ryanriley

I drank last weekend, it was a big mistake, I couldnt overcome the urge. I am trying my hardest, redoubling my aa efforts. It just seems like this is an endless battle. I have a bankruptcy going on, divorce, and other multiple issues, blah, blah, Nothing know one else hasnt gone through. Trying to re-earn someones trust, anyone, looking at myself in the mirror. My wife not trusting me to drive my kids to a soccer game. I am in a black hole. I have reviewed this with my sponsor, he is supportive, and understands, but my god how much can one person take. And the feelings I have for putting my wife and kids through all of this is shameful to say the least. God have mercy on my soul. Where to to turn, what to do, how can I get through all of this. I just dont know.

IndaMiricale

Ryan I am sorry you are going through all that

Its hard but it sounds like you are doing the right thing talking with your sponsor and just try to live one moment at a time. Let that time build and the bad things will fade and I pray you find your joy .

I see your in Cleveland , small worlds so am I

If you really think maybe you cant stay sober you might think about the Ketting Center hug

Tigger41

Ryan. Get really committed. Do whatever you need to stay sober. Think what do I need to do to stay sober? What would the worse situation be for me where I can't drink? Then put yourself in hat situation. You CAN do this. You have to choose this - not just want it but commit your heart to it.

Good luck we're here for you.

Saliena

Ryan -- we have all (or atleast most) been there. The only thing you can do is live in this 24 hours. This 24 hours you can make a different decision about your drinking. Remorse and self loathing are wasted emotions (even though they are really hard to live in at the moment). I had a relapse not to long ago (ended up in a detox center) and the only thing that keep me from going off the deep end was calling some of the people I had met in AA and really really focusing on getting back to where I needed to be. You can not force yourself sober... you have to want it. There are plenty of people out there who NEED to be sober but until they really want it then they will just be another lost addict.

Best of luck to you... I know it isn't easy... but, rely on other people and really focus on these 24 hours you have now and forgive yourself for the 24 hours before when you might have failed.

switchboard

Each sober day adds one more step to a better life, one more day of trust-building, one more day of sobriety ... and it will all build over time. Unfortunately, you can just say "I'm OK now" and have everything turn around. I wish we could - I am so impatient, and waiting for things to feel like they're taking a turn for the better was such a drag. .... (I'm currently going through a divorce myself .. I was a drunk when he left .. I am completely sober now .. He doesn't even know me anymore.)

Things will work out .. slowly .. You are building a new life, and as time goes on THIS new life will be more real than the one you've left behind. Your bankruptcy will be a thing of the past, you will be divorced and starting fresh, you will have new hopes and plans.

You're doing great. For now, be patient. And keep on being real. Congrats on your progress!

ryanriley

what is the ketting center?

IndaMiricale

Its a inpatient state sponsored center here in cleveland.

They have three locations Lakewood,Cleveland, and Brookpark.

Its a wonderful group, they really can help you get on track . If you need to PM me anytime

Maybe we could met up at a meeting

IndaMiricale

By the way they will not turn anyone away with the desire to quite regardless of the ability to pay or not .

Anna

Ryan, I'm sorry for what you're going through, but you need to know that you can do this.

It takes time and patience to overcome the problems we create while we are drinking. The main thing to do now is to not drink today. Don't buy alcohol and don't go anywhere where alcohol is being served. Get through the day and the next day will be a bit easier.

LoftyIdeals

Ryan...my heart, thoughts, and prayers are with you. I know your desperation, and how desperately you are wanting it all to be fixed. But, it takes time, unfortunately. Only in sobriety will you be able to make any sense of that time. If you drink, it's time lost. Commit entirely. Surrender. Stay on your knees and pray and cry. God will have mercy on you. He loves you. Why some of us must experience trials as grim as we do is beyond our human understanding. But, if we humbly ask Him to save us, He will, and we will be better. And, we will use our experience to help others. That is what your future holds. Grace.

Peace be unto you today!

wpainterw

Ryan: Try not to look back and try not to look forward. Make each day a separate compartment and say "I'm not going to drink today". With the passing of each day your desire to drink will lessen. It will get easier to keep sober. Like going up a long staircase, one step at a time. Get as much help as you can from other recovering alcoholics. If you feel like having a drink, call them immediately and talk about it. Part of your brain is an angry dog that wants alcohol. Put a leash on that dog and don't let it run free. Eventually it will settle down. You can do it. Countless others have. Good luck.

W.

Fenris

Ryan, you're going through a lot and I can understand why it looks hopeless to you sometimes. There are times that I wish someone could wave a magic wand over my past and make the wreckage disappear. Drinking was a way of making myself feel better while hurting others, whether through ignoring my daughter, being cruel to my wife, or putting everyone else on the road in danger -- it's parasitic, in a roundabout way. The only way I can atone for any of that is by first making sure I never repeat it. I hope you can find the strength and courage to make it through this without drinking again. You want to be trusted, but first I would suggest that you learn how to put trust in the will of your Higher Power and live within it. It's simple, but not easy. Good luck and God bless, Ryan.

--Fenris.

Dee74

some great advice here Ryan

The way I rebuilt my life, sorted out my messes, atoned for the times I let people down, and became a man I could look at in the mirror again was by not drinking...and a lot of effort, time and focus on the present.

There's no short cuts - but you'll marvel at how quickly it all got done once it's done

I know you can do it

D