GettingBy

Something my AH said a few weeks ago has been bouncy (unrelentlessly!!) in my head. "I hate you for making me stop drinking! I hate that you took that from me."

A part of me (the codie part) felt guilty... And that's what the intent of that statement was. I realized that tonight. Something clicked as I was watching Private Practice (it was an excellent portrayal of an addict & intervention!). The addict, Amelia, was lashing out... Saying all sorts of hurtful things to the people who loved her most. She went right for each of their weak spots... Just like my AH did when I used to confront his drinking. Tonight I saw it... I saw the disease in her... Lashing out in an attempt of self-preservation. As one of the other characters said, "she's like a dog backed into a corner!". A hurt, scared and wounded animal - lashing out at the very people trying to help save it.

I got another layer of healing, understanding and acceptance tonight. maybe this will help me let those hurtful words go... Help me release my anger and resentments.

Thanks for listening,
Shannon

DarrenW

Thanks for sharing your story. I am new here so I am really learning how my behavior impacted others. If he is angry at you that is probably a good thing. Alcohol certainly played an important part of his life-and yours. I hope he gets better and realizes things that matter the most.

sesh

Phycologist say that the best way to raise your children to healthy adults is by teaching them empathy (among other things).
I truly believe that the thing that is helping my healing so much is the fact that I've managed, somehow, going through all the madness of living with an A, to stay close to empathy, to see the disease for what it is. The stronger my boundaries were, the more detached I was the more I was in touch with that empathy. And that empathy was the very thing that was reducing my anger and resentment, making my own healing easier for me.
I believe all that to be in very close relationship with understanding he's not doing to me, he is just doing it (because he is lost in his own struggles, in his own disease).
Looking at things from this perspective makes life so much easier. JMHO.

worriedwife2

Thanks so much for sharing. I really need to look at that statement when my stbxah starts on me. He has a habit of doing this daily. It's always everyone elses fault!

GettingBy

6 years ago I was given the Al-anon pamphlet on the "Merry-Go-Round of Denial". I read it then - but didn't "hear" the words. I read it again 5 months ago - and heard some of it.

I read it again this morning and was almost knocked out of my chair. It's eerie how right on it describes what is going on in our family right now. I have stepped out of my role as the provoker - and all the other "actors" (and my husband) have reacted exactly as the pamphlet says.

WOW... I needed that really badly this morning.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html

WOW.

sesh

"He may even insist that his wife is crazy..."
Back at that time every single conversation I tried having with my than AH would end with him saying to me: WTF is wrong with you?
Oh, it gives me the chills even thinking about those happy times...

I agree that "merry go round of denial" article is amazing, when I first read it I was so taken by it that I even translated it to my own language and gave it for reading to folks at Club for recovering alcoholics and their families (which is the closest thing we have to AA over here).

stepsforward

I watched Private Practice last night. It was a great but scary at the same time because parts of it I could real relate too - lived it!!!!

Tuffgirl

Oh I missed that episode...I need to stop watching so much HGTV (I think I am in love with the Property Brothers...both of them)

It is my understanding that these situations are where empathy and compassion have to come into play. I can only imagine how it would feel to be that dog backed into a corner. I took everything my RAH said to me very personally...now I know where it comes from and that it isn't really about me at all. Makes it a much less bitter pill to swallow.

Thanks for sharing, Shannon. You are rockin' your recovery!

fourmaggie

@gettingby....i read that also when the 1st meeting i attend....i re-read it at my 1 year anniversary...saw things completely different when i first read it....going on my 19th month now...should read it again...thanks for reminding me to....