lovedbyjesus

New here. Found this site when I google "marrying an alcoholic". Boy what an eye opener it has been.
We're no longer getting married but I can't seem to say good bye. I finally got him to agree to not text me for a week so I could have a clear mind and think. It has been GREAT. No drama, no anxiety. Nothing. So after day 5 I got the nerve to text him and say I think we need to break up. He calls me asking me if I'm joking. He said he's been listening to sermons all week and that he knows he can make me happy and that he wants God in his life... I was so sure I could handle hearing him say this again and still be resolved in my decision. I told him the following analogy: When a contestant on American Idol or Hell's Kitchen is about to be sent home, they beg and plead for a second chance. They say "I can do better. I haven't shown you my best. Just let me stay another week to prove it". Why didn't that contestant give it their best on day one? Why wait until there's an ultimatum? Because if that contestant was honest with themselves, they would realize it's not about their potential... it's about the effort they put into their goal. I told my ABF it's the same thing here. It takes me finally having enough and walking away for him to find motivation. And then after that, what? He stays sober for three "glorious" months?
So here's the other thing I'm seriosuly struggling with: He holds a good job. His drinking never interferes with his work. And to be honest, he's not nessesarily bad when he drinks... but... ugh it's hard to explain. Let's just say he's not the man I love. He loves church, he loves God, but he's loves drinking. So I'm at a total loss at what to do. Oh yeah and one more thing, my son LOVES him. Yeah talk about complicating things more.
HELP!!!!

Seren

Hi lbj, Welcome to SR!

I'm really sorry for what brings you here, but you have found a great place for support.

My alcoholic stepson would say all sorts of things in order to keep his enablers in place and to avoid feeling the consequences of his poor choices.

Can you love this man as he is, where he is in his life now? There is no guarantee that he will change soon or ever. If you cannot accept the drama and other behaviors, then you have probably made a wise choice to break it off with him.

Again, welcome! Keep reading, keep posting and asking questions.

Agape,
HG

laurie6781

Welcome to Sober Recovery!!!!!

I am glad you found us, but sad for why you had to.

YET

YET

Some more:

He hasn't had a DUI

YET

He hasn't physically hurt me

YET

Best you and your son step back, way back and watch his ACTIONS from afar. His actions will eventually tell you if he is serious about recovery for himself. That can take a few years to start actually seeing any long lasting improvement.

You are a very wise woman to have called off the marriage for now or for ever.

There are lots of us here with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) so ask away, we will share what we know.

Again, Welcome.

Love and hugs,

TakingCharge999

Hi lvj
I understand, my XABF also holds a job in a good IT company, same as mine

We broke up 3 years ago and the guy keeps drinking. I don't know how he has kept the job, he sleeps at his cubicle, he arrives drunk sometimes. Its only a matter of time.

There are plenty of other potential friends/lovers who keep good jobs and don't drink, follow your intuiton, intuition never fails. I got no kids but in my opinion kids need healthy role models, you don't want him to think drinking is OK, do you?

sesh

From my own experience: they never stop drinking if they're doing it for someone else, because of an ultimatum, because they are about to lose someone, they only do it when themselves realize they have reached the dead end in their lives and their will for survival becomes stronger than their desire to drink. And when that happens there is no confusing it for anything else. And in the same time, from that day on it is everyday struggle - somedays harder than the others - but each new day their will for survival has to win that same battle all over again. It never goes away, it is a never ending process.

While sticking around and waiting to see will this ever happen with your ABF, you're missing on your own life and all the good things that might be happening to you.

Stick around here and read as much as you can, I'm sure you'll learn a lot from our stories, that will help you work on your own recovery. In time you'll know what is the right thing to do.

Wellcome, you're among people who understand

catlovermi

These words - e.v.e.r.y. s.i.n.g.l.e. o.n.e. of these words - should be etched in stone in the gateway through which any loved one of an alcoholic passes, seeking "help" for their loved one. Once you get these words, you get it. And realize that they must get to that place, and they must do it.

CLMI

nodaybut2day

Hi loverbyjesus...and WELCOME to SR. I'm so glad you found this site; there's tons of support and wisdom to be had here.

Regarding your post, I would highly recommend trusting your instinct. You gave yourself the gift of 5 days of No Contact, after which point you were able to assess that you needed to end the relationship. THEN you talked to the alcoholic and that conversation managed to get you to doubt your decision.

I'd venture to say you need more No Contact to really think things through.

As for your concerns:

• He holds down a good job...for now. As his alcoholism progresses and begins to interfere with other aspects of his personal and professional life, this may not always be the case. In addition, many other people hold down a good job; it's pretty much a given if you want to survive. IMO, this fact doesn't mean that you should overlook the main issue: his drinking
• He's not necessarily bad when he drinks...but he still drinks. Some people are "nice drunks" but they still continue to nose dive into the bottle whenever they get a chance. Do you want to be around for all those "not necessarily bad times"?
• He loves Church, he loves God (so do a lot of other people), but he loves drinking...EXACTLY. His priority is his booze.
• My son loves him...this is tough, and yet, it's not a reason to stay with a person you know isn't committed to recovery. In addition, do you want your son growing up to model his behaviour on your fiancé?

