done, but I remember that "lost child" and how I would teach him to handle a list without getting stressed. So I number the items in order of priority, and I set a specific time at the end of the day when no more work will be done. It's relaxation time prior to bedtime. Just like I would if I really had a child.
I picked up an old camera because I had always been fascinated by photography, just for fun. Years later it turned into a career, I even had a chance to exhibit at one of the smaller galleries in Las Vegas. I have a small collection of toys that have been given to me by other members of ACoA over the years. I keep them on a corner of my desk, to remind myself that I am to take a little time off every day just to enjoy life the way a 12 year old would.
I participate in the recovery community where I live. That's part of the "12th step". It gives me the opportunity to give back some of what was given to me in recovery. Helps me feel that I am a part of something greater than myself. Reminds me of where I came from, since I tend to forget some of the lessons that have helped me build a healthy life for myself.
There, that should get you started
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Thank you so much for your response. That's exactly what I needed to hear.
I love the imagery you provided for my inner child. Even though I like to think that I'm a loving parent to her, the truth is sometimes I look at her like a whining child that I need to ignore and keep quiet (pretty much how my parents treated me).
Going to attend an Al-Anon Adult Child meeting tomorrow night. It's a group that I attended in the past and I clicked with some of the people there.
Thank you again.
db
I love the imagery you provided for my inner child. Even though I like to think that I'm a loving parent to her, the truth is sometimes I look at her like a whining child that I need to ignore and keep quiet (pretty much how my parents treated me).
Going to attend an Al-Anon Adult Child meeting tomorrow night. It's a group that I attended in the past and I clicked with some of the people there.
Thank you again.
db
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
This is a List that can help me when I feel Stuck and in Pain.
It may seem over the top for some.........but not me......
I hope it may help others......as it has me.
As a comedian over here says in one of his sketches,....
I was not a Happy Child....most of the time.
Life was not all bad when I was Young,I enjoyed some of it.
So For the Times that were not so Good I need to Re Parent Myself,
With Gentleness,Humour,Love and Respect......Today
I look at this List now and again .............to gently push myself Forward when I get Stuck.
At the Moment I go to ACA ...........But I am always aware that I am also AA and NA.
Affermations For
Re Parenting myself from O to Now...... with HPs Help.
Holding My Tummy I read this Every so often to myself...........Tiny steps for tiny feet
Visualisation............When Possible.
0 to 6 mths
I'm glad you're here, because this is where you belong.
I love holding you and having you near me.
I will provide what you need because your needs are important to me.
You can take your time to grow up at your own pace.
I cherish you because you are a gift to the world.
I will dream great dreams for you.
6mths to 18mths
I encourage you to be curious.
You can use all of your senses to discover the world around you.
When you explore, I will support and protect you.
I love you when you are active and also when you are quiet.
I delight in your discoveries.
I know that learning to do things by yourself is fun.
18 myhs to 3 years
I'm glad when you think for yourself.
You can learn to understand your feelings.
It's okay to be angry and frustrated, but I won't let you hurt yourself or others.
I don't mind if you say "no." You can test limits as much as you need to.
I enjoy your creativity.
You can discover for yourself what you need.
3 yrs to 6 yrs
I enjoy having you explore who you are and finding out who other people are.
You can feel powerful and capable and still ask for help when you want it.
You can learn that behavior has consequences.
You can imagine things without being afraid they will come true.
I'll gladly give you my support and love.
All of your feelings are okay with me.
6 yrs to 13 yrs
I encourage you to develop your own special talents.
You can be responsible for your choices and learn from your mistakes.
You can learn how to follow the rules that help you live well with others.
I encourage your learning about the world and your place in it.
You can discover how to manage both challenges and frustration.
I love you even when you disagree.
13 yrs to 19 yrs
I enjoy having you develop your own interests.
You can be responsible for your own needs, feelings and behaviors and still ask for friends support.
You can recognize the difference between feelings of friendship and sexual feelings.
I encourage you to discover a purpose for your life and pursue your goals with passion.
I look forward to knowing you as an adult and my love is always with you.
You can stand up for your beliefs and also respect the convictions of others.
Every day for the rest of life
19yrs to Now
If there be peace in my heart,
there will be peace in the home.
If there be peace in the home,
there will be peace in the community.
If there be peace in the community,
there will be peace in the nation.
If there be peace in the nation,
there will be peace in the world.
It may seem over the top for some.........but not me......
I hope it may help others......as it has me.
As a comedian over here says in one of his sketches,....
I was not a Happy Child....most of the time.
Life was not all bad when I was Young,I enjoyed some of it.
So For the Times that were not so Good I need to Re Parent Myself,
With Gentleness,Humour,Love and Respect......Today
I look at this List now and again .............to gently push myself Forward when I get Stuck.
At the Moment I go to ACA ...........But I am always aware that I am also AA and NA.
Affermations For
Re Parenting myself from O to Now...... with HPs Help.
Holding My Tummy I read this Every so often to myself...........Tiny steps for tiny feet
Visualisation............When Possible.
0 to 6 mths
I'm glad you're here, because this is where you belong.
I love holding you and having you near me.
I will provide what you need because your needs are important to me.
You can take your time to grow up at your own pace.
I cherish you because you are a gift to the world.
I will dream great dreams for you.
6mths to 18mths
I encourage you to be curious.
You can use all of your senses to discover the world around you.
When you explore, I will support and protect you.
I love you when you are active and also when you are quiet.
I delight in your discoveries.
I know that learning to do things by yourself is fun.
18 myhs to 3 years
I'm glad when you think for yourself.
You can learn to understand your feelings.
It's okay to be angry and frustrated, but I won't let you hurt yourself or others.
I don't mind if you say "no." You can test limits as much as you need to.
I enjoy your creativity.
You can discover for yourself what you need.
3 yrs to 6 yrs
I enjoy having you explore who you are and finding out who other people are.
You can feel powerful and capable and still ask for help when you want it.
You can learn that behavior has consequences.
You can imagine things without being afraid they will come true.
I'll gladly give you my support and love.
All of your feelings are okay with me.
6 yrs to 13 yrs
I encourage you to develop your own special talents.
You can be responsible for your choices and learn from your mistakes.
You can learn how to follow the rules that help you live well with others.
I encourage your learning about the world and your place in it.
You can discover how to manage both challenges and frustration.
I love you even when you disagree.
13 yrs to 19 yrs
I enjoy having you develop your own interests.
You can be responsible for your own needs, feelings and behaviors and still ask for friends support.
You can recognize the difference between feelings of friendship and sexual feelings.
I encourage you to discover a purpose for your life and pursue your goals with passion.
I look forward to knowing you as an adult and my love is always with you.
You can stand up for your beliefs and also respect the convictions of others.
Every day for the rest of life
19yrs to Now
If there be peace in my heart,
there will be peace in the home.
If there be peace in the home,
there will be peace in the community.
If there be peace in the community,
there will be peace in the nation.
If there be peace in the nation,
there will be peace in the world.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Moving on from there..........................I now know who and what the Critical Parents are,and the only solution
to discovering how to incorporate them into my life now is by following
what I know is the truth of their Past.....and their negative affects on me as a child.
The Proper Solution is To become my own loving Parent.....
The Solution as it applies to me..........
As the rooms of Aca become safe place for me, I will find freedom to express all the hurts and fears that I have kept inside and to free myself from the shame and blame that are carry-overs from the past. I will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions. I will recover the child within me, learning to love and accept Myself.
The healing begins when I risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, I will slowly move out of the past. I'll learn to re-parent myself with gentleness, humor, love and respect.
This process allows me to see my biological parents as the instruments of my existence. My actual parent is a Higher Power ,a universal Parent that teaches me the truth. Although I had dysfunctional parents, my Higher Power gave me the Twelve Steps of Recovery.
This is the action and work that heals me: I use the Steps; I use the meetings; I use the telephone. I share my experience, strength, and hope with everyone. I am learning to restructure my judgemental thinking one day at a time. When I release my parents from responsibility for my actions today, I will become free to make healthful decisions as an actor, not reactor. I will progress from hurting, to healing, to helping. I will awaken to a sense of wholeness I never knew was possible.