IMO, you already know what to do.

Keep posting! SR is always open!

lovedbyjesus

Wow! Thank you everyone for your responses and wisdom. One thing that astonishes me most is how intelligent everyone is here. How did we get into this situation? I truly don't mean that as an insult. I mean it more towards me then anything. Why didn't I see this coming?
Really though, your words of wisdom have helped reassure my decision to call it quits with this man. I love what you said about listening to my instincts. This is SOOOO true!! One quote I read on someone's fb wall hit me hard "marry the man you want your sons to grow up to be". Ouch. BTW, he has had DUI's in the past. He also lost his family because of his drinking. Probably should have put that in there. :/
Now to just get all his stuff that's in my house to him without having to deal with him begging me back. sigh....

lillamy

Pack it up, drop it off at the church, send him an e-mail and tell him where he can fetch his things.

You know, sometimes, being involved with another Christian who's an addict adds a layer of complication. My AXH still tells me that no matter how much the earthly courts say we're divorced, in his eyes, and in God's eyes, I will always be his wife. (Creepy much?) He would also repeat ad nauseam that I had sworn a holy oath in front of God that I would never leave him, and that doing so would mean I would go to hell. Etc., etc., etc.

The last God-related conversation we had, I told him that if he truly trusted God to handle things, he wouldn't need to drink to dull his emotions. That was definitely below the belt, but it ended the discussion.

humnbird

He WILL use this as an opportunity to try and convince you otherwise. and It's horrible... HORRIBLE. To see the pain in their eyes, you completely forget about the fact that you have to worry about you and not them.

I would leave him stuff in bags at your door and LEAVE. Don't sit inside and listen to him bang on the door. Its agonizing. You will open it. And then you will be in pain, pain over seeing him and fighting, or pain over taking him back when you didn't want to. Or drop it off and his friend or families... I've done both... more times than I'd like to admit.

sesh

that made me laugh for some strange reason. I guess that is the wisdom built from pain.

We got into it because we didn't know any better, and we couldn't know any better. No manual to prepare us for this kind of thing in life.
The other day I was thinking about it how they should teach in schools (as one of the subjects) about addictions and co dependancy, make kids learn about it inside and out, the way they learn math or spelling. Have tests on it.
Circle the letter in front of the correct answer:
If your loved one drinks too much, what do you do?
a. pretend nothing is happening, it will go away
b. detach (with love) and let him/her fight his own battles, and learn from the consenquences of their actions
c. try to make him/her stop, you're the one that sees so you have to make him/her see it too

Of course I'm pushing it here, but I truly believe if people in general are more educated about addictions in general and the ways it affects loved ones, we'd be much more equiped to deal with it once we find it creaping into our own lives.

So, don't beat yourself with the question: why didn't I see this coming, as none of us did. It takes great deal of pain and soul seaching to get to the point where you feel wise about the whole thing.

From where I'm standing it looks like you're doing all the right things, I know it is as hard as hell, but beats the alternative. Hang in there, it will get better in time. In the meantime here is a big hug for you :ghug3

problemis

There are many alcoholics who hold down very good high paying jobs (six figures and beyond). They get DUI's, hit and runs, abuse their spouse, etc. The fact that they are able to hold down these high paying jobs plays to their favor in the Court system and in society. It's difficult to reconcile the image of a successful business man with that of an alcoholic. I mean all real hard core alcoholics live under a bridge, wear nappy clothes, rarely bathe and mull around with a bottle in a crinkled brown paper sack, right? I mean those are the "real" alcoholics, right?

nodaybut2day

Sure, we're a pretty smart bunch, but even so, when I was a young woman out in the dating world, no one handed me a HOW TO manual for dealing with an abusive alcoholic....and even if someone had, would I have believe it would happen to ME?! Probably not. I had too good an opinion of myself and my ability to somehow "heal the world". HA!

What I have learned through my marriage to my XAH was HUMILITY and WISDOM. Intelligence had little to do with it, unless perhaps you're referring to situational intelligence. In the end, I needed to realize and accept that I was completely powerless in the face of the situation, and that I needed my HP (higher power) to guide me through it. Through this discovery I learned to take my hands off the wheel, stop tearing myself apart trying to control everything and everyone, and find serenity.

As difficult as the ordeal has been, I am intensely grateful for the opportunity to finally discover my higher power; I don't think I would have come to that discovery in any other way.

The same can be said of you. Your HP is giving you an opportunity to grow through your experiences, and I daresay you've already begun on that path by coming here

cmjames84

Wow, to the OP: This reminds me of my situation. I have only been gone 2 weeks and it's hard. I have peace but then hear from him and it just messes with my emotions so bad. I even googled just like you did.