By attending meetings on a regular basis, I will come to see parental alcoholism or family dysfunction for what it is: a disease that infected me as a child and continues to affect me as an adult. I will learn to keep the focus on myself in the here and now. I will take responsibility for my own life and supply my own parenting.
I will not do this alone..
Acoa is a spiritual program based on action coming from love.. As time goes by I will see beautiful changes in all my relationships, especially with my Higher Power, myself, and my parents.
to discovering how to incorporate them into my life now is by following
what I know is the truth of their Past.....and their negative affects on me as a child.
The Proper Solution is To become my own loving Parent.....
The Solution as it applies to me..........
As the rooms of Aca become safe place for me, I will find freedom to express all the hurts and fears that I have kept inside and to free myself from the shame and blame that are carry-overs from the past. I will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions. I will recover the child within me, learning to love and accept Myself.
The healing begins when I risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, I will slowly move out of the past. I'll learn to re-parent myself with gentleness, humor, love and respect.
This process allows me to see my biological parents as the instruments of my existence. My actual parent is a Higher Power ,a universal Parent that teaches me the truth. Although I had dysfunctional parents, my Higher Power gave me the Twelve Steps of Recovery.
This is the action and work that heals me: I use the Steps; I use the meetings; I use the telephone. I share my experience, strength, and hope with everyone. I am learning to restructure my judgemental thinking one day at a time. When I release my parents from responsibility for my actions today, I will become free to make healthful decisions as an actor, not reactor. I will progress from hurting, to healing, to helping. I will awaken to a sense of wholeness I never knew was possible.
By attending meetings on a regular basis, I will come to see parental alcoholism or family dysfunction for what it is: a disease that infected me as a child and continues to affect me as an adult. I will learn to keep the focus on myself in the here and now. I will take responsibility for my own life and supply my own parenting.
I will not do this alone..
Acoa is a spiritual program based on action coming from love.. As time goes by I will see beautiful changes in all my relationships, especially with my Higher Power, myself, and my parents.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
When to a meeting last night and I left feeling hopeful again.
It was pretty well attended (for an Adult Child meeting). Approximately 12 people were there. I got a chance to share and there are others in the group that are interested in step work!
I've come a long way in my recovery and I need to continue this journey.
The phrase "Awareness, Acceptance, and Action" keeps coming up for me.
db
It was pretty well attended (for an Adult Child meeting). Approximately 12 people were there. I got a chance to share and there are others in the group that are interested in step work!
I've come a long way in my recovery and I need to continue this journey.
The phrase "Awareness, Acceptance, and Action" keeps coming up for me.
db
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: -
Posts: 118
Hi Dbh,
I wanted to give another perspective.
I really like the Celebrate Recovery Step Studies.
The 4 participant guides are wonderful tools to dig.
(Higher Power = Jesus Christ though, so if you're
not agreeable nevermind. )
Its an experience of women/men separately
getting real (genuine) with each other in a way that I didn't
know was possible. Sponsors are people who
have been through the steps themselves (called leaders).
You have several accountability partners to call too.
It really helped with my trust issues.
I also have the Al-Anon daily devotionals that I read.
Healthy thinking for me is so foreign that it takes
awhile to sink in.
I had the opportunity to sit in on several Al-Anon
book meeting studies like "How Al-Anon Works."
Changed attitudes aid recovery. Take what you
like and leave the rest.
Thank you for letting me share.
I wanted to give another perspective.
I really like the Celebrate Recovery Step Studies.
The 4 participant guides are wonderful tools to dig.
(Higher Power = Jesus Christ though, so if you're
not agreeable nevermind. )
Its an experience of women/men separately
getting real (genuine) with each other in a way that I didn't
know was possible. Sponsors are people who
have been through the steps themselves (called leaders).
You have several accountability partners to call too.
It really helped with my trust issues.
I also have the Al-Anon daily devotionals that I read.
Healthy thinking for me is so foreign that it takes
awhile to sink in.
I had the opportunity to sit in on several Al-Anon
book meeting studies like "How Al-Anon Works."
Changed attitudes aid recovery. Take what you
like and leave the rest.
Thank you for letting me share.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
